Gosh waking up is such an adventure just lately! I'm always grateful that I wake up obliviously, but yesterday it was with a stonking headache and today's ailment is ringing in the left ear. The exciting explanation would be that I had slept walked into a nightclub, but I think the bottom line is that I was so tired that I slept like the dead on one side of my head all ight and maybe my ear, gawd forbid, or that both my ears are a wee bit on the waxy side?
Actually the drive into work was beautiful ringing ears or not. It has warmed up a lot since Sunday and was lovely, sunny and bright. Chris Evans was talking about an Indian Summer on the radio this morning and I think he could be right. Made it easier reading the text from Julie in Turkey. If it had been peeing down with rain again, it would have been road rage the whole way, but instead I just reminisced the whole journey in and it made me smile the whole time.
I was telling my sister over lunch yesterday when I fell in love with the country. I explained how Julie and myself had gone to a midnight BBQ at the 'Blue Lagoon' with two other couples, who we remained friends for years afterwards until we just lost contact. We laid back floating in the lagoon where the water was so dark that you couldn't see where the sky ended and the water began and all the dark was speckled with stars rather like being in an infinity mirror. The waiters from the hotel actually waded out into the water with our drinks on trays and served them as we floated. We all went skinny dipping, even Julie and after we ate on the beach (fully dressed!) we danced the night away. I even tried pole dancing on one of the beach umbrellas, but I got over zealous and nearly knocked myself out when I hit the concrete base with a wallop! It was a truly magical evening, well apart from the bump on the head!
I WILL go back and that I promise.
Lots of love Debbie x
About Me
- Me...Debbie Burden... or known as Burders
- I'll be 55 this August... I've had bronchiectasis for ten years plus this year... End stage lung disease for the past year...been on oxygen for three years... and have I got used to it yet?... nah! I am now waiting for the biggie; a double lung and maybe a heart transplant. I love my life weirdly enough, because I have some wonderful family and friends who are with me every step of the way on my adventures, even though I embarrass them on a daily basis with my unorthodox way of looking at life. Not for the faint hearted!
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Monday, 30 August 2010
Oh no you're not!
I woke up with a stonking headache this morning and honestly no alcohol had passed my lips last night, but the tube had fell off my oxygen concentrator instead so I was sleeping solo all night.
I know I can sleep without it if I have to, but usually I wake myself up through the night, so I don't go off too deeply. I must have slept in a pretty disturbed state though as the duvet was really tangled up when I woke up.
Had a hot bath to see if that would clear my head and to see if the blue fingers were from the lack of oxygen or the fact that I wasn't covered up properly throughout the night. The verdict came in... It was the lack of oxygen as my fingers were still blue even in the hot bath and gawd I had lovely dark rings around my eyes to match.
I phoned mother up so we didn't have a re-run of yesterday, to remind her again that I would collect her from her bungalow at 12.45 to 1.00pe not to come to mind, but she was really confused saying that my sister Bebe was taking her to my sister Helen's for lunch at 12.45 not me. When I stated that it had been me last night that had told her that, she started shouting that she knew who had told her and I should ring my sister if I didn't believe her. Oh blimey an angry confused mum.
Ok the last time my eldest sister had taken mother anywhere was at the beginning of the year and that was to the doctors! I called Helen to double check if she had invited Bebe to lunch too and was told no, so I was right. Gosh the old girl had me doubting myself now. I called in at mother's about 11.30am as I wanted to see Julie before her and Derek left for Turkey and I wanted to make sure she knew not to come over to mine again. Mother was in the bathroom fully dressed and was in a twis was putting on her make-up as Bebe would be there any moment. To say she was quite hostile was an understatement when I said it was me taking her and that Bebe wasn't going, but in the end I said I would just come over later.
When I did go over later and she had forgotten all about Bebe and was is in a lovely mood ready to go.
We did have a lovely lunch and Helen showed us where she would be staying for the next two months in Portugal. I wished again that I could take up her invite and stay for a couple of weeks, but if I could stay anywhere, it would be Turkey to be perfectly honest. I do worry that I will never get back there again, but it's that hope that keeps me going. Julie has promised me some new Turkish cushion covers for my birthday, so that will bring a little bit of Turkey into my bungalow even if I can't get there this year.
Lots of love Debbie x
I know I can sleep without it if I have to, but usually I wake myself up through the night, so I don't go off too deeply. I must have slept in a pretty disturbed state though as the duvet was really tangled up when I woke up.
Had a hot bath to see if that would clear my head and to see if the blue fingers were from the lack of oxygen or the fact that I wasn't covered up properly throughout the night. The verdict came in... It was the lack of oxygen as my fingers were still blue even in the hot bath and gawd I had lovely dark rings around my eyes to match.
I phoned mother up so we didn't have a re-run of yesterday, to remind her again that I would collect her from her bungalow at 12.45 to 1.00pe not to come to mind, but she was really confused saying that my sister Bebe was taking her to my sister Helen's for lunch at 12.45 not me. When I stated that it had been me last night that had told her that, she started shouting that she knew who had told her and I should ring my sister if I didn't believe her. Oh blimey an angry confused mum.
Ok the last time my eldest sister had taken mother anywhere was at the beginning of the year and that was to the doctors! I called Helen to double check if she had invited Bebe to lunch too and was told no, so I was right. Gosh the old girl had me doubting myself now. I called in at mother's about 11.30am as I wanted to see Julie before her and Derek left for Turkey and I wanted to make sure she knew not to come over to mine again. Mother was in the bathroom fully dressed and was in a twis was putting on her make-up as Bebe would be there any moment. To say she was quite hostile was an understatement when I said it was me taking her and that Bebe wasn't going, but in the end I said I would just come over later.
When I did go over later and she had forgotten all about Bebe and was is in a lovely mood ready to go.
We did have a lovely lunch and Helen showed us where she would be staying for the next two months in Portugal. I wished again that I could take up her invite and stay for a couple of weeks, but if I could stay anywhere, it would be Turkey to be perfectly honest. I do worry that I will never get back there again, but it's that hope that keeps me going. Julie has promised me some new Turkish cushion covers for my birthday, so that will bring a little bit of Turkey into my bungalow even if I can't get there this year.
Lots of love Debbie x
Sunday, 29 August 2010
A relaxing lunch date... not
I am a tired bunny. Stayed up far too late watching the Bee Gee throw back and Rachel Welch in the old film called One Billion Years BC. It was addictive watching as I couldn't stop giggling at it, with her perfectly made up eyes and their coiffured hair. The nice thing was it was shot in Lanzarote's National Park and that brought back warm memories of earlier this year when we went on our cruise. I think I should have recorded it and reminisced today, as I was quite grumpy come lunchtime when I took my mother out.
I don't think it helped when mother turned up an hour early on my doorstep after I just reminded her about 30 minutes previously on the phone that I would come and collect her to save her walking. I was still ironing at that point and no where near ready in my housework clothes with no make-up on. She was in a bad mood too stating she was hungry and where I was feeling tired, all the signs weren't pointing to a relaxing lunch date.
The food was lovely, but the service was a bit on the slow side this week. I tried to put her off of having a sweet too as she had an upset tummy Friday night and I didn't want her to overload it as she had only eaten crackers yesterday. Listen to me? No chance. She ordered even by my standards a very sickly chocolate mousse which took ages to come and then she didn't eat more than two mouth fulls.
She kept talking about a rather obese man on the next table to us in her 'if I talk loudly out the side of my mouth, people will think I'm whispering' voice and I nearly died of embarrassment, when he stood near her to let another diner go by and she said that she hoped he 'didn't blow off in her face' in her loud whispering voice! Oh dear gawd, let the ground open up and swallow me. And to make matters worse it peed down with rain and I had left my washing out on the line.
I am worried about my eldest son too. I can't say why, but I can say if ever I wanted to cuddle him, it was now. Between your children and your parents it's enough to make you grey. Still tonight I will go to bed early as it's really windy outside and it's on the chilly side too, plus an added insult there is bog all on TV. Bank holiday?... whoopie flaming do!
Lots of love Debbie x
I don't think it helped when mother turned up an hour early on my doorstep after I just reminded her about 30 minutes previously on the phone that I would come and collect her to save her walking. I was still ironing at that point and no where near ready in my housework clothes with no make-up on. She was in a bad mood too stating she was hungry and where I was feeling tired, all the signs weren't pointing to a relaxing lunch date.
The food was lovely, but the service was a bit on the slow side this week. I tried to put her off of having a sweet too as she had an upset tummy Friday night and I didn't want her to overload it as she had only eaten crackers yesterday. Listen to me? No chance. She ordered even by my standards a very sickly chocolate mousse which took ages to come and then she didn't eat more than two mouth fulls.
She kept talking about a rather obese man on the next table to us in her 'if I talk loudly out the side of my mouth, people will think I'm whispering' voice and I nearly died of embarrassment, when he stood near her to let another diner go by and she said that she hoped he 'didn't blow off in her face' in her loud whispering voice! Oh dear gawd, let the ground open up and swallow me. And to make matters worse it peed down with rain and I had left my washing out on the line.
I am worried about my eldest son too. I can't say why, but I can say if ever I wanted to cuddle him, it was now. Between your children and your parents it's enough to make you grey. Still tonight I will go to bed early as it's really windy outside and it's on the chilly side too, plus an added insult there is bog all on TV. Bank holiday?... whoopie flaming do!
Lots of love Debbie x
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Bank Holiday... in the rain
Ok something is wrong here. Have I been asleep longer than I thought or what? I know I am really tired all the time, but did I go to sleep in August and wake up in November, because my nose was ice cold when I woke up his morning. What is going on with the weather for goodness sake... Oo I know, it's the start of the Bank holiday of course!
When I eventually got out of bed I found a cricket stuck in my mozzie net again. Not sure if it's the same one as last time, but if it has a leg missing then yes it is. Long story and I didn't mean it to happen. Went into the kitchen to get a cuppa and there was a dozy wasp laying on the kitchen floor, I guess it was dozy because it was chilly in the kitchen as well as in my bedroom, who knows.
Then back into my bedroom with my morning cuppa only to see one of those really long spindly legged spiders on my pillow, which only confirms that I probably did swallow one the other night in my sleep! God if I wanted to sleep with the critters I would have gone to Colchester zoo to the creepy crawly house, at least it would have been warmer in there.
By the time I had got my act together and set off to get my new glasses sorted, it had warmed up and the sun had come out temporary. Even though the young girl at the opticians must have drawn the short straw to deal with me, she was really pleasant and fiddled about with them, measuring where the lens in the new ones to see where they start varying and in my old ones to see what the difference was. Actually they did seem better with the minor adjustments. It wasn't anywhere near as blurry looking about. She reckoned both pairs were sitting wrong and one pair were sitting quite noticeably one side higher than the other. No doubt my ears are probably not evenly matched. As Ann said everything is going South on me now, so probably one of my ears is following suit! As I didn't bang into any display cabinets or fall over imaginary curves in the floor as I walked about, we agreed that I would give them another trial for another week and see how it goes.
Whether it is the glasses playing tricks or what I don't know, but I'm sitting here watching an old film on tv, Billion Years BC I think. There is a chap in it that looks like one of the BeeGees in a bearskin rug, who in an attempt to walk like a macho cave man is waddling more than swaggering like a telly tubby. Every now and again they fight a super imposed garden animal or domestic pet with pointy sticks, but they are normally pointing their sticks the wrong way. I recognise Rachel Welch as she was extremely fit when this film was shot in her cute rabbit skin bikini and her big back combed hair which has been sprayed within an inch of it's life!
Other than that, day has been fairly straight forward. Fingers turned blue a couple of times, had real trouble breathing and staying awake at one point in the day and felt quite nauseous, so all in all a normal day!
Lots of love Debbie x
When I eventually got out of bed I found a cricket stuck in my mozzie net again. Not sure if it's the same one as last time, but if it has a leg missing then yes it is. Long story and I didn't mean it to happen. Went into the kitchen to get a cuppa and there was a dozy wasp laying on the kitchen floor, I guess it was dozy because it was chilly in the kitchen as well as in my bedroom, who knows.
Then back into my bedroom with my morning cuppa only to see one of those really long spindly legged spiders on my pillow, which only confirms that I probably did swallow one the other night in my sleep! God if I wanted to sleep with the critters I would have gone to Colchester zoo to the creepy crawly house, at least it would have been warmer in there.
By the time I had got my act together and set off to get my new glasses sorted, it had warmed up and the sun had come out temporary. Even though the young girl at the opticians must have drawn the short straw to deal with me, she was really pleasant and fiddled about with them, measuring where the lens in the new ones to see where they start varying and in my old ones to see what the difference was. Actually they did seem better with the minor adjustments. It wasn't anywhere near as blurry looking about. She reckoned both pairs were sitting wrong and one pair were sitting quite noticeably one side higher than the other. No doubt my ears are probably not evenly matched. As Ann said everything is going South on me now, so probably one of my ears is following suit! As I didn't bang into any display cabinets or fall over imaginary curves in the floor as I walked about, we agreed that I would give them another trial for another week and see how it goes.
Whether it is the glasses playing tricks or what I don't know, but I'm sitting here watching an old film on tv, Billion Years BC I think. There is a chap in it that looks like one of the BeeGees in a bearskin rug, who in an attempt to walk like a macho cave man is waddling more than swaggering like a telly tubby. Every now and again they fight a super imposed garden animal or domestic pet with pointy sticks, but they are normally pointing their sticks the wrong way. I recognise Rachel Welch as she was extremely fit when this film was shot in her cute rabbit skin bikini and her big back combed hair which has been sprayed within an inch of it's life!
Other than that, day has been fairly straight forward. Fingers turned blue a couple of times, had real trouble breathing and staying awake at one point in the day and felt quite nauseous, so all in all a normal day!
Lots of love Debbie x
Friday, 27 August 2010
Open both doors please... wide load coming through!
I must not lose my temper, I must not lose my temper, I must not lose my temper. This is my mantra for the rest of the year even though I am a fat bloater at the moment and if that isn't enough to make you throw a strop than I don't know what is!
I have a sneaky feeling that come Monday when I know Julie is flying off to Turkey, I will be just like Kevin the Teenager stomping up and down the corridor at work... Ooo I feel sorry for those girlies for the next fortnight until she comes home.
I brought a diet mag on the way home from work, but I don't think reading the articles while eating an ice cream is really showing commitment some how. But I'll wait till payday and then throw myself into it and lose my articulated lorry size spare tyre. I really have to do something asap as I'm getting more and more like my mother's body shape every year, which is fine if you are her age, but she's nearly 93 god damn it!
I don't even think Gok Wan's scaffolding BIG pants will keep this wobble under control. Lord what happens if I am pregnant. The last time I had sex was November which is.. 6, 7 ,8.. 9 months ago! Oh hell this could all be very, very wrong! Maybe I should buy a tester kit tomorrow and a pair of concrete shoes????
Lots of love Debbie x
I have a sneaky feeling that come Monday when I know Julie is flying off to Turkey, I will be just like Kevin the Teenager stomping up and down the corridor at work... Ooo I feel sorry for those girlies for the next fortnight until she comes home.
I brought a diet mag on the way home from work, but I don't think reading the articles while eating an ice cream is really showing commitment some how. But I'll wait till payday and then throw myself into it and lose my articulated lorry size spare tyre. I really have to do something asap as I'm getting more and more like my mother's body shape every year, which is fine if you are her age, but she's nearly 93 god damn it!
I don't even think Gok Wan's scaffolding BIG pants will keep this wobble under control. Lord what happens if I am pregnant. The last time I had sex was November which is.. 6, 7 ,8.. 9 months ago! Oh hell this could all be very, very wrong! Maybe I should buy a tester kit tomorrow and a pair of concrete shoes????
Lots of love Debbie x
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Pep talk time
Ugh... I returned back to work today and somehow work hasn't returned back to me. I fell straight back into the swing of things ok, after all I was only off two weeks no longer than a holiday, but the place just didn't fill me with the normal buzz that I get when I go into work. Perhaps it was because Sam was still on leave, I don't know or maybe my heart just isn't in it anymore. I think that is probably more like it. There have been too many changes in my life just lately and the ones at work are maybe one too many.
I sat and chatted to Kevin who was acting as my runner this afternoon in Sam's absence. He has had a kidney transplant. I told him that I was fed up of being angry and a nag when I spoke, moaning about this, that and the other. And how I had promised myself that I wasn't going to be that person anymore or at least to try and make great strides at attempting not to be. I laughed and said my anger management wasn't working as today as soon as I the lift doors opened into my office, my calm left me and went off back downstairs in the lift!
Kevin very sweetly said that I didn't need anger management as I knew exactly why I was angry and I had every right to be. If people can't deal with it, then tough. And actually he is right. It's bad enough that I have got this disease, and bad enough that one day the very essence of me is going to be taken away from me and I will have someone else's essence inside me instead, but I have to deal with stops and starts too. To worry that I might upset someone by saying the truth that maybe, they are to blame themselves for a lot of their problems or their driving does leave a lot to be desired, is down to them not me! Why should I worry that I might upset them by saying the truth. A lot to think about. Obliviously best not to be as blatant as that, just got to find that happy medium I guess.
What is it they say? Be happy with what you can change and don't stress about what you can't. Or something like that.
Tomorrow is another day and I know I say that most days, but they can't all be crap ones! For the moment I do still see the best in a situation and the best in people, even if they do make it hard sometimes and I don't want that to slip away from me. I know I am brash most of the time, but there is still the childish naivety that things will be alright.
Lots of love Debbie x
I sat and chatted to Kevin who was acting as my runner this afternoon in Sam's absence. He has had a kidney transplant. I told him that I was fed up of being angry and a nag when I spoke, moaning about this, that and the other. And how I had promised myself that I wasn't going to be that person anymore or at least to try and make great strides at attempting not to be. I laughed and said my anger management wasn't working as today as soon as I the lift doors opened into my office, my calm left me and went off back downstairs in the lift!
Kevin very sweetly said that I didn't need anger management as I knew exactly why I was angry and I had every right to be. If people can't deal with it, then tough. And actually he is right. It's bad enough that I have got this disease, and bad enough that one day the very essence of me is going to be taken away from me and I will have someone else's essence inside me instead, but I have to deal with stops and starts too. To worry that I might upset someone by saying the truth that maybe, they are to blame themselves for a lot of their problems or their driving does leave a lot to be desired, is down to them not me! Why should I worry that I might upset them by saying the truth. A lot to think about. Obliviously best not to be as blatant as that, just got to find that happy medium I guess.
What is it they say? Be happy with what you can change and don't stress about what you can't. Or something like that.
Tomorrow is another day and I know I say that most days, but they can't all be crap ones! For the moment I do still see the best in a situation and the best in people, even if they do make it hard sometimes and I don't want that to slip away from me. I know I am brash most of the time, but there is still the childish naivety that things will be alright.
Lots of love Debbie x
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
They seek him here, they seek him there...
Day 2 of waiting for the garage to come and swap over cars and day 2 of being disappointed. After my day of being a domestic goddess yesterday I have run out of jobs to do now.
Walked over to mother's this morning to see if I could anything there. Obviously there is plenty, but mother won't let you throw anything away without a fight and I don't actually have the strength to argue with her at the moment.
She is very depressed and I can understand why, as being on your own all the time doesn't help any one's mood. Maybe I should have tried more to gently persuade her to move into shelter accommodation when my brother and sister thought she should move. But at the time she was so anti going because at that point she was coping pretty well on her own and she couldn't face the upheaval of moving. She got very anxious about what furniture would have to go and what she could take, and that was making her fearful. I don't think I have done her any kindness by not pushing her now as she is so lonely, but the worry was making her ill too.
Went and had my hair cut ready for my return to work tomorrow. Reni my daughter in law who normally cuts my hair is working so hard again that I didn't it fair to ask her on her day off. Actually this hairdresser actually cut it really well which gave me a boost. The hair dressers was opposite the sheltered accommodation that my sister wanted mum to go into, so I started worrying about mother all over again. I had rung the council before I went out to the hairdressers to see if they had a handy man service to do her garden at least to cheer her up, but no luck. I'll keep on looking, there must be some one out there who is reliable????
Had my physio this afternoon with Vera the Destroyer. She is a bit concerned that I'm still running hot. Hoping that maybe it is just the pneumonia kick starting my hot flushes again, but there again they were no picnic, so maybe I'd rather have the pneumonia instead! Mind you I'm as bad tempered with or without the menopause, so it's hard to tell what I'm suffering from!
Oh well earlyish to bed tonight so I'll be fresh faced for work tomorrow. Can't say I'm really looking forward to it I'm afraid, I just hope the black cloud that was looming over the workplace has left when I get back there.
Lots of love Debbie x
Walked over to mother's this morning to see if I could anything there. Obviously there is plenty, but mother won't let you throw anything away without a fight and I don't actually have the strength to argue with her at the moment.
She is very depressed and I can understand why, as being on your own all the time doesn't help any one's mood. Maybe I should have tried more to gently persuade her to move into shelter accommodation when my brother and sister thought she should move. But at the time she was so anti going because at that point she was coping pretty well on her own and she couldn't face the upheaval of moving. She got very anxious about what furniture would have to go and what she could take, and that was making her fearful. I don't think I have done her any kindness by not pushing her now as she is so lonely, but the worry was making her ill too.
Went and had my hair cut ready for my return to work tomorrow. Reni my daughter in law who normally cuts my hair is working so hard again that I didn't it fair to ask her on her day off. Actually this hairdresser actually cut it really well which gave me a boost. The hair dressers was opposite the sheltered accommodation that my sister wanted mum to go into, so I started worrying about mother all over again. I had rung the council before I went out to the hairdressers to see if they had a handy man service to do her garden at least to cheer her up, but no luck. I'll keep on looking, there must be some one out there who is reliable????
Had my physio this afternoon with Vera the Destroyer. She is a bit concerned that I'm still running hot. Hoping that maybe it is just the pneumonia kick starting my hot flushes again, but there again they were no picnic, so maybe I'd rather have the pneumonia instead! Mind you I'm as bad tempered with or without the menopause, so it's hard to tell what I'm suffering from!
Oh well earlyish to bed tonight so I'll be fresh faced for work tomorrow. Can't say I'm really looking forward to it I'm afraid, I just hope the black cloud that was looming over the workplace has left when I get back there.
Lots of love Debbie x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)