Trick or treat

Day two of not feeling a hundred percent tickyboo and thankfully the clocks went back last night so got another hour to try and get my act together this morning.
I failed miserably and decided against taking mother down to Maldon for a picnic today. It was damp and gloomy out there today which rather matched my mood.
I do hope that my attempts at getting all my tests right on Friday, don't backfire on me now. As example at the end of the walking test, I was asked how breathless I felt and I never know how to answer that as I hate to sound like a wimp.
Do you say very severe, which I was as I was dizzy, hurting across my shoulders and my chest was rising up and down more than a ship on a rough sea with stats of 80 that would be pretty damn truthfully. But then, would I run the risk of the specialist saying I'm past having help and if I don't say I feel ill enough, he might think I'm too well? So I went for the one under severe. Although ask me today and I would gladly be truthful and admit defeat. I feel almost comatosed today as everything is such an effect, I'd just like to roll over and wave the white flag.
But that attitude won't get me anywhere and life goes on.

Decided on going to the cinema late afternoon, as there I can just sit and get totally lost in make believe. It is my haven. I don't think people understand what a lifesaver the cinema is for me. I can't switch off if I try and meditate, but place me in a cinema and I'm in another world, I zone right out.
Mind you driving there was a tad on the scary side, as we got caught in the middle of a police chase and if we had been a couple of minutes earlier, we would have been hit head on by the speeding car that the police were pursuing. Thank God Greta decided to change her boots at the last minute and we were later than we would have been. Both Greta and myself were shaking like leaves afterwards and I'm sure if I had used my Docobo straight after that, my pulse rate would have shot up through the roof!
Made me think again about whose organs might I get. Would I mind if I got some ones heart and lungs who drives recklessly and wouldn't care who they injured or killed on their escape? Once again I wondered would I take on their nasty streak?

Home safe now and sitting here eyeing up a bowl full of trick and treat stuff brought in case children came round tonight dressed as mini witches and devils, but as I live in an OAP area they don't bother with us... to be honest half of the old uns wouldn't even hear them knocking on the door! SoI'm going to have to eat them all myself... Hell how awful, but someone has to do it and I'm just the woman!

Lots of love Debbie x

...All fall down

I feel totally and utterly whacked out today. Yesterday's hospital, rehab, physio and re-potting my plant pots (ok that was probably a mistake) has taken it's toll on me.

Yesterday I had to get to hospital fairly early for me with my container full to the handle of warmish pee and I was right to ask for a milk churn, as I couldn't fit all my pee in the container!... Mind you it was so good sitting on a toilet and peeing this morning with the pee going where it was supposed go and not down my leg... bliss.
I also had to have my bloods tests done for my transfusion, blood group, liver and kidney function etc done at the same time as I handed the pee in and was very pleasantly surprised as there was only two people in front of me. And lady taking my blood was very surprised that it wasn't a camel sitting in front of her when I handed over my pee!
Next was my idea which with hindsight really was a mistake and that was to stop off and get some plants for my ex to pot up for my garden ready for winter. But of course me being me thought that I could do them, which I could at a snails pace which is the only speed I can do, but I had forgotten that rehab was 2pm and not 4pm... so no recovery time.
No matter, I'll take my time on the exercises, after all every bit counts and at least I'm doing something.
Of course today is the day my specialist decides that he wants my 6min walk result... bugger. I can handle that easy, just take it slowly. Which I did, but by 5mins I was wavering about like a drunk with my bust thrust out and my hands on my hips to open my airways! After the test, my stats were 80... double bugger.
I did my exercises after a fashion which included a lot of leaning against things and only doing the exercise when Sadie looked my way.
After rehab come my physio and I was bashed within an inch of my life. I had parted with quite a lot off my lungs before rehab as I didn't want any accidents, but there was still some real sticky stuff down there.
And now I feel like a wet lettuce and guess what? I have to put all my mother's clocks back ready for tomorrow and there is seven alone in her front room that all need changing and she likes new batteries in each one. And the rest of my sisters and brother are where? Oh I know, they are nowhere to be seen... gits.

Lots of love Debbie x

To pee or not to pee.. that is one hell of a question!

Hoping for a better night's sleep tonight, as the past two have been very dodgy.
Tuesday night I couldn't sleep properly because I was worried about going into hospital to pick up my urine collection pot and I was quite right to be worried actually. Firstly out of courtesy I asked the reception desk did I need a slip to put in the clinic basket to show that I was there while I showing the male receptionist the letter from my specialist. The letter which just said to pop into the clinic and pick up container for tests for A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H and about another ten letters .
The chap kept trying to send me off to the ECG department as that was the only part of the letter he was reading and wasn't very happy when I took the letter back to point out the bit about 'Urine collection container in clinic'. He then took it personally and I got a telling off for not having an appointment and that I should tell my specialist to make me one in future. Ok.... Time to ignore them and go straight round to clinic me thinks.
Unfortunately although they were happy to see me in he clinic, they couldn't find an empty container, so I was sent upstairs to the Pathology lab which was quite a distance. God walking around that hospital really knackers me out.
When I got to the path lab I laughed when she handed me the container and said I would need a milk churn for how much I could pee in a day, she just smiled.... Update on that gem later in this epic report!

Last night's lack of sleep was down to our departments Indian Elvis night to celebrate Kate's 60th birthday early. Fab night and fab food... when we got it which was gone 10pm and we arrived at 7.30! So we were getting a tad hungry as you can imagine. At one point I told the waiter that if we didn't get our food very soon, then Indian Elvis would get it when he next came to our table to sing! It arrived and was really lovely food, but I can not eat that late at night anymore as boy did it lay heavy.
And when I did eventually get home, I spent ages trying to find something suitable to collect my pee in before pouring into the container, as I can not aim straight enough to get it into that little opening! I was thinking vases, but then worried that they would pick up some floral disease like Dutch elm etc, then thought tupperware, but I needed all them for my picnics and I don't even think I could do that to my mother! Eventually I found an old bowl that had seen better days at the back of my cupboard and could be pensioned off after the collection.

6.30am I started my odious task of the 24hour pee collection and was extremely glad I wasn't trying to pee in the hole as I must have a crooked pee hole as I peed down my leg, over my hand even with the big bowl and then poured some over my hand again trying to transfer it into the collection container! God no one should be doing this at 6.30am! It's bad enough that I'm getting caught in my oxygen tubing that I'm attached to or tripping over the electrical lead every night without peeing down my leg. If anyone was to look through my bathroom window, my God what would they think to what my mother would say 'Coupeing down' over the old bowl with a breast escaping out my nightie and with tubes hanging out my nose. And I wonder why I'm single!
So far and it's now 9.15pm I have very nearly filled up the container, I have peed down my legs three times, changed my trousers twice and one pair of socks... luckily I wasn't wearing my new slippers at the time!
I hate my life...

Lots of love Debbie x

Problems and promises

Ok scrap the idea of the chair by the bedroom window to sit bathing in the sunshine while reading a novel, as today it is raining and it wasn't so warm and restful at all. My bed was though, but I have decided that unless I have had a bad night or I'm feeling ill, then I will get up and atom by 9am... ok more 9.30ish.
I did actually have a restless night though... well a weird one anyway, but I still got up on time. I woke up after about 3hrs sleep last night in exactly the same place as I was when I dropped off to sleep in the first place. This is very unusual for me, as I roll from side to side from ages as a rule to find a cool comfy spot. I then spent hour battling with myself after waking up to get up and have a pee, but I really couldn't be bothered even though I wanted to and it wasn't because I was warm and snug, because I was really quite chilly again.
I actually went off to sleep again without going to the loo, which I'm normally scared to do so, in case I dream that I am on the loo and actually pee the bed by mistake!

Picked my sick certificate for a month from the doctors, but if it takes longer to sort out my retirement, then the doctor said to call her and she'll write me out another one. That's good as I have been quite breathless this morning.
Got lured over to the hairdressers after the doctors, as my hair seems to have gone mad this time and looks pants. I now have very short hair again and once I've blow dried it myself, it will feel a lot better.
Drove into work afterwards to drop off my certificate and meet the new chaplain. Whoa going into work again was really weird as I think people were pleased to see me, but it's amazing how life goes on without you. I wasn't expecting to have people flinging theirselves at my feet, begging me to stay, but I wasn't prepared to feel guilty either at not staying that extra week. Not that anyone said anything, but I just felt a bit of a failure again. The Laerning Support girls have asked if we can have a regular weekly lunchdate which I liked the idea of. Old habits die hard as I was really tempted to help Sam as she was snowed under, but I know that is a no no and Jean sent Andrina out to help anyway.
The chaplain was really sweet and we spoke about everything and anything. I asked if he was seeing me because he knew something that I didn't, like I was about to snuff it and he was there to save my soul. Thankfully he said no, but if I did want someone to talk to he was always there. I actually think I could talk to him quite openly about my fears that I have about this transplant and I was quite impressed with him as he didn't run screaming through the door when I said I was worried about having a scumbag's heart and that it might change me into a scumbag.
I then took my pride off to the garage and admitted defeat with the mobile and the car's blue tooth connection problem and I was embrassed to say, the young lad did it in less then 10mins... the shame of it.

Lots of love Debbie x

Debbie v blue tooth

I rather enjoyed today. I think I might get an arm chair next to my bedroom window, as that is definitely where the sunshine and heat floods in. I sat on my bed in the sunshine instead and actually finished off my book that I had been reading for a while... a little piece of heaven.
As well as doing relaxing things, I tidied up my wardrobe again as I have been throwing things in just lately and I've been risking a landslide every time I open the door. I still have to do the shelf tomorrow as just sorting out the floor and tidying up the clothes, totally wore me out. This is when I know that I really am ill, as any manual task will floor me in minutes.

After rehab, I took myself off to meet Ann at the cinema and lost myself in a tongue in cheek shoot them up film. I then confused my car phone as I have a new upgrade mobile and the car and mobile blue tooth weren't connecting... Er I really shouldn't have even tried to sort it out as I am a button presser and now nothing is working... duh I will have to go back in to the garage tomorrow and be ridiculed as a 'girlie' if I can't fix it tomorrow. I have read a bit more of the instructions (they are so boring!), so maybe I'll get it right tomorrow when it's light and not freezing cold sitting in the car!
Oh I have another task to keep me occupied tomorrow!

Lots of love Debbie x

Olive stones and naughty mothers

You know you shouldn't do it, but you do it anyway and then spend all day and all night kicking yourself and trying to make it right. No I haven't ate a box of cream cakes, but hey I am capable of it and no I haven't dyed my hair with an old hair colourant that I've found in the cupboard, but I have done that on someone else's hair... sorry Darren, but don't worry mate, I've had some bloody awful colours myself too in my time! And no I haven't slept with someone I shouldn't have, chance would be a fine thing, my 'ugly coyote moments' are well gone!
But what I have done today which is equally annoying was washed a mohair jumper in with my best black trousers and black undies and know they are all wearing furry coats! I've washed them again, dried them, hoovered them and then washed them again.
It's now midnight and my trousers have had their third wash of the day and they are looking more hopeful, but lets keep our fingers crossed for a windy drying day tomorrow.

Took mother down to Maldon again lunch time where we sat and ate our picnic lunch while watching the river life. We ate our picnic in what is fast becoming our usual spot and then later drove down to see the six traditional Maldon barges were all which were all parked up further down in the boat yard.
I know that's not the correct terminology sorry Derek. But they did look magnificent closer up even with their sails folded up, you could almost smell the wet rope and the tar from where we were parked. I really must get myself a walker thingy so I can go off on my own and discover things without worrying about waiting for someone to come with me. I'm missing a great deal by having to wait for people.
It was a full moon yesterday, so the tide was in and very high which means there was lots of people about on the river and walking along the promenade.
The fresh air certainly gives mother an appetite, as she polished off everything that I prepared for us plus all the cherry tomatoes while I fell asleep in the sunshine while sitting in the warmth of our car! Lordy I am turning into a old girl!
Must admit I was mortified when my mother threw a olive stone out my window and it hit the car next to me. Luckily the old couple in the car were dozing too!
I always thought I would age disgracefully, but when it's your mother spitting out olive stones you turn into a kid again, going 'Mum!' in that whingey voice that you have as a child when your mother does something embarrassing in front of you!
Funny thing is, although I am embarrassed my mother at times, I think my boys have it a hundred times worse, especially after my admission about my 'ugly coyote' moments earlier on this page! Sorry kids!

Lots of love Debbie x

In my day...

Day one of my retirement and I was still in my pjs come 11am... Already I have turned into a lush!

Went off and brought two thermos cups, matching ones each for me and mother, plus a thermos suitable for soups etc. I can hear Julie cackling now as she reads this! But I don't care. When I'm sitting with the wind in my hair (ok that's a slight exaggeration as I will probably be sitting in the car with the window only wound down a margin), but when I'm sitting in the car watching the wind whipping up the waves or whatever, I can sip my green tea in comfort. I do have the picnic gear for champagne as well I'll have you know, but on my retirement budget, I can settle for green tea and a cup cake!

My beef for the day is the same as I have moaned about before and that is people using disabled bays in the supermarkets who aren't disabled. Though I am tempted to kick them hard in their shins or chin them with my oxygen unit and disable them. But then I would have to get used to eating porridge for a couple of years.
Today there was a young mum who pulled up next to me and she smiled at me as she got out her big flash old car with her baby, saying that all the mum's and baby bays were full. I believe that she thought she had every right to park there, as shopping with a baby is hard work.
Oh pleeeeeeeeeease... Lordy I used to bike to the shops with Dwight strapped in the baby sit and carry the shopping bags on the handle bars pushing the bike back from the shops, plus being eight months gone with Oliver. Or if going into town on the bus... yes a bus... I'd have a folded up buggy and a struggling Oliver under each arm, hanging on to Dwight with one hand and the bags of shopping in the other. No wonder they all look like designer mums nowadays... Light weights!

Well I am off to the cinema and I'll see if I can do my grumpy old woman act in there.

Lots of love Debbie x

The great escape... not

Well surprisingly no tears today. My last day at work.

Ok a couple of welling ups going on, but I thought I did well considering I was a nervous wreck as I sat on my bed first thing this morning looking like someone had stolen my last wage packet. Which actually will be what will happen shortly in a round about way... no more wage packets.
Really did not want to go to work for my last day, but just wanted to crawl back into my bed and wake up next Spring. Sleeping is my way of coping with things I don't like, but isn't a very good way really as sadly the problems are still there when you wake up.
The fact is was bloody freezing in my bedroom helped me to snap out of my daze, get a shift on and get dressed for work just to keep warm.
Considering this time last year my hot sweats had me sleeping with all my windows open, even when there was snow on the ground with very little on my bed and I was still like a furnace and here I am shivering, what a difference a year makes.
I think the heat from the oxygen concentrator gives the thermostat on the wall in the hallway , which is where the concentrator is banished to, the wrong readings. It thinks the rest of the bungalow is fine, because as soon as I get up and open all the doors for the heat to disperse, the radiators come on and heat floods through. Mmm a few minor adjustments like banishing the concentrator further away, this time into the living room maybe and my winter quilt back on as a last resort and I think things could be quite toasty. Only problem is I'm frightened of having my doors left open though as they are fire doors. Fire and oxygen tubes attached to your face... Mmm scary, so a bit of a conundrum going on in my head.

Work was a doddle though as hardly any staff in, which for once in my working life was handy and lots of students with problems, so not a lot of time to worry myself about leaving. Just felt like another day, which is what I wanted. I kept trying to pretend that I was just going off on holiday and not retiring at all.
I brought flowers for my Sam and a thank you card. Sam and her youngest daughter brought me a plant in a rather snazzy container and a card with really moving personal words in it bless her.
I brought posh chocolates for the department and a deepest sympathy card as they will be losing me after all!!! God I reckon they will think they have gone deaf for the first couple of weeks of me being gone!
All went well till 2.00pm when a whole team came back early and they starting realising that I would be sneaking off today and not next Friday as everyone was told. Luckily Sam and myself were unadated with students so we kept our heads down and at 2.30pm we shot out the door together into the sunshine like Bonnie and Clyde!
I give my line manager her due as she took over the desk so I could make my escape and for that I will always thank her. I drove home feeling like a weight had been taken from my shoulders. I have loved working there and will miss it dreadfully, but I have another adventure to go on now... mind you with this adventure I get to have a lie in... bonus!

Lots of love Debbie x

Helpful winning hints on being a perfect housewife!

Sputum sample number two in the bag or should I rephrase that and say in the pot. Sample one was a no no yesterday. I tried yesterday, in fact I tried too hard actually, as whenever I have physio, there is never that much lurking about in my lungs first thing in the next morning and it's a bit of a battle when on the time frame of having to get to work.
So being practical I sat on the loo while trying to 'cough' some up. Sitting on the loo is a necessity when middle aged, as when you start straining to get a good old deep cough going: putting it bluntly, you are going get a little drop of pee escape!
This time is was more then a little drop of pee escaping, but all of my breakfast toast and morello cherry jam rushing up from my stomach. Luckily my bath is next to the loo so I was able to vomit in that.
Now this very helpful hint may win me a £20 voucher to spend on incontinent pads from 'Woman's Helpful hints around the house' magazine, but if you puke in the bath, when you go to wash it away it doesn't all rush to the plug hole and bung it up! It's more spread out so to speak. Yay no more having to stick your finger in to it to push the lumps of carrots down the plughole... sorted!
Sample deposited at the hospital and this time managing to keep my shoes on and avoiding puddles, then get off to work normally o time.
Had a long chat with my boss today and I'm being allowed to go tomorrow, as I don't think I can handle loads of goodbyes next week. I'm happy to have my party in Nov as planned, as hopefully I'm be more together by then and less tearful. Today has been a real strain fighting back the tears.
Got home today and on the doorstep was an envelope full of request forms for blood tests , urine tests etc all with 'lung transplant' emblazoned across them, all starting next week... Wednesday to be precise...gulp.
Picked up Reni to take her to work tonight and brought myself a bottle of wine and a couple of chocolate bars at the garage. I've been very good with my diet, but sod it, everyone is allowed something naughty sometime.

Lots of love Debbie x

Do you have concrete shoes in size 6 please?

The facade of being fine about my early retirement is slipping well and truly, as today is day two of going home with a headache from hell. I needed to lay down in a darken room, but I knew my brain would have probably exploded if left to my own devices with everything that is going on in my head at the moment.
So I did next best thing and went to sit in the dark in the local cinema and watched a weepy rom-com while munching on a chocolate overload magnum. Did it work... nearly... but I did get very emotional about the cute orphaned baby!

I tried very hard to get my 11 years at Anglia Ruskin sorted and packed away for whoever came next and I still haven't made much of an impact, but I really don't want to stay any longer than Friday.
A) It will be too emotional and I will either end up in floods or say something I don't mean.
B) I just feel inadequate now. My confidence has left the building at least a month in front of me.
When I look at Sam, I feel as if I'm betraying my partner by leaving her. I know she'll cope as you have to, but I've always had this need to protect what feels like my little sister.
What happens if everyone says 'Thank god she's gone, never did like her' after I've left?
I feel so angry and so very scared. I used to have my health and a wage packet and now by Christmas I will have neither. I can joke about me going on the game, wearing PVC and whipping men with my oxygen tubes, but I may have to go into dominatrix to survive thanks to the Conservatives wanting to cut benefits. Typical of me to get myself retired when they want to cut benefits that baffle me already. Christ I stand back in amazement at these people who work the system, I can't understand how to get what I'm entitled to even. Also now they say a council home is not for life. I probably won't even be able to afford a bloody cardboard to live in next and I'll probably have to do my own transplant, as that's bound to be next on their hit list. Oh fuck, concrete shoes anyone????

Lots of love Debbie x

Pass the headache pills please

Blimey I went home with a stomper of a headache today. The heat in the office was quite sickly where it was so hot and I had to throw open all the windows, which seemed such a waste of money, but with students sniffing and staff coughing, I needed fresh air around me.
It quickly became apparent that the romantic notion of me sorting out my desk and computer in a nice leisurely fashion, was not going to happen. I was soon having a steady flow of students coming in and Sam was at the course that I had got out of thanks to my impending retirement.
Then the boss wanted to buy me coffee. Cool I'm always up for a freebie especially as I will be stony broke soon enough.
Next distraction wasn't so pleasant as my new line manager then wanted to give me a pep talk about making sure everything is in order before I go... duh I'm trying. And then she said a very strange thing, that she was having to cook the books with HR because of my part-time hours... Mmm I honestly don't think that this lady understands the Disability Act... I ain't making up the rules, the Occupational Health doctor is and his word is the one you obey and I am doing what he says.
Went to hospital for my physio a little a bit miffed yet again thanks to her with headache getting worse. To make matters worse, the fact I tripped on a kerb in the car park, lost my shoe and stepped in a freezing puddle with my stocking foot, didn't help my temper or my headache. Nor did the physio, as that rattles every part of you.

I thought I'd pop in for a much deserved cuppa at my friends and found myself telling her how angry I was with my brother for not coming round to see my mother since before July or maybe June.
I was angry with myself for moaning to her about him, as I don't see her much and when I do, I always tend to end up moaning about something. Some friend I am. But I then felt angry with her for telling me not to say anything I'd regret to him. I kept quiet, but please, why would I care about his feelings, when I see my 93 year old mother crying because she feels her son has forsaken her and doesn't love her? Or see her in pain when she's dragged out her recycling, doesn't he wonder who puts it out, because it's either his old mother who is major wobbley on her legs or me who is on oxygen.
Bit of a nightmare today, hopefully everything will be better in the morning.

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm writing a list

I had a day off today on annual leave and the day just vanished! By the time I did my drugs, had my car serviced, which took 2 1/2 hrs of me sitting there reading a book in a very hot waiting room and had my rehab, my day had gone. I was still cooking my evening meal at 8pm.
I've heard people say that when they retired, they've wondered how they fitted work in, I'm beginning to see what they mean. I've been told that I'll have two lots of physio and two lots of rehab now a week, so that only leaves one working day left free and no doubt that will be filled with hospital visits and tests. I am hoping somewhere along the line to be a lady that lunches Gawd damnit!

I think I am going to ache tomorrow as I haven't been to rehab for a couple of weeks because of illness and clinics and I rather went for it. Well lets face it, when you'll exercising with people of the average age of 70 years old, you're going to think you are going for it even if you're not!
The 3min walk we have to do resembles something out of a prison when we all file out into the yard, although we haven't got chains around our ankles, a lot shuffle along like they have.
I have a horrible feeling that I am going to resemble an Aunt Sally, as stiff as a board when walking around tomorrow.
As soon as I got in the lovely hot bath, my mobile kept ringing and however hard you try to ignore it, you then start worrying that you are missing something important. I normally get a very curt message from my mother, who hasn't got to grips with answering machines yet and normally makes sarky comments about 'Humph I thought you were feeling ill/tired, but your out and about I see!'
No mother I'm in the bath or on the loo, do you really want sound effects, because I can oblige????

My oxygen mother ship has now gone totally do lally as well as I now only have three bars on it, so I have no idea ow much is in it, as it was registering empty all last week. At least I didn't freezer burn myself on it this time though. My thumb is still painful from Friday and that was just the ice on the cloth that caught my thumb, can you imagine what damage you'd do if caught in a blast of liquid oxygen? Mmmm watch out anyone that naffs me off!

Jean called tonight to talk about my leaving do. Gawd... I want a brass band, people wailing and hanging onto my ankles... no what happens if everyone is busy and can't come?!
It's going to be in November and I have to write lists... I love writing lists as I hate bloody surprises. And Sam knows me only too well! Busy busy tomorrow at work then!

Lots of love Debbie x

Plans and more plans

Day 2 of waking up with a headache, not a hangover I hasten to add, although two glasses of wine certainly tells on me now and last night I had another two at Jeanette's 40th birthday party.
This is Julie's niece and the whole of Julie's family have always warmly welcomed me and made me feel a family member, which is really lovely... thank you guys!
It was a lovely evening with lots of laughter, good food and good company. Jeanette's father-in-law roasted some chestnuts outside on the BBQ and they went down a treat with a glass of wine as it had turned really nippy.

Took mother out for a picnic at Maldon again today to blow away the cobwebs.
I say a picnic, but it was more sitting in the car eating our picnic lunch with the windows open overlooking the river. The thing that had me chuckling though, was if you looked to the left or to the right of you, there was old biddies doing the exactly same thing in nearly every car! I even sat contemplating buying a thermos flask for next time... Sweet Jesus shoot me now!
It is lovely sitting there though and there was a huge visible difference from last weekend. The blue skies were still there fair enough, but less leaves on the trees, people had coats on buttoned up around their ears as there a fair old nip in the air and less people about, apart from sitting in their cars!
I was planning my retirement party in my head as we sat there. That felt weird. I did say I'd have an old me party and a new me party, so I guess I could have them all rolled into one?
I also sat thinking about buying a walking frame thing as well, so i could do a bit of walking when I'm off and get myself a bit fitter. That has got to be easier getting one of them out the car rather than dragging my wheelchair out so i can lean on that. Maybe they do a rough terrain one as I used to love walking over the fields?????

Ah well time to make myself a cuppa and put my feet up in front of the TV. That's the life!

Lots of love Debbie x

It's Official!

Well it is official and I can now say to everyone without the risk of upsetting anyone... I am to be retired on the grounds of ill health.
Blimey that feels really weird now I have been told from Occupational Health that I have done my duty and it's time to go as from this day onwards I am off on sick leave. That was the bit that made me blubber as that part was so final. So bless him, he relented and said ok I could go back into work to close down my computer, finish off anything that I needed to and say my goodbyes, then I have to go to the doctors to get signed off and sit it out at home till the official letter comes.
In my terms, it means go in down load all my holiday photos etc on to a magic stick thing, spend a bit longer with Sam and then go. I have been allowed two weeks tops and allowed 15 hrs to 20 hrs a week to do it in, but I must be gone by then.
To be honest, my mind has already left and I can see me doing a week at the most, which will be long enough to meet my bosses and then get going. It's not as if I won't ever see my friends again. Sounded really odd having him say that I was extremely ill, I think can't get my head around the fact that I am actually ill!
Poor Jean had me blubbering again and even though I knew it was coming, I was pretty bloody shocked. Amazing what a cream tea in Sainsbury's does for you... thanks Jean!
Lots of cuddles later, some work mates shocked and some just very relieved, I left and got ready for my girlies to come round for a meal.

Lesson learnt tonight is do not have a glass or two of wine on an empty tummy while cooking the meal. Made the fatal error of putting my squishy tray down on the cooker hob while serving up, which was turned off in my defence, but hadn't cooled down enough.
Result was silk stuck to hob and millions of polystyrene balls flowing out of the melted hole where the silk should have been. Some balls were melting on the hob along with the silk whilst stinking out my kitchen and all the other balls that got away, were getting away all over my kitchen floor! Julie... Lynn help!

I now about 15hrs later have the headache from hell and I am a bad tempered as Satan himself. My mother has run out of milk and lo and behold it's down to me again to go fetch. Have the other three children been adopted do you think and I have been left an only child????
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Lots of love Debbie x

Here we go again

Well today's return to work wasn't quite the jolly event that I was hoping for, although it was lovely to see everyone after two weeks off.

I got back to my desk and the bottom drawer in my filing cabinet has been taken over with everything other than my things? When I queried this at my return to work interview, I was told that the cabinet was not mine. That's strange I said as it's under my desk. Once again I was told that the desk was not mine either, that Sam and myself don't actually have a desk to ourselves...Mmmm.
Well bollocks, I'm claiming squatters rights on the grounds that I have worked at that desk for 11 years and that is our work space!
See I knew this would happen, that one day I would come back from holiday or sick leave and I'd find my desk on the A12!
Apparently this is why it had to be kept tidy at all times. Er hello, it is tidy when I go home every night and we only have the information out that we need throughout the day. According to Occupational Health I am supposed to have my work station suitable for my reasonable adjustments and that means having everything in arms reach, especially now I'm attached to my bloody portable oxygen unit throughout the day with plastic tubing which is only about three foot long.
Surely the fact that the students get our help and advice has got to be more important than whether the desk is clear????
I went off work two weeks ago stressed and guess what, a morning in and I'm back stressed again!
I had the afternoon off with annual leave to go and see CAB about what benefits I am entitled to. Very scary. A big thank you Rosemary (and Bill) for being my extra set of ears and for treating me to lunch and that much needed liquor coffee afterwards.

Occupational Health visit tomorrow so watch this space!

Lots of love Debbie x

I want to sleep!

Midnight turned into 1am and then 2am, swiftly followed by 3am and finally at 4am I gave up and made myself another cup of chamomile tea, a slice of toast and just sat and read my book till 4.45am before finally drifting off to sleep and staying asleep until 7am.
But at 3am I was punching pillows and laying there wide awake trying to work out why I couldn't sleep yet again.
So I did a check list in my head; headache tick, feeling nauseous pretty much all the time tick, a horrible metallic taste in my mouth which makes all food taste the same... tick. A touch of thrush.. damn it tick. Put them all together and add on the inability to sleep and you have a light bulb moment and the answer of course is antibiotics. Been on them often enough, so I know the pattern by now and the last couple of days have always guaranteed me a few bad nights sleep.
Oh God no, another light bulb moment... I shouldn't have had my oxygen assessment if on antibiotics. Bugger no wonder I got a good reading as it wasn't a true one. So this is why I stayed awake till 4.45am worrying about the fact I could jeopardise things by being stupid.
How could I have forgotten that I couldn't have the assessment done because of the course of antibiotics that the specialist put me on.
Helen, Vera and Lisa will kill me!
Actually they took it very well first thing this morning and looks like I will be having another assessment again soon. Probably this time Vera will take a run at me with the scalpel!

Lots of love Debbie x

Countdown to work

The last couple of years my life has been full of hospital appointments, so much so that I know certain nurses as friends and after yesterday's being recognised by the student physio and told how they call me 'The' Debbie, it's all a bit strange. I can see it getting even fuller with the prospect of the transplant. I'm not complaining honestly as it makes me realise that I've not pretending to be ill, but that is still hard to get my head round, as most days I feel normal. Ok I stop feeling normal when I start walking around however, but I do still feel normal when I'm sitting down .
Today was the head partner at my doctors turn. As she keeps getting results back from tests, but hasn't actually met me in a quite a few years, she thought it was time we met as well. She was very nice actually, offered me any help that I needed and smiled a lot... Er anger management might help me!
I saw a trailer for 'Reggie Perrin' the other day and I swear Martin Clunes has modelled himself on me, especially the scene where he pushes everything off the table and flicks things in the air... was he watching me in the office when I was having my hissy fit over 'the untidy desk' I wonder???
Though in my defence I have been a pussy cat for the last few days. No work stress I guess and plenty of rest which has really helped me feel a lot stronger, but I do wish my memory was a bit better as I've forgotten twice now to do my stats and last night I was nearly two hours late putting my oxygen on. Just as well I can make it up through out the day.
Last full day off tomorrow and then back to work. That's going to be weird and hard, but I will have routine again and that helps. I will however have my Bach Rescue Remedy in my pocket at all times!

Lots of love Debbie x

I am 'The' Debbie

It was a much better day today even though I had a crappy nights sleep yet again. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but my windows were closed in the bathroom and my bedroom when I got in yesterday and I really can't remember closing them before going out!?
I laid there in bed trying desperately hard to remember me shutting them, but I couldn't. Surely a burglar wouldn't close the windows before leaving??? Plus there was nothing missing.
I did wonder at one point if it was my friend's daughter fed up of me being slap hazzard at times, and had climbed in and closed them before letting herself out the front door to teach me a lesson.
Then I realised that this was probably the drugs and lack of sleep talking!
How stupid is that to think that; nearly as daft as me thinking that a burglar would ever find anything worth stealing in the first place in my home. I'm still building up my home from when I got divorced and the only things that are new in my home is my armchair and my genuine Venetian plastic chandelier... Just call me second hand Rose!

Had a massage to relax me before going to hospital today and I also took my mother's A-frame on wheels to help me get across from the car park to the ward as it very nearly killed me last time as I had to walk so far. I luckily left mother at home!
I was quite right to take her wheeler, as once again I had to walked what seemed miles and it's all up hill, ok not a huge one, more of a slope, but still knackered me last time.
I arrived hardly stressed at all and actually had colour in my cheeks, a million miles away from last time where I was grey and very sweaty.
Anyway my blood gasses had improved which was good news as I would hate to have been dragging my tubes around everywhere for nothing. Better than they thought, so goodness knows what that meant.
While waiting for my drugs in pharmacy, a young nurse came up to me and asked if I was Debbie. Apparently she was in one of the classes I did with Ruth at Essex University and I'm now known as 'The' Debbie to the students! Oooo hello I am famous!
Also good news, while I sat watching the local news, they had a report from Papworth on TV with a lady who had a double lung and heart transplant 25 years ago and the doctor said that the greatest cause of death after a transplant was now old age! Wow that has actually diluted my fears somewhat especially after reading the NHS web pages and their sombre life expectancy.
Blue sky thinking again in my life and maybe I can stop worrying for a whole day!
Ooo and my dead TV was just a blip too!

Lots of love Debbie x

Question time

I had a busy weekend, which was really lovely as I was spending it with friends and it helped busy my mind from some of my doubts that I'm having.

Jean, Sam and I went for lunch at Dedham for Sheila's birthday treat and it was a perfect day for spending next to the river watching the swans and ramblers. Having a twisted mind like mine, I was watching to see if any of the ramblers got chased by the swans!
Sam pushed me around Dedham village which was an experience for the pair of us. Sam wrestling with the wheelchair as the paths had quite a camber going on there, so I had to lean over to the left in my wheelchair to counterbalance... 2012 Olympics I feel; in the two woman bob sleigh team maybe???
Sam was quite shocked how some people stare and there were a couple of times where we sailed seriously close to the kerbs where people would not move over not even just a tad. I told her they were probably staring at my beauty, but they were probably staring at my white knuckles where I was hanging on so tightly!
We were then invited around to Sally's for a Murder Mystery night which was a real hoot and her friends were really lovely and welcoming. I did feel a bit conspicuous when we were all deep in thought reading our clues and I was making puffing noises on my oxygen where I had it on the pulsar. But I thought I covered the tubes up marvelously well with a false moustache and I turned out to be the killer. Had Sally type cast me thanks to my recent hissy fits I wondered?!

Today I took mother to Maldon and we just sat in the car watching the world go by with the windows open, as I had to park next to some bollards and couldn't open my door! Suited me, because if I could have got out, mother would have had me running around doing something no doubt. It was good though to watch the busy river life and feel the sun on the half of my face near the open window! The amber colours of the trees and the Autumn sky were really beautiful, making you really appreciate a lazy afternoon especially as I didn't sleep very well last night.
I'm not sure if it was because it was mild again or whether it was because my mind is more than a little muddled at the moment or probably just half of each.
I also had a family of baby flies flitting around my bedroom light and the act of balancing on my bed trying to suck the flies up my spider catcher while wearing my oxygen tubes was quite a sight to behold and no mean feat! I then kept waking up just as I was drifting off, thinking they were crawling all over me... yuk.
I just keep wondering that maybe I should have asked the specialist more questions when I was in with him. The NHS is brilliant don't get me wrong, but you are aware that you have an allotted time for your consult and I had already gone over mine. Plus I do have a habit of thinking what ever he says is set in stone and I hang on to his every word.
I just keep thinking though, that six months ago when I saw him the last time when he dropped the bombshell the first time round, I really thought that I was doing well with my illness. Well apart from the blue fingers and feeling more and more breathless, but I was expecting a pat on the back and not the transplant talk at all.
So am I right thinking that this transplant will be the fairy tale ending that I'm hoping for and I will live until I'm 90 or am I thinking blimey I could die on the table or my body could reject it or I might not even pass the tests. I can't make out how Ruth feels about it either at the moment and that worries me.
I feel like my nerves are on a bloody roller coaster at the moment!
Ah well the Oxygen clinic tomorrow, I could always ask Vera to slit my throat rather than my ear and that would solve everything!
Ooh and my bleeding TV is playing up again!

Lots of love Debbie x

Changes a foot

A nice steady day today after yet another late night.

This time I had started reading up on the tests that I will be facing and it made quite interesting reading. I must say the NHS web pages are very informative and easy to understand, although some of the facts and figures about time scales and survival rates were a wee bit scary for bedtime reading.
It did make me wonder though, how long I would carry on left like this. Already it seems second nature to drag the tubes around, even if I do feel like Calamity Jane gathering up the tubes like a lasso when I walk around the bungalow. Calamity being the operative word for the amount of times I catch them on something or trip over on them.
Julie had to point out to me that the reason I would had to be alcohol free as stated on the web page, was in case I get the call and I would be turned away if I'd been drinking. This will be novel, as I do like a glass of something in the evening, but I guess there will be lots of lifestyle changes to get to grips with and that is a small thing to do for a second chance at a normal life.
Still I'm glad the dentist said I had good oral hygiene and that my teeth were ok, as that was another hurdle you could fall at. I shall became a champion flosser now.
One of the life style changes will definitely keeping better hours. I do tend to go to bed very late when I am off and not wake up till 9am and then have a 30min lie in on top. Actually I go to bed very late full stop, work or no work and function on little sleep, but since having the longer tubes, I don't get half as tangled up in them and get a good quality sleep now.
That was always a bug bear for me when I was married, as Tim would always be up hoovering about 8.30am at the weekend and I was still hanging to the mattress for grim death imagining where I would shove the hoover hose!

I got my confirmation letter from the Occupational Health doctor for the week after next, but I had to change that time as I'm at the hospital for my chest physio. It's now been put forward to next Friday morning. I also got my letter from Human Remains or HR, and they have actually put in the letter about retiring through ill health. Seemed scary seeing it in black and white, them bringing it up before me and it's all happening very quickly.

Went out for lunch at the garden centre with Julie and took mother too. Bless her, mother brought two very stylish tops for herself in the 'Dash' sale and her Christmas cards for my brother and sisters. I had to nonchalantly walk on so Julie could choose one for me, while I pretended to look at other things.
The trip did actually wear me out enough to make me feel as really weary when I got back home, but I really couldn't fall sleep not even for a 5mins power nap. My mind seems to be permanently buzzing at the moment with so much to think about... webpages, doctor's trip, how will I manage etc. Still I'll aim for bed before midnight tonight, maybe that will help.

Lots of love Debbie x

Blue skies again

The black cloud has certainly lifted and the one that has been looming over me for the last month isn't the only one to shift, as it's stopped raining and the weather is quite lovely today. It's how October should be, beautiful blue skies, nip in the air first thing and when the sun starts lowering, but lovely warm sunshine in between.
So whether it is the good weather today or the good news yesterday I don't know, but I'm not complaining as I feel certainly more positive then I have in a long while.

Mother even ventured over to mine for a morning cuppa, which turned into lunch and then afternoon tea. A tired looking Julie came round too with cream cakes and said that Darren was very close to having his crutch put where the sun doesn't shine with his constant calls of 'mum' every five minutes! She is obviously very glad that he is safe and sound, but I can't help think that it is unfair her running around after him now he's done his leg in from the motorbike crash, when she was so dead against him having a bike in the first place.
The bless her, tonight she is babysitting overnight for a projectile vomitting grand daughter. I forgot how much I hated the smell of sick as I helped clear it off of Julie's sofa! Poor old Julie has another night of hardly any sleep in front of her by the looks of it.

I had my physio done again this afternoon at the new community hospital in Braintree. I haven't bee there for a while as they have been coming to me. I asked Ruth what tests did I have in store for me. Lots, was her answer and that I'd be sick to death of them by the time I got to the transplant stage. Ok, worrying, but Ruth is always honest, no good rose tinted it. I'll look it up on the internet. She said her main aim would be to keep me fit and healthy, so I'm going to start going to rehab twice a week soon. Seems a bit of a paradox having to get really fit to prove I'm well enough to have the transplant because I'm ill and no longer fit. Weird, but I'll do whatever it takes.
I got a text this afternoon to say I have an appointment already from Occupational health. Speedy little movers, I almost felt unwanted. This is going to be another case of everything plodding on and then the music stops and everything turns into a whirlwind of activity.

Lots of love Debbie x

New woman here I come

Yay looks like I'm going to get my chest cut open, my bits taken out and I'm pleased about it and I'm not even drunk!!
My specialist has decided that the time is right and I am ready now and if all the tests go well and there are a great many of them by the sounds of it, then I'll go off to Papworth and be put on the list.
I feel as if I've just got another hearing against a prison sentence which I already had one foot in the prison cell, but now I've a good barrister firmly on my side.
He asked a lot of questions about my holiday, about work etc and I've had to agree on some conditions. I also answered the questions as honestly as I could without sounding like the local loony, as I know I've got to go for a psychological test as well and I know I'm not right in the head without having a specialist telling me. Blimey, I do hope there's not a test for anger management, as I'd fail that bugger straight away!
I'm never a hundred percent sure of what he's thinking, as he smiles a great deal all the time, but I honestly hope that over the years he has got to know me a bit at least and that even though I'm a pain in the arse, I am a fairly good person who is very determined.

Big hugs to my friend Julie, who not only sat with me this morning in hospital, then had to go back tonight and sit with her son who took a tumble off his motorbike. This was her worse nightmare and he is now laying in a hospital bed with a smashed knee. Get well soon Darren and please get rid of the bike for your mother's sake.
Love you Julie

Lots of love Debbie x

Titanic tears

A few more tears today, but that because I was watching that marvelous TV programme 'Titanic, The Mission'. Gosh it's such a fab programme!
This week's episode was about the Titanic's anchor and the team's rebuilding using the same methods as the iron workers originally worked. The programmes team found no statue to commemorate this huge feat of constructional achievement where the factory stood and now the town could actually have this second anchor on show there to eulogize the hard work of the original men's achievement.
Of course the men now wear fireproof clothing and hard hat helmets, where yesterdays workers only protection was a leather apron, leather gloves and a flat cap.
But it was the parade at the end that had me crying. They did an exact replica of the original parade with twenty shire horses pulling the cart and the whole town out to cheer it on, including an old lady of 101 who was there at the first parade. So spine tingly watching it!

I'm off to specialist tomorrow. Not sure what to expect, whether he'll put me forward again for the transplant or what as a lot has happened since my last consult with him. I have to write my list of questions tonight of what I want to ask him, as I always forget something and you don't get very long in there with him. And I mustn't be vain and go in looking better than I feel either.
I laid in the bath this morning just looking at my chest and wondering if I was luckily enough to get a transplant, just how far they cut down etc. Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think I would be envisaging that question! It's not that I really want my chest cut open, but it's my only hope now of leading an normal life as my options have run out for me and I want to live very much.
It's a funny old world hey?
Julie bless her, has got the short straw for tomorrow. At least I can cry directly onto her shoulder tomorrow and not down the telephone while sitting in a lay by as after previous consults. I do find these appointments very stressful now. Well what happens happens.

Lots of love Debbie x

A new dawn and new day

Feeling brighter today and more on solid ground again.

Had a long chat with Ruth this morning which helped enormously. Ruth who is the head physio team and is the voice of all reason, well my reason. She has always seemed to be able to calm me down and not laugh at any of my little niggles that I come across.
We talked about my big decision which I have been contemplating which will be revealed in time, after of course that I have it certain in my head and spoke to the correct people.

Even managed a trip to the shops on my own today. Only because I had to go, as I had hardly anything of Barbara's goodie bag left in my fridge. And mainly because all my friends were running around after my mother and I didn't want them to spend the whole of their weekend running after me and my mother. Plus Ruth's talk had made me feel a lot stronger, although she did reprimand me for telling strangers who annoy me to, ' drop dead, so I can have their lungs'
Ok, I won't say that again, well not unless they really pee me off!

Weighed myself today and I have actually lost nearly a stone. Mmm so why doesn't it show that much? Alright I have been weighing myself of mother's scales and they are probably dodgy like most things in her bungalow! But my bungalow smells of fish now after my healthy dinner of baked mackerel and I have been really good in not having anything in my fridge that could tempt me, well apart from a few cans of Pimms, but I can't be a total angel can I?
I must remember now though to remove my oxygen specs when blowing out the scented candle in the kitchen. I've already had one disaster from healthy food!

Ohh and on my food shopping trip... I brought some Bach flower rescue remedy, so things are improving I promise.

Lots of love Debbie x

Sorry, sorry, sorry

Apologises to anyone who reads this as this really is a blog to kill yourself by at the moment, as it's so depressing it should have Morrisy playing in the back ground!
I'm so sorry I really am. I'm sorry to anyone that I've snarled at in the past couple of weeks, so that includes my mother and Ann. I'm sorry to anyone that I've let down that includes my mother again, Barbara and Sam, plus anyone that has to cover for me at work, but for some reason you still call me and care about me.
So thank you to everyone that have stuck by me and listened when I'm crying, on the verge of crying and have just finished crying and that includes mother yet again, I do appreciate you all very much, more than you know. For my friends that have trailed around the shops today on their day off to get me some super strength echinacea in the vain hope that I can build my immunity up again and sorry Julie and Natalie for making you jump through hoops for my Bach flower rememdy only for me to change my mind.
I will do better I promise.

Short and sweet today as I feel my hand reaching for the box of tissues yet again!

Lots of love Debbie x

Round 1

Thank goodness for good friends.
The sort that come and pick up your mother and take her to the doctors for her flu jab, because there was no way on earth I could have got my weary butt up in time. And the best thing was I didn't have to even ask as two of my friends both offered before I admitted defeat that I wasn't going to be able to do it however noble my intentions.
I was feeling a lot better today, but they foresaw the problems that had niggled me which I thought I could conquer... er no... I may have felt better, but it wasn't until about 1pm before I actually realised that I felt better, if that makes any sense and mother's appointment was 9.40am.
Thank you to Ann and Barbara for being realistic and kind.

Although I actually managed to break out of the bungalow for an hour, as Ann offered to push me around Freeport, well a little corner of it, but was so lovely to get out. I even managed to buy something to wear.
Mind you I was so knackered when I got home and all I did was sit with the most energetic thing I did was opening my purse!
So glad that the conkers that I've placed around the bungalow seem to be keeping the spiders at bay, as I think if I had to try and catch one at the moment, you just might be calling an ambulance for me as I'm still trying to remember how to walk and breath at the moment without my head and chest trying to burst open like something out of an Alien film!
What's the betting though, I get an army of spiders passing through tonight as it's wet outside now?

Ok I'm not quite ready to do a marathon just yet, but I am making progress and I still haven't cried!

Lots of love Debbie x

Stop the crying

Hoorah I have survived 24hrs without crying although I've had a couple of moments where I have nearly sprung a leak. I do however feel as if I have been repeatedly beaten up as every bone in my body aches at the moment, especially when I walk. When I'm unleashed from the oxygen concentrator, I get horribly out of breath when I walk too. So today I have sat down a lot, seemed the most sensible thing to do really.
I don't know whether it's the cold my mother and sister had or extreme tiredness which Sadie thought or what has been going around the office, but I know I feel crappier than I have for a long while, more so than when I had pneumonia.
Also when I am off the oxygen leash, I have a phantom tube around my neck, well that's what it feels like as I can still feel the tubing under my chin making my throat feel dry. I have heard the people that have escaped the hangman's noose feel the rope for a long while afterwards, so I sympathise with them.
So apart from the phantom tubing and the phantom sack of spuds across my shoulders and a rather heavy heart, everything in my world is just dandy.

I do a lot of thinking at this time of night, which is 12.15am just for the record and I don't feel as plagued with guilt as I did yesterday. Yesterday I felt I'd let down my mother, Barbara and Sam terribly. Sam because she was left to cope yet again at work. Barbara because she had brought me tickets to see Michael Buble and I feel too crap to go on Sunday. But my mother made me cry the most as I really snapped at her and she got so upset thinking that I would stop loving her because she felt she was a nuisance. God mother never in a thousand years would I stop loving you. And before anyone thinks she knows what strings to pull, no way that was fear and panic in her voice. Anyone that has ever had a child stop speaking to them would know that fear that you get in case someone else that you love stops loving you too and that pain grips your heart with ice.
But today, Barbara bless her, just wants me to get better and will take Alan to the concert, so I'm not to worry and Sam just wants me to get better too, as she says it's only work although she misses my moaning.
So although I still feel worse than when I have been admitted into hospital at other times and I know for a fact my stats are lower than when I've been rushed in, I can stop the carrying the guilt at least and just concentrate on getting better.
As for my mum she loves me and she knows I love her which is the most important thing. We love each other unconditionaly, although we moan like hell about each other and that's a good love!

It's a funny old world really isn't it.

Lots of love Debbie x