Aaah bum

Today was not a lot better I'm afraid. The flow of students was spaced out a wee bit better thankfully today and I was just spaced out!

Luckily I had the dentist first thing this morning, so at least I got to get another 30mins in bed which was bliss. As true to sod's law I was overtired last night after yesterdays nightmare and was hoovering at midnight just to try and finish me off so I could sleep. But hey the dentist says I have good oral hygiene and no fillings needed yet again, so I do have something going for me at last.

Of course all good things come to an end as my lovely Sadie wasn't over impressed with what I looked like today and how low my stats have been this past week. That's two weeks running that I've looked grim on a Wednesday. Last week I was a pumpkin head because of the allergy and this week I have rather large dark dents around my eyes. Strange how they have gone from two swollen slits to hollows as Sadie puts it. Plus I've got a headache that even I'm worried about now and I know it's because I'm just plain exhausted. So I'm afraid it's been spelt out in neon letters now, 'rest up time tomorrow,' which means landing poor old Sam in it, but she'll be out the office for a while to do the freshers fair so hopefully she'll get a breather.
I also showed Sadie my letter from the oxygen clinic along with another letter saying that they've brought my appointment forward again. Where I thought that my levels were better because they were higher, the actual numbers meant that my kidneys were suffering more than they should be. I thought that lugging that bloody oxygen unit around on my back all day and freezing my kidneys was bad enough and now they are suffering in other ways. Shit.

So tomorrow I am going to rest and rest and rest. And if I need to rest again on Friday, then I will rest then too. I am important and it's about time I realised that.

Lots of love Debbie x

Hands up

If I promise to be very good and not swear anymore, please let me have an easier day tomorrow otherwise I'll hold up my hands and surrender.
To start with this morning low stats yet again. Next no parking space so had to drive down to the next car park, heave the wheelchair out the boot and push that so I had something to lean on to get to my building and with my brolly balancing over my shoulder as of course it decided to drizzle.
Next on the list, send in non stop students and then make our computers crash, crash again and again and again. To add a bit of spice, make the appointments we made earlier disappear off the screen just to confuse us all.
Enough was enough. At the moment I am the poster girl for low esteem apart from the fact, I'm not good enough to go on the posters and I did a girl thing and cried. How stupid can I get. By the time our boss came back it was all quiet, Sam went home shattered and I was hollow.
Of course the creme de la creme was the fact I got in the lift to go home and realised my handbag was still on my desk in the office with my ID card in it so I couldn't get back upstairs, so more tears welling up.
My mother had given up waiting for me to make her dinner and put a frozen ready made meal in to cook herself after I rang her from the car where I was stuck in traffic. But when I did arrive she was struggling to cut the roast beef that was still icy cold in the middle. Oh lord now I'm going to give her food poisoning. I managed to stop her before she ate it and finished cooking it while I prepared her dessert and got her lunch ready for tomorrow and she gave me her shopping list for tomorrow, but lucky me, she said I did't have to get it tonight.
I'm tired, my nose is sore from wearing the nose specs for longer today and my head hurts. I am going to pour myself a large glass of wine and lie to the 'Docobo' when it asks did I drink when I got stressed today. It's nearly nine and my dinner is still cooking, so maybe I just say sod it and have two glasses of wine!

Lots of love Debbie x

Little girl, you've had a busy day

Monday morning is here again already; gawd where does the weekend go? Today the drive in was really misty and everywhere was dank, but pretty and it made a delightful ride in. At the moment I need as many temptations as possible to get me into work, so beautiful scenery really helps.

My face is back to normal apart from my left eye hurting still and my stats were low yet again and that I have learnt, means I'm knackered before I start. But I still managed the day at work, which was really busy yet again and I managed a hard session at rehab, followed by a quick shop, cook mother's meal and then a meal with my boys and the lovely Reni. so yeah I did well.
Mind you, I could have fell asleep in the bath so easily when getting ready. Thanks to doing mother's evening meal, I had limited time before meeting my sons at our local Turkish restaurant. If I can't get to Turkey, then a Turkish meal will have to suffice! Very nice though, we all came out well and truly stuffed.

Had an interesting chat with one of the chaps at rehab today, he's been waiting for over a year now for a transplant. That made my heart sink I must admit, if my stats are averaging at 85 now on 16hr oxygen, what the hell am I going to be like in a years time and he's not even on oxygen yet? I asked where abouts he was on the list, but he wasn't sure. God I have so many questions to ask him, but where do I start.
Well I am one knackered, but very bunny now, so off to bed as I can just about see straight and with a dodgy eye, that's quite tiring.

Lots of love Debbie x

Some Sunday's you win, some you don't

Brrrr woke up this morning and I think I must have slept through Autumn and gone straight to Winter, as it's cold, wet and horrible out there.
Tim came round before the rain really came down and gave my grass a trim for me. We sat afterwards, had coffee and talked about our children's lives. It's good that we can still be good friends, but I do miss his wisdom and it is sad that he is the only man that I have ever been myself with. Just a shame that he was fighting so many demons all the time and I had such a yearning to see and experience life and got restless.

I took mother out for lunch after she staggered over to mine 45mins earlier than we were due to go out, even though it was agreed yesterday that I would walk over and fetch her. Stagger is no word of a lie as her knees were very painful. This was the first outing on them in over two weeks and of course they were stiff and painful. She had muddled up the times again thinking that I had forgotten her. She was is in a grotty mood, complaining about my oxygen tubes on the floor and saying how she had lived too long, that she didn't have long left, so that then launched me into a moody too, so this didn't bode well for a jolly lunch!
The lunch started well, but then rapidly went down hill as I gave her a serviette to wipe the dressing off her fingers so it didn't go over her white jacket and she thought I was nagging her. Bad move on my part. Then she couldn't make up her mind what roast she wanted, so our plates were swapped backwards and forwards as she tried both the pork and the beef. She then decided we should have half of each others. Ok I could live with that, but then she couldn't make up her mind about the dessert so we had liqueur coffee instead. I thought it might mellow her on top of the brandy she had already drunk. Nah... It was turning into one of those lunches.
She looked like she wanted to sleep as she was tired after a bad nights sleep last night and got very snappy when I said to let go of the bill money that she was grasping onto it, so she could lever herself up to stand so I could help her get her coat on. That turned into world war three so perhaps getting her slighty, well not merry... wasn't such a good idea! It was rather like taking a naughty child out.
But going home, she smiled and said it was a lovely lunch and thank you for taking her out. All worth it.
By this time though I was shattered, but pleased that she had actually enjoyed it and glad that her memory is so bad now, that she couldn't remember me snarling at her to behave in the restaurant.
Having her hanging on to me while carrying my oxygen unit too, the jumping in and out of the car to get her more food shopping... she always needs something from the shops, but never eats it... all this does take it out of me and I don't think she still understands why I wear my oxygen.
But she is my mother and I love her and maybe next Sunday it will be a good day.

Lots of love Debbie x

Full moon fallout

Nearly back to my normal drop dead gorgeous self. Went back to work yesterday feeling naked and about ten years older with no mascara on, but I didn't think it would be a wise move to put a bit of slap on, as I still resembled an owl with the bridge of my nose still swollen.
The left eye is still giving me gyp, but I'll live. I'll go to the cinema tonight so I don't have to scare the punters.

Had my flu jab done first thing this morning and had to sit out in the waiting room for 15mins afterwards in case I blew up like the elephant man after Wednesday's fiasco and because the last time I had gentamicin it had peculiar effects on me. I am beginning to think that I am the eighth wonder of the world at this rate! The real strange effect I have after one of these occasions, is that I have a burning urge to buy new clothes! I wonder how much I have in my bank account???

Weather is really cooling down now, although it was beautiful and sunny first thing. But alas I think I might have left too late to get my sheets dried before the promised rain arrives as they are still going round in my slower than slow washing machine.
I had a card from my sister and brother-in-law today who are living in Portugal for three months. I would have loved to take them up on their invite and stay over there for a week, especially as my other sister and two nieces are flying off tomorrow. But as we know oxygen and air travel doesn't come cheap I'm afraid and after my one and only attempt, it's not good for my nerves either!
In fact everything seems to have gone a bit awry this week. We should have been going on our yearly pilgrimage to watch Burnham's torch light carnival, eats loads of shell food, have a drink and visit the funfair tonight. I do hope that the funfair ladies, who always give me loads of cuddly toys even though I'm crap at the sideshows, I hope they don't think I've snuffed it! But Lynn can't make it as she fell up her kitchen stairs and cut her leg really badly over a week ago and she has got to get better as she's off to Torquay next week for a walking holiday with a jacuzzi etc in their lodge, bless her. Ann is at a Scouts fun day thing again, Julie is having to work and I don't feel up to it really. I think this Thursday's full moon had a bit of a weird effect on us all!

So I'm going to mosey on down round the shops and if I happen to buy something, it's all for the greater good of my health!

Lots of love Debbie x

Anyone for a bag of 2nd hand walnuts?

Uggh yesterday was a day that will never go down as a red letter day, more like the day my head turned into a pumpkin!
Still not a hundred percent sure what went wrong yesterday, but after I had eaten my lunch, my left eye started hurting. I donned my dark glasses as I was off home to have my physio, but by the time I had got to Cressing, the vision in my eye had gone completely blurred and the actual eye had swollen up as if someone had just punched me. As I got nearer home, my right eye started closing up too, luckily I was nearly at mine so I was able to limp home and then I looked in the mirror... Oo dear dear me!
The left hand side of my face had also swollen up, so my new found jawline had totally disappeared again and it felt numb rather like I'd just had a Novocaine injection at the dentist.
I did not look a pretty sight. More worryingly my oxygen stats had dropped down to 84%.
Sadie turned up to give me my regular physio. She took one look at the new me and bundled me into her car and off we drove to the doctors. Of course that was shut. So we zoomed into the chemist and there they sorted me out. I was even talking more gooblygook than usual too. I normally talk crap as anyone who knows me will agree to, but today I even surpassed myself!
I called Julie after I had my physio and wailed down the phone at how awful I looked. Of course she did what every best friend did in this situation and that was speed round to my bungalow to take a photo and put it on her face book... bless her!

This morning when I woke up, my eyes were still very swollen, but a lot better than yesterday and at least I could get my glasses on over my swollen nose so I could drive to the doctors. Some eye drops later, I was sent off to hospital for blood tests. The doctor reckoned it could be where I'd been trying to diet and have been using chopped walnuts on my yoghut, plus on my salads each day for the last couple of weeks, but that was a long shot or I could have even got some nut dust or mouldy cheese in my eye... who knows!
I sat in the hospital waiting area with what seemed half of Braintree all waiting for blood tests too, listening to some young lady screaming her head off while she was having her blood test done and the rest of us feeling sorry for the poor soul who was in next. Ok it was probably the girl being a drama queen, but that screaming was going to unnerve the bloodtaker however good they are. Good news of having a head like a pumpkin though, is you get a seat all to yourself in a waiting room. A couple of people made their way over and then had a rethink and stood instead!

Apart from a headache now, two misshapen eyes and a numb face still, I hope to go back to work tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Lots of love Debbie x

Lost opportunities and lost presents

As it was World Peace day I decided no hissy fits for a whole 24hrs, although the twit who drove a horse box around Bulford Mill nearly made me swear out loud, but luckily for him not only was I making my day a no tantrum zone... but I was just too knackered to care.
And the RAC you are the best in the world... thank you Jez, you made Oliver and me two happy people and stopped both of us swearing.

Work was still full on for most of the day, but there was two rainbows for me. Firstly another visit from our cute new chaplain, who has managed to get most of us women on our best behaviour and smiling, something that is rare in our office at the moment. I think that is what our department needs and I know ALL the women's libbers out there will properly shun me, but no one wants to look like a harridan in front of a handsome chappie let alone a man of the cloth!

Secondly a lovely friend's birthday pressie to me has got lost in the post... hoorah! I know that sounds weird, but I have been feeling a bit awful as I felt that she was waiting for me to say I loved her present, especially after I said I loved her card. But I couldn't because I hadn't had one from her and that was most strange as she is a very sweet favourite young friend. I didn't want to ask her 'Here did you not buy me a pressie?' which I should have done in a jokey way, but that would have sounded awful too.
Of course it didn't help that I was off ill for my birthday and she was away on holiday for a couple of weeks, the I was off and then she was off and then it was full on at work with no chance to have a coffee on your own let alone together and the opportunity to drop it in the conversation was lost. We never manage to finish a sentence off nowadays and this will probably last for a couple of months yet. Even our conversations on our shared love for True Blood would get interrupted for goodness sake with work getting in the way.
In the end she asked me if she had upset either Sam or myself this week because we were distant bless her? So even though this had nothing to do with our lack of talking... that was just sheer stress, I did the next best thing, I asked another one of her friends to solve the riddle.
A lesson learnt here... make more time for people you care for. Oo the chaplain is rubbing off on me!
Mind you perhaps today wasn't the best day to ask when she was worried that we were distant this week... Honestly angel if you are reading this, it's because work is grim and tiring at the moment and we aren't getting chance to talk to anyone other than about work.

So peace reigns again in my mind.

Lots of love Debbie x

Point 1 and 2

Not a good nights sleep at all last night. My shoulder was really giving me gyp to the point where I felt sick every time I coughed or breathed, let alone moved. At first I thought it was where my physio had been working on it and then I remembered that it was probably down to me dragging my green wheelie bin full to the top of recycling garden waste from my mother's garden as hers was also full. I dragged it from the end of my back garden to out the front of the bungalow over my small but bumpy front lawn. I would say that explanation was more likely.
I woke up looking like a train wreck and ended the day looking like an express train had hit me!
What happened in between?
Work today was not good. Now apparently Point 1; our desks are untidy and Point 2; disabled people would feel uncomfortable coming up to our desk. I hasten to add that point 1 and 2 are not related and that the disabled person working behind the desk i.e. me, doesn't view it as unwelcoming.
Really don't know what is going on here. Yes our desks are full of paper work most of the time, but that's because we are working on with it, although the desk isn't that untidy now, as I pushed most of it on the floor in a hissy fit! The annoying bit was I then had to pick it back up again, but it made me feel good at the time and Maxine's face was priceless.
The bit about disabled people feeling uncomfortable really got me though, as both Sam and I are professionals and have been for the past 11 years. There no one who comes through those doors without us clocking them whoever they are and whatever we are doing. We both found that really insulting.
Still I had a wonderful rehab session as I was so frigging annoyed, I was marching on the spot as if my life depended on it! No doubt my legs will seize up on me tomorrow just to add to another ailment to my knackered body!
Other annoying thing.... I found a spider sitting next to one of the strategically placed conkers in my bedroom. Either it had been rendered immobile by invisible gases coming from the conker thus making it easier for me to catch or it didn't speak French and didn't know it was supposed be frightened of them.
Thank goodness it's nearly bedtime!

Lots of love Debbie x

Annoyed ex equals stress

I must pay the price of yesterday's lovely day and today was the annoying day.

My ex husband very kindly agreed to come round and sort out my mother's garden, but he was not amused when he saw how overgrown it was. He asked me just why was it, that it was always him that had to do the garden when she has a son and two 'real' son-in-laws that that are all retired. A question that is often on my lips as I'm cutting the grass with my oxygen pack on my back!
So after he snarled at me, I wasn't the happiest of bunnies when my mother cooed him, asking him to put some plants in the wheelbarrow and sort out the shed too before he finished. I was seething as well as him and had to get her in quickly with a promise of a cup of tea.
At least I managed to convince her to get out of her nightie and into her daytime clothes. And yes I think it did make her feel better, but I am now shattered after zooming backwards and forwards with roast dinners, etc.
She was desperate to go for a drive, but as she had only started wearing day clothes today and she's still coughing like mad, I thought better of it. So I'm possibly the bad daughter today. But it's not the best idea to be in the confines of a car if she is still full of germs and coughing for England.
I've been very breathless today, probably because I was as tense as hell.
Ah well tomorrow is another day.

Lots of love Debbie x

Bliss

I had a lovely day today which started off with morning coffee in my back garden with Jean. My garden is a lovely suntrap and we sat there admiring the blue skies while talking about work, gardens, flowering tubs and hanging baskets. I think hyacinths for this winter.

Then this afternoon, I went to the BoatHouse at Debham, Constable country for afternoon tea as part of my belated birthday present from Barbara. Apart from a bolshie male driver in the car park which Barbara dealt with in her own formidable way, we had an absolutely blissful afternoon. The blue skies continued as we sat next to the river and before it started to cool off a little, we basked in the sun like two contented ladies on a page of a woman's magazine sipping Pimms. It was lovely.
We watched cows wading in the shallow parts of the river and even though it wasn't the same area as Constable's Haywain, you could see why he loved and felt inspired by this river. We watched ducks being fed by cute little children with bags of bread, carefully watched by their parents and reminisced about doing the same activity with our own children and hopefully again with our grandchildren eventually. Groups of canoeists going up stream, some learners having instructions shouted at them and others experienced and paddling quite fast. This is the vision of England that oversea visitors flock to experience and I for one felt very lucky. And all this followed for us by a scrumptious afternoon tea with a glass of champagne and for just for me the surprise of flowers and a balloon from Barbara delivered by a smiley waitress. I felt very special, thank you again Barbara.

Tonight I went to the cinema with another friend from work... slightly worse for wear I must admit after a glass of champagne and a glass of Pimms, but I stayed awake I'm pleased to say, but I did feel quite a lush, all be it a pampered one.

I have placed the conkers gathered from the BoatHouse all around my bungalow ready for bedtime to test the theory that they keep away spiders. The young waiter did look really surprised when I asked if I could have them and asked if I was deprived as a child, cheeky sod!

Some days are special and this was definitely one... Said it once already, but I'll say it again... bliss.

Lots of love Debbie x

Squatters

Hell it's obviously that time of year again when I'm not the only one who is finding it chilly outside in the evening. I have squatters and they are the eight legged variety.
Try chasing a spider while wearing oxygen and you'll know what fear is! I'm sure the little fiend was going 'Nurr Nurr Nurr' at me with one of it's hairy legs up at it's nose. Every time I got near catching it, I'd catch the tube under the door or it wrapped itself around my ankles and the bugger would escape as I was yanked back. God it was so frustrating and the language was hardly god like! If the Pope passed my bungalow on route to London, he would have been straight back on 'Prayer Force One' to Rome!
Still I caught the squatter spider and I took the fiend right down the garden path before releasing it over the garden fence to find a new home. I pay rent, that doesn't!
Will try the French idea of having conkers around the bungalow and hope they keep the beasties away.

Work was easier today. Not that mad rush where you couldn't finish one task before starting another two and information overload all the time. Plus I felt happier as I have got the meeting that I wanted in the first place next week with my boss and that was just to tell her what was happening with me in an informal chat without getting myself stressed, which is what happened yesterday. I know everyone has my best interest at heart and no more than my new line manager and I do feel sorry that I may have given her a hard time the last couple of days, but I have to be the one that decides when or if I go part time. It's bad enough that I have little control over this damn disease.
Actually nothing has really changed in me as my stats have been very low for ages. So if anything, I should be livelier after having 16 hours of pure oxygen shoved up my nose. I also worked out my sick record and it's 17 days since before well before Christmas if I've got it right, so I feel quite good actually considering I have a serious illness and have just got over pneumonia using just 10 days out of the 17 for that.

Perhaps I can try being nicer again to everyone. Wasn't that my new years resolution after my birthday to be nicer and more tolerant????

Lots of love Debbie x

I have survived!

I survived my first day back at work and was only 10mins late, but I had been helping a disabled student in the car park so I think I did well.
I did get up about 10mins early as I wanted a bath and everything seemed to take three times longer as my bungalow has suddenly turned into an assault course when trying to get round it attached to my tubing. The mozzie net will have to come down now as the tubing gets caught up on that a lot. The clothes horse, although helpful for hanging my nose specs on while washing my hair in the bath, turned into a bally nightmare when trying to get to the sink to clean my teeth etc.
All a learning curve, I'll soon get the hang of this.
Using my Docobo was quite exciting, god I have a sad life if I think that's exciting! No what I meant, was I meant was I did it with no hitches and I didn't confuse it, as Sam will tell you, I am a button pusher extraordinaire!

Work was non stop until about 3pm when it started to slow down thank goodness.
A bit concerned when I had my back to work interview that I was told by my line manager that she would be coming into the meeting that I had requested with my boss to update my her whats happening at the moment to me. It was supposed be an informal chat and update, so I'm hoping that a push to going part-time isn't on the cards.
Until I know whether going part-time would affect my pension or not, or whether it's actually what I want etc then I'm staying as I am. I think tomorrow I will work out how many days I've had off sick this year so far ready for the meeting. A couple on the floor have been off for a year from having a baby and that's their choice, an end stage disease is not my choice! I think it's about 15 to 20 days off since before Christmas, so it will be interesting to find out.
Other than that it was lovely to see Sam and have the banter that we do so well, surprising how we both missed that.

Lots of Love Debbie x

Give a dog a bone

Ooo I feel just like a bride trailing around my train behind me and having to whip it to catch up with me! Only we are not talking frothy lace and netting, more gawd knows how many yards of plastic tubing which gets stuck under doors, caught on chair legs or wedged between the settee cushions.
I think I scared the oxygen fitter who came to fit the tubing, as when he asked 'where did I want to walk to', I replied that 'as long as I could get to the fridge to get my pimms, I was happy.' Think I might have given him the wrong impression.
Spent what seemed most of the day making tea for people.
Firstly for the oxygen man who drank his very quickly after my remark and shot out the door without even looking back.
Then the TV aerial man who is a very earnest man, but such a boring man and charged me the grand sum of £100, but I have a picture again and I can watch True Blood clearly tomorrow night and not through a snow storm which is fine by me.... Mmmm Eric the Viking Vampire, Grrrrrr.
Next the very nice lady who came to fit the Dog bone, well it's not actually called that, it's called a docobo. It is actually a very clever machine, as it reads your stats, pulse, heat rate and your blood pressure. And it can do an ECG too. I cancelled my trial reading half way through as it went a bit mad like an Etch a Sketch meets a Richter scale when I thought I had broken it and I think a reading like that might have put me in hospital! It also has a defibrillator which is really cool, but she wouldn't tell me how to do that, because she reckoned my eyes lit up too much at the thought of zapping my friends... all in the name of science of course.
Then my friend called round in the middle of all this as the docobo lady and the aerial man turned up near enough at the same time. He was in his element as he quickly started talking about his blood pressure. I think he was angling to have his blood pressure read, but I was wondering if I zapped him, would it speed him up at all?? Then of course in the middle f all this there was the food shop and then the two trips to mothers to feed her, so after all that I fell into a much earned sleep for a while!

I can see the draw back with this 16 hour oxygen malarkey and is that you can easy sit there waiting for your last hour to be up rather than getting up and doing things. Mind you it's easier than tripping over and getting snagged up, so the portable is prefable really for the old mind set. There is a limit to how much day time TV anyone can watch.
I have surprised myself at just how healthily I've been eating the last couple of days, well apart from the danish pastry that Julie brought me. I am determined to lose weight so today I've actually made a proper tasty salad that has filled me up. Todays salad was smoked mackerel with horse radish and tomorrow it's going to be blue cheese and pear with walnuts. Although I be back at work tomorrow so the pear will probably get eaten tuit sweet!
I'm trying though and that's earning me a brownie point with the nurses!

Lots of love Debbie x

Back in the saddle

Feel more in control today. Well lets face it anything would be more controlled than last night when I was like a wailing banshee at one point crying into my pimms.
Didn't get to the doctors as I left it too late to make an appointment and actually it worked out fine, as I called the oxygen assessment team and chatted to them instead. They made me realise that I didn't have one foot in my grave as yet and that I did have choices, so that was fab, as I lurve being in control and I felt as if I was again.

Have the oxygen man coming tomorrow now to lengthen my tubing which is very good, as my nose was pulled flat when trying to reach my pimms yesterday while stretching my tubing to it's limit! Other draw backs? Reni thought she had called my mother's by mistake, as my TV was on so loud to drown out the droning noise of the concentrator, so deafness could be a new ailment! And bless her she came up with some lovely plans to cheer me up. Other draw backs, the fear of blowing myself up when cooking. I'm not using naked flames, but I'm still frightened when near the cooker and I can't live on salads for the rest of my life.

Saw Julie today back from Turkey and looking gorgeous with her tan. She really looked well and yes she brought me my cushion covers for my birthday, so I have a little bit of Turkey in my living room again now. She also brought me loads of good wishes from everyone out there which was brilliant as some of them were in video form. I had a little wrap sent to me from Gem in my favourite turquoise blue... That man knows my tastes so well. She also brought a danish pastry which I wasn't going to eat at first as I'm doing well on my diet, but thought sod it, I'm in shock! Tasted good... Mmmmm

Sadie come round for my physio too and a very helpful chat. That girl always knows the right things to say, she knows me really well bless her.
So all in all a better day. I'll go back to work on Thursday after all and see how it goes. Not long now till I see Dr Blainely and then I can see what route things are going to take.
Thanks for bearing with me.

Lots of love Debbie x

The bunny has left the building

What a difference a day makes, although in the song of the same title, I think it was about falling in love. Of course in the life of Debbie Burden, it's everything happening at once and not all good things alas.
Though I guess in time it will be good maybe???
Sorry I'm talking in riddles again.
I went for my Oxygen Assessment today and as we knew by the blue fingers it was not going to be 'Yay you're cured and blue is the new colour for this season!' This was more like shaking heads and kind smiles followed by the words that I've always dreaded... We are putting you on full time oxygen. Which isn't full time just a mere 16 hours of oxygen a day ha ha. In case you didn't guess that was hysterical laughter.
I thought I handled it pretty well at the time as she talked about work and how I must be really tired all the time and that I have had a good run with still working etc and I didn't stamp my foot once or cry. Just a kind of wave of subdued surrender washing over me as my dream of going to Turkey and Hungary again next year faded away even further out of my grasp.
I have to go back in six weeks time to get the final yes this is working and yes you are definitely on it 16 hours a day till you get either your transplant or you snuff it which ever comes first basically.
It's all power for the cause of the transplant they say, but all I know is everytime I cry wearing this, the tubes fill up with snot and tonight there has been a whole lot of crying, but at least I waited till I got home this time.

I have had so much advice today and again tonight, that my head is about to explode and I feel so wired and yet so tired that I can't imagine ever sleeping properly again. Apparantly I have to go back down the doctors again tomorrow and get myself signed off while I rest and get accustomed to the concentrator from hell. sorting out when I will wear it and when I will have my 8 hours off. Then wait in for the oxygen chap to come to fit a longer tube to the concentrator so I can walk around the bungalow wearing it, oh joy of joys and considering I've caught my foot in it twice already, that will be helpful. At the moment I can just about get to where I keep my Pimms wearing it! And oh baby am I hitting that tonight.
So no more crying now... Fuck my body, I'll get over this fit of the vapours as my late father-in-law would say and hopefully the bitch will be back very soon!

Lots of love Debbie x

Hyper bunny in the house.

As I said yesterday, I love September because it fills me of hope, enthusiasm and resolution to do better this year and today I got off to a grand start. I felt like the energized bunny as I washed windows, changed sheets and washed, dried in the glorious sunshine and ironed them, cooked a roast dinner for mother and myself and then cut mother's grass afterwards. Went back and finished off my housework, had a bath and went off to the cinema. Called into mother's on the way home and made her more sandwiches for tomorrow. she may have a heavy cold, but there's certainly nothing wrong with her appetite. I am a domestic goddess that is for sure, Nigella eat your heart out!

Not sure if all this domestic activity is such a good idea, as I'm off to the oxygen clinic tomorrow and if my stats aren't good tomorrow it could be off to jail, sorry hospital, do not pass go and do not collect two hundred pounds. But at least I have loads of clean knickers ready to take if worse comes to worse and my pyjama bottoms are ironed ready to go!

Cinema was good though. A British film called 'Tamara Drew' which made us laugh out loud quite a few times and had me thinking about planting hyacinths, as the cottage garden were she lived was full of them... God I must be getting old if get excited about plants! But if you want a good film to watch, I recommend it.
Listened to 'Elvis in Hyde Park' on the way home and I've promised myself that next year I am going to it come what may.
I actually got some highlights put in my hair yesterday at last and I'm feeling good!
So I'm now ready for the onslaught of new students tomorrow, although I shall probably be far from the dynamic bunny that I was this morning and more of a knackered old boiler instead!
So off to bed now. Nite nite.

Lots of love Debbie x

Changes big and small

Yesterday was quite full on at work and that wasn't because of the new students, but because we were getting ready for them. Sam and myself now have a new line manager and as she is also new to the job, it felt like as soon as I stepped through the lift door, it was a non stop barage of getting me up to speed.
And I had only been out a day.
I found the non-stop eagerness a little bit too much to handle and claustrophobic I'm afraid. I like to digest things at my own speed and we had already done something similar so it was straight sailing. But the eagerness turned into too much for too long and I shut off in the end and I really didn't want to offend her.
Today has confirmed to me that I am no longer embracing all these changes that are hurtling at us as easily as I'd like to, but you can't pick the speed that they come at you only how you handle them.
I survived the day though and I think without upsetting anyone, especially myself as getting upset gets you nowhere. I like this time of year and that helps. September always makes me feel full of promise. Everything feels like my first day back at school where I promise myself I'll try harder to be smarter. Nowadays I promise myself to be more tolerant. September reminds me of a new year at school. If you look at the hedges where the farmers have by now cut them quite drastically back, they remind me of some of the little boys in my infant and junior school days with drastic haircuts to save money! I find myself trying to turn over a new leaf and be a new improved me.

Still I have a new change coming my way and that manifests itself in a new piece of equipment which is coming to my home. This equipment is in the form of a stats machine that sends my readings down the phone line to the respiratory team. If my stats are lower than normal and I am normally pretty low at the best of the times, the nurse at the other end will contact me and advise that I'm about to snuff it! Hopefully I am winding you up there, but somehow I don't think they'd give me the equipment if I wasn't in some sort of danger. I am seriously trying to bust the NHS singlehanded here.

I will take all the changes work wise and health wise head on, but will digest them and contemplate them in my own time. Some times you have things thrust upon you, and some things are inevitable and it can be hard to see that change can come naturally as time passes. After all I have changed from a driver with road rage as I proved yesterday. Even when the dick on the Notley road said I should learn how to drive, I only told him 'not to be so anal you silly man' and drove on. So see change does come slowly, but you get there in the end!

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm a Smurfette

Yay I'm only light blue today, so resting has done me good. Actually it was lovely as I slept in till 9.45am and even though there was a MP on TV saying that it was wrong that people were going to work while others carry on sleeping on the sick, I say.... Bollocks to him... I work hard the rest of the time and not only working full-time, but looking after my mother to keep her out of a nursing home and saving them more money and I have been for years.
So yahoo sucks and bollocks to you! Ooo that word rolls off the tongue so well!

I wasn't just resting though today. I was being pro-active, as I was emailing HR about my deteriorating health and then talking to a very nice lady from the local Council for advice on how to keep mother safe and well in her bungalow. Mind you asking for help and admitting a certain amount of defeat was rather like the phone call I made to the vets when we couldn't cope with Jezzabell's rapidly failing health. I ended up in tears as she was so kind. Oh Lord, my mother isn't going to be happy that I compared her to my old dog!
Later dropped off yet another sample at the hospital and then had physio on my comfy bed at home instead of on a coffee table. Hannah told me how she made the others laugh when she said it was the first time she had given postal drainage on a coffee table surrounded by self-help books and books on 'how not to committe suicide!' I think we will try the photocopier next time as that has a nice slope to it and she won't hurt her back so much. Variety is the spice of life.

I think that the new Government might hire a hit man though to take me out, as Hannah was talking about getting the latest equipment installed into my phone line. It's sounds very clever as it takes my stats and sends the results straight to the clinic, they then advise me if I'm about to snuff it. At least it gives me advance warning on whether to bother hanging my washing out or not and to put on matching underwear. I have very strong views on what I look like when dying: mascara on, no regrowth hence why I'm not having my hair coloured all over again only highlights, make sure I have my two silver rings on and a pair of knickers on too. I do not want to meet my maker with no drawers on. Makes me cringe just to think about it.

Well back to work tomorrow in clean and pretty underwear!

Lots of love Debbie x

Coffee anyone with one lump of phlegm or two?

Got up early today to return to work and wore my new super duper bargain dress freshly brought yesterday, so looking good oh yeah baby! Work day ended with me having physio on the counsellors coffee table with my feet resting on a chair, with mascara smudged down one side of my face and emptying the contents of my lungs into a carrier bag.
How can my day go so wrong????
Easy, mention that your fingers keep turning blue and the physio swot team come bursting into your work place with blue flashing lights on their heads. Ok forget the blue flashing light bit, but the LSA who was sitting with me at the desk to stop me walking about too much, actually asked if I was in private health care to get this VIP treatment.

So verdict goes as follows: oxygen stats good when laying down, but pants when sitting up. Blood pressure up and heart rate high which is causing the headaches and the low stats are causing the blue fingers. Result: go straight home and rest tonight and tomorrow. Low profile at work on Friday and an easy weekend. Mmmm obviously the step climbing at Frinton probably wasn't such a good idea then. Plus my Oxygen Assessment appointment has now been brought forward to Monday instead of the 27th for Vera the Ear Slasher to see what's going inside my blood.

Wouldn't it be lovely to go just one week having an illness free zone with no drugs, no having to lug about an oxygen unit on my back and no hospital appointments. Just to have a week of mindless sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll... In fact just going for a long walk in the sunshine breathing normally, followed by a cream tea on route would float my boat to be perfectly truthful.
Sorry I'm annoyed with my body today. It will pass I know, but at long last I had decided to have my hair highlighted and tonight I had an appointment booked and of course I had to delay it. Sulking doesn't help anyone, but right at this moment it feels bloody good!

Lots of love Debbie x

No cake will pass my lips

Shall I have a lie in or shall I get up in the vain hope that the garage chappie will arrive early without pre calling... that was the question. The answer was I got up early and he arrived late the git. I never call it right do I, if I had the lie in he would have caught me with hair sticking out everywhere, dribble tide mark down my chin and still walking like an Aunt Sally from Frinton!

He called to say he was on his way about 10am and then an hour later he called again to say he was just leaving??? Er durr who called me the first time then? It was him, but apparently the garage with stuffed full of cars and mine was right at the back... yeah right and the tooth fairy is my twin sister.

Anyway car back and covered in kisses from me, with promises that I will never let some nasty thug hurt him again. Yes my car is male, because when it goes wrong, I can blame him! Believe me if I find out who snapped off my wing mirror, they will be housing a man hole cover where the sun don't shine.

Off to the opticians next and I give them their due, no one hid behind the counter and even the lady with the sweet squeaky voice kept smiling at me, ok it was a bit forced and a bit scary, but that will do for me. The optician in fact was very kind to me and seemed to take me seriuosly. I don't care if he was standing behind the door giving me lots of V signs and blowing raspberries as I walked out, he convinced me that he cared and is sending my glasses off to be checked. Bless him, but I guess you got to feel sorry for a woman who looks like an extra from Dr. Who and walks like a senile geisha.

Decided to really try hard to lose some weight today as a few extras found their way into my mouth yesterday. Why is it the moment you know you are dieting, the food that you always cook just doesn't feel enough? I usually eat very healthy for my main meal anyway, it's just all the rest of the crap that I consume that isn't healthy. So why did my salmon, green beans, asparagus and broccoli spears with hot beetroot not taste enough? There was plenty there, but the basil infused olive oil didn't quite fuse all the ingredients together quite as well as mayonnaise does.
Ann popped in on the way from Scouts with a sticky bun for me... Oh god I so could have eaten that, but I didn't and now I am regretting it as I'm soooooooooo hungry!
I have got to lose a couple of inches off my stomach. I have a huge black bruise on the side of my stomach and for the life of me I cannot remember catching it on anything, which rather leads to the conclusion that I have so much fat on that area that the offending object that bruised me must have bounced off the fat after leaving it's calling card! I reckon I have gained a stone since Christmas when I was last on steroids and I'm bound to go on them again this winter and I cannot afford to gain another stone. The battle of the bulge is well and truly on!

Lots of love Debbie x

Exercise meets Geisha girl

I'm walking around like an ancient geisha girl as the full impact of all that step climbing up from the beach at Frinton yesterday has now seized my calve muscles up into tight fists.
I was actually fine until about 5pm today and then wham, I'm walking like I've a penny between my bum cheeks. Why is this, I thought exercise was suppose to be good for you???

I've got today and tomorrow off as holiday and today I was taken out for a belated birthday lunch by Jo. Avril who is an ex colleague of ours and we haven't seen in ages, in my case at least a couple of years came with us, was supposed to be a surprise guest, but she forgot that bit and sent me a letter a while back to say she'd see me soon!
We went to the Compasses at Pattiswick again and it was lovely to show Avril where Oliver and Reni had got married and relive it all again. And of course the food was gorgeous as usual, I really love that place.

Felt a bit rough today and this was before the tight calves. I have a sneaky feeling that a free ten day all inexclusive holiday at Broomfield may be on the cards soon. A couple of times today my fingers turned really blue and I still have this blasted headache. I think maybe I had over estimated my healing powers after this bout of pneumonia as I am really quite breathless again and bloody tired all the time. Mind you climbing steps up a cliff face... Ok a slight exaggeration... but step climbing doesn't exactly help matters, but as I said... I over estimate myself as well as over exaggerate!
Time for a Pimms and chill out.

Lots of love Debbie x

Who moved the signposts?

After a bit of a slow start to the day with me dithering over just how far Aldeburgh actually is from here, I decided on taking mother to Holland on Sea instead.
After humping the wheelchair into the boot of the courtesy car and shoe horning mother into the front of the car, I set off to collect Ann as she has the task of pushing mother around and holding me up at the same time. Quickly had the car washed on the way to the garage, as I should hopefully be giving it back tomorrow, then filled it up with petrol and away we went to Holland on Sea for a jolly day.
And we ended up in Frinton. Not quite sure how that happened as I swear I followed the signs religiously and we did actually drive through Great Holland, but no sea just lots and lots of fields!
Frinton is good though, in fact I was very impressed just how good it is. The beach, once we found our way down to it, was really beautiful, sandy and very clean.
We couldn't convince mother to come for a paddle as it was quite a walk to the waters edge, so she sat and watched while Ann and I made our way down to the waters edge like two fat ladies off the old jolly postcards that we used to send. The water was quite clear and clean too ad actually once you got over the initial shock of nearly peeing your pants because it was so cold and letting out a few expletives, it was quite lovely. If it had been a few degrees hotter, I would have really been tempted to do more than paddle with my trouser legs rolled up to my knees.
We watched rather clever chappies holding on to very large kites while being attached to skates boards and surfboards whilst being dragged along and hurtled in the air accompanied by us going 'Woo,' we are easily impressed obviously!
After Ann nearly putting her back out pushing mother back up the slopes to the car park and me dragging myself up the steps, we went off for lunch is a rather cute cafe. In fact the whole day was cute and oldie woldie and even though it wasn't Oludeniz beach in Turkey, it was very, very nice. A lovely day.

Lots of love Debbie x

Chores done and the weekend starts.

I had quite a pleasant day today thank you for asking. Woke up quite early for me and yes it was the weekend, but I had lots of moaning to do, so busy, busy, busy. I contacted the dreaded opticians again and was told to come in to see them in the week as they were short staffed and quite busy today. Maybe they didn't want me moaning that their glasses were giving me headaches and crying while chaining myself onto their ankles begging them to do something about it please! Actually thinking of it now, they should have jolly well seen me today and not fob me off, but there you go, me trying to be Mrs Reasonable again and getting sidelined for my patience in the process.

Next moaning session was BT as all the channels with 4 in the title and poor old ITV who never ever lets me down, totally disappeared last night after endless fiddling and swearing. The last few nights the screen has been like a jigsaw or disappearing or freezing for a little while, but last night... zilch. Spoke to a very nice man who said it sounded either like my aerial was dodgy or I needed a booster fitted. Ah ha! I have a booster in my cupboard, but the very nice man couldn't help me with advice on how to fit it, so it was just me in wellies and rubber gloves in case of electric shocks and left to my own devices! Anyone who knows me well knows I cannot read an instruction manual for love nor money, so a smoking curly perm on it's way!
But ah ha, I did it and it's still crap, so time to call in the bang guns. Unfortunately the big guns come with big price tags and I was told £175 for a new aerial. Gulp, 'but I have a new aerial and you fitted it a couple of years ago' I cried. Thankfully he remembered me in my old address and said in that case it could just be the aerial needing adjustment considering that he didn't fit it when I moved and we've had high winds and bonus it probably won't cost as much... phew! For one moment I could see my planned blonde highlights going straight out the window! Just got to wait a week or so.

Took mother out to lunch at Tiptree Jam factory as we haven't been there in ages and it was very nice. She looked a bit out of it at first, but after something to eat, she seemed ok, but looked very old and tired bless her. Will take her out to the seaside tomorrow if the weather or her knees are willing.
Later Ann and myself went off to to Toystory 3 at long last, but Ooo it was worth the wait. Apart from a minor hiccup of nearly insulting the man next to us, the night was plain sailing. I thought the said man who came in holding a ladies hand just as it started and plonked himself down quite heavily next to Ann, was with his wife. The hiccup came when he started doing a nonstop dialogue about wearing the 3D glasses before going into raptures about the dustcarts. I asked Ann in one of my mother's whispers if he was simple or what, Ann whispered back out the corner of her mouth... yep! Ok I'll just crawl under the seat now then!
Luckily for him there was lots of dustcarts and for us lots of tears, because it was lovely and like all women, we love a good cry.
So apart from a headache which will not go away, it's been a lovely day.

Lots of love Debbie x

I did it!!!

Yay I did it. I went to the away day and survived... I am a demi god!!! Honestly to me it was a huge achievement. I managed to do my morning drug routine and get to Jean's early. We went to the centre and I only had to walk out once as I began to feel a bit on the twitchy side and that was nearly at the end of the last break away session, so a gold star for me as far as I'm concerned.
I know why it became such a 'must do' thing for me to conquer and that was because my big boss said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to and that took the pressure off me. But it then gave me a personal challenge to see if I could overcome the fear of going somewhere different with people I didn't know and was going to have to talk to them without gibbering.
I hope I didn't come across aggressive like I normally do when I'm scared. I don't think I did as there were people that I had met before from the other campus and that made it easier for me.
I came home jolly tired though and can now sleep for a week, especially as the worry of going to the away day has now passed. I might actually sleep without trying to strangle myself with my oxygen tubes from rolling about the bed as much as I have been just lately.

I do have another challenge tomorrow and that is going to see the opticians yet again about these new glasses and convincing them that I can not see properly while wearing them. I couldn't see the text on the huge screens today when my boss was doing her presentation. I now know it is the glasses and not me, as my sight was blurry and my eye balls actually ached when I got home. The guest speaker must have thought I was a right tart sitting there in sunglasses come the end of her presentation in the semi darkness, as that was the only way I could see the screens! So famous high street opticians that I can't name... You suck!

Lots of love Debbie x

Away day panic

A bit of a scary night last night. First of all I woke up about 3am feeling really quite grim and I realised that I wasn't attached to my oxygen concentrator yet again. Then at 5am I woke up again and to be honest I was lucky that I actually woke up at all as the oxygen tubing was wrapped around my neck not once, but twice and quite tightly too.
To say I felt sick and headachy was an understatement. Wrapping myself in knots while I'm sleeping is beginning to become quite fatiguing, as most mornings I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed in the first place.
In summers past I would get up really easily with the light mornings, but I dread to think what state I will be in come this winter's mornings. I have just a few things that could be worrying me (lucky me hey!) and they are obliviously having a major consequence on my waking hours. This morning I was quite rude to a member of staff who was talking loudly when I was trying to speak to a client on the phone and normally that is not me... I'm normally rude about them as they walk away!

Tomorrow I have to try and get myself together early enough to go to this away day at Cambridge for work. My big boss has given me permission to stay off if I can't do it, but I then feel I'm letting myself down if I don't try. I don't think I had to try hard to convince her that I was neurotic as I'm being getting myself in a state about this away day for ages. If I don't know the place that I'm going to, I don't feel safe anymore. I'm also panicking that I will make poor Jean late if I don't get to hers in time and I just know the traffic is going to be shit getting to Braintree, all the kids are going back to school for one thing. God maybe I do need the happy pills from the doctors???
I don't think anyone thinks I'm using my disability as a get out clause apart from me even though they all said that I was a 'jammy bugger' for being able to not go, but if I feel like I did this morning, the only place I'm going; is to the other side of my bed for another couple of hours sleep!
Wish me luck, because I will need it and so will everyone else if I'm a foul mood again.

Lots of love Debbie x

Hellooo Sunshine

Ooo sunshine and warmth today!

Really wanted to have a nice leisurely breakfast outside, but work beckoned me in the distance, so off I went. Still it put me in a fab mood driving in with the windows down as it was so warm, plus that helped to mask the smell of baby puke coming from inside of the courtesy car, but a few sunny tunes on the radio from Mr Evans and I was smiling the whole way into work.
And best of all Sam is back from her holiday travels in Cornwall... Yay, I'm so glad she is back, our inane chatting and innocent bitching makes the day go so much faster and we laugh so much about the most ridiculous things, I do love that girlie. Plus she brought me fudge... Mmmm

Had my physio today which is always hard work in the warm weather. I look like I've done ten rounds with a heavy weight boxer after must physio sessions, but in the heat it's ten times worse! It was hard shifting the phlegm again and there was a lot of it. Gross I know, but Sadie worked her miracles and got right down to the nitty gritty in the bottom of the lungs to empty them. She is really good as she can feel it and just knows where to concentrate on to shift the dregs. After a little nap in the garden and a couple of headache pills later, I felt ready to go again. So good to feel the sun on your skin again.

Lots of love Debbie x