Had better days

With so much sadness in the world, I'm always amazed that people want to add a bit more by being mean.
The day started off with a bit of an upset, as while I was sitting peacefully on my bed administrating my drugs, Oliver called to say that my mother had fell again and he'd meet me over at her bungalow.
It's always a horrible moment as you want to run straight over there, but I know that I have to get my oxygen sorted etc, as I would be no use to anyone otherwise.
Luckily she had just slipped off her bed again when she went to climb back in it and the actual bed moved because of the castors on the legs. But although she couldn't get up again, she wasn't hurt and was able to press the care call button, who called Oliver and him me.
Even though mother was alright this time, it does give you a horrible feeling of doom as you walk to her front door as to what you are going to find when you open the door.
After we were satisfied that mother was going to be fine and to make sure she had eaten her breakfast and drank her cup of tea, I got myself ready to go to church parade for Remembrance Sunday. Before leaving I made a quick call to one of my siblings about making her bed less mobile by taking off the castors.

Once again because of the sheer number of people wanting to attend, it was held in the village hall and it was still full up with standing room only at the back of the hall.
Two rows in front of me, I noticed a friend's son home on leave from Afghanistan. He looked so smart standing so upright and so grown up if not a little drawn, but as the British Legion mini film rolled on the big screen, I noticed the tears rolling down his face. I think it was at that moment that you realised that there for the grace of God, his face and name wasn't on the remembrance call this time and I said a little prayer that it never would be.
There wasn't many dry eyes in that big old village hall today and I think that only a soulless person could have been unaffected today. I personally found myself putting all that I had in my purse into the collection for the British Legion, who will be helping to fund prosthetic limbs and rehabilitating hospitals for the wounded soldiers, after all I haven't done anything heroic and hopefully I will be getting NHS money spent on me to have new heart and lungs, so I wished I could have given more.

After checking on mother and taking her some treats to cheer her up, I went home and answered my telephone which was ringing as I went in through the front door and got well and truly blasted.
One of my siblings didn't like that I had questioned another sibling on how safe our mother's bed was after the first sibling had taken three out of eight legs off her bed to stop it moving around.
Because I had told the second sibling that I'd better try and get another friend around with a power drill thingie to take the other legs off so it was even... and the second sibling had kindly reported it straight back to the first sibling...so I was yelled at and had the phone slammed down on me...twice.
Ok, slightly over reacting me thinks and thank you sibling two for what seems, a slight bit of stirring. I did call the first one straight back and tried to reason with them and that I was grateful that they has came over, but I was a bit worried that the bed wasn't level.
I was told that from now on I could look after her. I wanted to say, 'well isn't that what I've been doing on a daily basis for years?' but I thought better of it as it might inflame things even more.
But some nasty things were shouted at me before the phone was slammed down for a second time on me.
I am related to a family of divas and this diva is going to sit and have a damn good cry, so please excuse me.

Lots of Love Debbie x

As Roland sings...Life is a roller coaster baby

A bit of a late one last night as I was watching the Big Brother Final on recorded TV as I had my friends around last night. Yes I know I am sad watching Big Brother, as quite a few of my friends have pointed this out to me over the years, but I love watching people and how they try to work each other.
As it was Ann's birthday, I said I'd cook a 'slimming world' steak pie for her as a treat. Not as fattening as it sounds as it was a filo pastry lid rather than made with the traditional short crust or puff pastry, but very rich and very tasty. Lynn brought over a weight watchers pudding, so all in all apart from her little carrot cake cupcake with a candle, I don't think she went off our diet too badly.

The rest of the day went off better than I thought really, as when I called Papworth to find out whether I had got the 2008 smear test results, they had but the lady couldn't tell me whether or not that the doctors would use those results or whether I would have to wait for the new tests to go through to them.
To say my heart sank was an under statement.
I can now see why they offer counselling, as all this does rather mess with your head somewhat. A while ago, I often used to have a dream where I was trying to get somewhere important and all the time people were stopping me to do a chore for them and before I could go very far I'd get stopped by someone else to do another task. Sometimes I couldn't open my eyes properly either, which was even more frustrating.
I haven't had this dream for a while now which is suprising, as this is what my life has felt like since the word transplant was mentioned. One last task after another one last task, so prehaps it was preparing me for this emotional roller coaster?
I know it sounds like I am whittering on and feeling sorry for myself, but quite frankly I just feel a little bit lost at the moment. I am so lucky that I have good friends and family that keep me as busy as I can be and believe me, I know life could be a whole lot worse, but I just want to shout at the moment, but I don't know who at or why.
Answers anyone?
Still my life could be even more confusing as I could be Aaron off of Big Brother, who got booed when he came out out the house after winning the show. Now that is confusing as they must have been voting for him to win right up to the last minute. I guess he will be having confusing nightmares for a long while too!

Lots of love Debbie x

Victory

Move over Sherlock as there is a new detective in town.
I know I am like a dog with a bone when I know I'm right about something, but in this case me being an old dog has paid off and my reputation of being totally anal when keeping hospital and doctors appointments, is back on track.
I knew that my surgery was wrong and the very nice nurse who did my smear test for me today, solved the mystery for me there and then.
Yes I was right...well nearly, as my last smear was not 2007, but in fact the 1st May 2008 and not 2005 as my surgery told Papworth...Grrrrr...so I'm two years too early for this smear, but it's done...again.
The nurse found it in the second column that she clicked on, and said that someone hadn't placed the data in the main results column.
Good news though, as it was negative, but it still means that the surgery has actually held up my going active for the last couple of weeks for nothing and if it wasn't for the fact that I wasn't prepared to take their information as gospel, I could have been waiting a lot longer and that is so damn annoying.

I still don't feel a 100% percent today, but at least that's one worry off my shoulders. I think Papworth are still unimpressed with the fact that my surgery closes on a Wednesday, let alone this little error.
I have now got nearly two days worth of antibiotics inside me now, so lets hope whatever it is will soon start shifting. It could just be another cold as people in shops and other public places have been coughing and spluttering for ages. I do wish that this headache would pass though, as it feels like someone is squeezing my left eyebrow very tightly!

The update on my car is it should be back tomorrow now, as although the body work was finished, it failed the road test... something to do with the back axle. Gosh the laddo who caused the accident must have really smacked my poor car when he hit it.
I had to fill the hire car up today with diesel and luckily I had only used half a tank, as that half tank cost me just over £50. Blimey, I glad I'm not driving that forever.

I've decided against going to my course tonight, as I think another early night is in order tonight to try and get rid of whatever is lurking below the surface of my poor little lungs!

Lots of love Debbie x

Not a red letter day

I woke up today with what seemed like the hangover from hell, which was surprising as I haven't drunk anything stronger than a fizzy ginger beer in ages.
Everything hurt and my head was really fuzzy, so either I have got an infection brewing again, which I have thought for a while. Or I had got myself so upset about the lost smear test and it's added complications which has now set me back going active for my transplant and it has given me a real knock back.
I think it's both.

Today I had to wait in for the oxygen engineer to come and sort out my portable oxygen unit and hopefully for my car to be returned. Unfortunately no sign of my car which means that I'll have to drive the hearse for a bit longer.
In fact I've got to fill the car up with diesel soon as it has to go back with a full tank and I'm really dreading taking it in to the garage in case I get it wrong for some reason or can't get the diesel cap off. I'm so annoyed that this little car crash seems to have robbed me of all my confidence behind the wheel of a car. Well it's not so much driving it, more the reverse parking it and the fact that I still feel car sick in it when driving it any distance.
I will treasure my little 'Note' when it comes back home. I promise that I'll keep it polished and tidy forever.

The oxygen man came in the end about 3pm and started talking about cryogenics, which alas went straight over my head. I found myself just staring at him as he was talking about my unit. I'm sure his words made my hair move with the breeze as the words shot straight over my head!
As far as I know, it leaks, it freezes my left kidney when I wear it on my back and it drips water everywhere.
All I want is one that works please.

So oxygen sorted, well apart from there wasn't enough to get me to Maldon and you can't refill it straight away, so I had to set off to St Pete's for a pummelling with the old fashioned oxygen cylinder which are so heavy to carry.
Having this mock hangover while feeling car sick did not add up for a peaceful drive and the car park proved to be a challenge once again for me. It is a bit of a free for all in the parking stakes there and I was 3point turning for about ten full minutes again, much to the amusement of yet another male driver in the car park, but luckily he was more of a gentleman.
I am going to have a sign printed up saying 'This is not my car!'

In between my pummelling, we chatted about whether I have an infection or not and I told my physio that it was typical, that on Tuesday I couldn't produce any sputum till after the hospital sample collection had gone and today I've been producing non stop, but I had to stay in waiting, so I still couldn't get to the hospital in time for the sample collection.
I have done one now and will hand it in at my surgery tomorrow when having my smear test done. But even though I didn't want to, I have started my emergency antibiotics, as I do not feel right at all and I feel very under the weather. I've fell asleep four times today and I still have a raging headache and aching body. I never do feel right on a daily basis, but I feel yuckier than my so called normal for me.
Not feeling a well bunny.
So early to bed me thinks.

Lots of love Debbie x

Call in Sherlock Holmes please

I heard from Papworth today...Yay! I need to do another test...Boo! But I will lay back and smile widely while thinking of England or in my case...Papworth, as yep you guessed it, this test is another smear.
Apparently my last smear was done in 2005, which means I've been on oxygen longer than I thought if my surgery is correct?
Now I've been working it out.
I know that I have only lived here in my bungalow for the past two and a half years now, this being my third Christmas. Plus I had only lived in my cottage at Braintree for two and half years, that making five years. I know for sure that I had just been put on oxygen when living at Braintree when I had my last smear, as they had to put me on oxygen kicking and screaming, as I was so against going on it.
My poor physios certainly earned their wages then, as I was throwing my toys out the pram in a tantrum left right and centre!
I was so convinced that I was correct and I was so annoyed that my surgery had told Papworth that I had never replied to the letter of invitation to have a smear, that I went through my own personal file of doctors letters and guess what? I found a letter from my specialist to my surgery, stating that I would benefit from long term oxygen therapy at home...dated 13 Dec 2006, meaning that I started my oxygen in 2007.
2007 from 2011 is 4 years even with my crap maths.
Ok so what has gone wrong here then? Surgery sent the wrong dates or put wrong dates on my file?
I understand Papworth wanting to get everything exactly right, which I am jolly pleased about as after all it's my life in their hands, but it looks like my surgery hasn't quite got it right and that's scary. At first I was annoyed that this blunder will hold me up going active, but now I'm just worried that they had got it wrong in the first place, so what has happened to those results of 2007?
Although I'm still furious that they said that I hadn't replied to my smear invite and this will be made known when I go on Thursday morning, because when it comes to my health I am diligent to the extreme....Grrrrrr... I won't be grouchy or rude as that isn't my style, after all everybody makes mistakes, but why say that it was my fault for ignoring the letter (which I sincerely doubt there was one) and not going for another smear?
As Jean has always said, I never forget if I have been wronged.
I will wait till after the smear has been taken, as I don't want the nurse taking at a run at my vagina with the implements and I will wait till after she has put urgent on the sample request form and then I will ask why the dates given to Papworth were different to what I know, as after all I was there, legs a kimbo, smiling widely!
Blimey I can't wait till Thursday now.

Lots of love Debbie x

SOS in a multi storey

If stress is a non starter for breathing problems, then I am lucky I didn't suck in a whole back pack's worth of oxygen in one go from where I was hyperventilating this morning!
And why was I a quivering wreck? I'll tell you why... I was trying to park that damn hearse in the multi storey car park that's why. I attempted a 3 point turn, but it turned into a 375 point turn, and I was mortified, as I never have problems reversing in my own car.
The sweat was pouring off of me where I was panicking so much.
The reversing bleepers on the car went into over drive where I shunting backwards and fore wards so many times, to where I was arguing with the bleepers, telling them that I had more room and begging them to sssh so I could concentrate.
Did they sssh? No way, they started bleeping at me like an invasion of toy space men and then suddenly they just flat lined on me... Ooo now that was worrying...I had killed the car.

All the while of me going backwards and fore wards, there was a bloke sitting there in his car watching me and yep, three years of learning British Sign Language helped me lip read what he was saying... very clearly!
To his question of 'why buy a ******* big car if I can't ******* drive it?' It's not mine, but some joker on the courtesy car desk sent it to me.
And to his fact that I was a woman ******* driver and blonde ****. Yes true I am a woman, but my blonde comes out a bottle and I'm neither stupid or part of a woman's anatomy, but you sir are a complete knob head!
If ever I wanted to get out and leave a car where it stood, it was then. I even contemplated calling my brother-in-law and ask him to drive over and move it for me.
I would have loved to go over to this chaps car and point out the error of his ways, but he drove off too quickly and when I had eventually parked it and collapsed in a heap... it was in another car parking space completely!
Ooo and why was I on this journey of self humiliation? To buy a 'Last Will and Testament' of course. Gawd I nearly died before I'd even filled the damn thing in!

Yes, I can confirm that stress does affect your breathing.

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm sitting in the naughty corner...again

Nice one Debbie, who got so wrapped up in having fun yesterday and forgot all about her washing on the line? I did. And who left her towels out all last night, which of course was Guy Fawkes night or known as bonfire night? Me again.
They now have a slight smell of gun powder. Probably a perfect match for my days when I'm a little fire cracker or about to go off like a rocket like today!
A little bit of a grrrr day today, as I took mother to Frankie and Benny's and it was far from a relaxing lunch.

It is noisy in there at the best of times admittedly, but mother was in a foul temper before we even set off for lunch.
I had accidentally left my door keys still in the back door of my bungalow, so I used my spare one that I keep at hers to let myself back in while I left her in the car. I knew Oliver was visiting his father in the village so I wanted to check that they were actually there before he set off for his home, so if needed he could come round with his set and let me find them.

This was my first mistake leaving her unattended in the car, as I got the third degree when I got back in it just 10mins later. What was I doing for so long?
Second mistake was taking her to a busy restaurant.
Third was it was noisy, fourth the meal took too long and fifth was why did I look so glum?
Oo I don't know mother, lets take a stab in the dark shall we, maybe because of items 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5?
My mother is very canny, as she'll complain whilst using the third person. She'll make someone up who isn't actually there let alone sitting behind me, but knows I won't turn around to look at them. But she will say that THEY look fed up because item 2, 3, 4 and 5!
Instead of just cutting our losses and going home, she'll order coffee, even though she doesn't drink coffee and a pudding and then of course, she'll leave them saying that they're horrible, when they aren't, just that she can't eat anymore food.
So now my diet has flown out the window as I've just sat and ate her pudding because I couldn't face the waitress asking if there was a problem...grrrrr. But of course she'll leave them a tip and smile sweetly, saying it was a lovely lunch... err hello?
We went there as I have to take her somewhere where I don't have to walk too far or help her up steps, because I just can't do it anymore. The nurse at Papworth asked me how I cope with my mother when I need help myself and actually...I don't really know, I just do.

I'm now sitting here feeling guilty for looking glum in the restaurant.
I even went and hid in the cinema, but really enjoy the film that much because I had a headache brought on by guilt.
Next week, I'm going back to Maldon with a picnic whether it's six foot of snow or what!

Lots of love Debbie x