Yay... It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want too

Yay my birthday today... In your face pneumonia, bronchiectasis, pseudomonas and any other crap you want to throw at me, it takes a hell of a lot more to keep this mumma down!

Ok Debbie say it enough times and maybe you'll believe it. I've had a lovely day so why did I end up crying three times? I know people like me as I had 43 cards (sorry Oliver for counting them again!) and lots of lovely presents that prove it, so why do I feel so utterly worthless?
I spent a lovely couple of hours at East Mersea for Becky and Ben's party and they presented me with a surprise birthday cake which was very sweet of them. Derek and the gang pushed me over rough grass and back so I could go down to the waters edge and everyone of them needed my oxygen at the end of it.
I even went to my nieces party for a couple of hours tonight to wish her happy 40th and everyone there was lovely and warm to me, well bar one family member but that's another story.

So why do I keep crying? Ok one session was simple because of the above, but the other twice I just feel as if I'm on ever shifting sand and I'm losing control of my life. For a control freak that's not good. Work doesn't help with all this change thats going on. The latest now is we're not allowed holidays in Sept which we've always done before the students come back. That was my main goal to get back to Turkey with my lovely group of friends who I've always gone on holiday in Sept with and now that goal is being stomped on. At last I have found a way of flying and now I can't get insurance for holidaying there even if work would let me go, so two barriers not just one. Then there is this frigging away day for work that scares me. Yes scares me. I'm not me being a prima donna by not wanting to go, but they actually worry the life out of me now, as I am out of my comfort zone and my comfort zone is very important to me. Nothing is straight forward anymore and just when you feel safe, you feel like you are in an egg timer that someone has come along and turned so everything is shifting again.

Have you ever felt that you just want to pack up and move millions of miles away and start again with a new identity? Well that's how I feel, but why I have no idea what good that would do me, as when I wake up in the morning I'll still be me and still be angry with life.
I guess that is the crux of the matter, I am angry at life, angry because I need to feel safe and I don't at the moment. And it's my birthday and everything should be perfect on my birthday and it isn't and never will be. And I hate being this fucking cry baby wimp.

Thank you for my presents and cards, but most of all thank you for liking me and some of you for even loving me and tomorrow I'll try and grow up I promise. As Scarlet O'Hara says 'Tomorrow is another day!'

Lots of love Debbie x