Action girl complete with trolley

After yesterday's disappointment, I did what any Essex girl would do when the going gets tough... and that's the tough go shopping so I started my Christmas shopping.
In fact I had an action packed day, well as much action as a girl can muster when using a 'go faster trolley' at the church Christmas bazaar and then followed up with a game of scrabble with my mother, although she did want to play for money!

My Saturday started by visiting a rather nice 'vintage' gift shop out in my old stomping ground, in the backwaters of Hatfield Peverel. I managed to purchase some unusual Christmas presents for various friends and then a spot of lunch in their quaint little cafe with the girls.
I then took them to see my old farm house where I was brought up from a baby to starting senior school. Although that was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and I was excited to show it to them, it was a bit sad thinking that the little skinny feral child, i.e... me...would have ever ended up as a raspberry ripple on oxygen. But I could never say that my life growing up was ever boring, as I was such an annoying child!
I was telling Julie and Natalie, how I was convinced that everyone in the neighbouring farms loved me when growing up and would regularly wander into their kitchens for a cup of tea when they least expected it!
I also used to plague our posh neighbour's farm manager by following him around non stop to teach me how to chew his tobacco and spit...a necessary for any young lady!

The afternoon was spent at the church Christmas bazaar in the village hall, eating scrummy homemade ginger cake and drinking coffee in the small hall where we used to hold our W.I meetings (second trip down memory lane for the day!)
There wasn't many bargains left to buy, which my fault as I thought it would be best to leave it half an hour after opening before trying to battle my way through the throng of happy shoppers with my 'go faster.' People tend to take it personally when you catch their ankles with the trolley wheels!
A lot of the crowds had gone by the time we arrived, but so had much of the produce as well. Still I brought some raffle tickets which won me two prizes, so all was not lost.
I love village community events, even if the homemade jam tastes of vinegar and the homemade pickled onions have gone soft, it still gives you a warm glow going home with your bargains.

The last event of my action packed day, was going to see the film 'Tower Heist' at the local cinema. If you fancy a good belly laugh, then I recommend that one, I thought it was hysterical. A excellent plot and a fab cast to tickle your fancy.
So although I didn't get the result I was hoping for yesterday, life goes on as business as usual and ok I am one shattered bunny as walking was tough going at times, but I did it with a smile on my face...well most of the time anyway!
Can I also add that I now have had over 6,000 people read my blog which is all very exciting. If you can please say hello to me as that would be fab too. It is amazing knowing that folks in U.S.A, India, Russia and many more wonderful places find my blog...which is my way of staying sane...interesting reading. So thank you for reading it xxx.

Lots of love Debbie x

Is there anyone out there?

Not a sausage, diddly squat, zilch or bugger all...I have heard nothing...yet again. Another Friday has passed me by without so much of a hello from the hospital.
Blimey O'Reilly, if the waiting to hear that you are now active is this nerve racking, how will my nerves stand up when I am active and waiting for a donor?
It keeps flashing up in my head, that the head consultant was going to make me wait until Dec and then be reassessed, so maybe he has changed his mind and I've got to wait a bit longer?
But surely they would have called me and told me if there had been a change of plans?
The trouble with me, is that I hang on to every word people say to me and if they so much as pause when saying something, then I analyze it within an inch of it's life.

Still I didn't sit by the phone all day waiting, but I went off to a wedding.
Although leaving my mobile phone in the car did actually put me through torture in case they called and couldn't get me, but I did tell the boys exactly where I was and how long I'd be off the air, so they would have told the coordinator. The fact that the bride was half an hour late arriving, did have me biting my fingernails wondering if my phone was ringing inside my car and would it be a faux pas to rush pass her in the aisle to check.
The wedding was very nice and my friend who was the mother of the bride, looked absolutely stunning in her silver grey.
It was very nice to meet all her sisters, who all look just like her and all very charming people. I should imagine that family gatherings are riotous affairs, as they all seem very bubbly ladies.
I always feel sad at weddings, knowing that I couldn't make mine work. We did give it a good try as we were married for 29years, but we were making each other very unhappy in the end and by cutting our loses then and me moving out to try it on my own, we were able to save our friendship in the end which we both value more than anything.
I realise how weird that sounds, but if we hadn't divorced, then we would have hated each other, so at least the years apart helped rebuild our friendship and we are still there to support each other now.

It's really quite chilly out there tonight and hang the consequences of rising gas prices, as the heating had to go on. I'm going to have to try and work out how I can have my oxygen concentrator on in the hallway without it affecting my heating thermostat which is also in the hallway. The concentrator throws out enough heat to confuse the thermostat and the heating keeps switching itself off. I will have to try and keep my concentrator in my bedroom, but then that makes the tubing awkward to move about with while attached, as then it's got two closed doors to work out how to get enough of a gap to thread it through. Either that or sit in the front room with my winter coat on.
I can't have the concentrator running in the frontroom, as it's like a puffy billy engine!
Oh problems, petty problems.
I do get quite jealous as my mother's bungalow is toasty and warm on 21 while mine is on 25 and still chilly...why?!
I'll sleep on it.

Lots of love Debbie x

I wonder, I wonder

Autumn has definitely arrived now as the leaves are really falling down off the trees, there is a definite change in the weather, it's getting so gloomy now.
But it is November with Bonfire night on Saturday and over the years, that could go either way. I've known it freezing cold while watching the fireworks wearing knitted hats, scarves, gloves and thick socks, then another year just a jumper would have done.
I don't think that I will be watching any fireworks close up for the obvious reasons of oxygen and sparks don't go together too well, but if there any around the village I could watch from the safety of my back garden. In fact last year, it was really mild when I sat on a garden chair in my back garden with a glass of wine, watching some amazing fireworks going off from the new housing estate across the field from mine.
All very civilised.

I drove Barbara over to the Tiptree Jam Factory this afternoon, so she could buy some Christmas presents and as I thought that maybe I should be thinking about Christmas too, so I actually brought some cute table treats and felt jolly pleased with myself. I also brought a rather sparkly dress ring for myself too...well it's a Christmas pressie for me from me!
I've never been an organised person and if I have brought presets early for other people rather than my boys, I've invariably misplaced them and then unearthed them again come Easter. I can remember one year when we were very strapped for cash, buying presents for the following Christmas dead cheap in the January sale and I don't think we ever did find those ones.
There were cogs whirring around in my brain though for present ideas as I was walking around the gift shop this afternoon...I must start writing lists.

I was a good girl and went to my WEA course tonight after missing it last week. But I have no idea what happened on the way to Greta's car from my bungalow, but my stats must have plummeted, as when we got into the hall I felt really spaced out. Greta said that my lips and chin had turned blue and my finger tips looked as if I had been rubbing them on a brand new pair of denims, as they were so blue too.
I do hope that this blip soon passes, as I was really enjoying the sensation of feeling nearly normal before going for my assessment. Ok not nearly normal obviously, how can I be normal with oxygen being pumped up my nostrils nearly 24hrs a day and bringing up nasties off my chest every time I cough, but I had the feeling that I wasn't as quite as useless as normal which was really nice.
I wondered once again, as I had tried so hard to get my fitness levels up, that maybe I had tried too hard and once the assessment was all over, that I had crashed and burned? Perhaps it's a good thing, because I do have a habit of forgetting what has gone before and now I'm beginning to remember how everything is such an effort just to try and be normal.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Will I hear anything from Papworth about going on the Friday Active list?
Who knows?

Lots of love Debbie x

Sunglasses and bobble hats

The last couple of nights have been colder thankfully, because ever since I changed from my summer duvet to my winter one, it had got unseasonably mild again at night.
Plus throw in some night sweats from this cold and it was the recipe for a week of uncomfortable nights sleep with arms and feet hanging out the bed and waking up looking more tired than when I went to bed.
This morning, I nearly looked human.

I went to Maldon again today, but not for a picnic...far from it, but for an appointment with the 'Slasher,' at St Pete's.
It was time to have my oxygen levels reviewed again. Luckily I have known them for years now and both her and her workmate are both totally off the wall.
One chats to you and the other sneaks up behind you and cuts your ear. The first time she did it, I was so outraged that she had did what I felt was like being attacked from the rear, that I swore very loudly supposedly under my breath at her! Strangely enough, we have remained really good friends as she is quite a fire cracker herself.
They have to take the blood from your ear, as it gives the best reading for seeing how much oxygen is travelling between the red blood cells...or something like that...basically to see how much oxygen you need to stop you from keeling over.
It is far less painful than having then the needle into your main artery in your wrist. Hell that one is a killer. That's the only time I cry when in hospital is when they take your blood that way, especially if you get a novice.
They can also see if you are retaining carbon dioxide in your blood, which can be dangerous if you are on oxygen. Oxygen is a medicine the same as other other treatment, get it wrong and it can be potentially lethal.
My levels have dropped slightly again, but I can still stay on 2litres of oxygen. Hopefully I'll stay about that level throughout winter, as I tend to go up again in the better weather. I know my breathing has been worse this last week, but I'm hoping it will sort it's self out again.

The conversation always reverts to sex with those two and they were teasing me mercilessly just as I was about to leave their office. I retorted that 'I wouldn't know, as I'm beginning to think I've turned into a virgin again as it's been so long since I've had sex, ha ha'.
Unfortunately I had the door just open enough and the waiting room was full of old folk, whose hearing was on top form. One lady and her husband tutted at me as I walked out into the waiting room and one of the other men actually winked at me!
OMIGOD thank goodness I had my dark glasses handy.

I'm wondering now are my swimming sessions over now until spring? Swimming definitely helps with my breathing and I have missed it the last couple of weeks, but the water is so cold at the pool. Ok, I heat up as I swim and I don't mean from weeing in the water either, but from my hard efforts of swimming. But that initial shock of getting in the pool, doesn't help my breathing either and isn't an inviting thought.
As soon as I get rid of this cold, I think I might try again before it gets too cold or try at another pool. Maybe at the health club nearby where you don't have to join, those pools are always warmer.
I don't want to give up, as I really enjoy the challenge and being alone with my thoughts, if the sunshine is shining through the windows, I can just about pretend I'm in a hot country swimming in their pool. But I can imagine my mother being horrified at the mere thought of me swimming in the cold weather. She's probably make me promise to wear a bobble hat in the water!
Could be done...

Lots of love Debbie x

Odd book ends

A day of two extremes again with an iffy bit in the middle.
Started off the morning with the ultimate of luxury... a massage. Although I have to be honest, not all my massages have been luxuries in the past, more like an infliction of torture being lavished on me!
Depending on what I needed the massage for i.e. a cricked neck or a trapped nerve in my thigh etc, I have in the past used the hole in the treatment bed where you are supposed to place your face, as a bit to bite down on as the pain of the massage has actually made me cry.
You big girl's blouse...I hear you cry!
Today, my masseur said that as she worked on my back, parts were very quickly red, which indicated that muscles were heavily knotted through trauma or stress. Just above my kidney on the left hand side, was a good example of the knotted muscles.
My oxygen unit gets very icy around where the oxygen is fed in and that part rests right on that spot. And damn that spot hurts, but she soon relaxed it and today it was a really relaxing massage.

The iffy bit was driving my car from the relaxing bit to the ouchy bit. Iffy, because strangely enough, I get car sickness in this courtesy car.
Have you ever heard of that, because I haven't?
I have felt sick plenty of times as a passenger, especially when a passenger in the back, but never when driving. You are usually too preoccupied with keeping away from other idiots on the road that put you in this position of needing a courtesy car in the first place!
This car however is a diesel and being an automatic, it rolls as it works it's way through the gears ,a bit like a boat riding a wave. I have to open the window as I drive, to stop me from wanting to vomit. Ooo roll on the 9th when I get mine back.

The ouchy bit of my day, was having my weekly pummelling at St Mikes's. Today it was a little different from usual, as Hannah couldn't get the head of the treatment bed down from an upright position, so me being an obliging patient and still fairly agile from years of yoga, I decided to help my poor stressed Hannah and lay on the bed with my legs concertinaed upwards against it.
Not the most restful position to be in and certainly gave me a head rush when I stood up again after I was drained and it was all finished.
Having cramp in my toes while in that position, wasn't the best of timings either, but made for plenty of giggles from Hannah and plenty of cussing from me.

I could never say my life is boring...weird yes, but boring no.

Lots of love Debbie x

Yay! Two sparkly stickers

A bit of a mixed bag today, which thankfully got slowly better as the day went on.
I had a text first thing from one of my friends who wanted me to turn on the TV and watch a programme called 'Helicopters Heroes'. There was a woman on the programme who was needing a lung transplant and the helicopter team had been sent out to get her to the hospital in time.
I switched on and watched feeling quite reassured that she wasn't throwing up from being air sick in the helicopter, but when they said that she had already had nine false starts on the way to the hospital and at the hospital from the organs either being not good enough or the organs being given away to someone else at the last moment, I was the one who felt sick.
How can I if it happens to me, put my sons through that anguish nine times?
Ok, we were warned that this could happen by the transplant team and it would be tough enough for me to bear it, but I am a believer that if it doesn't happen, then it's just not your turn. Blimey, they even warned us on the first day, that someone had actually been opened up once and then had to be stitched back up, because the organs weren't healthy enough in the end.
But it just wouldn't be fair to have my boys and Julie, drop everything in their lives to make the dash to the hospital that many times for nothing, after all it could threaten their jobs or they might have a make or break deal happening or something.
I have already told them that if they are doing something or have plans, then their lives must not put their lives on hold for me, but now I must sit down and tell them what I have just heard and somehow get them to agree.
It's hard, because I do want their beautiful faces to be the last thing I see when I go down to the operating theatre, but I think a phone will have to be enough now.
it's time to be realistic.

After that little shock and a lot of soul searching going on in my already mixed up head, the day went on and fortunately got better.
Tonight was Halloween, so Reni and I had made up some goody bags ready for the kiddies that Reni knew and had invited round. The first 'trick or treat' knock on the door was from a gorgeous little witch and I'm not sure what her brother was, as he was hiding behind her. I gaily gave them a bag full of sweets, little toys and a toffee apple, only to find out that they were a friend's children that we hadn't accounted for!
So after a bit of frantic juggling around with the sweets and toys in the remaining goody bags and raiding my cupboards to do a quick restock and we were up and running again with enough goodies for all. Phew... thank goodness for being on a diet and having lots of unwanted and forgotten yummy contraband hidden away in my cupboards. If things got really desperate and lots of unaccounted kiddies turning up, then they would have all gone home with pieces of friends holiday presents of Turkish Delight in their bags too!
As soon as the last ones arrived, I dashed off to 'tubby club' for my weekly weigh in and guess what? I've lost another 2.5lbs and received a fabulous boost, as I got 'slimmer of the month!' Yay!
I went home with two sparkly reward stickers, one for reaching (and passing my Club 10 target) and the second one which was extra sparkly, for slimmer of the month. Amazing how a sparkly sticker can have me smiling from ear to ear. Obviously I didn't get many gold stars as a child at school, especially as most of my teachers used to say on my school reports, that if I used my brain as much as I used my mouth, then I would be brilliant...Harsh me thinks!
Club 10, is the target that the club works out for you at the start of your slimming journey, as the weight you'll be after losing 10 per cent of your body weight. How fab is that!?

So a bad come a good day today, but I'm sure there will be plenty like that on this journey that I have signed up for. But I do know that when I unravel every now and again, my family and friends will be there to 'rah rah' me on...bless them.

Lots of love Debbie x

The chill out zone

Welcome to the chilling zone.
Day two of totally chilling out and only doing what is absolutely necessary, as I am determined to shift this cold before it evolves into something more sinister.
And I'm pleased to report, that this chilling lark seems to be working. Headaches are subsiding, my nose is less troublesome, I'm not coughing as much and although I'm still breathless, I'm feeling a little bit more easier about being this cautious rather than throwing caution to the wind and just getting on with things and then suffering.
I'd hate to start off being on the active list with a chest infection.

So today, I had a lie in...again. If I was still working, then this would have been my favourite day of the year...the day the clocks went back so I would get an extra hour in bed...I used to love it!
Next on my chilling agenda was to have a bath and wash my hair, as I looked like one of the extras at 'the Cursed' the other night. Reni popped over and cut it nice and short again for me too, so an extra bonus to feeling human again.
Later, I did wander over to my mother's bungalow to get a bit of fresh air inside me and to challenge her to our daily game of scrabble. I think playing that helps her memory and it helps breaks her day up too, after all the poor old girl never got to Maldon today for our weekly constitutional by the water.
Alas I am brandishing a sore index finger from writing out postcards for my competition entries, all sixty of them...gosh I better win something don't you think!?
It has been ages since I've won anything, but I have won some really nice prizes in the past and I know it sounds corny, but if I get this transplant, well that will be the best prize ever.
This afternoon I sat and watched a lot of the TV programmes that I had recorded over the last week and one of them was Joanna Lumley's tour of Greece.
It was lovely looking at all the beautiful scenery, but to be honest I was looking more at her dress sense, as if I am to have the transplant then I'm not allowed to sunbathe afterwards, as one of the drugs can accelerate skin cancer. So factor 60 the whole way is for me the future and she always looks stunning in her floaty clothes ad I've always rather admired her look.
Perhaps I should wander around calling everyone darling and flirting outrageously...Ooo I do that already!

So all in all, a good day. Tomorrow I can be released out into the wild again.

Lots of love Debbie x