All packed and ready to go

Hoorah I have finished packing, sent my mother packing too, finished the bottle of wine in my fridge and I can't think of anything else that I have forgotten. Luckily a much needed friend popped in and asked, 'do you really need that many pairs of trousers?'
If ever I need a holiday, it's after a day of packing.

You would have thought that unopened oxygen cylinders would have oxygen in them... nah two were still sealed, but empty... panic. I now have only five to take with me now, so I shall be doing a lot of sitting down. Me thinks a telling off is in order to a certain company when I get back home!

Mother, bless her came an hour an half early and stayed for four an half hours. When I finally said good bye, I just couldn't have felt worse if I had just shot a puppy! When someone is 92 years old, you always have that fear as you walk away that it could be the last time I see them. Please mother don't move any furniture around, wear your alarm at all times and be careful.

So off to bed as the keys are beginning to muddle.

Lots of love Debbie x

Goldilocks and the three suitcases

I am so tired, but have only just put my washing on and it's 11.25pm. Had the girls around, Lynn for a meal. Julie and Ann came later on their way home from work and darts.
Everyone looked fraught as everyone really should have been packing ready for our holiday.

I feel like Goldilocks and the three suitcases at the moment. 1st suitcase (my sisters) too small, 2nd suitcase(mine)too big and the 3rd suitcase(Oliver's)just right... I think. So proof is in the packing.
Will pack tomorrow as in far too much of a panic mode to do any packing now.
Ann is panicking because she has it get the dog to kennels first thing Sunday morning and I'm sure I can remember Julie telling her the time of pick up last week. Julie is annoyed that Ann forgot as her foot starting tapping in the air... always a bad sign!
I've got mother in a 'don't you worry about me, but I don't know what I'll do without you' mood. And I've still got to sit with her when she has her nails done, go shopping, pack all my gear and cook a meal for her tomorrow night.

And I scared a student to top it all. I was on my own with what seemed a million students all in anger mode, but I was with one who couldn't remember what form she had sent off for extra funds. I showed her the forms that we have and no, none of them, in fact she didn't actually get it from here or hand it in here, but I worked for the University so why didn't I know which form it was. Did you write down the name of the form or keep a copy of it, I asked... No. Did you send it by email.. 'can't remember'. Was it a bursary form I asked hopefully... 'I don't know' she replied.
At that moment someone rang the bell on my desk even though I was standing next to the desk at the time.
'Who rang my bell?' I bellowed. My son who was standing there behind the student was in fits as he reckoned that I sounded just like I did when he was a child with 'Who threw that?'.
This poor student very gingerly put her hand up and squeaked 'I'm sorry, it was me'

Please some one pack my suitcase for me. And let me on the ship now... I'll be good I promise.

Lots of love Debbie x

Velco nighties and knickers

Holy buggery, having physio on a recovering sore throat is not fun and certainly not fair. Just when you think it's safe to be noisy again, along comes Hannah 2 and it's cheese grater to the throat again!

Still the new Community hospital at Braintree is pretty impressive. Very space station and spacious. Not over impressed with the chairs in our waiting room though... sorry. Very funky and modern, but not overly comfortable. Really wished I was wearing a turban as resting your head on a wall isn't that comfortable. I like the ones that are designed for the larger sized people in St Michaels, where your feet dangle as in Alice in Wonderland and you have somewhere to rest your head.
The ones in our waiting room look a bit like the ones in the foyer of our building at work and the students have nicknamed them, the vagina lip chairs!
I do a lot of waiting.

Treated myself afterwards to new knickers and a cotton nightie. No not glamorous I admit, but when the ship in heavy rocking mode due to rough waters, I do not want to be sliding up and down the bed again thanks to a glamorous satin nightie... I'd be better off covered in velco!

Only two more full days of panicking now till I shut that door and off I go... And I've only sang 'All the nice girls like a sailor' about twenty times today.

Lots of love Debbie x

Hi ho back to work we go

Hoorah... I went to work today and didn't electrocute myself. Why? Because I didn't fall asleep on my desk so my puddle of dribble didn't flow into my computer.

I did have a 10min nap at lunchtime which helped me get through the rest of a very busy day, especially as Sam and myself were under fire from extremely vocal students at one point who all wanted to talk at the same time and all had an axe to grind. Strange how we are the department that helps to sort out the problems and we get all the grief. Ah well, my shoulders are big and I do have a killer stare!

Had to have another back to work interview, which was good as I had chance to air some of my worries about my pre-op days namely having time off for the cardio angiogram and what happens if I get the call that I have a organ mid conversation with a student. Daft worries, but worries none the less.
I had to email my big boss to ask her advice and half way through the email, I realised I couldn't spell angiogram and had spelt it as a cardio anagram! Had to 'phone a friend' to get the correct spelling, namely the Learning Support team as I couldn't find it in any dictionary! Mind you I've probably spelt it wrong again, as it has been about 11hrs since first writing it... so apologises Sue if I have it wrong yet again.
Maybe I should ask for another brain too!

Good news on the 'Ash front'. The planes are flying again, which means that we won't find stowaways in our cabin on the way home from our holiday. But if there is one and he is an Eddie Izzard look a like... well then he's my souvenir so back off all!

Lots of love Debbie x

I have clothes!

Feeling better... Managed to sleep better, although did wake up a few times through the night in a tangle with my O2 tubes.

Weird how you can still feel it around your neck for a good hour after taking it off. I can remember the first time I slept with oxygen in hospital and for ages after my discharge, I could still feel the tubes under my chin and round my neck even though they were left still firmly attached to the hospital ward.

Thought to keep me from dozing on the sofa, I'd do all my ironing today. As I washed all my summer whites that were hibernating in a suitcase under my bed at the weekend, I had enough to get me through 'Good Morning' and 'Loose Women'. So I have now gone from panicking that I had no summer clothes to summer clothes bulging out my little wardrobe! Ok, I have picked up a few new things on the way even though I said I wouldn't, but hey you can't go on holiday without something new can you and new knickers don't really cut it on the holiday clothes front!

Still got a dry cough and producing; well all things horrible. So back to work tomorrow. I'll probably nose dive on my desk come lunchtime and people will find me by my snores in a pool of dribble.
I wonder if they will mind if I go to work in my pjs as I'm scared to wear anything decent just in case I need it for my holiday. God I hate the lead up to packing.

Now have another worry. Been watching the news and holiday makers are now been stranded abroad thanks to the Iceland volcanic ash. What happens if they storm our cruise liner while we are all off on an excursion? There could be mutiny on the 'Independence of the Seas' and they could sail off with all my clean whites!

lots of love Debbie x

Purple and Red

Day two of being a failed sword swallower. My throat is still sore and I can still fall asleep at a drop of a hat.
When I woke up this morning didn't feel too bad until I had a coughing fit. The kind of dry cough that sounds like a dog trying to bark with a sore throat and that really roughed up my throat.

Started feeling a bit better by afternoon so went and got a shipping order of throat lozenges to suck and some more fruit. That wore me out and I fell asleep on my sofa with my mouth gaping open (totally glamorous) and I just know I was snoring my head off. Woke up with a throat that felt like someone had crept inside it with a cheese grater, plus hoped that no one had looked in through the window, as I'm sure it wasn't a pretty sight.

Still I managed to work my way through all of my recorded TV programmes till my eyes were turning square. I am mortified to say I am turning into my mother with a fondness for detective programmes as I watched four hours of Foyle's War and Midsummer Murders, only pausing to pass the endless cups of tea that I've been drinking.

When I am old I will wear purple and red together. Holy crap... I do already!

Lots of love Debbie x

Marvo and his pessary

Woke up yesterday feeling like Marvo the sword swallower's not so talented sister, as my throat felt like I'd swallowed a couple of packets of very sharp razors.
Today it felt like I'd only swallowed one packet, but still felt really tired. I think the cause of this one is my own stupid fault, as I had decided to sterilize my aero chamber which you use with inhalers, with boiling water and buggered the rubber seal inside it. So I was then getting a build up of the fine powder on the roof of my mouth from the medication from the inhalers, which in turn had grown what looked like a furry coat and left my mouth and throat very inflamed with Thrush.

Now I have gel from the doctors which you have to try and rub onto the inflamed area with my fingers making me gag. Oh happy days, all because I thought I would make my medical equipment scrupulously clean. So seven days to go before we sail off on holiday and I rubbing on gel and sucking tablets like they are going out of fashion.
And yes, you probably have worked out that Thrush is what you get in your vagina and yes I've had the indignity of having to shove a pessary up there too!
Some days you just don't want to get out of bed do you.

Lots of love Debbie x

Brown, Cameron and Clegg

I'm sitting here listening to the 'Big Debate', which I did actually promise myself I wouldn't listen to, but here I am trying not to have a rematch of shouting at the TV.
My poor TV is still in shock from my language at Sophie Dahl's cookery show the other night, as she said the word melancholy in every sentence with the clever camera shots. I know the show was based on the word and comfort food, but surely there are other words she could have used so not to make the air blue as well as my mood?
In my view only the very rich or the folk that think they are arty farty and don't actually work can indulge in being melancholy, the rest of us get a kick up the bum and get on with life. Yes we all cook comfort food, but we don't all sit in a very large and beautiful garden house which is bigger than my front room reading Winnie the Poo without a child in sight!

My views so far on tonight's debate are; David Cameron is a smarmy git, Nick Clegg isn't very good at arguing his point; he stumbles too much and Gordon Brown, well I really don't know what to say about him, apart from I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
I know that I applaud the NHS as they have helped me non-stop with my illness, but I think Labour hasn't done it's self a lot of favours over the last few years. I remember very bad times under Mrs Thatcher too; we lost our home for starters. I liked Paddy Ashdown and thought he could have been a strong leader, but Nick Clegg seems a bit wet behind the ears.

So who to vote for... or is it three photos on the dart board time and me in a blindfold????

Lots of love Debbie x

Alan Carr meets the Cod father

I think I have square eyes.

Been doing a lot of data work on the computer today and my eyes are really ouching. My black rimmed glasses, (which my nephew reckons I look like Alan Carr in when wearing them thanks to my large juttyout toothy smile and the way I talk,) have now stretched so much that you could get mine and Sam's head in them together.
Plus I've worked out and it's only taken me about four years, so I'm a slow learner; that varyfocals ain't too hot when working on a computer. I find myself either looking over the top of them which defeats the point of wearing glasses in the first place or looking through the bottom with my head at such an angle that I get neck ache and I can't seem to do it with my mouth shut, so I look like a cod.

Why is it that when you have one lot of money to pay out, other little things that cost crawl out the woodwork too. Now new glasses. I've already had to pay in advance for the oxygen unit to travel abroad in June, but that will leave me tight for my holiday in 10 days time... Oh my god 10 days and I still need new clothes, new knickers, suntan lotion, plugs, more clothes and a hundred and one other things and I don't actually get paid till I'm on the ship... panic!
No need to panic, because I have lovely friends that are lending me lovely evening dresses and other lovely friends, who actually are quite sadistic, that will push and pull me into these lovely dresses, by hook or by crook!

I may look like the Alan Carr of the aquatic world, but give me a pair a re-enforced knickers and I'll look as fab come Gala night as the next middle woman in panic mode... as long as i don't actually eat any of the Gala food of course.

Ooo and I must apologise to the person that opens the charity bag that I left out on Monday morning... I hope it doesn't make you blush too much and I didn't put the batteries in the box, sorry... And sorry Helen for giving your Easter present to me away!
Lots of love Debbie x

Hammer House of Horrors and Pigeons

Another restless night... So bloody hot again, a sore throat and got my tubes caught around my neck a couple of times. Be just my luck to get an organ match only to strangle myself on my oxygen tubes before I can get to the hospital.

I'm not sure what's keeping me awake, the fear of having my heart and lungs cut out, which you've got to admit is 'Tales of the unexpected' and Hammer House of horrors movie stuff or the fear that I'm going to look like a fat git on my holiday, also Hammer House of horror stuff.
Either are huge reasons to panic as far as I'm concerned. I am scared and I am a vain git, not sure which in the lead of the panic stakes yet.

Found myself very nervous driving in today. So first I am frightened of strangling myself and now frightened of having a car accident. Every prat that didn't indicate going round a roundabout, I wanted to hurl abuse at. There's me trying hard to stay alive and them silly sods trying to cause accidents, because they don't know what the little stick is for on their steering wheel... oh bugger now I have road rage again!
I need a holiday so bad!

Saw the ultimate in optimism this morning. I had to drive around a pigeon who had decided to nest in a pot hole in the middle of the road on our village roundabout. What a brave, daft, but determined little thing. Didn't see it squished when I drove home thankfully, but it had moved home. Maybe I'm related to the pigeon as I've been told countless times that I'm daft as a brush and a bloody minded sod!

Lots of love Debbie x

Party girl is knackered

For a knackered old bird, I've done quite well this weekend...

Friday night kicked off with Andrina's birthday bash at Joy Fooks and although I couldn't actually dance tonight, because of wearing myself out going up and down to the all you can eat buffet, because I am a piglet; I found instead watching the very common variety of Essex wild birds quite educating! And I know if Julie is reading this, she will call me a 'bleeding snob'... Me, a snob... never?

I love it though when I learn new things and tonight I learnt that not all free things in this world are good for you... in this case the free flowing coffee. Where I was transfixed on the Essex girls with Irish accents in their little basques and cute hotpants, I didn't pay enough consideration to the amount of coffee I had drunk. At 3.45am Saturday I really wished I had payed more attention as I laid in my bed with eyes like saucers, my heart trying to beat itself out of my chest and my whole body juddering. I was still running on neat caffeine when I got up before 10am I hasten to say and managed to clean my frontroom and bedroom windows inside and out.

I did collapse in a heap in the middle of the afternoon complete with sore throat, but managed to get myself together to go Ben and Becky's engagement party in the evening. Really glad I did, as I even managed a couple of dances with my good friends after Julie promised me she'd dance too, which makes dancing around a chair with my tank sat on it a lot easier!

Tonight my throat hurts and I am knackered, but I feel good. Heard from both my sons today who are both celebrating anniversaries. Eldest son six years married and youngest son seven years together. Oliver is on tour, so Reni celebrated at mine with my mother with a roast dinner, before we all gave up and needed sleep... Very Rock 'n' Roll

Lots of love Debbie x

Bye bye blonde hair... or is it?!

Had a bad nights sleep last night which has left me with hand tremors again, but not as noticeable thankfully. I've taken to sitting on them a lot which helps and only spilt one drink, so that's not bad.

I wouldn't say I had bad dreams or anything last night, but I kept catnapping instead of properly sleeping and waking up at random times. I wouldn't even say I was thinking of things, which is rare for me as the random crap that I think of is renowned by everyone who knows me!

Tonight we are going out to Joy Fooks to eat and party for Andrina's birthday, which will be fun, although I feel so tired I could end up face down in a plate of black bean and beef chop suey if I'm not careful. All day us girls have been trying to work out what to wear and for someone who has been shopping for the last 30 years in deadly earnest... I have nothing to wear for God's sake. Shame we weren't partying early in the day as my stomach wouldn't be the size of an elephant and I wouldn't want to even consider wearing my pjs to a party for comfort.

Have decided to shelve the hair colouring again for a while in case I die before my op. As you know, that is my biggest nightmare that I should die with dark roots... but there again the hair dye might have gone off before I get to try it out and you should never really put things off should you???? Oh blimey I don't know, someone advise me please!
I am just very glad that I haven't got a credit card, as I think it is very likely that it would have taken a huge pounding this weekend just to made me feel better in myself and as we know the only thing going to make me feel better is this transplant... Oh hell when did I turn into a grown-up?????????

Lots of love Debbie x

Racing drivers beware

Finally stopped shaking when I got into bed last night and then started all over again when I got up, but on the up side... I've only cried twice today.

Beautiful day today, blue skies, lovely and warm and that hopeful feeling about the day. I've even started thinking in 'find a donor' mode.

Idea one; when next having appointment cards printed up for the students, have two extra boxes for them to fill in, blood group and smoker/non smoker. If they look fairly hopeful, then lead towards trip wire on stairs. Sheryl always keeps a cool bag at work, so if I talk nicely to her I'm sure she'll let me borrow it.

Idea two; Take numbers of the speeding drivers who just have to pass me even though I'm doing the national speed limit. Get friend in police force to find out addresses so I can send them a little blue and red card, as I'm now seeing them as potential organ donors. Only a matter of time Mr Imustgofasterthanu, I just hope you don't ruin the organs in the process.

My heart has felt like it's been speeding up all day, but I'm sure it hasn't. I just feel a bit surreal. I've always thought that I was a bit of a fraud really with getting a mobility car and a blue badge etc. But I read the NHS page on heart and lung transplants and it clearly says 'only the severely ill will have this operation,' so bloody hell I must be ill. It's quite a thing to get your head round. Someone said today that I'll be the first person that they know to have a heart and lung transplant... me too.

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm frightened and I don't care who knows it

There is something in being prepared in life and there again there's great reasons for just winging it, because for me being prepared today would have meant not getting out of my bed.

I had forgotten that I had a hospital appointment today anyway until I looked at my diary to check when was my niece's birthday late last night, so then panic texting to my boss to tell her I'd be late in. So no time to worry then, but the drive into the hospital in the morning I felt really sick. What happens if he says no to me going to Cyprus? What happens if he decides I have to go into hospital before my cruise... oh bugger, bugger.
Wasn't quite expecting what he did say though.

Transplant to be brought forward. Double lung and heart and tummy tuck... no that's just me being hopeful! But definitely heart and lungs and soon. Although I'm not deteriorating rapidly, I'm not showing any signs of improvement and that's with the overnight oxygen. I'm still having headaches and still finding it hard to get going and the new added bonus, I'm turning blue. Fingers and toes mainly. I asked if we could hold fire until after my holidays and his reply was with a smile, 'of course, but you won't mind is I get busy with enquiries now' and I knew that wasn't a question needing my approval.
We joked about what happens if I get a horrible person's heart and he laughed saying he was a ma of science, but he knew that I'd just remain 'bloody minded'. He talked me through what would happen now and we laughed and joked, 'see you in Oct and he'll get the tests arranged etc.' 'Have a good summer, get strong, don't worry, any problems get straight in touch etc.'
I got into my car and howled my eyes out. Bless my Julie for being on the other end of a phone when I need her to talk me down to earth again.

Got to work and couldn't even hold a cup of tea... Whoah the whole scary picture hit me like the waves on Oludeniz beach on a September afternoon, only this time it will be more than our bikini tops that we'll be losing. Thank God for my lovely Sam and my brilliant workmates who gave me much needed cuddles, cups of tea, chocolate and a bouquet of beautiful roses. More than that, when they say they will be there for me, I know they mean it and that's a good feeling.

Have a shitty headache now that maybe cured by a glass of pimms, so goodnight folks.

lots of love Debbie x

Bunnies that go whizz

Well today was quite a different day...

Went to my sister's for Easter Monday lunch, which is always a welcome treat as my sister is an amazing cook and it's good to see my niece and nephew for some full on teasing.
Easter Eggs were being handed out from my sister and mine came in a long narrow bag... Oo a bottle of wine I thought, but noooo... It was an Easter bunny of the more mechanical kind if you catch my drift.
I'm not quite sure who was more shocked, the kids who had no idea what was in the bag and then couldn't stop laughing when I showed them. My sister when she realised that my mother wanted to see what I had got from her that was making us laugh so much and yes I was letting her see. Or my mother who had a very puzzled look on her face until she realised that it wasn't an electric screwdriver after all. She didn't actually know what it was bless her, but she knew it wasn't brought from Laura Ashley's. Or me when my sister said it had only been used just the once and she didn't much like it! I think that got a huge round of 'Eeews' from all of us.

Still the roast lamb was scrumptious and the trio of chocolate puddings were a triumph and my niece's boyfriend only very slightly thought he'd walked into a episode from the X rated version of the 'Stimpsons.'

Lots of love Debbie xx

Mmmm chocolate

Mmmm had my first piece of chocolate in 40days bar a couple of innocent mistakes which I've already confessed to... And jolly good it tasted too.
I had hoped that I would have held out a bit longer than I did, but I did last to well after a late lunch and not at breakfast which was one of my favourite times to eat cold hard chocolate straight from the fridge that cracks when you bite into in... Ooo joy!

Apart from getting my washing in, I didn't actually step outside the door today. My mother was early by an hour and a half so she could watch Columbo again and my babies were on time. My fridge is near enough empty now and all of us have full bellies. We all fell asleep after lunch at random times, complete with snoring and dribbling. So a good day, a success.

Lots of love Debbie x

Happy Easter

I am burping mint aero...

Decided to take peppermint capsules in a vain attempt to deflate my ever increasing stomach, well it seemed safer than sticking a very large needle in it and watching me deflating around the room like a balloon on speed. The chemist seems to think it's a build up of drugs, but advised me to make an appointment at the doctors too just to rule out foul play and maybe dynarod too for good measure.
Now all I keep doing is burping and farting. Mind you the chap behind me in the cinema was the one with wind not me, but I'm sure Ann thought it was me under the cover of darkness. But honestly Ann, I waited till the safety of my home before letting rip!

I now have a bungalow full of Easter eggs to tantalise me. They are sitting ready to give to my sons and their ladies... I may have to nibble one if left here too long so boys beware as it's been a very long 40 days.
Had my workfriend and her babies over yesterday which was fun... tiring but fun. Had a Easter egg hunt in the garden for the 5year old and he was really impressed that he found all the eggs and one of them came complete with a garden slug.
Everytime I held his little sister though she yelled her head off, so I guess I don't do babies. Plus I need to swot up better on what little folk like to eat as he wasn't over impressed with my black pepper and sea salt potato wedges... he didn't like the black bits! Needed a nap myself after they had gone, but he's coming back as it's pirates next time! Happy Easter.

Lots of love Debbie x