Aaah bum

Today was not a lot better I'm afraid. The flow of students was spaced out a wee bit better thankfully today and I was just spaced out!

Luckily I had the dentist first thing this morning, so at least I got to get another 30mins in bed which was bliss. As true to sod's law I was overtired last night after yesterdays nightmare and was hoovering at midnight just to try and finish me off so I could sleep. But hey the dentist says I have good oral hygiene and no fillings needed yet again, so I do have something going for me at last.

Of course all good things come to an end as my lovely Sadie wasn't over impressed with what I looked like today and how low my stats have been this past week. That's two weeks running that I've looked grim on a Wednesday. Last week I was a pumpkin head because of the allergy and this week I have rather large dark dents around my eyes. Strange how they have gone from two swollen slits to hollows as Sadie puts it. Plus I've got a headache that even I'm worried about now and I know it's because I'm just plain exhausted. So I'm afraid it's been spelt out in neon letters now, 'rest up time tomorrow,' which means landing poor old Sam in it, but she'll be out the office for a while to do the freshers fair so hopefully she'll get a breather.
I also showed Sadie my letter from the oxygen clinic along with another letter saying that they've brought my appointment forward again. Where I thought that my levels were better because they were higher, the actual numbers meant that my kidneys were suffering more than they should be. I thought that lugging that bloody oxygen unit around on my back all day and freezing my kidneys was bad enough and now they are suffering in other ways. Shit.

So tomorrow I am going to rest and rest and rest. And if I need to rest again on Friday, then I will rest then too. I am important and it's about time I realised that.

Lots of love Debbie x

Hands up

If I promise to be very good and not swear anymore, please let me have an easier day tomorrow otherwise I'll hold up my hands and surrender.
To start with this morning low stats yet again. Next no parking space so had to drive down to the next car park, heave the wheelchair out the boot and push that so I had something to lean on to get to my building and with my brolly balancing over my shoulder as of course it decided to drizzle.
Next on the list, send in non stop students and then make our computers crash, crash again and again and again. To add a bit of spice, make the appointments we made earlier disappear off the screen just to confuse us all.
Enough was enough. At the moment I am the poster girl for low esteem apart from the fact, I'm not good enough to go on the posters and I did a girl thing and cried. How stupid can I get. By the time our boss came back it was all quiet, Sam went home shattered and I was hollow.
Of course the creme de la creme was the fact I got in the lift to go home and realised my handbag was still on my desk in the office with my ID card in it so I couldn't get back upstairs, so more tears welling up.
My mother had given up waiting for me to make her dinner and put a frozen ready made meal in to cook herself after I rang her from the car where I was stuck in traffic. But when I did arrive she was struggling to cut the roast beef that was still icy cold in the middle. Oh lord now I'm going to give her food poisoning. I managed to stop her before she ate it and finished cooking it while I prepared her dessert and got her lunch ready for tomorrow and she gave me her shopping list for tomorrow, but lucky me, she said I did't have to get it tonight.
I'm tired, my nose is sore from wearing the nose specs for longer today and my head hurts. I am going to pour myself a large glass of wine and lie to the 'Docobo' when it asks did I drink when I got stressed today. It's nearly nine and my dinner is still cooking, so maybe I just say sod it and have two glasses of wine!

Lots of love Debbie x

Little girl, you've had a busy day

Monday morning is here again already; gawd where does the weekend go? Today the drive in was really misty and everywhere was dank, but pretty and it made a delightful ride in. At the moment I need as many temptations as possible to get me into work, so beautiful scenery really helps.

My face is back to normal apart from my left eye hurting still and my stats were low yet again and that I have learnt, means I'm knackered before I start. But I still managed the day at work, which was really busy yet again and I managed a hard session at rehab, followed by a quick shop, cook mother's meal and then a meal with my boys and the lovely Reni. so yeah I did well.
Mind you, I could have fell asleep in the bath so easily when getting ready. Thanks to doing mother's evening meal, I had limited time before meeting my sons at our local Turkish restaurant. If I can't get to Turkey, then a Turkish meal will have to suffice! Very nice though, we all came out well and truly stuffed.

Had an interesting chat with one of the chaps at rehab today, he's been waiting for over a year now for a transplant. That made my heart sink I must admit, if my stats are averaging at 85 now on 16hr oxygen, what the hell am I going to be like in a years time and he's not even on oxygen yet? I asked where abouts he was on the list, but he wasn't sure. God I have so many questions to ask him, but where do I start.
Well I am one knackered, but very bunny now, so off to bed as I can just about see straight and with a dodgy eye, that's quite tiring.

Lots of love Debbie x

Some Sunday's you win, some you don't

Brrrr woke up this morning and I think I must have slept through Autumn and gone straight to Winter, as it's cold, wet and horrible out there.
Tim came round before the rain really came down and gave my grass a trim for me. We sat afterwards, had coffee and talked about our children's lives. It's good that we can still be good friends, but I do miss his wisdom and it is sad that he is the only man that I have ever been myself with. Just a shame that he was fighting so many demons all the time and I had such a yearning to see and experience life and got restless.

I took mother out for lunch after she staggered over to mine 45mins earlier than we were due to go out, even though it was agreed yesterday that I would walk over and fetch her. Stagger is no word of a lie as her knees were very painful. This was the first outing on them in over two weeks and of course they were stiff and painful. She had muddled up the times again thinking that I had forgotten her. She was is in a grotty mood, complaining about my oxygen tubes on the floor and saying how she had lived too long, that she didn't have long left, so that then launched me into a moody too, so this didn't bode well for a jolly lunch!
The lunch started well, but then rapidly went down hill as I gave her a serviette to wipe the dressing off her fingers so it didn't go over her white jacket and she thought I was nagging her. Bad move on my part. Then she couldn't make up her mind what roast she wanted, so our plates were swapped backwards and forwards as she tried both the pork and the beef. She then decided we should have half of each others. Ok I could live with that, but then she couldn't make up her mind about the dessert so we had liqueur coffee instead. I thought it might mellow her on top of the brandy she had already drunk. Nah... It was turning into one of those lunches.
She looked like she wanted to sleep as she was tired after a bad nights sleep last night and got very snappy when I said to let go of the bill money that she was grasping onto it, so she could lever herself up to stand so I could help her get her coat on. That turned into world war three so perhaps getting her slighty, well not merry... wasn't such a good idea! It was rather like taking a naughty child out.
But going home, she smiled and said it was a lovely lunch and thank you for taking her out. All worth it.
By this time though I was shattered, but pleased that she had actually enjoyed it and glad that her memory is so bad now, that she couldn't remember me snarling at her to behave in the restaurant.
Having her hanging on to me while carrying my oxygen unit too, the jumping in and out of the car to get her more food shopping... she always needs something from the shops, but never eats it... all this does take it out of me and I don't think she still understands why I wear my oxygen.
But she is my mother and I love her and maybe next Sunday it will be a good day.

Lots of love Debbie x

Full moon fallout

Nearly back to my normal drop dead gorgeous self. Went back to work yesterday feeling naked and about ten years older with no mascara on, but I didn't think it would be a wise move to put a bit of slap on, as I still resembled an owl with the bridge of my nose still swollen.
The left eye is still giving me gyp, but I'll live. I'll go to the cinema tonight so I don't have to scare the punters.

Had my flu jab done first thing this morning and had to sit out in the waiting room for 15mins afterwards in case I blew up like the elephant man after Wednesday's fiasco and because the last time I had gentamicin it had peculiar effects on me. I am beginning to think that I am the eighth wonder of the world at this rate! The real strange effect I have after one of these occasions, is that I have a burning urge to buy new clothes! I wonder how much I have in my bank account???

Weather is really cooling down now, although it was beautiful and sunny first thing. But alas I think I might have left too late to get my sheets dried before the promised rain arrives as they are still going round in my slower than slow washing machine.
I had a card from my sister and brother-in-law today who are living in Portugal for three months. I would have loved to take them up on their invite and stay over there for a week, especially as my other sister and two nieces are flying off tomorrow. But as we know oxygen and air travel doesn't come cheap I'm afraid and after my one and only attempt, it's not good for my nerves either!
In fact everything seems to have gone a bit awry this week. We should have been going on our yearly pilgrimage to watch Burnham's torch light carnival, eats loads of shell food, have a drink and visit the funfair tonight. I do hope that the funfair ladies, who always give me loads of cuddly toys even though I'm crap at the sideshows, I hope they don't think I've snuffed it! But Lynn can't make it as she fell up her kitchen stairs and cut her leg really badly over a week ago and she has got to get better as she's off to Torquay next week for a walking holiday with a jacuzzi etc in their lodge, bless her. Ann is at a Scouts fun day thing again, Julie is having to work and I don't feel up to it really. I think this Thursday's full moon had a bit of a weird effect on us all!

So I'm going to mosey on down round the shops and if I happen to buy something, it's all for the greater good of my health!

Lots of love Debbie x

Anyone for a bag of 2nd hand walnuts?

Uggh yesterday was a day that will never go down as a red letter day, more like the day my head turned into a pumpkin!
Still not a hundred percent sure what went wrong yesterday, but after I had eaten my lunch, my left eye started hurting. I donned my dark glasses as I was off home to have my physio, but by the time I had got to Cressing, the vision in my eye had gone completely blurred and the actual eye had swollen up as if someone had just punched me. As I got nearer home, my right eye started closing up too, luckily I was nearly at mine so I was able to limp home and then I looked in the mirror... Oo dear dear me!
The left hand side of my face had also swollen up, so my new found jawline had totally disappeared again and it felt numb rather like I'd just had a Novocaine injection at the dentist.
I did not look a pretty sight. More worryingly my oxygen stats had dropped down to 84%.
Sadie turned up to give me my regular physio. She took one look at the new me and bundled me into her car and off we drove to the doctors. Of course that was shut. So we zoomed into the chemist and there they sorted me out. I was even talking more gooblygook than usual too. I normally talk crap as anyone who knows me will agree to, but today I even surpassed myself!
I called Julie after I had my physio and wailed down the phone at how awful I looked. Of course she did what every best friend did in this situation and that was speed round to my bungalow to take a photo and put it on her face book... bless her!

This morning when I woke up, my eyes were still very swollen, but a lot better than yesterday and at least I could get my glasses on over my swollen nose so I could drive to the doctors. Some eye drops later, I was sent off to hospital for blood tests. The doctor reckoned it could be where I'd been trying to diet and have been using chopped walnuts on my yoghut, plus on my salads each day for the last couple of weeks, but that was a long shot or I could have even got some nut dust or mouldy cheese in my eye... who knows!
I sat in the hospital waiting area with what seemed half of Braintree all waiting for blood tests too, listening to some young lady screaming her head off while she was having her blood test done and the rest of us feeling sorry for the poor soul who was in next. Ok it was probably the girl being a drama queen, but that screaming was going to unnerve the bloodtaker however good they are. Good news of having a head like a pumpkin though, is you get a seat all to yourself in a waiting room. A couple of people made their way over and then had a rethink and stood instead!

Apart from a headache now, two misshapen eyes and a numb face still, I hope to go back to work tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Lots of love Debbie x

Lost opportunities and lost presents

As it was World Peace day I decided no hissy fits for a whole 24hrs, although the twit who drove a horse box around Bulford Mill nearly made me swear out loud, but luckily for him not only was I making my day a no tantrum zone... but I was just too knackered to care.
And the RAC you are the best in the world... thank you Jez, you made Oliver and me two happy people and stopped both of us swearing.

Work was still full on for most of the day, but there was two rainbows for me. Firstly another visit from our cute new chaplain, who has managed to get most of us women on our best behaviour and smiling, something that is rare in our office at the moment. I think that is what our department needs and I know ALL the women's libbers out there will properly shun me, but no one wants to look like a harridan in front of a handsome chappie let alone a man of the cloth!

Secondly a lovely friend's birthday pressie to me has got lost in the post... hoorah! I know that sounds weird, but I have been feeling a bit awful as I felt that she was waiting for me to say I loved her present, especially after I said I loved her card. But I couldn't because I hadn't had one from her and that was most strange as she is a very sweet favourite young friend. I didn't want to ask her 'Here did you not buy me a pressie?' which I should have done in a jokey way, but that would have sounded awful too.
Of course it didn't help that I was off ill for my birthday and she was away on holiday for a couple of weeks, the I was off and then she was off and then it was full on at work with no chance to have a coffee on your own let alone together and the opportunity to drop it in the conversation was lost. We never manage to finish a sentence off nowadays and this will probably last for a couple of months yet. Even our conversations on our shared love for True Blood would get interrupted for goodness sake with work getting in the way.
In the end she asked me if she had upset either Sam or myself this week because we were distant bless her? So even though this had nothing to do with our lack of talking... that was just sheer stress, I did the next best thing, I asked another one of her friends to solve the riddle.
A lesson learnt here... make more time for people you care for. Oo the chaplain is rubbing off on me!
Mind you perhaps today wasn't the best day to ask when she was worried that we were distant this week... Honestly angel if you are reading this, it's because work is grim and tiring at the moment and we aren't getting chance to talk to anyone other than about work.

So peace reigns again in my mind.

Lots of love Debbie x