Blue skies again

The black cloud has certainly lifted and the one that has been looming over me for the last month isn't the only one to shift, as it's stopped raining and the weather is quite lovely today. It's how October should be, beautiful blue skies, nip in the air first thing and when the sun starts lowering, but lovely warm sunshine in between.
So whether it is the good weather today or the good news yesterday I don't know, but I'm not complaining as I feel certainly more positive then I have in a long while.

Mother even ventured over to mine for a morning cuppa, which turned into lunch and then afternoon tea. A tired looking Julie came round too with cream cakes and said that Darren was very close to having his crutch put where the sun doesn't shine with his constant calls of 'mum' every five minutes! She is obviously very glad that he is safe and sound, but I can't help think that it is unfair her running around after him now he's done his leg in from the motorbike crash, when she was so dead against him having a bike in the first place.
The bless her, tonight she is babysitting overnight for a projectile vomitting grand daughter. I forgot how much I hated the smell of sick as I helped clear it off of Julie's sofa! Poor old Julie has another night of hardly any sleep in front of her by the looks of it.

I had my physio done again this afternoon at the new community hospital in Braintree. I haven't bee there for a while as they have been coming to me. I asked Ruth what tests did I have in store for me. Lots, was her answer and that I'd be sick to death of them by the time I got to the transplant stage. Ok, worrying, but Ruth is always honest, no good rose tinted it. I'll look it up on the internet. She said her main aim would be to keep me fit and healthy, so I'm going to start going to rehab twice a week soon. Seems a bit of a paradox having to get really fit to prove I'm well enough to have the transplant because I'm ill and no longer fit. Weird, but I'll do whatever it takes.
I got a text this afternoon to say I have an appointment already from Occupational health. Speedy little movers, I almost felt unwanted. This is going to be another case of everything plodding on and then the music stops and everything turns into a whirlwind of activity.

Lots of love Debbie x

New woman here I come

Yay looks like I'm going to get my chest cut open, my bits taken out and I'm pleased about it and I'm not even drunk!!
My specialist has decided that the time is right and I am ready now and if all the tests go well and there are a great many of them by the sounds of it, then I'll go off to Papworth and be put on the list.
I feel as if I've just got another hearing against a prison sentence which I already had one foot in the prison cell, but now I've a good barrister firmly on my side.
He asked a lot of questions about my holiday, about work etc and I've had to agree on some conditions. I also answered the questions as honestly as I could without sounding like the local loony, as I know I've got to go for a psychological test as well and I know I'm not right in the head without having a specialist telling me. Blimey, I do hope there's not a test for anger management, as I'd fail that bugger straight away!
I'm never a hundred percent sure of what he's thinking, as he smiles a great deal all the time, but I honestly hope that over the years he has got to know me a bit at least and that even though I'm a pain in the arse, I am a fairly good person who is very determined.

Big hugs to my friend Julie, who not only sat with me this morning in hospital, then had to go back tonight and sit with her son who took a tumble off his motorbike. This was her worse nightmare and he is now laying in a hospital bed with a smashed knee. Get well soon Darren and please get rid of the bike for your mother's sake.
Love you Julie

Lots of love Debbie x

Titanic tears

A few more tears today, but that because I was watching that marvelous TV programme 'Titanic, The Mission'. Gosh it's such a fab programme!
This week's episode was about the Titanic's anchor and the team's rebuilding using the same methods as the iron workers originally worked. The programmes team found no statue to commemorate this huge feat of constructional achievement where the factory stood and now the town could actually have this second anchor on show there to eulogize the hard work of the original men's achievement.
Of course the men now wear fireproof clothing and hard hat helmets, where yesterdays workers only protection was a leather apron, leather gloves and a flat cap.
But it was the parade at the end that had me crying. They did an exact replica of the original parade with twenty shire horses pulling the cart and the whole town out to cheer it on, including an old lady of 101 who was there at the first parade. So spine tingly watching it!

I'm off to specialist tomorrow. Not sure what to expect, whether he'll put me forward again for the transplant or what as a lot has happened since my last consult with him. I have to write my list of questions tonight of what I want to ask him, as I always forget something and you don't get very long in there with him. And I mustn't be vain and go in looking better than I feel either.
I laid in the bath this morning just looking at my chest and wondering if I was luckily enough to get a transplant, just how far they cut down etc. Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think I would be envisaging that question! It's not that I really want my chest cut open, but it's my only hope now of leading an normal life as my options have run out for me and I want to live very much.
It's a funny old world hey?
Julie bless her, has got the short straw for tomorrow. At least I can cry directly onto her shoulder tomorrow and not down the telephone while sitting in a lay by as after previous consults. I do find these appointments very stressful now. Well what happens happens.

Lots of love Debbie x

A new dawn and new day

Feeling brighter today and more on solid ground again.

Had a long chat with Ruth this morning which helped enormously. Ruth who is the head physio team and is the voice of all reason, well my reason. She has always seemed to be able to calm me down and not laugh at any of my little niggles that I come across.
We talked about my big decision which I have been contemplating which will be revealed in time, after of course that I have it certain in my head and spoke to the correct people.

Even managed a trip to the shops on my own today. Only because I had to go, as I had hardly anything of Barbara's goodie bag left in my fridge. And mainly because all my friends were running around after my mother and I didn't want them to spend the whole of their weekend running after me and my mother. Plus Ruth's talk had made me feel a lot stronger, although she did reprimand me for telling strangers who annoy me to, ' drop dead, so I can have their lungs'
Ok, I won't say that again, well not unless they really pee me off!

Weighed myself today and I have actually lost nearly a stone. Mmm so why doesn't it show that much? Alright I have been weighing myself of mother's scales and they are probably dodgy like most things in her bungalow! But my bungalow smells of fish now after my healthy dinner of baked mackerel and I have been really good in not having anything in my fridge that could tempt me, well apart from a few cans of Pimms, but I can't be a total angel can I?
I must remember now though to remove my oxygen specs when blowing out the scented candle in the kitchen. I've already had one disaster from healthy food!

Ohh and on my food shopping trip... I brought some Bach flower rescue remedy, so things are improving I promise.

Lots of love Debbie x

Sorry, sorry, sorry

Apologises to anyone who reads this as this really is a blog to kill yourself by at the moment, as it's so depressing it should have Morrisy playing in the back ground!
I'm so sorry I really am. I'm sorry to anyone that I've snarled at in the past couple of weeks, so that includes my mother and Ann. I'm sorry to anyone that I've let down that includes my mother again, Barbara and Sam, plus anyone that has to cover for me at work, but for some reason you still call me and care about me.
So thank you to everyone that have stuck by me and listened when I'm crying, on the verge of crying and have just finished crying and that includes mother yet again, I do appreciate you all very much, more than you know. For my friends that have trailed around the shops today on their day off to get me some super strength echinacea in the vain hope that I can build my immunity up again and sorry Julie and Natalie for making you jump through hoops for my Bach flower rememdy only for me to change my mind.
I will do better I promise.

Short and sweet today as I feel my hand reaching for the box of tissues yet again!

Lots of love Debbie x

Round 1

Thank goodness for good friends.
The sort that come and pick up your mother and take her to the doctors for her flu jab, because there was no way on earth I could have got my weary butt up in time. And the best thing was I didn't have to even ask as two of my friends both offered before I admitted defeat that I wasn't going to be able to do it however noble my intentions.
I was feeling a lot better today, but they foresaw the problems that had niggled me which I thought I could conquer... er no... I may have felt better, but it wasn't until about 1pm before I actually realised that I felt better, if that makes any sense and mother's appointment was 9.40am.
Thank you to Ann and Barbara for being realistic and kind.

Although I actually managed to break out of the bungalow for an hour, as Ann offered to push me around Freeport, well a little corner of it, but was so lovely to get out. I even managed to buy something to wear.
Mind you I was so knackered when I got home and all I did was sit with the most energetic thing I did was opening my purse!
So glad that the conkers that I've placed around the bungalow seem to be keeping the spiders at bay, as I think if I had to try and catch one at the moment, you just might be calling an ambulance for me as I'm still trying to remember how to walk and breath at the moment without my head and chest trying to burst open like something out of an Alien film!
What's the betting though, I get an army of spiders passing through tonight as it's wet outside now?

Ok I'm not quite ready to do a marathon just yet, but I am making progress and I still haven't cried!

Lots of love Debbie x

Stop the crying

Hoorah I have survived 24hrs without crying although I've had a couple of moments where I have nearly sprung a leak. I do however feel as if I have been repeatedly beaten up as every bone in my body aches at the moment, especially when I walk. When I'm unleashed from the oxygen concentrator, I get horribly out of breath when I walk too. So today I have sat down a lot, seemed the most sensible thing to do really.
I don't know whether it's the cold my mother and sister had or extreme tiredness which Sadie thought or what has been going around the office, but I know I feel crappier than I have for a long while, more so than when I had pneumonia.
Also when I am off the oxygen leash, I have a phantom tube around my neck, well that's what it feels like as I can still feel the tubing under my chin making my throat feel dry. I have heard the people that have escaped the hangman's noose feel the rope for a long while afterwards, so I sympathise with them.
So apart from the phantom tubing and the phantom sack of spuds across my shoulders and a rather heavy heart, everything in my world is just dandy.

I do a lot of thinking at this time of night, which is 12.15am just for the record and I don't feel as plagued with guilt as I did yesterday. Yesterday I felt I'd let down my mother, Barbara and Sam terribly. Sam because she was left to cope yet again at work. Barbara because she had brought me tickets to see Michael Buble and I feel too crap to go on Sunday. But my mother made me cry the most as I really snapped at her and she got so upset thinking that I would stop loving her because she felt she was a nuisance. God mother never in a thousand years would I stop loving you. And before anyone thinks she knows what strings to pull, no way that was fear and panic in her voice. Anyone that has ever had a child stop speaking to them would know that fear that you get in case someone else that you love stops loving you too and that pain grips your heart with ice.
But today, Barbara bless her, just wants me to get better and will take Alan to the concert, so I'm not to worry and Sam just wants me to get better too, as she says it's only work although she misses my moaning.
So although I still feel worse than when I have been admitted into hospital at other times and I know for a fact my stats are lower than when I've been rushed in, I can stop the carrying the guilt at least and just concentrate on getting better.
As for my mum she loves me and she knows I love her which is the most important thing. We love each other unconditionaly, although we moan like hell about each other and that's a good love!

It's a funny old world really isn't it.

Lots of love Debbie x