A brighter day all round today not only weather wise, but my temperament too. I have been walking around with a permanent deep scowl on my face just lately, that if I took my mother's advice and wore a hat outside, then it could be screwed onto my head!
Still my washing is on the line and a brand new brave face to crack on with the minefield that they call 'pensions plans'.
Jack came over again for another go armed with some more details and spent ages talking to CAB on my behalf, bless him.
It's amazing when you are lacking oxygen that everything becomes a trial. I look at people when they are talking and it's almost like they are talking a foreign language which is pretty sad of me really, as I used to be so on the ball.
I think it's this fear that you only have one shot at getting your pension right or you live with it for the rest of your days. I'm sure it's not as drastic as that, but with all these programmes on the TV about people committing fraud, that I'm petrified of getting something wrong and spending time in her Majesties hotel sewing mail bags and worse, handing over half my pension back to the government.
I just know that I would have to share a cell with a huge butch woman, that would tie me up with my oxygen tubes, so I would became her sex toy!
I said to Ruth, my physio today that I feel constantly stressed up to the eyeballs and scared of anything and everything. I know it's only a blip, but I am wondering if my shoulders will ever relax enough to come down from around my ears ever again!
Still, I have been asked today if Ican appear in our housing assocation's news letter about having my shower installed. Apparantly I was the 500th job to be completed or something like that. So fame and fortune coming my way, but not till Friday so I have chance to do my roots!
Lots of love Debbie x
About Me
- Me...Debbie Burden... or known as Burders
- I'll be 55 this August... I've had bronchiectasis for ten years plus this year... End stage lung disease for the past year...been on oxygen for three years... and have I got used to it yet?... nah! I am now waiting for the biggie; a double lung and maybe a heart transplant. I love my life weirdly enough, because I have some wonderful family and friends who are with me every step of the way on my adventures, even though I embarrass them on a daily basis with my unorthodox way of looking at life. Not for the faint hearted!
Monday 31 January 2011
Sunday 30 January 2011
I came and I conquered
Sunday and the day after the day before and I feel like the star in a zombie film.
Actually yesterday went very well in London, well apart from plan A, B and C all going slightly awry and where I went straight to plan V thanks to a slight oversight and a technical hitch.
Plan V being called that because it was Very annoying that my plan C ran out of battery power and Very annoying because I had actually looked at the battery before I left and meant to take a spare one with me. Even with my dodgy memory and my dodgy calculations it had been a while since I had changed it and that would have been plan D, a D battery back up.
Still, I learnt a new skill and that was how to override the pulsar where the battery is stored so I could just get a constant flow. Plus I was able to continue into the wee hours with only a few slight panic attacks, which I think I covered up reasonably well, mainly because everyone on the party bus was drunk and without me suffering any major problems!
We were a few minutes late getting to the Ice Bar thanks to a large queue of people needing the toilet at Brenda's, but as I was one of those naughty people, I'm not complaining. The amount of fizz that we were all drinking on the party bus, had to come out some time and there were bottle corks popping off non stop on the two hour journey there.
Thankfully a sober person hung back to push me to the bar as the other willing drunken friends who were all offering, I was not going to let anywhere near me. Believe me, London buses whizzing past you when you are in a wheelchair at a zebra crossing is a very scary thing, let alone if you are reliant on a person whose judgements are severely compromised!
When we arrived at the bar, a very kind attendant covered me in a large thermal cloak and pushed me straight into the Ice bar room even though I said I'd get out and walk in.
It was lovely in there, although a lot colder than I remembered from last time, especially as someone knocked my drink off the bar straight into my lap within ten minutes of arriving, while I was trying to adjust my gloves properly! I'd only had one sip as well... dammit! The trousers which I had hurriedly dried the night before, were drenched again... bummer.
Our meal which was served in the fire themed restaurant, was lovely, rich and very tasty. Plus it was nice to warm up again. In fact I was a little bit grateful in the end to being pushed straight in, as my feet were safely up off the ground on footplates where everyone else's were complaining of how cold their feet were. I guess I was lucky after all that my offer to walk in was rejected by the kind attendant.
The journey back to the two party buses was a little bit more hair raising, as everyone had been drinking by then and Derek who was the in charge of me, took off with my face in Gforce, across the road just as the lights were changing... dear god, I am so thankfully that looks are deceiving and he can run a lot faster than the mean looking taxi driver with the evil glint in his eye thought!
Today, all alarm clocks were turned off and this mumma was not going anywhere. I did attempt to get up at 10am, but decided just to perform my drug routine and to record my stats on the docobo as missing it twice, might have earned me a telling off from the Respiratory team and then I went back to bed, rolled over to go back to sleep. Bliss.
I didn't wake up until the bed stopped feeling warm and toasty, and my sore throat (from singing 'Build me up Buttercup' on the way to London obviously!) really needed a big cup of tea desperately.
So I did it and I enjoyed 95% of it and best of all I have more lovely memories to treasure when the going gets tough, which I suspect it will.
I love you Julie for giving me that extra push when I doubt myself, but also knowing when to back off too.
Big hugs angel xxx
Lots of love Debbie x
Actually yesterday went very well in London, well apart from plan A, B and C all going slightly awry and where I went straight to plan V thanks to a slight oversight and a technical hitch.
Plan V being called that because it was Very annoying that my plan C ran out of battery power and Very annoying because I had actually looked at the battery before I left and meant to take a spare one with me. Even with my dodgy memory and my dodgy calculations it had been a while since I had changed it and that would have been plan D, a D battery back up.
Still, I learnt a new skill and that was how to override the pulsar where the battery is stored so I could just get a constant flow. Plus I was able to continue into the wee hours with only a few slight panic attacks, which I think I covered up reasonably well, mainly because everyone on the party bus was drunk and without me suffering any major problems!
We were a few minutes late getting to the Ice Bar thanks to a large queue of people needing the toilet at Brenda's, but as I was one of those naughty people, I'm not complaining. The amount of fizz that we were all drinking on the party bus, had to come out some time and there were bottle corks popping off non stop on the two hour journey there.
Thankfully a sober person hung back to push me to the bar as the other willing drunken friends who were all offering, I was not going to let anywhere near me. Believe me, London buses whizzing past you when you are in a wheelchair at a zebra crossing is a very scary thing, let alone if you are reliant on a person whose judgements are severely compromised!
When we arrived at the bar, a very kind attendant covered me in a large thermal cloak and pushed me straight into the Ice bar room even though I said I'd get out and walk in.
It was lovely in there, although a lot colder than I remembered from last time, especially as someone knocked my drink off the bar straight into my lap within ten minutes of arriving, while I was trying to adjust my gloves properly! I'd only had one sip as well... dammit! The trousers which I had hurriedly dried the night before, were drenched again... bummer.
Our meal which was served in the fire themed restaurant, was lovely, rich and very tasty. Plus it was nice to warm up again. In fact I was a little bit grateful in the end to being pushed straight in, as my feet were safely up off the ground on footplates where everyone else's were complaining of how cold their feet were. I guess I was lucky after all that my offer to walk in was rejected by the kind attendant.
The journey back to the two party buses was a little bit more hair raising, as everyone had been drinking by then and Derek who was the in charge of me, took off with my face in Gforce, across the road just as the lights were changing... dear god, I am so thankfully that looks are deceiving and he can run a lot faster than the mean looking taxi driver with the evil glint in his eye thought!
Today, all alarm clocks were turned off and this mumma was not going anywhere. I did attempt to get up at 10am, but decided just to perform my drug routine and to record my stats on the docobo as missing it twice, might have earned me a telling off from the Respiratory team and then I went back to bed, rolled over to go back to sleep. Bliss.
I didn't wake up until the bed stopped feeling warm and toasty, and my sore throat (from singing 'Build me up Buttercup' on the way to London obviously!) really needed a big cup of tea desperately.
So I did it and I enjoyed 95% of it and best of all I have more lovely memories to treasure when the going gets tough, which I suspect it will.
I love you Julie for giving me that extra push when I doubt myself, but also knowing when to back off too.
Big hugs angel xxx
Lots of love Debbie x
Friday 28 January 2011
A cunning plan A, B and C
Up early for me, to fetch Natalie's cupcakes for her birthday bash tomorrow at the Ice bar. I do hope she loves them as I have scratch marks complete with bruises down my legs from the two Staffs that the lady who makes the cakes owns, when they were 'only jumping up being friendly.'
Do I jump up on people when I'm being friendly?
Er yes I forgot I do, so moving on.... So London tomorrow Yay! Am I worried? Nah not me... Of course I bloody am. I'm sure it will be fine, if not I'll just drink myself to sleep and when I wake up, I'll be home. I just like to fine plan it down to the last detail, plan A, plan B and plan C in case A and B don't work.
Another day of conflicting advice from the so called professionals. I've decided to wait now until Monday when Jacko comes over again and his level headed dogginess will sort out the amateurs from the professionals, where I on the other hand, would swoon, faint and then cry while cussing everyone of them once I'd put the phone down after I had thanked them for their time.
See my manners are tiptop if nothing else.
Must be feeling tired as even a trip to the cinema couldn't lure me out. Mind you it is freezing out there and I've had a hot bath and am now feeling really snuggly. I have my can of Pimm's (so convenient in a can as I don't even dirty a glass!) and I have an ice cold Galaxy Ripple, now life doesn't get any better than that! Besides one whiff of a tear jerker moment in a film or a trailer come to that and I would be inconsolable in the dark and probably would have got us both thrown out.
Bed time soon as little lady, you have a busy day tomorrow!
Lots of love Debbie x
Do I jump up on people when I'm being friendly?
Er yes I forgot I do, so moving on.... So London tomorrow Yay! Am I worried? Nah not me... Of course I bloody am. I'm sure it will be fine, if not I'll just drink myself to sleep and when I wake up, I'll be home. I just like to fine plan it down to the last detail, plan A, plan B and plan C in case A and B don't work.
Another day of conflicting advice from the so called professionals. I've decided to wait now until Monday when Jacko comes over again and his level headed dogginess will sort out the amateurs from the professionals, where I on the other hand, would swoon, faint and then cry while cussing everyone of them once I'd put the phone down after I had thanked them for their time.
See my manners are tiptop if nothing else.
Must be feeling tired as even a trip to the cinema couldn't lure me out. Mind you it is freezing out there and I've had a hot bath and am now feeling really snuggly. I have my can of Pimm's (so convenient in a can as I don't even dirty a glass!) and I have an ice cold Galaxy Ripple, now life doesn't get any better than that! Besides one whiff of a tear jerker moment in a film or a trailer come to that and I would be inconsolable in the dark and probably would have got us both thrown out.
Bed time soon as little lady, you have a busy day tomorrow!
Lots of love Debbie x
Thursday 27 January 2011
Get a grip woman
Another day of sun and follicks... my arse.
I spoke to the worst bank adviser in the whole wide world today. I know he had a cold bless him, but I never gave it to him, so why be nasty to me?!
I asked him if by any chance if my payments of my pension and benefits go horribly wrong, what would happen as I don't have an overdraft, how could I pay my rent etc.
The kind sensitive soul told me I couldn't have an overdraft, no reason given apart from the fact that I knew that I was made bankrupt six years ago and he wasn't actually brave enough to tell me that. His totally brilliant advise was when I start running out of money, to cancel my direct debits and standing orders until it was sorted, end of advice.
Oooo how clever... not.
My advice to him, I didn't share with him either as I didn't think would help my cause, but I had yet another cry after I put the phone down and resolved to call again tomorrow to try again to talk with someone more superior than the office twat.
I got my sick certificate, but only dated till 13th of February, not helpful, but the doctors receptionist did order me another and photocopied my divorce paper for the pension people, both very helpful.
Ruth came to give me extra physio and said that the stress wasn't making my breathing any good at all, also the headache without the pain yesterday sounded very much like I was close to a black out, also not very good. So to stay on oxygen longer for the next couple of days as staying stress free was not an option the way things were going.
Thankfully Jacko sent some facts and figures over with Lynn and there maybe light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I'd get an over the phone hug from my youngest son when he called me and I had a little whine, but was told off by him! Eek that wasn't expected, ok he wasn't nasty, but just jolly firm and it wasn't as nice as an over the phone cuddle which was much needed. I know he was trying to fire me up to take them on rather than giving up, but Ooo it did take me aback a bit.
I do wonder sometimes why I bother getting up in the morning you know on days like this.
Lots of love Debbie x
I spoke to the worst bank adviser in the whole wide world today. I know he had a cold bless him, but I never gave it to him, so why be nasty to me?!
I asked him if by any chance if my payments of my pension and benefits go horribly wrong, what would happen as I don't have an overdraft, how could I pay my rent etc.
The kind sensitive soul told me I couldn't have an overdraft, no reason given apart from the fact that I knew that I was made bankrupt six years ago and he wasn't actually brave enough to tell me that. His totally brilliant advise was when I start running out of money, to cancel my direct debits and standing orders until it was sorted, end of advice.
Oooo how clever... not.
My advice to him, I didn't share with him either as I didn't think would help my cause, but I had yet another cry after I put the phone down and resolved to call again tomorrow to try again to talk with someone more superior than the office twat.
I got my sick certificate, but only dated till 13th of February, not helpful, but the doctors receptionist did order me another and photocopied my divorce paper for the pension people, both very helpful.
Ruth came to give me extra physio and said that the stress wasn't making my breathing any good at all, also the headache without the pain yesterday sounded very much like I was close to a black out, also not very good. So to stay on oxygen longer for the next couple of days as staying stress free was not an option the way things were going.
Thankfully Jacko sent some facts and figures over with Lynn and there maybe light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I'd get an over the phone hug from my youngest son when he called me and I had a little whine, but was told off by him! Eek that wasn't expected, ok he wasn't nasty, but just jolly firm and it wasn't as nice as an over the phone cuddle which was much needed. I know he was trying to fire me up to take them on rather than giving up, but Ooo it did take me aback a bit.
I do wonder sometimes why I bother getting up in the morning you know on days like this.
Lots of love Debbie x
Wednesday 26 January 2011
My name is Atilla the Hun
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum! Why is nothing in my life straight forward? Was I Atilla the Hun or Hitler's love bunny in my previous life, because I must have been something really bad to get this much crap thrown at me on a daily basis.
I'm a nice person honestly, I love my mother 97% of the time and do anything to try and keep her well, safe and happy. I'd take a bullet for my kids even when they've made me cry. I always apologised if I've been rude to anyone, ok that's quite a lot of apologising and I've only ever killed one hedgehog and that was through kindness by feeding it bread, milk and ready brek. How was I to know that they can't digest that, I never forced it to eat two plates full!?
Today's little problem or should I say 'problem' pural were...
1; Still no letter about CAT scan. Specialist's PA said she requested another CAT scan the same day that I cocked up and she hasn't heard nothing as yet. She suggested to me that I also call them, which I did and they haven't heard diddley squat. Must be caught in the system they reckon. Ok so who is telling porkies here, at least I admitted I was a prat?
2; Jobseekers need a sick note to tide me over from work till they sort out my benefits. I requested one from my doctors and it's gone over to the other surgery by mistake.
3; The pension details came through and they won't be paying just yet as they haven't got all my details. Arrrggghh why wait till the day I finished before asking for my divorce papers and bank details etc, why, why????
4; Looks like I could actually have got more money in my lump sum if I had traded some of my pension in. Jack has taken the details away to check it over, before I sign anything bless him, so only half a problem. The real problem was remembering whether I've already agreed to anything?!
5; Had a headache so bad that couldn't even see my mate Lynn who was sitting right next to me and Jack who in front of me was covered in bright lights... weird thing was, my head wasn't hurting that much, just felt whoozy?? Tumour as well now?
I am now going to bed and hopefully when I wake up, there will be blue birds singing outside my window 'Whistle while you work', the three good fairies would make sure that there are envelopes on the doormat all saying that everything is sorted out for me and there will be a pair of red glitter shoes by the side of my bed with a note saying 'click here for Papworth and new lungs!' .... Yeah right.
Lots of love Debbie x
I'm a nice person honestly, I love my mother 97% of the time and do anything to try and keep her well, safe and happy. I'd take a bullet for my kids even when they've made me cry. I always apologised if I've been rude to anyone, ok that's quite a lot of apologising and I've only ever killed one hedgehog and that was through kindness by feeding it bread, milk and ready brek. How was I to know that they can't digest that, I never forced it to eat two plates full!?
Today's little problem or should I say 'problem' pural were...
1; Still no letter about CAT scan. Specialist's PA said she requested another CAT scan the same day that I cocked up and she hasn't heard nothing as yet. She suggested to me that I also call them, which I did and they haven't heard diddley squat. Must be caught in the system they reckon. Ok so who is telling porkies here, at least I admitted I was a prat?
2; Jobseekers need a sick note to tide me over from work till they sort out my benefits. I requested one from my doctors and it's gone over to the other surgery by mistake.
3; The pension details came through and they won't be paying just yet as they haven't got all my details. Arrrggghh why wait till the day I finished before asking for my divorce papers and bank details etc, why, why????
4; Looks like I could actually have got more money in my lump sum if I had traded some of my pension in. Jack has taken the details away to check it over, before I sign anything bless him, so only half a problem. The real problem was remembering whether I've already agreed to anything?!
5; Had a headache so bad that couldn't even see my mate Lynn who was sitting right next to me and Jack who in front of me was covered in bright lights... weird thing was, my head wasn't hurting that much, just felt whoozy?? Tumour as well now?
I am now going to bed and hopefully when I wake up, there will be blue birds singing outside my window 'Whistle while you work', the three good fairies would make sure that there are envelopes on the doormat all saying that everything is sorted out for me and there will be a pair of red glitter shoes by the side of my bed with a note saying 'click here for Papworth and new lungs!' .... Yeah right.
Lots of love Debbie x
Tuesday 25 January 2011
Into the breach we go again
A fairly good night's sleep last night, which was a great relief. No evil smells coming up from under the bedclothes and no midnight coughing and choking.
Although I felt weird today.
Today is my last day in full time or part time paid employment and it feels horrible, like I'm sitting on top of a bridge with my legs dangling over the side. It's the feeling of not knowing how this going to end.
The only other time I have felt so out of control of my life was when I was just about to go bankrupt. I want to be able to support myself and I can't anymore and it feels awful like I have let myself down yet again and everyone who pays tax.
No doubt when the benefits are all sorted, then I will settle into a routine again like I did when my bankruptcy came through and I came back stronger then, but not till after spending a lot of nights crying into my cup of tea. But until then I have nothing to fall back on and I feel very vulnerable having to rely on my company getting their act together or whether the government will cut benefits again and again.
At rehab today, Sadie thought I was sounding a bit confused and she was right, but whether its this bloody infection taking it's toll on me or whether I'm hypoxic or my imminent passage in to the world of the unemployed, I don't know, but what I do know is I'll be glad when today is over and everything is settled.
Lots of love Debbie x
Although I felt weird today.
Today is my last day in full time or part time paid employment and it feels horrible, like I'm sitting on top of a bridge with my legs dangling over the side. It's the feeling of not knowing how this going to end.
The only other time I have felt so out of control of my life was when I was just about to go bankrupt. I want to be able to support myself and I can't anymore and it feels awful like I have let myself down yet again and everyone who pays tax.
No doubt when the benefits are all sorted, then I will settle into a routine again like I did when my bankruptcy came through and I came back stronger then, but not till after spending a lot of nights crying into my cup of tea. But until then I have nothing to fall back on and I feel very vulnerable having to rely on my company getting their act together or whether the government will cut benefits again and again.
At rehab today, Sadie thought I was sounding a bit confused and she was right, but whether its this bloody infection taking it's toll on me or whether I'm hypoxic or my imminent passage in to the world of the unemployed, I don't know, but what I do know is I'll be glad when today is over and everything is settled.
Lots of love Debbie x
Monday 24 January 2011
Fight night
In the words of the song 'Oh what a night', last night certainly was one to remember. Maybe I shouldn't have drunk a very small glass of wine while taking antibiotics or maybe I shouldn't watch plays about vampires, ghosts and werewolves late at night, but oh lordy did I have disturbed dreams or what.
Mind you I had been producing enough wind to propel a small wind farm all day where my stomach was upset. Now this could have been the evil neeps on Saturday night or the build up from the tretracycline, the jury is still out and so was the evil smelling wind come to that!
Come bed time, I was tossing and turning and sleep was not cometh. The duvet was on and then kicked off. I was running hot and then needing the duvet around me.
When I did drop off, I was having quite vivid dreams until the moment I woke up choking.
Now I am not sure whether I had tried to cough and inhaled at the same time or that my throat had relaxed a little too much and closed over? Or the oxygen tubing had got caught around my neck when tossing, but I know it brought tears to my eyes and panic through every part of me, because I thought I was on my way out where I couldn't breathe.
This spasm probably only lasted for seconds, but it seemed like a life time and then followed by the coughing, the gagging and then I was finally sick and luckily for me in the toilet.
I did sleep after that lot!
Thankfully apart from a burning sensation in my nose and a bit of a rough throat, I woke up feeling okish, slow but okish.
I'll have a chat tomorrow at clinic about it and see what caused it as I've had it before and I don't actually want it to happen again if possible! Definitely not nice.
The rest of the day passed by with no problems including no wind. I had a visit from my friend which was rather lovely catching up as I never get chance to talk to her properly when I pop into work and then Reni came round and trimmed my hair, before finding my bookmark... yay! Where had the Gremlins left it? Down the side of the sofa. Had I looked there at least a hundred times before? 'Yeah, yeah, yeah' Reni said as she pulled it out.
Lots of love Debbie x
Mind you I had been producing enough wind to propel a small wind farm all day where my stomach was upset. Now this could have been the evil neeps on Saturday night or the build up from the tretracycline, the jury is still out and so was the evil smelling wind come to that!
Come bed time, I was tossing and turning and sleep was not cometh. The duvet was on and then kicked off. I was running hot and then needing the duvet around me.
When I did drop off, I was having quite vivid dreams until the moment I woke up choking.
Now I am not sure whether I had tried to cough and inhaled at the same time or that my throat had relaxed a little too much and closed over? Or the oxygen tubing had got caught around my neck when tossing, but I know it brought tears to my eyes and panic through every part of me, because I thought I was on my way out where I couldn't breathe.
This spasm probably only lasted for seconds, but it seemed like a life time and then followed by the coughing, the gagging and then I was finally sick and luckily for me in the toilet.
I did sleep after that lot!
Thankfully apart from a burning sensation in my nose and a bit of a rough throat, I woke up feeling okish, slow but okish.
I'll have a chat tomorrow at clinic about it and see what caused it as I've had it before and I don't actually want it to happen again if possible! Definitely not nice.
The rest of the day passed by with no problems including no wind. I had a visit from my friend which was rather lovely catching up as I never get chance to talk to her properly when I pop into work and then Reni came round and trimmed my hair, before finding my bookmark... yay! Where had the Gremlins left it? Down the side of the sofa. Had I looked there at least a hundred times before? 'Yeah, yeah, yeah' Reni said as she pulled it out.
Lots of love Debbie x
Sunday 23 January 2011
Gremlins have arrived
Mmm just as well there was men in kilts last night at the Burn's Night supper, as the rest of the night wasn't really a success for me. Firstly we had a phone call to say that the heating in the village hall had broken down, so be wrap up in layers.
I was quite pleased that my mother had backed out of coming with us, as I wasn't prepared for just how cold the village hall actually was going to be until we had been sitting there for a couple of hours.
The heaters that they shipped in might have heated parts of the rooms, but the one where we were sitting and just happened to be near two sets of doors that were opening and closing nonstop, didn't actually work!
I ate my dinner while wrapped up in thick clothes and a pashmina wrapped tightly around me. The haggis was yummy, the tatties were rather lumpy and the neeps were a horrible orange stroke brown colour to the extent that we wondered if they had been cooked in their skins and tasted really rather oily.
By the time the first lot of dancing was over the hall had warmed up a little, but when everyone sat down to have the raffle and listen to the pipers, the hall cooled down rapidly and as I can't dance, our coats went on in our little corner. I even had the pashmina over my legs at one point! At that point I gave up and went home.
I won't say I didn't enjoy it as I did, but I was glad to get home in the warm. Plus Oliver's music was on CSI NY and I was itching to hear it. It was a bit of a sticky moral moment to say the least when my son's TV debate clashed with something that had been planned for a long while. But to say I was a proud mother was an understatement, as if I was a footballer, I would have been running around the football pitch with my shirt over my head shouting.... Yeeeess that's my boy then airplaning onto the grass!
Today has been a wee bit odd, as I've had an unsettled tummy for most of the day. I'm not blaming the neeps, but I'm not letting them off the hook either, as I didn't get a very good nights sleep at all. Lots of tossing and turning.
I watched Oliver's piece at least another.. Ooo ten times and then cooked for mother again. Really felt odd all day... No likey. And eat... I've been back and forth to the kitchen all day and evening as if on a conveyor belt just trying to find something that doesn't make me fart or give me stomach cramps. Definitely no likey.
And weirdly enough to top it all, I think I have gremlins in the bungalow. I have lost my silver bookmark that my friend brought me into thin air.
I was sitting reading with my bookmark across the open pages to keep them open, the book on my lap. My mobile which was next to me rang, which when I picked up the six inch bookmark fell to the floor, by the time I went to pick it up off the floor the book mark had gone?!
Hello???
Now I have looked everywhere and I mean everywhere, even in the weirdest of places and zilch.
Maybe tomorrow when my stomach has settled and I can crawl on the floor without emptying my lungs and I might find it. Till then...
Lots of love Debbie x
I was quite pleased that my mother had backed out of coming with us, as I wasn't prepared for just how cold the village hall actually was going to be until we had been sitting there for a couple of hours.
The heaters that they shipped in might have heated parts of the rooms, but the one where we were sitting and just happened to be near two sets of doors that were opening and closing nonstop, didn't actually work!
I ate my dinner while wrapped up in thick clothes and a pashmina wrapped tightly around me. The haggis was yummy, the tatties were rather lumpy and the neeps were a horrible orange stroke brown colour to the extent that we wondered if they had been cooked in their skins and tasted really rather oily.
By the time the first lot of dancing was over the hall had warmed up a little, but when everyone sat down to have the raffle and listen to the pipers, the hall cooled down rapidly and as I can't dance, our coats went on in our little corner. I even had the pashmina over my legs at one point! At that point I gave up and went home.
I won't say I didn't enjoy it as I did, but I was glad to get home in the warm. Plus Oliver's music was on CSI NY and I was itching to hear it. It was a bit of a sticky moral moment to say the least when my son's TV debate clashed with something that had been planned for a long while. But to say I was a proud mother was an understatement, as if I was a footballer, I would have been running around the football pitch with my shirt over my head shouting.... Yeeeess that's my boy then airplaning onto the grass!
Today has been a wee bit odd, as I've had an unsettled tummy for most of the day. I'm not blaming the neeps, but I'm not letting them off the hook either, as I didn't get a very good nights sleep at all. Lots of tossing and turning.
I watched Oliver's piece at least another.. Ooo ten times and then cooked for mother again. Really felt odd all day... No likey. And eat... I've been back and forth to the kitchen all day and evening as if on a conveyor belt just trying to find something that doesn't make me fart or give me stomach cramps. Definitely no likey.
And weirdly enough to top it all, I think I have gremlins in the bungalow. I have lost my silver bookmark that my friend brought me into thin air.
I was sitting reading with my bookmark across the open pages to keep them open, the book on my lap. My mobile which was next to me rang, which when I picked up the six inch bookmark fell to the floor, by the time I went to pick it up off the floor the book mark had gone?!
Hello???
Now I have looked everywhere and I mean everywhere, even in the weirdest of places and zilch.
Maybe tomorrow when my stomach has settled and I can crawl on the floor without emptying my lungs and I might find it. Till then...
Lots of love Debbie x
Saturday 22 January 2011
Wahey Mr Burns
Gawd dammit why is it when I watch any dance movie that I end up blubbering like I've just found out that my baby puppy dog has just been run over?!
Actually it doesn't even have to be a film, a good bit of dancing on 'strictly come dancing' or even from 'dancing on ice', with have me sniveling, but a dance movie will have me crying for England.
There is something about watching dancers that really bring out the emotions in me and always have. I guess I've always wanted to be a dancer and in my head I was a really cool mover, where in fact I looked like an elephant having an epileptic fit... not quite the look I was aiming for.
But lack of grace and coordination never got in my way, because as the music started, I wanted to get up there on the dance floor and usually did, on my own as Julie would always utter the words 'soon' unless she was drunk.
As a child I wanted to be a ballet dancer or an ice skater and loved it when the snow came when we lived on the farm, as the big ice puddles in the field next door were my stage and I WAS GREAT! Then I wanted to be a Gogo dancer or one of 'Pan's People' and look slim and flexible as I gyrated about. From 18 years old I never was slim.
I guess that is the one main thing that makes me sad and that is I can't dance anymore, apart from when with Robin, who will hold me and my oxygen up so I can dance to one of my favourite songs and then I can collapse happily for the rest of the night.
It also makes me very sad that people won't dance for fear of making a fool of themselves... who gives a shite, get up there and let yourself go as there is a Fred Astaire and Beyonce in all of us just bursting to get out and not only is it fun, but such good exercise.
Tonight I will go and watch others dancing at the Burn's night supper. I won't mind watching as being the perv that I am, I can watch the men swishing about in their kilts. Even a butt ugly man looks very desirable from behind in a kilt, something to do with the way the kilts swish to and fro as they walk. Plus I get haggis, neeps and tatties... Mmmmm
I know I haven't anything left in me than just to leer tonight, as I have gone out solo for the first time today to food shop and it's left me knackered.
I do miss my little Nissan Esprit as it took less energy to drive. I know my Note is lovely and I'm very pleased to have it, but reversing does take more out of me than in my old little car.
My Esprit was what they called an intelligent car too.. god knows, one of us had to be and I have serious doubts about my intellect! But as long as you had the key fob on your whereabouts somewhere, you didn't need to use keys at all. The amount of people that looked shocked when they asked if I had left the doors open all day!
It also worked out when you needed your lights and wipers on too, front and back windows would de-ice themselves as soon as you switched on and it was so easy to park.
I know; an intelligent car for the bone idle.
But alas it wasn't big enough for my wheelchair without me killing myself getting it in and out and as I feel like a wet lettuce today. My Note will do very nicely and will get me down to the village hall in style to fill my belly and to ogle the men. Everyone a winner!
Lots of love Debbie x
Actually it doesn't even have to be a film, a good bit of dancing on 'strictly come dancing' or even from 'dancing on ice', with have me sniveling, but a dance movie will have me crying for England.
There is something about watching dancers that really bring out the emotions in me and always have. I guess I've always wanted to be a dancer and in my head I was a really cool mover, where in fact I looked like an elephant having an epileptic fit... not quite the look I was aiming for.
But lack of grace and coordination never got in my way, because as the music started, I wanted to get up there on the dance floor and usually did, on my own as Julie would always utter the words 'soon' unless she was drunk.
As a child I wanted to be a ballet dancer or an ice skater and loved it when the snow came when we lived on the farm, as the big ice puddles in the field next door were my stage and I WAS GREAT! Then I wanted to be a Gogo dancer or one of 'Pan's People' and look slim and flexible as I gyrated about. From 18 years old I never was slim.
I guess that is the one main thing that makes me sad and that is I can't dance anymore, apart from when with Robin, who will hold me and my oxygen up so I can dance to one of my favourite songs and then I can collapse happily for the rest of the night.
It also makes me very sad that people won't dance for fear of making a fool of themselves... who gives a shite, get up there and let yourself go as there is a Fred Astaire and Beyonce in all of us just bursting to get out and not only is it fun, but such good exercise.
Tonight I will go and watch others dancing at the Burn's night supper. I won't mind watching as being the perv that I am, I can watch the men swishing about in their kilts. Even a butt ugly man looks very desirable from behind in a kilt, something to do with the way the kilts swish to and fro as they walk. Plus I get haggis, neeps and tatties... Mmmmm
I know I haven't anything left in me than just to leer tonight, as I have gone out solo for the first time today to food shop and it's left me knackered.
I do miss my little Nissan Esprit as it took less energy to drive. I know my Note is lovely and I'm very pleased to have it, but reversing does take more out of me than in my old little car.
My Esprit was what they called an intelligent car too.. god knows, one of us had to be and I have serious doubts about my intellect! But as long as you had the key fob on your whereabouts somewhere, you didn't need to use keys at all. The amount of people that looked shocked when they asked if I had left the doors open all day!
It also worked out when you needed your lights and wipers on too, front and back windows would de-ice themselves as soon as you switched on and it was so easy to park.
I know; an intelligent car for the bone idle.
But alas it wasn't big enough for my wheelchair without me killing myself getting it in and out and as I feel like a wet lettuce today. My Note will do very nicely and will get me down to the village hall in style to fill my belly and to ogle the men. Everyone a winner!
Lots of love Debbie x
Thursday 20 January 2011
For sale.. One pair of lungs
I could keep Kleenex in business single handed. Where the hell does all this phlegm come from?
Ruth very kindly came to give me postural drainage and I was very generous with my donation of phlegm. So much so, I thought that I had blocked my toilet twice with the all tissue goody bags! Yet here I am at 10.46pm and I am still coughing the evil stuff up in great quantities.
If ever I get these new lungs that are being dangled in front of me like the light at the end of the tunnel, this will the one part that I would be so glad to say goodbye to. By God I hate it.
All I did was to bend down to put my dinner plate away and it is like volcano lava making it's way up from my lungs and being spewn out. I know is isn't very nice to read about, but believe me, it's even less nice being the human Mt Etna. In fact you stop feeling human.
If you can't imagine what it's like, then try thinking of yourself being sick and then swap the direction that the contents are coming up from, not from your stomach, but from your lungs and yes, I can bring up as much as you can chuck up! Gross huh?
I feel really tired today. I even fell asleep in the bath and woke up thanks to Julie's phone call with my hair a lot wetter than it should have been and my chin fully submerged in bath water, a tad worrying that I was heavy asleep as the water had gone luke warm too. Even when talking to her, I had trouble keeping my eyes open, let alone get my brain to actually function.
Bless her Julie's daughter came round to see me and I think I kept up with her, but I'm afraid my sister wanted to have a serious chat with me and that was just too far beyond me tonight.
Come on Tetracycline, do your stuff.
Lots of love Debbie x
Ruth very kindly came to give me postural drainage and I was very generous with my donation of phlegm. So much so, I thought that I had blocked my toilet twice with the all tissue goody bags! Yet here I am at 10.46pm and I am still coughing the evil stuff up in great quantities.
If ever I get these new lungs that are being dangled in front of me like the light at the end of the tunnel, this will the one part that I would be so glad to say goodbye to. By God I hate it.
All I did was to bend down to put my dinner plate away and it is like volcano lava making it's way up from my lungs and being spewn out. I know is isn't very nice to read about, but believe me, it's even less nice being the human Mt Etna. In fact you stop feeling human.
If you can't imagine what it's like, then try thinking of yourself being sick and then swap the direction that the contents are coming up from, not from your stomach, but from your lungs and yes, I can bring up as much as you can chuck up! Gross huh?
I feel really tired today. I even fell asleep in the bath and woke up thanks to Julie's phone call with my hair a lot wetter than it should have been and my chin fully submerged in bath water, a tad worrying that I was heavy asleep as the water had gone luke warm too. Even when talking to her, I had trouble keeping my eyes open, let alone get my brain to actually function.
Bless her Julie's daughter came round to see me and I think I kept up with her, but I'm afraid my sister wanted to have a serious chat with me and that was just too far beyond me tonight.
Come on Tetracycline, do your stuff.
Lots of love Debbie x
Wednesday 19 January 2011
Some days you really should stay in bed
You know when you really shouldn't have got out of bed, well that day has arrived. Starting at 6.30am things went very 'pear shape', I went back to sleep I admit, but when I did leap into action I picked up a lot of speed for an old crock.
Unfortunately I hadn't accounted for the heavy frost this morning or my oxygen unit getting frozen on to the mother ship, add on 10 minutes. Nor had I accounted for the time it took me to clear my car windows enough to drive, add on another 10 minutes. Now separately that doesn't sound a lot, but add the two together and you can cover a few miles in 20 minutes especially as I had decided not to go through the flooded parts of Silver End and then I hit bally rush hour... gggrrrggghhh!
Luckily Barbara had actually arrived before me so she could check me in and we could make a dash for the X-Ray department as soon as I arrived. This was the next part and the vital part of when it all went wrong... my scan was yesterday.
It was at that point that I just pulled over and screamed my head off in the car as I attacked my steering wheel and broke down in angry tears. How can they say that when my confirmation letter clearly says... Tuesday the pigging 18th of January. I know when the receptionist called me to make the appointment, she said Wednesday 18th, so why didn't I check the poxy letter when it arrived and then I would have seen there was a pigging mistake and not dragged my weary arse out of bed when my stroppy cockle definitely wanted to stay in the warm!
I then had to apologise to the X-ray department and my specialist's PA, though they both said that they'll try and rush me through and this time I am not to mess it up... that bit I said.
I have met Barbara in some different places for coffee, but Broomfield bleeding hospital has got to be the weirdest especially when we both feel grim!
The only two saving graces of the day was my ex for fgetting my tetracycline for me to get rid of my strep and that my trolley has arrived and it's beautiful.
I didn't ever think the day would come when I got excited about a walking frame, but it is a beautiful electric blue and oh bliss I have a shopping bag and basket on it, get me I'm mobile again!! Thank you to my boys and my daughter-in-law, I love you lots xxx
Lots of love Debbie x
Unfortunately I hadn't accounted for the heavy frost this morning or my oxygen unit getting frozen on to the mother ship, add on 10 minutes. Nor had I accounted for the time it took me to clear my car windows enough to drive, add on another 10 minutes. Now separately that doesn't sound a lot, but add the two together and you can cover a few miles in 20 minutes especially as I had decided not to go through the flooded parts of Silver End and then I hit bally rush hour... gggrrrggghhh!
Luckily Barbara had actually arrived before me so she could check me in and we could make a dash for the X-Ray department as soon as I arrived. This was the next part and the vital part of when it all went wrong... my scan was yesterday.
It was at that point that I just pulled over and screamed my head off in the car as I attacked my steering wheel and broke down in angry tears. How can they say that when my confirmation letter clearly says... Tuesday the pigging 18th of January. I know when the receptionist called me to make the appointment, she said Wednesday 18th, so why didn't I check the poxy letter when it arrived and then I would have seen there was a pigging mistake and not dragged my weary arse out of bed when my stroppy cockle definitely wanted to stay in the warm!
I then had to apologise to the X-ray department and my specialist's PA, though they both said that they'll try and rush me through and this time I am not to mess it up... that bit I said.
I have met Barbara in some different places for coffee, but Broomfield bleeding hospital has got to be the weirdest especially when we both feel grim!
The only two saving graces of the day was my ex for fgetting my tetracycline for me to get rid of my strep and that my trolley has arrived and it's beautiful.
I didn't ever think the day would come when I got excited about a walking frame, but it is a beautiful electric blue and oh bliss I have a shopping bag and basket on it, get me I'm mobile again!! Thank you to my boys and my daughter-in-law, I love you lots xxx
Lots of love Debbie x
Tuesday 18 January 2011
I have the hump
Before I start, it's not been all doom and gloom today, as first thing this morning I took the bull by the horns and called the 'Jobsekers' people to find out about making a claim for benefits and it wasn't half as painful as I thought. Thankfully the lady on the other end of the line was kind and patient with me. And I surprised myself by getting together nearly all the information that I needed before I started and what I didn't have next to me, I could put my hands straight on it. Me... organised, now they are two words that I didn't think went together.
Later I went out with my daughter-in-law to the garden centre. Ate cake and brought some lovely bits each.
Then 6.35pm a phone call from the doctors... bum all down hill from now on, first infection of 2011 and it's the stroppy cockle one again. What's it been 18 days now since the new year started so I guess it's long overdue!
I suppose that answers a lot of questions of why I've been feeling so breathless in the last week or so, why my back feels like it's been kicked in between the shoulder blades by a donkey and why I have had a rotten headache for days now.
What worries me more is that these feelings are just second nature now.
So oh joy of joys more drugs, so yet another bout of thrush just waiting on the horizon to hit just about the same time as when the antibiotics start working on my chest... yay bloody yay.
I know people that complain that they have to take two tablets a day and with my mother it's like a military operation to make sure she takes her course of drugs and blimey did she have the hump today, but that's another story.
I have to take twenty five various tablets, blasts and vents a day and now I have to chuck in a few more... bummer.
Never mind, bring it on.
I have a CAT scan planned for tomorrow morning and although that isn't worrying me, being there on time for 8.50am is. As I've said before, I can't remember what that time of the day looks like... hell that's going to be dark when I get up! Perhaps I should have asked my son if I could have stayed at his tonight as that would have knocked off at least 20mins. I hate getting up early god damn it.
Yes I have got the hump tonight.
Lots of love Debbie x
Later I went out with my daughter-in-law to the garden centre. Ate cake and brought some lovely bits each.
Then 6.35pm a phone call from the doctors... bum all down hill from now on, first infection of 2011 and it's the stroppy cockle one again. What's it been 18 days now since the new year started so I guess it's long overdue!
I suppose that answers a lot of questions of why I've been feeling so breathless in the last week or so, why my back feels like it's been kicked in between the shoulder blades by a donkey and why I have had a rotten headache for days now.
What worries me more is that these feelings are just second nature now.
So oh joy of joys more drugs, so yet another bout of thrush just waiting on the horizon to hit just about the same time as when the antibiotics start working on my chest... yay bloody yay.
I know people that complain that they have to take two tablets a day and with my mother it's like a military operation to make sure she takes her course of drugs and blimey did she have the hump today, but that's another story.
I have to take twenty five various tablets, blasts and vents a day and now I have to chuck in a few more... bummer.
Never mind, bring it on.
I have a CAT scan planned for tomorrow morning and although that isn't worrying me, being there on time for 8.50am is. As I've said before, I can't remember what that time of the day looks like... hell that's going to be dark when I get up! Perhaps I should have asked my son if I could have stayed at his tonight as that would have knocked off at least 20mins. I hate getting up early god damn it.
Yes I have got the hump tonight.
Lots of love Debbie x
Monday 17 January 2011
Quick, quick, slow, slow
A steady day today, as very bleak outside. Wet and windy, with a bit of mist thrown in first thing, a day for crumpets and big cups of green tea while reading a 'Hello!' magazine, which funny enough I have weekly thanks to the girls from Learning Support! A day when you don't really want to rush about, which is fine by me, as today I don't feel like rushing anywhere in particular.
Strangely enough I didn't have this urge to fill every hour of the day, in fact I broke my cardinal rule and watched TV in the morning. Ok don't panic it wasn't Jeremy Kyle or whatever the shouty programme is called, but something I recorded last night, something set in Italy.
I did take a slow walk round to have a massage this morning which was very acceptable and that loosened my shoulders down from around my ears.
The afternoon was less bleak outside and I stopped being laid back and went off to rehab... Oh dear God I am so unfit.
I guess it is a month since I last went there because of the snow etc, and in that time many mince pies, chocolates and glasses of brandy have passed my lips. Jeepers I am so unfit.
I was actually glad to empty my lungs in the loo, as it got me out of doing 'sit to stands', my most disfavoured exercise. It doesn't sound much of a hard core exercise, but I challenge you to have a go with me!
I think tomorrow I will be having another steady day as I have a sneaky feeling I won't be able to move!
Lots of love Debbie x
Strangely enough I didn't have this urge to fill every hour of the day, in fact I broke my cardinal rule and watched TV in the morning. Ok don't panic it wasn't Jeremy Kyle or whatever the shouty programme is called, but something I recorded last night, something set in Italy.
I did take a slow walk round to have a massage this morning which was very acceptable and that loosened my shoulders down from around my ears.
The afternoon was less bleak outside and I stopped being laid back and went off to rehab... Oh dear God I am so unfit.
I guess it is a month since I last went there because of the snow etc, and in that time many mince pies, chocolates and glasses of brandy have passed my lips. Jeepers I am so unfit.
I was actually glad to empty my lungs in the loo, as it got me out of doing 'sit to stands', my most disfavoured exercise. It doesn't sound much of a hard core exercise, but I challenge you to have a go with me!
I think tomorrow I will be having another steady day as I have a sneaky feeling I won't be able to move!
Lots of love Debbie x
Sunday 16 January 2011
Everything turning out rosy
I woke myself up coughing last night thanks to the tube coming off my oxygen concentrator. Strange that mine should come off the same night as fixing my mother's neighbours tubing, but mine was probably due to getting it caught under the door yet again or me treading on it after I had got up for a pee. I guess that I should be glad it was that way round and that I wasn't called out of bed to fix hers at 3am. I can't say I would have gone round with the same amount of smiley wiliness as I did in the previous evening.
The morning was quite gorgeous when it was time to get up, bright and sunny. I felt a nesting urge to get everything looking ship shape in the bungalow and I wasn't the only one, as there was washing appearing on lines in all the neighbours gardens.
I did overdo the chemicals though, as I decided I would have a go at cleaning my oven and descaling the kettle at the same time. Probably not the best jobs to attempt for someone with breathing problems and I think the oven cleaner that I found under the sink was a tad on the old side, as ok it helped a bit, but there wasn't really enough to do a good job, so I guess I put myself through that for nothing.
And whether it was the chemicals or the bending up and down from sink to oven, but my phlegm flow was certainly increased and I spent quite a while with my head over the loo coughing up the contents of my lungs afterwards!
I did feel a little stupid that I had taken on too much again at that point, as I had also stripped the bed and still had to make it up again, but luckily the cavalry came in the shape of Ann who helped me put the clean duvet set on. One of us with a fractured wrist and one with a knackered set of lungs, an odd team but we made the bed in record time!
I actually had enough time to shower and do my hair, plus a little rest before setting off for lunch with my family to celebrate my mother's and my eldest son's birthday. The restaurant that we were aiming for had an hour wait as you can't book but just turn up, so we went down the road to another one where we were seated straight away, but had to wait nearly an hour for our main course as they lost the order! Still it gave us time to chat and catch up and even my ex husband managed to stay and eat. He isn't good with places, but I was proud that he coped, as years ago he would have insisted that I drove him home.
And mother has got into the swing of taking her tablets when she should, so everything turned out well today... that makes a change in my life!
Lots of love Debbie x
The morning was quite gorgeous when it was time to get up, bright and sunny. I felt a nesting urge to get everything looking ship shape in the bungalow and I wasn't the only one, as there was washing appearing on lines in all the neighbours gardens.
I did overdo the chemicals though, as I decided I would have a go at cleaning my oven and descaling the kettle at the same time. Probably not the best jobs to attempt for someone with breathing problems and I think the oven cleaner that I found under the sink was a tad on the old side, as ok it helped a bit, but there wasn't really enough to do a good job, so I guess I put myself through that for nothing.
And whether it was the chemicals or the bending up and down from sink to oven, but my phlegm flow was certainly increased and I spent quite a while with my head over the loo coughing up the contents of my lungs afterwards!
I did feel a little stupid that I had taken on too much again at that point, as I had also stripped the bed and still had to make it up again, but luckily the cavalry came in the shape of Ann who helped me put the clean duvet set on. One of us with a fractured wrist and one with a knackered set of lungs, an odd team but we made the bed in record time!
I actually had enough time to shower and do my hair, plus a little rest before setting off for lunch with my family to celebrate my mother's and my eldest son's birthday. The restaurant that we were aiming for had an hour wait as you can't book but just turn up, so we went down the road to another one where we were seated straight away, but had to wait nearly an hour for our main course as they lost the order! Still it gave us time to chat and catch up and even my ex husband managed to stay and eat. He isn't good with places, but I was proud that he coped, as years ago he would have insisted that I drove him home.
And mother has got into the swing of taking her tablets when she should, so everything turned out well today... that makes a change in my life!
Lots of love Debbie x
Saturday 15 January 2011
New diet...
When is a Chinese takeaway not a Chinese takeaway? When it's scrambled egg and bacon, because you are too tired to go down the road to the local Chinese and buy your dinner.
Maybe they might have delivered if I'd asked, but then I didn't want to get my hopes up only to have them brutally dashed when they said no can do you lazy git.
I am tired from not sleeping properly for worrying in case mother telling the truth about having diarrhoea last night and that I'd be battered to death by my sister, as she always arrives at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning when she trod in it.
She was in a mood, but luckily not because of clearing up crap, more because mother was confused about how many of her tablets she had taken and my sister isn't the most patient of people.
Also I had woken up with a sore eye. It looks like I'm revisiting my youth, as it appears I have a sty coming up, hence why I have a sore eye that feels like someone has poked me in the eye. Unless my mother has found my missing door keys and came over when I was sleeping in between her bouts of diarrhoea and jabbed me while I slept. Great is this karma for trying to help someone?
Jean brighten up my morning with chocolate muffins, but as I have a huge muffin top at the moment, I soon felt guilty after she left.
In between mother's meals and tablet taking, which thankfully mother was beginning to feel a tad better after an afternoon nap and realised that I was only looking after her best interest. Anyway Barbara took me to Freeport in my last desperate push to find my eldest pants that he wanted for his birthday. I say push in all senses of the word as Barbara not only got my humping great wheelchair in mini, but also she pushed my humping great body around and she's only little bless her. Ok she did take a few shop displays with us on route, but she did do very well for a first outing with me and the chair and then she treated me to coffee and biscuits! Just hope her back is ok tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think I should have been born a Catholic with all this guilt that I have inside me at the moment... Oo maybe that's why I'm so fat?!
I'm going to start a new diet... a guilt free diet!
Los of love Debbie x
Maybe they might have delivered if I'd asked, but then I didn't want to get my hopes up only to have them brutally dashed when they said no can do you lazy git.
I am tired from not sleeping properly for worrying in case mother telling the truth about having diarrhoea last night and that I'd be battered to death by my sister, as she always arrives at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning when she trod in it.
She was in a mood, but luckily not because of clearing up crap, more because mother was confused about how many of her tablets she had taken and my sister isn't the most patient of people.
Also I had woken up with a sore eye. It looks like I'm revisiting my youth, as it appears I have a sty coming up, hence why I have a sore eye that feels like someone has poked me in the eye. Unless my mother has found my missing door keys and came over when I was sleeping in between her bouts of diarrhoea and jabbed me while I slept. Great is this karma for trying to help someone?
Jean brighten up my morning with chocolate muffins, but as I have a huge muffin top at the moment, I soon felt guilty after she left.
In between mother's meals and tablet taking, which thankfully mother was beginning to feel a tad better after an afternoon nap and realised that I was only looking after her best interest. Anyway Barbara took me to Freeport in my last desperate push to find my eldest pants that he wanted for his birthday. I say push in all senses of the word as Barbara not only got my humping great wheelchair in mini, but also she pushed my humping great body around and she's only little bless her. Ok she did take a few shop displays with us on route, but she did do very well for a first outing with me and the chair and then she treated me to coffee and biscuits! Just hope her back is ok tomorrow.
I'm beginning to think I should have been born a Catholic with all this guilt that I have inside me at the moment... Oo maybe that's why I'm so fat?!
I'm going to start a new diet... a guilt free diet!
Los of love Debbie x
Friday 14 January 2011
Interferring Burden!
Had to be a bit sneaky with my mother today and she was not happy. Last night when I was about to rub in some 'Deep Heat' on her shoulders, I found a very inflamed cyst (or so I hoped) high up on her back near the shoulder joint.
So this morning I decided to take action and ask the doctor to come out and see her. To say she was thrilled by this news, would be rather stretching the truth. I think the question of 'Must I interfere', did past her lips, but I noticed when she came out of the bathroom, she was wearing lipstick!
Luckily the doctor, who was a very lovely lady, told mother that I was correct to call her out, as she did in fact have a infected cyst... I thank you. We glossed over the part where the lovely doctor stated that she would have to go to the new Community hospital and have it cut out once the infection had died down. That will have her laughing like a barrel of monkeys, I don't think. Boy will I suffer for that one!
After rushing down to get her drugs, the hard part then started, the part where I make her take them, keep taking them and to make her understand when to take them. I brought her one of these special sectioned pill boxes from the chemist, but even that concept was too much for her to handle, so I guess I know where I will be going four times a day for the next week.
Come Rehab time, I was too knackered to go, as I was now paying the price for my so called interference, making non stop cups of tea which she didn't drink, hanging out the washing and tidying up etc, even though two hours before hand she was quite capable of doing it herself and now she reckons she has diarrhoea which of course is my fault too.
I think I shall put my hair shirt on now and go to bed, as it could be a very long week ahead!
Lots of love Debbie x
So this morning I decided to take action and ask the doctor to come out and see her. To say she was thrilled by this news, would be rather stretching the truth. I think the question of 'Must I interfere', did past her lips, but I noticed when she came out of the bathroom, she was wearing lipstick!
Luckily the doctor, who was a very lovely lady, told mother that I was correct to call her out, as she did in fact have a infected cyst... I thank you. We glossed over the part where the lovely doctor stated that she would have to go to the new Community hospital and have it cut out once the infection had died down. That will have her laughing like a barrel of monkeys, I don't think. Boy will I suffer for that one!
After rushing down to get her drugs, the hard part then started, the part where I make her take them, keep taking them and to make her understand when to take them. I brought her one of these special sectioned pill boxes from the chemist, but even that concept was too much for her to handle, so I guess I know where I will be going four times a day for the next week.
Come Rehab time, I was too knackered to go, as I was now paying the price for my so called interference, making non stop cups of tea which she didn't drink, hanging out the washing and tidying up etc, even though two hours before hand she was quite capable of doing it herself and now she reckons she has diarrhoea which of course is my fault too.
I think I shall put my hair shirt on now and go to bed, as it could be a very long week ahead!
Lots of love Debbie x
Thursday 13 January 2011
I am a Rent-o-gob
The one time that I am up and dressed at a reasonable time with hair washed and styled and no one, but no one knocks on my front door to deliver anything. I'm sure the post office guy thinks I lay in bed all day or live in my pjs, as that's all he normally sees me in. Yesterday I begged him to believe that I was just sitting on my bed, today when I'm dressed... no sign of him.
I had an unsettled night as well last night. I just couldn't get off to sleep. Well I could and very nearly did as I was just on that edge of one foot in beddy bye bo land, but then I coughed and that was it, I was wide awake and flung back into consciousness again.
I know the done thing is get up and make yourself a comforting chamomile tea and read for a little while, but it's winter and my bed was warm. I think that fact that I thought 'bugger it, I haven't got to get up early for anything, so I have an hours extra sleep in the morning, it's not the end of the world' head on, has helped a lot.
I drove off to pick up my drugs at the hospital after singing mother 'Happy Birthday to you' down the phone to her musical accompaniment of her trying to get her breath back after hurrying to the phone. I decided to spare my son my singing and text him 'happy birthday to you' instead, which he was immensely grateful about, but your mother is supposed to love you what ever, so she got all the verses and a jazz hand bit at the end too!
Quite surprised that I only got half a months supply from the hospital and when I queried it, I was told it was because I would be seeing him soon. Hoorah... news at last! Is this because I am now cured and no longer need to take copious amounts of drugs anymore, or have did he get a spare set of lungs and heart for Christmas, so I'm sorted???? Interesting.
Went off to see the girls from work and they now have a man working there and he doesn't look gay. Typical, wait for me to leave. Mind you I made an absolute tit of myself by stating the obvious like, 'Oo a man' and then proceeding to grab his badge to see who he was! I think the world would be a safer place for all concerned if I was locked up somewhere and not allowed out.
I went home and sat with the birthday girl/ mother and chatted to her for about an hour and then watched a TV programme that she likes and when she likes something, she doesn't speak, but doesn't like you to leave either. That was cool, as it was 'Doc Martin' which is nice and gentle anyway. I'm a bit concerned that she has what looks like an infected cyst on her back from rubbing 'Deep Heat' on her shoulder or the time, as her bungalow stinks like a rugby changing room. If it is that, then no wonder she is in pain, as Derek has an infected one on his back and it's caused him agony. No wonder she hasn't been getting dressed of late. Will have to sort out tomorrow, but I may need chloroform to knock her out to get her there, as she won't go willingly!
Wish me luck!
Lots of love Debbie x
I had an unsettled night as well last night. I just couldn't get off to sleep. Well I could and very nearly did as I was just on that edge of one foot in beddy bye bo land, but then I coughed and that was it, I was wide awake and flung back into consciousness again.
I know the done thing is get up and make yourself a comforting chamomile tea and read for a little while, but it's winter and my bed was warm. I think that fact that I thought 'bugger it, I haven't got to get up early for anything, so I have an hours extra sleep in the morning, it's not the end of the world' head on, has helped a lot.
I drove off to pick up my drugs at the hospital after singing mother 'Happy Birthday to you' down the phone to her musical accompaniment of her trying to get her breath back after hurrying to the phone. I decided to spare my son my singing and text him 'happy birthday to you' instead, which he was immensely grateful about, but your mother is supposed to love you what ever, so she got all the verses and a jazz hand bit at the end too!
Quite surprised that I only got half a months supply from the hospital and when I queried it, I was told it was because I would be seeing him soon. Hoorah... news at last! Is this because I am now cured and no longer need to take copious amounts of drugs anymore, or have did he get a spare set of lungs and heart for Christmas, so I'm sorted???? Interesting.
Went off to see the girls from work and they now have a man working there and he doesn't look gay. Typical, wait for me to leave. Mind you I made an absolute tit of myself by stating the obvious like, 'Oo a man' and then proceeding to grab his badge to see who he was! I think the world would be a safer place for all concerned if I was locked up somewhere and not allowed out.
I went home and sat with the birthday girl/ mother and chatted to her for about an hour and then watched a TV programme that she likes and when she likes something, she doesn't speak, but doesn't like you to leave either. That was cool, as it was 'Doc Martin' which is nice and gentle anyway. I'm a bit concerned that she has what looks like an infected cyst on her back from rubbing 'Deep Heat' on her shoulder or the time, as her bungalow stinks like a rugby changing room. If it is that, then no wonder she is in pain, as Derek has an infected one on his back and it's caused him agony. No wonder she hasn't been getting dressed of late. Will have to sort out tomorrow, but I may need chloroform to knock her out to get her there, as she won't go willingly!
Wish me luck!
Lots of love Debbie x
Wednesday 12 January 2011
Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays!
Today was my eldest sister's birthday. All my three siblings have their birthdays within two weeks of each other, I think my mother or their father Dick (no honestly that was his name!) must have come into season or something around April/ May for them to all be born around that time. Another reason that shows I have a different father, as I was born in August, but now all of them are over 60. I really can't believe that my brother is now 67 and my two sisters are 66 and 61, we are all old codgers now. I guess it does show that age is but a number.
Tomorrow, which is the 13th is my mother's 93rd and my eldest son's 33rd birthday so an expensive month, plus throw in Julie's sister and her daughter who are both like my family and both of them were born on the 13th too, it's quite a day! It was actually a Friday 13th too when Dwight was born!
Mind you give it to Saturday and mother will be telling everyone, 'I'm nearly 94 you know!' Actually we might not even get to Saturday, probably lunch time Friday if there is anyone about to tell! It's strange how we do the full circle of adding years on when we are younger to get into nightclubs and bars, then knocking them off for many years and still going to nightclubs to look younger, then back to adding them on again and telling everyone under the sun, so people say 'What really, wow you don't look it!'
And it's true she doesn't look it when she spruced up, but not like today when she is still in her nightclothes at 5.30pm! Bad mummy.
Getting out of the village today to buy some decent cards and pressies proved fun, as I think Silver End is now turning into an island what with the floods on the roads, three in one stretch of road.
One more reason to chill out in bed tomorrow morning!
Lots of love Debbie x
Tomorrow, which is the 13th is my mother's 93rd and my eldest son's 33rd birthday so an expensive month, plus throw in Julie's sister and her daughter who are both like my family and both of them were born on the 13th too, it's quite a day! It was actually a Friday 13th too when Dwight was born!
Mind you give it to Saturday and mother will be telling everyone, 'I'm nearly 94 you know!' Actually we might not even get to Saturday, probably lunch time Friday if there is anyone about to tell! It's strange how we do the full circle of adding years on when we are younger to get into nightclubs and bars, then knocking them off for many years and still going to nightclubs to look younger, then back to adding them on again and telling everyone under the sun, so people say 'What really, wow you don't look it!'
And it's true she doesn't look it when she spruced up, but not like today when she is still in her nightclothes at 5.30pm! Bad mummy.
Getting out of the village today to buy some decent cards and pressies proved fun, as I think Silver End is now turning into an island what with the floods on the roads, three in one stretch of road.
One more reason to chill out in bed tomorrow morning!
Lots of love Debbie x
Tuesday 11 January 2011
I did that all on my own
I'm unsure of my own shadow today. You do something and then you think blimey was that a trick or should I have I really done that? Should I have pressed that button?
I seem to be questioning everything that I do today.
Last night in bed I kept reminiscing how I had saved up over £1000 last year for our cruise to the Canary Islands and how wonderful it felt to give Derek that sum in cash. I bet all these bankers that are receiving millions of pounds for their bonuses this year will never know that feeling of pure pride of saving for something by cutting back on other things to save. Eating baked beans on toast or egg on toast for variety, but watching that pile grow and then handing it over to pay for something that you never dreamed of in a million years that you would actually do. For me that dream was going on last years cruise on that most amazing ship.
Now I wonder whether I will ever be able to save for anything ever again and feel that pride?
Ok I can probably treat myself from my lump sum for another holiday, but then I will just feel concerned that the lump sum has got to last me and then doubt will then set in that should I really be spending it, because I could be eating baked beans full stop.
This is yet another thing that this sodden disease has taken away from me... the pride you get from earning and saving.
I got my email from HR to say that I am officially retired on the 26th Jan 2011, but all the questions that I had asked about my pension yesterday, drew a blank. I was just given a number of the LGP to call. Not very helpful, a bit like them washing their hands of me. What happened to the day courses that ARU used to lay on, so soon to be retired people could be advised on everything that was worrying them? As normal by the time it came to my turn it had all finished, but I guess that just managers on large sums of cash went on them, not the likes of me.
Still I have a lovely clean kitchen floor from scrubbing my anger away. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that crap. Yes I am a wee bit angry today.
Lots of love Debbie x
I seem to be questioning everything that I do today.
Last night in bed I kept reminiscing how I had saved up over £1000 last year for our cruise to the Canary Islands and how wonderful it felt to give Derek that sum in cash. I bet all these bankers that are receiving millions of pounds for their bonuses this year will never know that feeling of pure pride of saving for something by cutting back on other things to save. Eating baked beans on toast or egg on toast for variety, but watching that pile grow and then handing it over to pay for something that you never dreamed of in a million years that you would actually do. For me that dream was going on last years cruise on that most amazing ship.
Now I wonder whether I will ever be able to save for anything ever again and feel that pride?
Ok I can probably treat myself from my lump sum for another holiday, but then I will just feel concerned that the lump sum has got to last me and then doubt will then set in that should I really be spending it, because I could be eating baked beans full stop.
This is yet another thing that this sodden disease has taken away from me... the pride you get from earning and saving.
I got my email from HR to say that I am officially retired on the 26th Jan 2011, but all the questions that I had asked about my pension yesterday, drew a blank. I was just given a number of the LGP to call. Not very helpful, a bit like them washing their hands of me. What happened to the day courses that ARU used to lay on, so soon to be retired people could be advised on everything that was worrying them? As normal by the time it came to my turn it had all finished, but I guess that just managers on large sums of cash went on them, not the likes of me.
Still I have a lovely clean kitchen floor from scrubbing my anger away. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that crap. Yes I am a wee bit angry today.
Lots of love Debbie x
Monday 10 January 2011
The bells toll
I took the bull by the horns today and contacted the Human Resources department at my work to ask if there is any news on when I should expect my P45 as I only have 15 days left of full pay and I really want this sorted. I was expecting delays, but six weeks has turned into three months now and although it is lovely to plod on as I am, all good things have to come to a halt sometime and I can hear the bells tolling for the demise of my wages.
Even though you know that day is well overdue, when you actually hear a date for the end of your service in work, even though you have pushed them on the phone to find something out, it leaves you feeling quite numb.
Wednesday 26th January 2011 will be my last day of full time or even part time paid work. I will then become one of the great unwashed or one of those who lives off of other people... what I used to be, the Brtish tax payer. God that stinks.
I have always worked and have been in a great range of employment in the past to help pay the bills as my ex's job was not the best paid position in the world. From a hairdresser to potato grader (that job lasted a whole afternoon!) from a florist to a Tudor Goodwife, I have always worked and had enjoyed every single job apart from being a potato grader, that has got to be the worst job ever.
Believe it or not, I am not a snob as I have scrubbed toilets in factories, carried sacks of potatoes on my shoulder (no that was another potato linked job), cleaned other peoples homes and cared for other peoples elders in a care home.
If it meant feeding my children then I did it, but now on the news tonight, they report how the Conservatives are going to cut my benefits and I haven't even applied for them yet!
Oh happy bloody days.
I am scared, I am scared that I will never be able to treat myself or my friends and family ever again and will have to think twice, maybe thrice before agreeing to do anything with my friends. Ah well if I've said it before, I'll say it again... shit happens, deal with it!
Lots of love Debbie x
Even though you know that day is well overdue, when you actually hear a date for the end of your service in work, even though you have pushed them on the phone to find something out, it leaves you feeling quite numb.
Wednesday 26th January 2011 will be my last day of full time or even part time paid work. I will then become one of the great unwashed or one of those who lives off of other people... what I used to be, the Brtish tax payer. God that stinks.
I have always worked and have been in a great range of employment in the past to help pay the bills as my ex's job was not the best paid position in the world. From a hairdresser to potato grader (that job lasted a whole afternoon!) from a florist to a Tudor Goodwife, I have always worked and had enjoyed every single job apart from being a potato grader, that has got to be the worst job ever.
Believe it or not, I am not a snob as I have scrubbed toilets in factories, carried sacks of potatoes on my shoulder (no that was another potato linked job), cleaned other peoples homes and cared for other peoples elders in a care home.
If it meant feeding my children then I did it, but now on the news tonight, they report how the Conservatives are going to cut my benefits and I haven't even applied for them yet!
Oh happy bloody days.
I am scared, I am scared that I will never be able to treat myself or my friends and family ever again and will have to think twice, maybe thrice before agreeing to do anything with my friends. Ah well if I've said it before, I'll say it again... shit happens, deal with it!
Lots of love Debbie x
Sunday 9 January 2011
I'm the grown up
A late start to the day this morning. Nothing could entice me out of bed until nearly 11am and then I had to have a shower to kick start me into the day, as I really felt that I was running on empty.
I had hoped when I called mother that she would say to give going out for a meal a miss today, but no such luck. Actually I really wished we had because, as the meal went on she too was wilting in front of my very eyes. In fact by the time the dessert came, she looked like she could fall asleep head first into her fruit salad, but then she went ahead and ordered a pot of tea too to follow.
It's very hard when the mother /daughter/ in charge roles are reversed, as in the car she kept coughing without putting her hand over her mouth and I really didn't want to catch anything that I suspected she was going down with. It felt so condescending of me having to tell my mother to cover her mouth, but we were sitting in a little box and as she had already began to lose her voice by the time the bill came, I felt that I was right to be slightly concerned for both our healths.
Forgive me mother, I hate being bossy.
I got home and cleared my chest and felt a hell of a lot better for it, as by jingo there was a lot of junk down there, so no wonder I was finding the going tough. I felt so much better that I felt up to going to the cinema to see the King's Speech' in the evening without putting anyone at risk. A really moving, but humorous film and highly recommendable.
I still feel a bit out of sorts, but hopefully the double brandy will put me to rights. I'm sure I am fighting something off as I've had so many people around me with rotten colds, it will be a miracle to escape. Fingers crossed whatever it is either passes quickly or waits till after Natalie's 30th birthday celebrations at the end of the month and I hope mother gets over hers quickly too.
Lots of love Debbie x
I had hoped when I called mother that she would say to give going out for a meal a miss today, but no such luck. Actually I really wished we had because, as the meal went on she too was wilting in front of my very eyes. In fact by the time the dessert came, she looked like she could fall asleep head first into her fruit salad, but then she went ahead and ordered a pot of tea too to follow.
It's very hard when the mother /daughter/ in charge roles are reversed, as in the car she kept coughing without putting her hand over her mouth and I really didn't want to catch anything that I suspected she was going down with. It felt so condescending of me having to tell my mother to cover her mouth, but we were sitting in a little box and as she had already began to lose her voice by the time the bill came, I felt that I was right to be slightly concerned for both our healths.
Forgive me mother, I hate being bossy.
I got home and cleared my chest and felt a hell of a lot better for it, as by jingo there was a lot of junk down there, so no wonder I was finding the going tough. I felt so much better that I felt up to going to the cinema to see the King's Speech' in the evening without putting anyone at risk. A really moving, but humorous film and highly recommendable.
I still feel a bit out of sorts, but hopefully the double brandy will put me to rights. I'm sure I am fighting something off as I've had so many people around me with rotten colds, it will be a miracle to escape. Fingers crossed whatever it is either passes quickly or waits till after Natalie's 30th birthday celebrations at the end of the month and I hope mother gets over hers quickly too.
Lots of love Debbie x
Saturday 8 January 2011
I'm very tired
You have a good day and then the next is when you have a day when you feel like someone has stolen your batteries.
Enough said.
Lots of love Debbie x
Enough said.
Lots of love Debbie x
Friday 7 January 2011
There's no business like show business!
29 students and 1 chest... mine.
Today was the day I met the new physio students at Essex Uni and as there was only twenty nine this time, I didn't feel as out numbered and it felt a lot easier to connect to them. Actually they were all very nice and you some of them already oozed that reassuring confidence out to you which made you think 'yeah I'd feel safe with them in a few years time'.
I think at first they were all a bit wary of me and of what questions to ask, but as the morning went on and the laughter got louder. Especially after my story of me peeing myself when getting my oxygen lead caught in the front door in a 'Tom and Jerry' cartoon way... that was quite an ice breaker. Or the story of how Julie calls me her window licker, especially when I was pushed up against the taxi window, they soon realised that there wasn't a lot of questions that were goung to faze me.
At the end I did my 'Hill Street Blues' talk about how grateful I am that they want to train to keep people like me semi normal, and I do mean it. Plus I'm already booked for next year and a couple of phlegm giving gigs later on this year! I know how to crowd please!
I was very tired though when I got home and had to have a forty winks sleep after I cleared my chest. All the deep breaths that I had to take while all tweny nine of them listened to my chest and back, plus all the goes on the spiromotry, did take it's toll on me.
Although Ann cooked tonight, I won't be sorry to get to bed and to go to sleep, I feel absolutely whacked out. So this is me taking my new whiter than white bra and my chest off to bed!
Lots of love Debbie x
Today was the day I met the new physio students at Essex Uni and as there was only twenty nine this time, I didn't feel as out numbered and it felt a lot easier to connect to them. Actually they were all very nice and you some of them already oozed that reassuring confidence out to you which made you think 'yeah I'd feel safe with them in a few years time'.
I think at first they were all a bit wary of me and of what questions to ask, but as the morning went on and the laughter got louder. Especially after my story of me peeing myself when getting my oxygen lead caught in the front door in a 'Tom and Jerry' cartoon way... that was quite an ice breaker. Or the story of how Julie calls me her window licker, especially when I was pushed up against the taxi window, they soon realised that there wasn't a lot of questions that were goung to faze me.
At the end I did my 'Hill Street Blues' talk about how grateful I am that they want to train to keep people like me semi normal, and I do mean it. Plus I'm already booked for next year and a couple of phlegm giving gigs later on this year! I know how to crowd please!
I was very tired though when I got home and had to have a forty winks sleep after I cleared my chest. All the deep breaths that I had to take while all tweny nine of them listened to my chest and back, plus all the goes on the spiromotry, did take it's toll on me.
Although Ann cooked tonight, I won't be sorry to get to bed and to go to sleep, I feel absolutely whacked out. So this is me taking my new whiter than white bra and my chest off to bed!
Lots of love Debbie x
Thursday 6 January 2011
Exhibit one
I am one weary bunny today. Or maybe one lazy bunny, the jury is still out on that one.
My stats were rather low today. 87 this morning which wasn't too bad for me down to a rather scary 83 this evening and I did have spectacular blue fingers again when my stats dropped, so maybe I had overdone it yesterday and just needed a quieter couple of days to recuperate.
And pigs might fly.
Julie cheered me up this lunchtime with a pretty velvet top or dress for the daring, that she saw and thought of me and brought for me in the sales. That was really considerate of her and not only did she come baring tops, but cakes and sausage rolls too, so I was thoroughly spoilt.
After Julie had gone, I had to return the top that I had brought yesterday for mother's birthday as it was too tight for her. I got the one that I liked originally for her and she seemed pleased with it. With mother you never really know. When I took it back to her bungalow, she was raving over a beautiful top that some company had sent her as her original order was out of stock. I thought it looked like something she would have worn 35years ago, all frothy white lace, sheer sleeves and jewels stuck everywhere on the front, but if she likes it then I like it, as long as I haven't got to wear it. I guess she likes it because it reminded her of when she was younger and dad was still alive.
I also caught up with friends in the afternoon and a friend at night for a meal at mine, so much for me having a quieter day, but that just ain't going to happen in my life. I'll rest up next week I promise.
I have to get myself sorted ready for the 'Talk' tomorrow at Essex University now. It will be interesting to find out my state of health too when Ruth explains to the students what's exactly wrong with me, as I always gleam some new tit bit of information from her.
Exhibit one; Female Caucasian with end stage lung disease, suffering from acute madness and a weak bladder!
Mind you last time I ended up up on overnight oxygen when admitting to daily headaches, so goodness knows what I haven't owned up to this time. Maybe I should keep quiet about my weird thoughts about having a strangers heart?!
Lots of love Debbie x
My stats were rather low today. 87 this morning which wasn't too bad for me down to a rather scary 83 this evening and I did have spectacular blue fingers again when my stats dropped, so maybe I had overdone it yesterday and just needed a quieter couple of days to recuperate.
And pigs might fly.
Julie cheered me up this lunchtime with a pretty velvet top or dress for the daring, that she saw and thought of me and brought for me in the sales. That was really considerate of her and not only did she come baring tops, but cakes and sausage rolls too, so I was thoroughly spoilt.
After Julie had gone, I had to return the top that I had brought yesterday for mother's birthday as it was too tight for her. I got the one that I liked originally for her and she seemed pleased with it. With mother you never really know. When I took it back to her bungalow, she was raving over a beautiful top that some company had sent her as her original order was out of stock. I thought it looked like something she would have worn 35years ago, all frothy white lace, sheer sleeves and jewels stuck everywhere on the front, but if she likes it then I like it, as long as I haven't got to wear it. I guess she likes it because it reminded her of when she was younger and dad was still alive.
I also caught up with friends in the afternoon and a friend at night for a meal at mine, so much for me having a quieter day, but that just ain't going to happen in my life. I'll rest up next week I promise.
I have to get myself sorted ready for the 'Talk' tomorrow at Essex University now. It will be interesting to find out my state of health too when Ruth explains to the students what's exactly wrong with me, as I always gleam some new tit bit of information from her.
Exhibit one; Female Caucasian with end stage lung disease, suffering from acute madness and a weak bladder!
Mind you last time I ended up up on overnight oxygen when admitting to daily headaches, so goodness knows what I haven't owned up to this time. Maybe I should keep quiet about my weird thoughts about having a strangers heart?!
Lots of love Debbie x
Wednesday 5 January 2011
The Camel Effect
I've heard of the butterfly effect: you know the theory a butterfly flapping it's wings in Mexico and it's knock on effect etc . Well I think mine should be called the camel effect.
Let me explain and bear with me.
When I was at work I drank numerous bottles of water each day, as I got very dry thanks to talking non stop throughout the day on the phone or face to face to students and as we know, drinking water also helps you clear your chest a lot easier, as it stops the phlegm becoming sticky.
I hadn't realised at first that I had stopped drinking as much water once I had stopped working, but I did notice that it was a lot harder to clear my chest and very exhausting. Elementary Dr Burden, I quickly put two and two together that I wasn't talking as much so I wasn't getting as dry and my water intake had gone down. Gosh I should be a doctor!
Anyway I solved that problem by upping my water intake and the phlegm is now coming away a lot easier again.
This is where my 'Camel Effect' kicks in.
Now as you know I had run out of liquid oxygen on Monday and was having to lug around my DD canister which is very heavy and which restricts movement and also it has a long oxygen lead or tube. Keep with me as this is all going somewhere.
I went off to Maldon today for my physio at the hospital there and was very pleased that everything was moving off my chest and quite quickly again.
Maldon is about a 30min drive from home and as I also have a lovely, but demanding mother that thinks I am her personal shopper at times, I had to stop at the hole in the wall on the way home to get some money out for her.
Ooo I thought as I pressed the buttons, I need a wee. No problem, only about 5mins away from home. But as I was trying to get out of my car quickly outside my bungalow, my long lead decided to get caught around the passenger seat lever, in frustration I yanked it and the lead came out, but from where I couldn't tell in the dark.
Now I don't know about you, but when I can see my front door, my bladder gets very excited. So it was a case of a dangling oxygen lead, a bladder fit to burst and a semi dash to door as I decided that as my chest was clear, I could make it oxygen or no oxygen. Of course I hadn't put into the equation that I would pull my bloody mother's keys out of my handbag instead of mine.
This is where your handbag resembles a Mary Poppin type bag, where it seems bottomless and you still try and ram the key in the keyhole.
In blind panic, while hopping from foot to foot with my knees pressed together, I threw the contents of my bag on the floor and to get my keys, then realised I couldn't leave the contents especially my purse on the floor outside with my mother's £200 in it. All the time I was still dancing about picking things up and I was rapidly running out of breath.
I can hold it, my wee not my breath... Wrong... I could have if I hadn't shut the dangling lead in the front door and nearly yanking off my nose as it stopped me violently in my tracks a foot from the toilet.
I was close to getting my jeans down in mid dash, but whoosh!
End result was me sitting on the toilet with soaked jeans and knickers, although I did manage to get them nearly to my knees, but I was now gasping for breath so badly, that I felt I was going to pass out. In my brain (which was pounding) I was praying that I wouldn't die with wet knickers and wet jeans around my ankles. God can you imagine the shame, if I wasn't already dead, I would have died with embarrassment to be found like that.
So please when you say to me that I am so lucky not to be working, don't wonder why I try and strangle you with my oxygen tube... I think a judge would let me off!
Lots of love Debbie x
Let me explain and bear with me.
When I was at work I drank numerous bottles of water each day, as I got very dry thanks to talking non stop throughout the day on the phone or face to face to students and as we know, drinking water also helps you clear your chest a lot easier, as it stops the phlegm becoming sticky.
I hadn't realised at first that I had stopped drinking as much water once I had stopped working, but I did notice that it was a lot harder to clear my chest and very exhausting. Elementary Dr Burden, I quickly put two and two together that I wasn't talking as much so I wasn't getting as dry and my water intake had gone down. Gosh I should be a doctor!
Anyway I solved that problem by upping my water intake and the phlegm is now coming away a lot easier again.
This is where my 'Camel Effect' kicks in.
Now as you know I had run out of liquid oxygen on Monday and was having to lug around my DD canister which is very heavy and which restricts movement and also it has a long oxygen lead or tube. Keep with me as this is all going somewhere.
I went off to Maldon today for my physio at the hospital there and was very pleased that everything was moving off my chest and quite quickly again.
Maldon is about a 30min drive from home and as I also have a lovely, but demanding mother that thinks I am her personal shopper at times, I had to stop at the hole in the wall on the way home to get some money out for her.
Ooo I thought as I pressed the buttons, I need a wee. No problem, only about 5mins away from home. But as I was trying to get out of my car quickly outside my bungalow, my long lead decided to get caught around the passenger seat lever, in frustration I yanked it and the lead came out, but from where I couldn't tell in the dark.
Now I don't know about you, but when I can see my front door, my bladder gets very excited. So it was a case of a dangling oxygen lead, a bladder fit to burst and a semi dash to door as I decided that as my chest was clear, I could make it oxygen or no oxygen. Of course I hadn't put into the equation that I would pull my bloody mother's keys out of my handbag instead of mine.
This is where your handbag resembles a Mary Poppin type bag, where it seems bottomless and you still try and ram the key in the keyhole.
In blind panic, while hopping from foot to foot with my knees pressed together, I threw the contents of my bag on the floor and to get my keys, then realised I couldn't leave the contents especially my purse on the floor outside with my mother's £200 in it. All the time I was still dancing about picking things up and I was rapidly running out of breath.
I can hold it, my wee not my breath... Wrong... I could have if I hadn't shut the dangling lead in the front door and nearly yanking off my nose as it stopped me violently in my tracks a foot from the toilet.
I was close to getting my jeans down in mid dash, but whoosh!
End result was me sitting on the toilet with soaked jeans and knickers, although I did manage to get them nearly to my knees, but I was now gasping for breath so badly, that I felt I was going to pass out. In my brain (which was pounding) I was praying that I wouldn't die with wet knickers and wet jeans around my ankles. God can you imagine the shame, if I wasn't already dead, I would have died with embarrassment to be found like that.
So please when you say to me that I am so lucky not to be working, don't wonder why I try and strangle you with my oxygen tube... I think a judge would let me off!
Lots of love Debbie x
Tuesday 4 January 2011
Smug git gets come uppence
Started the day with a lovely hot bubble bath, contemplating that for the first time in five years, I have made up with everyone that matter in my life and that is a really good feeling to start off a new year. After a good soak, I got out and twang, shooting pain in the hip region. Great. Obviously where I have been lugging round my DD canisters again instead of my so called lightweight unit, I have unbalanced my spine again, either that or someone up there thought 'Not so fast you smug git'.
Found my last heat patch in my bathroom drawers and applied it straight away while really hoping that I don't have a re-run of this time last year where I had a trapped nerve for six very long weeks in the same area. That was when I learnt what the hole in a massaging table was for... so you could bite on it to muffle your screams!
I went to pick Reni up to go bra hunting for me in town. If I'm going to have to sit in my underwear in front of about fifty plus students next week, then it's going to be in a pure white bra that actually fits, and doesn't make me look like I have four boobs instead of two. My oxygen canisters apparently aren't the only double D's that I'm lugging about!
While we were having lunch out, my mobile went and bummer, I thought my tests were over for this round, but now I've got to have a CAT scan too. I'm not worried about the scan, but I am worried that I have to be there at 8.50am, strewth... do they really have to start so early???
When I got back to my mother's bungalow, she had the 'woe is me' head on again and today I really couldn't be arsed. Bad daughter.
But I did cheer her up before I went home, but there again I'm sure she hexed me when I was in the kitchen arguing with her through the living room door, as trying to put my Christmas tree away proved even more strenuous then putting it up. Thanks to the helpful workman who put my tree box back in the loft for me, but completely out of Oliver's reach. I had to wrestle with it by laying on it to get it into numerous bin bags. Will the lights that are already attached to it work next year?... Mmmm doubt it.
lots of love Debbie x
Found my last heat patch in my bathroom drawers and applied it straight away while really hoping that I don't have a re-run of this time last year where I had a trapped nerve for six very long weeks in the same area. That was when I learnt what the hole in a massaging table was for... so you could bite on it to muffle your screams!
I went to pick Reni up to go bra hunting for me in town. If I'm going to have to sit in my underwear in front of about fifty plus students next week, then it's going to be in a pure white bra that actually fits, and doesn't make me look like I have four boobs instead of two. My oxygen canisters apparently aren't the only double D's that I'm lugging about!
While we were having lunch out, my mobile went and bummer, I thought my tests were over for this round, but now I've got to have a CAT scan too. I'm not worried about the scan, but I am worried that I have to be there at 8.50am, strewth... do they really have to start so early???
When I got back to my mother's bungalow, she had the 'woe is me' head on again and today I really couldn't be arsed. Bad daughter.
But I did cheer her up before I went home, but there again I'm sure she hexed me when I was in the kitchen arguing with her through the living room door, as trying to put my Christmas tree away proved even more strenuous then putting it up. Thanks to the helpful workman who put my tree box back in the loft for me, but completely out of Oliver's reach. I had to wrestle with it by laying on it to get it into numerous bin bags. Will the lights that are already attached to it work next year?... Mmmm doubt it.
lots of love Debbie x
Monday 3 January 2011
An old dog in training
A really lovely day today with both sons and my sweet daughter-in-law all coming around for a Not-a-Sunday lunch but a roast dinner none the less. All these bank holidays have had me losing the plot and I can see how mother gets so confused with her days.
It was good to see my family around the table while we raised our glasses for an exciting 2011 for all of us in whatever way we hope. It was lovely cooking for them and hearing them laughing at each other around the table and later at the film we were watching.
After they went, I sat thinking about what I had learnt in 2010. Definitely that I can adapt to whatever if thrown at me. When my new line manager said that my trouble was I couldn't adapt to changes, I laughed in her face and although that was a bit cruel of me, just looking back over 2010 shows what changes have occurred to me and I was still fighting. Ok she was talking changes at work, but I had more pressing ones; mainly staying alive by going on overnight oxygen early on in the year and shortly afterwards going on full term oxygen. Even needing a trolley to help get me around didn't throw me that much, as it was my idea heavens forbid.
Giving up work was a huge change, but wasn't as awful as I originally thought. I do miss my friends at work, but not so much the work. Although I did find myself offering to do my eldest son's ironing, as I do need to feel a bit useful now and again.
I have learnt patience the hard way and that was a big change. I know letting go and having to let others take control proved very hard, especially when on the cruise in April/May, but when I admitted it to Derek and he assured me that I was just frustrated and not being a diva, I felt a hell of a lot better for it. Knowing when to pass things over was another lesson and knowing when my body needed rest was a big learning curve. Sometimes however much I want to do things, if it's going to make me suffer in the long run, then it just isn't worth it.
So see you can teach an old dog new tricks!
Lots of love Debbie x
It was good to see my family around the table while we raised our glasses for an exciting 2011 for all of us in whatever way we hope. It was lovely cooking for them and hearing them laughing at each other around the table and later at the film we were watching.
After they went, I sat thinking about what I had learnt in 2010. Definitely that I can adapt to whatever if thrown at me. When my new line manager said that my trouble was I couldn't adapt to changes, I laughed in her face and although that was a bit cruel of me, just looking back over 2010 shows what changes have occurred to me and I was still fighting. Ok she was talking changes at work, but I had more pressing ones; mainly staying alive by going on overnight oxygen early on in the year and shortly afterwards going on full term oxygen. Even needing a trolley to help get me around didn't throw me that much, as it was my idea heavens forbid.
Giving up work was a huge change, but wasn't as awful as I originally thought. I do miss my friends at work, but not so much the work. Although I did find myself offering to do my eldest son's ironing, as I do need to feel a bit useful now and again.
I have learnt patience the hard way and that was a big change. I know letting go and having to let others take control proved very hard, especially when on the cruise in April/May, but when I admitted it to Derek and he assured me that I was just frustrated and not being a diva, I felt a hell of a lot better for it. Knowing when to pass things over was another lesson and knowing when my body needed rest was a big learning curve. Sometimes however much I want to do things, if it's going to make me suffer in the long run, then it just isn't worth it.
So see you can teach an old dog new tricks!
Lots of love Debbie x
Sunday 2 January 2011
Mother's medicine for your mojo
Day 2 of 2011 and thankfully feeling much more alert and although I've forgotten what its like to feel normal, I feel as normal as I can be for someone with two shite lungs that don't work properly anymore.
I feel restless, which is definitely normal for me. As I know I can't holiday in places where I want to holiday i.e. Turkey and if they do decide to go ahead with my transplant, then holidaying anywhere could prove limited and difficult while I'm on a waiting list, but I must have things to look forward to otherwise my mojo will suffer quite dramatically and that isn't me being a drama queen.
I think if you have things to look forward to, even just one exciting thing a month is good, then it keeps your spirits up and your mojo keeps on fighting, otherwise you slip into a premature nursing home type coma. I love the planning of events, what I'm going to wear, how am I getting there etc even if the planning puts me into a state of panic with how much oxygen and how many drugs will I need, but at least I feel as if I am in control and not the disease in control of me.
I had mother around for lunch today. She hasn't been outside her bungalow since Boxing Day as she had felt in pain with her arm and consequentially felt depressed and she had slipped all too easily into wearing her dressing gown all day. So some heavy duty nagging was put into place by yours truly.
Yesterday was step one where I got her to get dressed in real clothes and helped by me putting her dressing gown into the washing machine. Dirty tactics I know!
Today we ventured out to mine and although she enjoyed being over at mine for lunch, she was exhausted by the time she had walked back again and needed a glass of brandy to settle her. I am my mother's daughter when it comes to brandy! But this proves my point just how easy it is to slip into the easy option of sitting around and waiting for life to come to you.
Ok there are days like yesterday when it was a much needed rest day. I am learning to read what your body needs, then to regroup and to get ready to come back out fighting again.
So I'm taking mother's advice now and off to have the Jones/Burden medicine... brandy and lemonade... I'm not hard enough to drink it straight like her just yet, after all she is 93 very soon!
Lots of love Debbie x
I feel restless, which is definitely normal for me. As I know I can't holiday in places where I want to holiday i.e. Turkey and if they do decide to go ahead with my transplant, then holidaying anywhere could prove limited and difficult while I'm on a waiting list, but I must have things to look forward to otherwise my mojo will suffer quite dramatically and that isn't me being a drama queen.
I think if you have things to look forward to, even just one exciting thing a month is good, then it keeps your spirits up and your mojo keeps on fighting, otherwise you slip into a premature nursing home type coma. I love the planning of events, what I'm going to wear, how am I getting there etc even if the planning puts me into a state of panic with how much oxygen and how many drugs will I need, but at least I feel as if I am in control and not the disease in control of me.
I had mother around for lunch today. She hasn't been outside her bungalow since Boxing Day as she had felt in pain with her arm and consequentially felt depressed and she had slipped all too easily into wearing her dressing gown all day. So some heavy duty nagging was put into place by yours truly.
Yesterday was step one where I got her to get dressed in real clothes and helped by me putting her dressing gown into the washing machine. Dirty tactics I know!
Today we ventured out to mine and although she enjoyed being over at mine for lunch, she was exhausted by the time she had walked back again and needed a glass of brandy to settle her. I am my mother's daughter when it comes to brandy! But this proves my point just how easy it is to slip into the easy option of sitting around and waiting for life to come to you.
Ok there are days like yesterday when it was a much needed rest day. I am learning to read what your body needs, then to regroup and to get ready to come back out fighting again.
So I'm taking mother's advice now and off to have the Jones/Burden medicine... brandy and lemonade... I'm not hard enough to drink it straight like her just yet, after all she is 93 very soon!
Lots of love Debbie x
Saturday 1 January 2011
Happy New Year Everyone!!
Happy New Year!
Day 1 of the newbie has been a bit of a non event actually. Even though I didn't drink last night, I still woke up feeling like I'd had a night on the town with the late Oliver Reed. I felt awful this morning. Whether it is all the late nights and rich food etc catching up I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I've put a new slant on pale and interesting this morning: that's if you find a grey haggard pallor with dark rings under eyes interesting? Although I am interested to know how I feel this crap on one glass of champagne?
I was very late going to bed again last night, about 3.30am. We started ew eas Eve with a rather scrumptious meal cooked by Ken at Greta and Ken's house and then I was mentally scarred watching her and Julie on the Wii fitness. I actually even tried some of the balance ones myself I'm pleased to say! But the sight of Greta's behind swaying to and fro while trying to balance and move like little cartoon Chinese person doing 'rhythm kung foo' will be in my mind for a long while!
My oxygen intake has gone a bit awry as well today. One; I'm worried about going too far as I have little left in my unit and only one DD canister to last me until they next come on Wednesday and two; I was so busy playing my silly animal game on my mobile, I lost track of time and forgot to put the damn thing on. So probably not enough water intake and not enough oxygen, plus a week worth of celebrations has amounted to feeling in my mother's words... yuk!
So New Year's resolutions;
1; No being bitchy about people this year. Try and be more tolerant. So far that one is going well, as I broke it within 10mins last year thanks to Derek.
2; Take more care of myself, which means watching my fluid intake and oxygen intake. Ok I know I've cocked that one up already, but I'm allowing myself another chance on that one.
3; Let the unimportant things in life go with out getting so upset. That one should be hard, but as Derek is always quoting me, if I can change then do so, but if I can't chage then move on and don't fret, most things are neverif it's not life or death, then let it go... yeah right, but I'll give it a go.
4; Learn to count to 20 and not 10 with mother before losing my patience. Ooo toughie.
I think I can do that. Hopefully I will have recharged my batteries enough to try them all out tomorrow.
Lots of love Debbie x
Day 1 of the newbie has been a bit of a non event actually. Even though I didn't drink last night, I still woke up feeling like I'd had a night on the town with the late Oliver Reed. I felt awful this morning. Whether it is all the late nights and rich food etc catching up I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I've put a new slant on pale and interesting this morning: that's if you find a grey haggard pallor with dark rings under eyes interesting? Although I am interested to know how I feel this crap on one glass of champagne?
I was very late going to bed again last night, about 3.30am. We started ew eas Eve with a rather scrumptious meal cooked by Ken at Greta and Ken's house and then I was mentally scarred watching her and Julie on the Wii fitness. I actually even tried some of the balance ones myself I'm pleased to say! But the sight of Greta's behind swaying to and fro while trying to balance and move like little cartoon Chinese person doing 'rhythm kung foo' will be in my mind for a long while!
My oxygen intake has gone a bit awry as well today. One; I'm worried about going too far as I have little left in my unit and only one DD canister to last me until they next come on Wednesday and two; I was so busy playing my silly animal game on my mobile, I lost track of time and forgot to put the damn thing on. So probably not enough water intake and not enough oxygen, plus a week worth of celebrations has amounted to feeling in my mother's words... yuk!
So New Year's resolutions;
1; No being bitchy about people this year. Try and be more tolerant. So far that one is going well, as I broke it within 10mins last year thanks to Derek.
2; Take more care of myself, which means watching my fluid intake and oxygen intake. Ok I know I've cocked that one up already, but I'm allowing myself another chance on that one.
3; Let the unimportant things in life go with out getting so upset. That one should be hard, but as Derek is always quoting me, if I can change then do so, but if I can't chage then move on and don't fret, most things are neverif it's not life or death, then let it go... yeah right, but I'll give it a go.
4; Learn to count to 20 and not 10 with mother before losing my patience. Ooo toughie.
I think I can do that. Hopefully I will have recharged my batteries enough to try them all out tomorrow.
Lots of love Debbie x
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