Guardian angels at work

Isn't it strange how things work out sometimes. Just when you think everything is shifting beneath your feet making you feel out of control again, your friends give you good advice on how to start to put it right, but you have no idea how to put it into practise. Then things shift again and this time they start shifting into place.

I've always believed in guardian angels and this time I think they might have been giving me a helping hand to get things back on track.

One of my friend's husbands told me to go and see my doctor and ask for my medication to be upped or whatever it took to get them to contact my specialist. As they can't do anything now without the specialist's so say and by them contacting him, he would see that I wasn't gallivanting around, but actually struggling. No lies needed, as I am struggling and living a normal life is getting harder by the day. But I didn't want to waste the doctors time and didn't want to whine, which because of my 'I'm fine' smile, smile, has got me in this situation now.
Strangely enough on Thursday the doctor's receptionist called me and asked if I could make an appointment to see the doctor next week. Half an hour later, she rang again and asked to see me the next day instead. Now if that isn't my guardian angel stepping in, then my grand dad is a China man!

And luckily for me the doctors appointment was 10.30am as once again I was awake till the wee hours, this time 2.45am was the last time I looked at the clock before finally falling off to sleep, so I was able to sleep in till 9am.
The doctor wanted to talk about my 2nd sample being full of pseudomona and that the only way was to treat it would be IV drugs in hospital. I explained to her that I was aware all about the treatment, but it had colonized and I was stuck with it, managing it with colomycin as the last IV hadn't worked very well and it was after my last stay in hospital I started life on oxygen.
As she was new to the practise and would be my doctor, she wanted to get to know me and get up to speed about how I was coping in case their was anything that she could help me with. I explained that the lack of sleep was a huge problem for me and how things were harder work just lately, just getting up and dressed for example wore me out. She brought the letter up on her computer screen for me to read and I explained that the holidays weren't the relaxing, regenerating experience that I was hoping they would have been and that I was very confused about his turn about. I asked if I was I being penalised for trying to live as normal as I could?

It does look like I will have to have a short course of tranquilisers to get my sleeping back on track, but she has to ok it with my specialist first, which is why I said things have a strange way of working out and especially is you do things above board. Thank you guardian angel.

Lots of love Debbie x

Games, rules and false smiles

It's amazing how we bounce back. Monday I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet and today it's just another day. I'm not saying that I've brushed it away and come out smiling, but I have sat, taken note, rethought things and then come out smiling, although be it a false smile most of the time.

It was said today by a friend about her misfortune in a completely different situation, that she felt like she was playing in a game, but no one had explained the rules to her. I can see where she is coming from and I am now becoming a fast learner. Firstly I need to get pen to paper which was another friends advice and write to my specialist. I've got to play dumb by asking was there any news about the transplant that we had been talking about? To point out I felt my holidays weren't the relaxing success that I had hoped for, but proved to be quite debilitating as not only was I ill since coming back, but I am definitely slowing down more so since my return. Neither are lies, but he sees me for 20mins every six months and I stupidly try to make myself look like I'm not a whiner when I go for my appointment.

The 2nd part of the plan has taken shape without me even trying. That was to visit my local GP, but strangely enough, she phoned and was quite insistent that I went to see her first call was next week and then the 2nd call she fitting me in tomorrow. That's a bit worrying!

We went out last night for a meal at a rather posh restaurant in Writtle. Poshing up in a nice outfit and wearing a dab of perfume does great things to a flagging spirit. Fab was ok, but the company was great fun. Slept well last night.

Well we will see what the doctor wants tomorrow. Off to bed now

Lots of love Debbie x

The reality check

Well thanks to a large glass of white wine and a couple of pain killers, I slept wonderfully well!

I must admit it was a bit of a challenge getting up this morning as I really couldn't see the point of dragging my weary arse into work, so yes I was about 15mins late and I didn't really give a damn. And then I threw a full bottle of water across the room at the wall opposite in a fit of pique... must admit I was very impressed at Sally's reflexes when it came to ducking!
I had a good cry and felt better for it. I am so lucky to have so many caring friends around me, as without them I would have gone under a long time ago. Even if half of them patted or grabbed the arm that had the torture on it last night!

Oliver took me out to the Compasses for a meal and we talked about everything and anything which was lovely, bless him.

Ok so tomorrow is another day and I will grit my teeth and get on with it. But in future my specialist will see real me and not the rosy coloured one which gets knackered at the drop of a hat, but is so vain that she hides it. I will ask for help more and stay at home if I'm so tired that I just want to sleep. As Sam says this is one time that trying to show a positive outlook has backfired on me and I won't make that mistake again!

Lots of love Debbie x

Up the creek without a paddle

Well here's a conundrum. I've read the letter from my specialist to my physio and a) I have a new title; End stage lung disease secondary to bronchiectasis with severe airflow limitation. Well that sounds pretty dire, definitely up the creek without a paddle, but in my case without a transplant! As somewhere between me saying goodbye and him dictating his letter, b) I'm coping extremely well given the extent of my disability... all because I went on holiday twice. So I'm now to be reviewed again in October.

Bugger... When the music stops; all sit down. Talk about have your head scrambled! I nearly refused to do my sit to stands out of protest in rehab as I was so pissed off. I was told again just how 'stop start' this transplant business is, but although I'm hearing it and understanding it, I just feel so deflated and just so damn tired of it all. When I said 'sod it, I'll book another holiday for next year then', I was told I'd never be taken seriously if I'm well enough to keep going on holiday. I hardly think you could say that either one of the holidays were plain sailing, excuse the pun as one of them was a cruise, but they took every ounce of determination in my body to get through them.

So how am I end stage of an illness, but not ill enough????? Answers on a postcard????

Be glad to go to bed tonight as this has been zooming around my head ever since Thursday and now I feel like a wet rag thanks to my ramblings in my head finally stopping at 2.30am. I guess I'll sleep tonight from pure numbness.
I'm also in pain again from having physio on my impinged shoulder cuff. Bless him he looked mortified when I told him just how sore it had been after last week's torturing, so this week I had a small amount of torture, a bit of heat and a couple of acupuncture needles thrown in.
He did say carrying my mother's new hanging baskets from the car to her bungalow like a 'ye old milk maid,' probably hasn't helped matters this week. . Ironic that my impinged shoulder cuff is caused through the oxygen that is treating my 'severe airflow,' as the specialist put it. So perhaps sitting with balloons tied together in the shape of a comedy dog hat on my head at Julie's father-in-law's 80th birthday party, while my youngest son was rocking Milton Keynes with his music and meeting Liam Gallagher on Saturday night, is the way forward for me.

So no more trying to make the best of the hand your dealt with... No more life for me from now on! Ah buggar that, I'll just leave my make-up off and my mask off in future and my specialist can see the real me!

Lots of love Debbie x

bouncy castles

Still feeling a bit dispirited about the news that I might be put on hold again. I've tried to tell myself not to worry too much and not to over analyse the conversation I had with Hannah yesterday, but it's easier said than done. This was one of my nightmares that things could change again, but as my life is never straight forward I know not to fret over something that I have no control over. I'll know more Monday when I see Ruth and I have a party to go to in the meantime!
Besides if I'm on hold, then sod it I'll save up and go to Turkey in June next year!

Oliver is getting ready to play at Milton Keynes tomorrow with the Prodigy and I really wish I was watching them, but it's all sold out and I don't fancy being wheeled across a bumpy field if truth be known because he's not up to the limo stage yet. Hard being a part time rock god! But my baby boy, playing with Liam and co. How exciting!

Going to Julie's tonight for a meal and to turn more flowers into pretty displays. This time it is for her father-in-law's 80th birthday party. I was supposed to be going to my niece Jojo's 40th birthday party tomorrow as well as his do, but the poor lass has got Cellulitis or whatever it's called and is really rough with it. And as she says, if she can't bounce on the bouncy castle, then no other bugger is going to! Not that I could bounce on one before I was ill as they made me feel quite peculiar, but at least I would come in handy should it start deflating, as they could pump it up with my oxygen! I have my uses... not a lot, but some.
I don't think I could ever handle a water bed as surely that would have the same effect on me. Gosh fancy being seasick over your lover, now there's a thought and maybe one I should have kept to myself!

Lots of love Debbie x

Deflated balloon

Today I got the most horrible sinking feeling ever. I had my physio done at mine this afternoon and I asked Hanah what happens next with the specialist and the transplant. There was something in the way she said she wasn't sure that wasn't quite right, so I pushed her, but she stayed noncommittal in her answers and skirted around something to do with a letter.
I have the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, the kind of feeling when you've been dumped by a boyfriend, that I am going to be put on hold again.
I hoping that this isn't the case, but I knew right from the start, that he could change his mind as he's done it before, that I could get refused by the board of governors as my case wasn't strong enough, that they could run out of funds or a hundred and one other things could go wrong. Nothing is conclusive till they are sewing me up with the new goods inside me.
Now I will panic everyday until October comes when I speak to him again or I hear from him before hand. My head is now spinning. I know what will be will be and I will handle whatever is thrown at me, but now I feel my life is really on hold.

Mother was in one of her 'woe is me' moods when I got round there tonight and I really was near to tears, but no point crying there, as bless her she wouldn't understand.
Reni was fretting about the honeymoon. The people they are going with and actually paying for their honeymoon, are dragging their heels about certain bits and Reni feels a bit uptight about it all, so I couldn't chat to her about my worries when I was taking her to work tonight.
Oliver was rehearsing so I couldn't disturb him.
Feel like my balloon has burst and I just have to wait and see whether I'm adding two and two up and making five or what. Can't see me getting much sleep tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x

Heat and more heat

Blimey it was hard getting up today. I seem to be waking up earlier, but then I really go off soundly again and then I struggle to drag myself out of bed to get ready go to work.
At least I don't think I shared my bed with a mozzie last night. My other bites are more than enough to be going on with! The one on the back of my thigh is so itchy when it warms up from being sat on.

Have some lovely dark rings under my eyes again and really wish that I had enjoyed being off sick more last week if that makes any sense. I know you can't enjoy being off sick, but I could have just slept more and stopped worrying about the fact I wasn't doing things for the wedding and getting myself uptight, as I know now I had got it all under control by then anyway. Instead I was an old worry wart!
I still grin from ear to ear when I look at the photos and I think I'm beginning to run out of people to show them to and that will never do, I'll have to start on the students next!

Suppose to do my arm exercises today, but it still hurts like hell. Tried to swot a fly tonight and I wished I hadn't, because that brought tears to my eyes and I don't mean because I felt sorry for the fly.
No physio today as Sadie is in Egypt somewhere and Hannah can't do it until tomorrow. Still I'll be better for longer over the weekend when it's done on a Thursday.

Poor old mother is suffering in this heat and feeling everyone of her 92 and a half years. She's lost her appetite and says she is feeling yuk. Have to keep an eye on her. Oliver popped round to see her tonight and took her garden chairs back from the party on Saturday. She loves seeing him and he always bucks her up.
I think we all have post wedding blues.

Lots of love Debbie x

Circle of drugs

Ok, so yesterday I said I could be an excellent spy, as I could take pain as long as my torturer was good looking. Today I am saying my male physio (who is good looking) would make an excellent torturer, as there was no sign of any bruising or marks, but sweet jesus did my shoulder hurt like hell all day today, just like he predicted!

Looking back to when I first met him in Broomfield hospital, I should have had light bulbs going off in my old brain. As when he used give me my physio to drain my lungs, the man had so much power in those hands, that my fillings in my teeth would rattle as he did percussion on my back. My lungs would be as clear as a bell afterwards, but I would be moulded into my mattress in a hot and sweaty mess!
And to make matters worse it was my first day back at work and everyone came up and congratulated me for becoming a mother-in-law again by grabbing me on the shoulder as I sat at my desk... my poor pitiful shoulder.
AND I got bit on my thigh AND on my shoulder, yes the very same shoulder. I got bit by something with sharp teeth in my bed last night and it wasn't Eric the cute, but very dangerous vampire viking from the True Blood books!
By the time I put my piles cream on, my thrush cream on... I'll leave to your imagination, my freezer gel on my shoulder and now tea tree oil on my bites, I was running 15mins late for work and I still had to stop off at the hospital to drop off a sample to make sure the chest infection of last week has cleared up. The drugs to clear up that was why my piles were playing up and I had thrush in the first place. At least I remembered to write on the specimen tub before trying to get my sputum in!

Such is the circle of drugs!

Lots of love Debbie x

I need a lawyer!

Ow is it possible to sue God, as I'm sure most bodies come with a 70 year warranty at least and mine is definitely a dud.

So far today, I've been to rehab and done my exercises and now I've just come back from having shoulder physio. I know it's all good for me, but I hated exercise before I was ill and now I'm doing it in temperatures of 30 odd degrees. Ok I did have a spell of liking exercise, but the only exercise I liked was the rowing machine and the bike, as I could sit down on them and do it. The cross trainer thing scared me to death and the fitness instructor caught me dangling from its handle bar things so many times as it was moving too and fro, that she gave up and let me spend all my time on the things that I liked instead.
I know our re-hab isn't exactly like your techno gyms that are advertised on the bill boards with women in tight Lycra sports gear and equally tight ponytails swishing backwards and forwards or the men in cute shorts and glistening sweaty six packs. We're more your support tights and pearl necklaces for ladies and casual chinos and a nice woolly jumper whatever the weather for men and nothing swishes backwards and forwards in our classes, as we don't go fast enough!
Even Hannah gave up today and let us rest after two minutes for each exercise!

Tonight I had to have my shoulder cuff worked on again. This pain is caused through carrying the oxygen unit on just one shoulder. I know I should have worn it like a nerdy hiker and maybe I wouldn't of had this problem if I hadn't been so bloody vain in the first place. Looking back I would had gladly worn it like that, as I have just had a male physio... all be it a good looking one... shoving his thumbs in a rotating movement into my shoulder for what seemed a life time and saying if it hurts just tell me and I'll stop. The fact my eyes were screwed up tight and leaking eerso slightly and I now have teeth marks in my bottom lip, might have been a bit of a give away. But if I come back in another lifetime, I could easily be a spy, because if they catch me, they could torture me to hell and I wouldn't tell, as long as the torturer is good looking of course!

Lots of love Debbie x

Wedding Day 2

Day 3 of being a mother-in-law again and I am now knackered. My home is back to normal, bungalow hoovered and washed down within an inch of it's life, all crockery has been returned to it's rightful home, last drop of opened wine has been drunk, only 3 boxes of wine, at least 20 bottles of wine, 3 boxes of assorted beers and a pile of beers stacked outside my bathroom to drink... Oh happy days!
Derek came around at 7.30am to take down the marquee and I wasn't sure if someone was stealing the beers from my garden at first, but I decided I was too tired to really care. I then realised it was Derek and after about three quarters of an hour wrestling with my conscience, I got up and actually helped him... by making him a cup of tea... ok I am pretty useless!

Yesterday was another brilliant day for my babies wedding celebrations. Thanks to Julie, Derek, Natalie and Tif for working so hard getting the garden prettied up for the party. Jackie and Jim did the running about for me and the chopping of strawberries and cucumber for the Pimms. Greta had prepared a wonderful buffet to tempt every one's taste buds, with Ann being her apprentice for the morning chopping onions and frying the Chinese tit bits. Lynn and Julie were rushing about tidying up as we went along from 3pm till midnight and even battling with a bunch of gate crashing ants... they didn't last long against my girls! Thanks to my niece Jojo for getting emotional and entertaining everyone with her floods of tears and loud howls when we showed her Oliver and Reni's thank you presents to, Tim, Dwight and me. Many thanks to about sixty friends and family who turned up and celebrated the beautiful couple's day. Thanks to my families attempts at singing 'Jesus put this song into our hearts' throughout the evening. We couldn't get it right in the church and we got worst as the night went on. I can imagine irate neighbours ringing the police to complain. When asked what we were singing... Err... Jesus songs!

By midnight I sat in love with the twinkling lights in the marquee and the tea lights in the china cup arrangements on all the tables. It was rather like being on holiday and sitting on the beach on a warm night with a drink in your hand and looking up at the stars... you just don't want it to end.
I did have a panic attack half way through the afternoon and had to hide down the side of the bungalow just to gather myself again. Both Tim (my ex) and I had the same feelings about our baby belonging to someone else now, (even though Reni is so gorgeous and kind) but it does feel strange, like another chapter in our lives had been completed. We both had a hug and congratulated ourselves on a good job bringing up our boys. we may have done plenty of things wrong, but we certainly got them right.

I feel I should explain the eating my sister's tooth event a bit clearer. So lets begin; Helen was eating one of the wedding cupcakes, probably the third one as they were rather scrummy and she is a bit of a piggy! She bit on to one of the silver balls that you use to decorate cakes. Now she doesn't like them and I love them and exchanging bodily fluids doesn't actually worry us at all, so she took it out of her mouth and I ate it. About a second later she, found the silver ball still in some butter cream topping. Much giggling about what had I eaten, when she felt something was very sharp in her mouth. That's when she realised her tooth had broken on the silver ball and I had in fact ate her tooth and not the ball! Ah well these things happen especially in our dysfunctional family!

I managed tonight to have a lovely bath and to shampoo the dregs of dried rose petal confetti out of my hair from Friday... bliss. I couldn't yesterday, as I had Greta's large dressed salmon ready for the bath keeping cool in my bath! So now I am relaxed and keep looking at my lovely photo of Oliver and Reni. Helen and Ed had got it printed up and framed ready for me yesterday, so those who couldn't come could see them in their wedding outfits... They did look so stunning the pair of them even though I say it myself. And I still keep humming THAT hymn!

Good night all.. happy dreams

Lots of love Debbie x

A very proud day

Yay! I'm a mother-in-law again! And I'm drunk AGAIN!

Today was my baby boy Oliver's wedding to the very beautiful Reni and it went like a dream. I think everyone enjoyed it, I really hope so and I'm sorry if some came and others didn't, but we are not rich so corners had to be cut.
But the ceremony was a dream, Reni looked stunning, Tomi was a beautiful flower girl and her twin brother Tobi looked so proud giving her away. At this point I cried. My eldest son looked so handsome standing with his brother being his best man. At this point I cried. The minister was on top form and spoke so meaningful about some times our expectations are too high of each other... how true. Oliver and Reni looked so in love... At his point I cried...Tomi and I both gave a reading, Tomi's was E.E.Cummings and mine; Pam Ayres. We had trouble singing in tune to the last hymn, but we all belted it out anyway. The choir made up for it on the last one while they were signing the register. My mother looked absolutely stunning in black and cream, I was so proud of her and only drove me mad a little bit. I got shot in the face when looking to see if my confetti canon was the right way up and it decided to go bang when I was looking down it!.. At this point I nearly cried... I was fishing out confetti from my undies for quite a while.
The Compasses was brilliant and everyone had plenty to eat and drink. Oo and I ate my sister Helen's tooth... long story... It was in a cup cake... well she actually broke it on a silver ball in the cake and we both thought it was a silver ball when she took it out her mouth and gave it to me to eat, but then she found the silver ball still in her mouth... The first thought of ball turned out to be her tooth... Yep that really is a gross as it sounds.

I'm so proud of my baby. Weird how when they became a married man, you then think of them as a grown up man, but he has been my rock for so long. When I have been scared stiff in hospital and fighting to breathe... he has been there... When I have sat and cried uncontrollably because of divorcing or being made bankrupt... he was there telling me to go on... When I wanted to throw in the towel and die because I was so tired of being ill... he was there pushing me on... Thank you baby, you are going to make Reni an amazing husband, because you are an amazing son.

I am a very soppy sop at the moment, but I don't care. I have got so many things wrong in my life, but I did so right when we had our two sons. Dwight and Oliver, I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for being my sons xx

Lots of love Debbie

The night before!

My baby boy gets married tomorrow and I am horizontal. I'd like to say it's because I'm calm, collected and laid back about the forth coming nuptials, but I'd be lying... it's because of the second glass of wine that I've just drunk with Me Julie.

I think I deserve it though, as to start with I woke up to gale forth 9 winds. Ok maybe not that strong, but one of the gazebos has been playing cat and mouse with me all day long around my garden. I have tied it down with string and cellotaped it to anything I could and it still bucked and bronchoed like an unbroken stallion. Gosh I must be drunk, as that sounded quite poetic!
Anyway after reinforcements arrived and took the cover off, used more cellotape and then banged nails into it within an inch of it's life... the wind dropped!

I had physio and was well and truly beaten up, as the penicillin has dried and stickied the nasties up somewhat. Jesus my back stung when I came out the hospital.

I have fretted about which flowers to buy, so brought loads and then fretted about the fact I wouldn't be able to eat for the rest of the month now. Still they look beautiful , even though I say it myself. I forgot how much I love flower arranging and how calm it is flower arranging in a church. Glad it was calm as I had to do my mother's hair afterwards and any peace I had went straight out the window! I've asked my sister to pick her up tomorrow and take her to the church, as I think I need a little time on my own.

I really love my daughter-in-law to be, but it's going to feel weird seeing my baby saying his vows and coming out of the church as a grown up. I just so know I'm going to cry.

Plus my bum hurts... enough said on that matter.

If this makes no sense... I'm sorry... Now know, that you shouldn't drink and takes drugs!

Lots of love Debbie x

Big grin today

I feel more in control again today and feeling a lot better which a most welcome feeling.

I had my toe nails gelled and painted again last night ready for Friday by Ann, who not only does beautiful nails, but is also a sports masseuse if that's the correct word I'm looking for and once a month puts my back and shoulders out of their misery. Anyway I was telling her about the cute physio guy and how he said that my shoulder had a 'something something rotated cough' to which she laughed her head off and told me it was a 'cuff' not a 'cough', so yes I am a dompah with bad hearing!
I love my deep red toe nails and the fact that I don't have to repaint them for weeks on end once she's gelled them. I will miss not having them done when I'm waiting for the transplant.

My excellent friends Derek and Julie who I love and adore, came tonight to put up the mini marquee and the gazebos in my garden and it looks fab. I was totally useless of course and just sat there unable to made a decision about anything, in fact their little grand-daughter was of more use then me as at least she was watering my plants... and herself admittedly. So I made tea instead. Was a bit concerned that I may wake up tomorrow and either the marquee will be half way down Silver Street hanging on someones washing line or I'll have an extended family of Nomads living in there complete with my hanging baskets!

I sorted out all the pretty tea cups and teapots that we are using for table decorations on Friday ready to take tomorrow. I've done a little diagram ready to give to Emma at the Compasses, as bless her she said she would get it all ready for them. Felt good doing something again as I felt so useless the last couple of days.
The man two doors down from me, sent loads of cherries around for the table on Saturday as Reni really wanted that as a centre piece and his tree is so heavy laden with them. Mind you he sent not one, but three big bowls full round and I must not be tempted after what my poor old bottom has been through!

I think I will go to bed smiling tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x

Bumholes...

Had a good nights sleep and not feeling as naff, though stomach is still causing a few problems. One problem now is where my bum is sore from the past effects of the Augmentin. Putting it mildly my piles. I am now worrying that if I bend over and pass wind, that I could have someone's eye out with the anusol bullet. I am walking around with my bottoms cheeks so tight that I look like... well... like someone trying to keep something rammed up their bum!
How do prisoners manage to smuggle in a mobile phone, charger and plug for god's sake????

Feel like I should be doing something for the wedding and at the moment I haven't the energy and I'm not liking this state at all. If I'm not rushing around and getting in a lather, but feeling in control, then I'm not happy. As everyone knows... I am a control freak, shame I can't control my bum without having a silly look on my face!
Had everyone saying not to go to work tomorrow which I really do agree with, but I don't want people to think I'm not going in because of the wedding. Bloody hell. I've more of a conscience that I thought and I am really ill... duh so keep off work Deborah. You may have realised there is an inner battle going on here, I have finally cracked!

So apart from going mad and having trouble with my bum, there's nothing more to report!

Lots of love Debbie x

Bye bye Augmentin.. hello Doxcycline

And we are back to the drawing board. 3.30am I actually drifted off to sleep after laying tossing and turning in a vain attempt to find a cool spot in my bed.
I'm not sure if it was sleeping so long this morning, the heat, the drugs or the infection or maybe a bit of everything, but sleep was evading me well and truly. I got up at 9am so not to have a re-run tonight, plus I had to check on whether I should still go to the oxygen clinic and re-hab.
No and no. Oxygen clinic would get a misleading result and Ruth declared me unfit to exercise and changed my tablets, which is just as well as I have a nice rash going up my leg!

Thought I'd try myself out ready for work tomorrow by going to get a couple of bits from the supermarket. I'm not hungry, but I really fancy some fizzy drink.
Well that was enlightening, waves of nausea, sweating like mad so all my hair was stuck to my head and felt like the floor was going to come up and hit me right between the eyes. I was sure that that the security guard thought I had nicked something as I was acting so weirdly... Oh and how many days to Oliver's wedding... oh yes... four! Oh lordy lordy.

Ok determined something and that is I'm not ready for work tomorrow. Hopefully a good nights sleep tonight and rest up tomorrow, plus it is a bit cooler so that's a big bonus.
Feel very tearful too as I have things to do and can't and to crown it all, I think I've upset my brother. Why can't I please everyone and why can't my body act like a normal person's body?
Life sucks.

Lots of love Debbie x

lots of love, but not to ants!

Ah bliss... I slept till 10.55am and probably would have still been there if my house phone hadn't have rang. Maybe not as when I did stir the Augmentin made it's presence known. I wonder if I will lose any weight?

Looked more human though, which is a good thing with prospect of wedding photos to be taken. I actually look as if I have lost the bags and the dark circles under my eyes... bonus. And as I can't drink while on these tablets, hopefully I might lose a pound or two.

I did have to do a bit of housework though, as where I went to rescue my mother from her demented door bell last night, which for some bizarre reason decided to start ringing and wouldn't stop until I walloped it with her walking stick. I had walked in some trampled cherries from the tree that overhangs the path between mine and hers and consequently walked some of the debris into my bungalow. I had to throw my slippers away, as some of it was stuck firmly unto the bottom of the soles and was sticking to the carpet as I walked.
Woke up to find lots of ants feeding on my sweet footprints.

Now I hate ants. I had a nasty experience with them many moons ago when the boys were mere babies. I had left my inhaler in my handbag on the back of our settee, but I had also left the cap off the inhaler. First thing in the morning I came downstairs probably half asleep as I would be with two babies who failed to know what the word sleep meant. I shook it and took a blast from the said inhaler and sent an extended family of ants and all their friends and their families down my throat into my lungs! Now a blast on an inhaler comes out at 70 mph apparently so there was no stopping that baby once it's had started. I think I was throwing up for the next hour once I'd stopped being hysterical! How people of a different culture think ants, all be them covered in chocolate, are a delicacy is beyond me. Those horrible little creepy crawlies taste as bitter as hell.

I now always keep my cap on, I always look out for squatters of the creepy crawlie kind and always keep a can of ant killer under my sink!

Lots of love Debbie x

Augmentin sucks!

It's official... Augmentin makes you feel worse than what the chest infection does.

Up till Friday I just thought I was overtired and overheated, but noooo it's a bloody chest infection. Felt crap yes, but now I feel like death warmed up. These bloody tablets give you a temperature, well I think they do, it's so hot again it's hard to tell what is the heat and what is drug induced. They made you feel sick or it could be the heat again. I'm not sure, but I know I'm having great waves of nausea all day long. They give you stomach cramps, no wait that could be down to the heat too: I don't know anymore! And I am so tired, but it's too bloody hot to sleep anywhere.

I should count my blessings though that this infection can be cured with penicillin this time and that I'm not being dragged into Broomfield hospital for a ten day stay. They would have had to drag me in kicking and screaming this close to Oliver's wedding I can tell you and they would have to confiscate more than my slippers to keep me there!
I did feel really sorry for myself though when I should have been going out to a BBQ and then at the last moment decided to stay and watch TV on a Saturday night instead, but this close to the marital finishing line, I'm taking no chances.

I can tell you, when I do get the green light it's going to feel so weird waking up from the operation and feeling full of life again. Ok, it's not going to be a hospital bed of roses owing to the fact that I'm going to be in a lot of pain thanks to having my chest cut open and my heart and lungs removed, but I will feel normal again and that's going to be amazing.

So for the time being, I'm going to bed and feel sorry for myself, but I will do whatever I have to do to be well for Oliver and Reni's big day.

Lots of love Debbie x

I spy a magpie

I think Oliver and Reni's wedding being only a week away now has got me on high alert when it comes to superstitions.
I am the first person to say when it comes to magpies, I am a nutter. I salute them and I say my 'good mornings' to them and even ask how their families are that day! And believe me we have a lot of magpies in this part of Essex.
When I used drive into work with Oliver each day, I would drive him mad as we would be mid sentence of something quite in depth and I would break off to do my little rhyme.
Then when I realised I was in serious jeopardy of being made to walk the last few miles to work, I would say it under my breath and pretend to scratch my head while doing the salute. Of course that didn't have him fooled and he would snap 'mother I can see your lips moving!'
But nothing pleases me more as when I see two magpies together... two for joy! I just know it's going to be a good day.

I'm now panicking when I look out at the weather each morning and throughout the day. I'm hoping it will rain now for three or four days solid and then stop before Thursday 15th... St Swithens day. Now those who don't know about St. Swithens day, if it rains on this day it will then rain for 40 days and 40 nights continually. I can try and foresee any problems for the big day and believe me my brain is going into overdrive with what can go wrong, but you can not control the weather god damn it.
I wonder if I have any spells at all in my bedroom drawer for weather? I had a new one this month for anti-bitchiness and by god I need that one, as there are a few driving me mad at work at the moment.

Had my first physio on my arm today and strangely enough it was the young physio who looked after me in hospital on my first couple of stays for my postural drainage. Looks like Dr Meesters' warning of me getting Dowagers hump if I wasn't careful could be coming true as I am very round shouldered thanks to years of how I used to stand when being a hairdresser and for carrying my oxygen unit around for the last three years, slung over one shoulder. Even my shoulder has a cough, as I have what is called a muscle rotating cough... well I think that's what he said, only he's got a really strong Irish accent and he's so cute looking I wasn't really concentrating on what he was saying. But to be fair, I've done all my ironing tonight and watered all the pots and hanging baskets AND did my exercises that he showed me. The worst pain comes from standing up straight with my shoulders back!
I will be a new woman. But for now from the old one...

Lots of love Debbie x

Love to Lyons

Hectic day at work, for the first couple of hours I didn't know whether I was coming or going and people seemed to be in grouchy moods too today and that was before the bombshell.
Sad news from the daughter of one of the LSAs who has just retired and that is he died on Monday.
Seems so bloody unfair only to fall after you've completed all the hurdles in your life and you should be enjoying doing nothing with your family and he was a real family man, so proud of them. He enjoyed helping people get the best out of themselves whether it was at the uni or in the prison where he also worked.

Had two of my friends round for a meal tonight. Love having them round as we have a good old natter and it is quite a challenge, as one of them doesn't eat anything remotely healthy and then doesn't like much either! Still we always have a giggle and put the world to rights over a glass of wine or two... well not the one who doesn't eat proper food as she doesn't drink either... now that IS what I call weird!

Lots of love Debbie x

Oh what a beautiful morning

Oh what a difference a good nights sleep makes. I wouldn't say I slept like a baby as in my experience, a baby cries most of the night and pees one's self and I certainly don't do that... well not yet at any rate!
No I actually slept right round till 6am and then some more after I got up to the bathroom for a wee, so see I am potty trained.

No the day was so much better today. I was quite pleasant to be around. I was smiling and laughing and talked a load of crap as per normal, but it was crap that made sense in mine and Sam's world.
And best of all, I saw Oliver's wedding ring... Oh fab! Now that is what you call just made for Oliver. More will be revealed, but not until the wedding; unless you work in my office or are one of my best friends, because.. you'll already know and in great detail!
The minister called me tonight for Tim's details for the wedding certificate and I thought I better warn him about the ring. He roared with laughter... 'Sounds just like Four weddings and a Funeral' was his reply!

Well early to bed for me again. It's not hot and balmy again tonight, in fact it's a bit on the cooler side, but I keep yawning so, camomile tea for me and a magazine. So goodnight and mind the bed bugs and daddy long legs don't bite.

Lots of love Debbie x

Counting sheep

Just read yesterday's entry again and what a lot of twaddle! I knew I was feeling drained, but blimey I sure do talk some crap when I'm tired and it got worse today as I barely had any sleep last night.

It was so sultry last night, barely no movement in the air at all. To make matters worse there was so many daddy long legs who had decided to squat in my house, that I couldn't have the bedroom windows open until all the lights were off.
The heat was unbelievable and I was so exhausted that I didn't have the energy to drag the electric fan out from behind the screen in my bedroom. I saw every half hour in until about 3am just gone. I think I must have drifted off laying on top of the bedclothes, because when I woke up this morning my body sweat must have chilled on me where the night air temperature dropped as I could barely move where I was so stiff. It was a case of going in late to work I'm afraid as I really didn't feel a well bunny and I needed a warm bath to try and ease my aching shoulder etc.

At work I had trouble actually speaking properly and a call from the oxygen company where the portable unit still hasn't turned up made matters worse. I just wanted to sit and howl. I did feel sorry for the man, but I had a signed collection from FedEx, the post room said he had taken it at long last and it's still missing and FedEx is trying to blame us.
Tireness then started to really kick in as for every one thing I dropped, I knocked over another three things trying to pick it up. Emails made no sense when I read them and it seemed harder than after when trying to explain things to students.
After a nose bleed I gave up and went home to try and grab 20mins sleep before rehab. I had no intention of actually doing the exercises just getting my stats done, but Ruth has a gentle way of persuading you and yes I did feel better for doing it. Seems madness that I now do more exercise then I ever did before I was ill and in this heat!

Luckily tonight it is cooler... I won't count my chickens yet, but hopefully I'll get more than three hours tonight. So nite nite

Lots of love Debbie x

Err I feel yuk

It's true, you can have a hangover before you go to sleep! Woke up with a thirst that would put a horse to shame. Does that make sense or am I still drunk? What I'm trying to say is something about horses being led to water, but I think I've got my stories muddled up, so I'll just shut up while I'm slightly ahead.

I do have black circles under my eyes which is not a good look... I'm beginning to look like Shabby from Big Brother! The heat is now wearing me out big time. Just trying to do the simplest of tasks is ten times harder as I'm not sleeping properly and if I don't sleep, I can't function properly. Still I think we got the wedding venue sorted out which is good news. Managed to cook mother a lovely lunch even though Oliver and Reni brought me a fab brunch about three hours earlier that day and would have easily lasted me throughout the day. Pruned my roses, did my washing and went to the cinema, mainly because it's cool in there.

I'm now so tired that I can't see straight, so I think time for bed.

Lots of love Debbie x

Happy days are here again

Been a really heavy week this week one way or another. Nearly got the wedding details sorted out, but most the of meetings I had were all on the same evening which was a bit of a bummer, as I almost met myself going backwards at one point.

Started with my physio session. Believe me, laying on a PVC covered couch, hanging near enough upside down and literally having the crap beaten out of you by a gentleman with percussion movements that rattle your fillings in your teeth as he beats your back, is a wee bit tiring in this heat!
My hair was stuck down onto my head, I had mascara everywhere and I smelt of baby puke from where I cuddled a sweet gorgeous baby earlier.
After that the evening could only get better!

Actually my weekend has been fab so far. We went to Suffolk to my Lynn's cottage Friday night and had our meal out in her garden, that luckily doesn't smell of babies puke, but gorgeous aromas from honeysuckle, roses etc.
Woke up this morning with a hangover, but helped Julie by getting all the flowers made into pretty posies and displays for the party later. Felt really good to be of some use again and doing my bit for Natalie and Tif's first wedding anniversary BBQ at Julie's. And best of all, I had photos taken of me laughing my head off. I haven't had that done in ages even on both of my holidays which I really enjoyed, but I was looking strained with my shoulders up by my ears!
Amazing how learning what you're scared off really helps you stopping being scared and relaxes you, if that makes sense... shit or bust I guess????

So tomorrow I know I will wake up with yet another hangover because as I'm typing this I'm hiccuping nonstop and I've got to sort out the final details at the wedding venue first thing so no lie in, but I'm looking forward to it.

Lots of love Debbie x