Call the fire bridgade

I am sooooooo tired after yesterday's hospital marathon and the jury is still out on my visit to the dentist, as I'm sure it's the wrong tooth.

I knew I had to get up early for a workman who was coming round this thing and unfortunately I have another workman tomorrow morning, so no reprieve there either.
I thought I'd be clever and get into my hoodie and my pj bottoms early and just doze sitting upright on the bed. Unfortunately the the upright doze turned into a full scale slump on the bed in a snoring session and when the door bell went, I leaped up so fast that I didn't know where I was.
With a false smile, I guided him into the bathroom and showed him the offending electric switch, only to be told that, although I had a lovely bathroom 'madam,' but he was actually here to service the gas boiler. Duh... picky picky!

Actually I'm glad that I am even here, as I picked up my cream for my sore nostrils yesterday afternoon and although the oxygen team recommended it, the pharmacist, should that I couldn't use it when wearing my oxygen.
A slight flaw to this plan I thought, being that I am on it nearly 24hrs all day everyday nowadays.
Hannah checked with the oxygen team again and was told that he was just being over cautious. Hmmmm believe me, when I put my nose specs on after putting the cream up my nostrils for the first time last night, I was a wee bit cautious too.
What good screwing my face up and facing away from the unit would have done me if it was going to blow up, I don't really know, but luckily I didn't find out!
But I'm happy to report, me and my face are both still intact and the cream has already made a huge improvement on my poor old nose. The poor thing had cracked quite intensely inside from the near on constant oxygen use. Touch wood no nose bleeds since yesterday afternoon... hoorah!
I just feel that I am playing Russian Roulette each time.

Lots of love Debbie x

Hat trick!

Yay... hat trick... three hospitals in one day and you can throw in a trip to the dentist as well!
Started with a morning appointment to the dentist and I must say £45 for a tiny filling is a bit extreme, especially as it wasn't even a proper filling, but a surface filling and she said the chances are it will probably fall out, as they don't hold well!
Plus what is it with the medical profession that as soon as you say 'this time next year, I could be a new woman', that they all say 'Oh you can return back to work then!'
After years of trying to get me to stop work, they now want to send me back again...why??
I should have turned round and said to her that I have been thinking about doing something for the environment and as I have heard somewhere that the peak of Mount Everest is littered with rubbish, that I have volunteered to do rubbish picking up there. Give me a couple of months and a supply of mauve bin bags and I should have it ship shape in no time!

Next was a quick zoom back to my bungalow as I forgot my sample to take into St.Michael's back in Braintree, just down the road from the dentist... grrrgghh.
As they were worried about me yesterday, I thought that I better do the sample that Hannah had asked me to do last week and just put every one's mind at rest, including my own, as I have been a bit more weirder than normal.

I then set off to Broomfield hospital to pick up my monthly supply of drugs from their pharmacy.
It's quite an adventure going there now it has been turned into this ultra modern hospital.
I was able to pop into W.H.Smith's to buy my weekly magazine and met two of my ward nurses pouring over the best sellers in the book section. After a chat of which ones we recommended each other, with lots of Ooos and Ahhs, I nipped into the M&S that they have just opened up and brought my lunch plus my dinner for tonight.
I did think about having a posh coffee in one of the coffee shops there when I remembered that they also have the winter D&T bug in the wards, and that was something I didn't want to bring home!

I then popped home for a little catnip after seeing the girls at work and before setting off again to St Peters in Maldon for my weekly physio session.
Because of the scare with my stats yesterday, Ruth decided to check me over and asked why I had drawing on my back? Now I swear that I have had two showers and a bath since Saturday night, but I obviously hadn't got all the artwork off and I hope Ruth couldn't make out the giant penis and 'Debbie loves cock' which Julie had scribbled all over my back, after pinning me to the table at the 'Scouts Music Quiz' with a Biro bless her. Still at least it wasn't my forehead which she was aiming for!
I am now shattered both in mind and body. Goodnight all.

Lots of love Debbie x

Another day, another a lot of medicine

Oliver seems to think that my emotions are all over the place at the moment with what is going on and I'm inclined to agree with him.

This last couple of months, I beat myself up over the smallest of things and when I do have bad thoughts or not even necessarily bad thoughts, just questioning things or other peoples actions, I tend to sink into this place of self loathing and start thinking about buying a hair shirt on ebay!
I have always believed in Karma and at the moment, I am terrified that if I have a mean thought about someone, then I won't get my transplant and as I have a short threshold of tolerance at the moment, I am having a lot of questionable thoughts going on in my head which doesn't help my state of mind.
There is still no sign of my letter from Papworth, so perhaps I shouldn't go out anymore so I am not tempted to tut at people.

I had a lovely interlude today and drove over to see one of the older ladies from rehab for lunch, well actually they are all older than me.
I was definitely having a blonde moment, as I had real doubts about where her village had gone. I knew I was on the correct road, but I couldn't remember it being that far out and really wondered if it was possible to lose a whole village.
Luckily I found it and found her house. My goodness what a house.
She is an absolute darling and very easy to chat to. She showed me around the ground floor of her home and all the lovely photos of her past on the walls. It was sad to see in these photos this different dynamic lady, who just oozed fun and high jinx, to the lady in front of me who was labouring with her breath and in pain. I wondered if she had the same pang of regret as I do when I look at my photos?

I had two medical type phone calls today; one was about my stats being a bit all over the place and my heart rate especially which was too high again. She asked if there was any reason and was my heart was fluttering as before and although it was slightly, it wasn't bad enough to complain or should I? I never know when I'm being a wimp.
The second was from the oxygen team to say that I was to have an oxygen arm or something of that nature to stop my nose from hurting so much. She thinks that my nostrils now probably have an infection from where the skin inside them has cracked. It would explain a lot, as they have been filled with solid blood clots for the past week and quite painful. Not nice I know for you to read, sorry. She also recommended me some cream to ask the doctor for which will help we hope. Otherwise it sleeping etc with an oxygen mask until it clears up and I'm not good with an oxygen mask as they make me sweaty and claustrophobic, so fingers crossed.

Lets see what tomorrow brings as it's the dentist in the morning and I'm sure I shall have another list of impending disasters by lunchtime!

Lots of love Debbie x

Questions that I ask myself

Well nothing horrid happened to me last night in karma fashion for being a bad daughter!
Well apart from spiders. I have found four squished ones so far and two of them have been in my bedroom... Yuk! Has mother sent her eight legged friends round to put the frighteners on me, if she has it's working!?
Actually well before the 'Dancing on Ice' final started, we were ok again, but I still felt a bad daughter for throwing a moody and walking out yesterday. Perhaps I should be even more chilled with her, but I did find her complaining and then repeating her complaining over and over where she forgets, very hard going indeed.

Strangely enough, this morning when I went to the loo first thing, I had a slight show of blood? Only a tiny bit, but it's been a couple of years since I last had a show and not since 2007 that I had a proper period. This could explain the foggy head and why I felt like emotionally challenged blockhead yesterday. God if it's not one thing it's another!

Had another curve ball thrown at me too and I wasn't sure and still not sure how to handle my feelings about this.
I met one of the old village ladies that I hadn't seen for years and we stopped for a chat outside the Co Op this morning.
She was telling me how her daughter was waiting for a lung transplant too and how she wondered who would get the transplant first out of the pair of us. I don't know what stage her daughter is at in the scheme of things as she wasn't very clear, but I felt my hackles come up, as I had the most uncharitable thoughts about her and I felt quite ashamed of myself.
The lady I was talking to is a really nice woman, who takes care of herself and worked right up to her retirement, but her daughter was a real drop out. She hasn't worked for years, not since well before either her last child was born and not because of illness either. She has three maybe four children by different fathers all of them not around, although one was deported. She smoked like a trooper and was always worse for drink when I knew her and her children were troublesome to say the least.
But should that stop her having a second chance at having a proper life? Goodness I don't know and who is to say that I am better than her, as I haven't been absolutely pure as snow either? And as bitches go just lately, I am a Bitch with a capital B and all my high hopes of not saying anything if I can't say something good, went straight out the window ages ago.
But I really can't get it out of my mind that she might not look after these lungs either?

Lordy, not only am I a bad daughter, but a bad human being too now! I'm on the escalator to Hell I can see it now!

Lots of love Debbie x

Every one a winner

Blimey, I feel like I've lost a few days along the line here, as I hadn't written on here since Wednesday.
I have had a few bad nights sleep and that has rather sent me a bit topsy turvy in my sleeping habits, plus I have a foggy head.

Thursday I had to take mother out to lunch after a really pants night's sleep and she is becoming increasingly hard work just lately. Where ever you take her nowadays and I don't mind taking her anywhere she wants to go, she either doesn't really like it or isn't hungry even though she has insisted that we eat and will order three courses every time!
I know that it is more social for her than anything else and I try to be aware of that, but I was eating out that night with the girls from work and could have done without two meals and with extras where she kept putting bits of hers on my plate.
I went to the comedy club after the evening meal with the girl which was good fun, but I still didn't sleep particularly well again, so getting more tired by the day.

Friday was my day to let 28 students from Essex University loose on me, so they could learn how to do postural drainage on me and to learn how to pummel without slapping!
I am happy to report that every single student was a winner and their prize was a sample of phlegm, although there was a bit of slapping going on that I had to tell them about and I had burst some blood vessels around my eyes and down the side of my face from coughing so hard to make sure everyone got phlegm!
Small price to pay really and they all have to learn somewhere. I'll be rather surprised if I have any phlegm again come next Christmas after that!
I did sleep for a solid 90 mins on the sofa and then again for another 30mins in the bath where I was so exhausted.

Saturday I had a bitty day, doing a bit here and a bit there and not really achieving much at all, as still extremely tired.
We went to the Silver End Scout's Music Quiz in the evening and if it hadn't been for the fact that my team let me write down the answers, then I've had nothing to do as I was next to useless. I am one of these that goes 'Mmm I know that one' and hasn't a scooby do who sang it.
We all went round to Greta's afterwards to finish off the night, but I had to leave when I ran out of oxygen. Shame as I had actually found some games on her Wii that I could do without knackering myself too much.

Today lost an hour thanks to British Summer time starting and lost my temper with mother. It is the first time since I was a stroppy teenager that I had to walk out and leave her in case I shouted at her and it really upset me.
I had so much to do here with all the filling in the government forms that arrived yesterday, who want to know the ins and outs of everything. How do these people con the government, as I find being honest hard enough? I do have a fear of forms as I've mentioned before in case I tick the wrong box and they whip me off to jail for fraud.
My head was hurting and mother was in one of her snappy moods that used to infuriate my poor old dad when he was alive and I really had better things to do today than to suffer that. If she wanted to go out then fine, but not this sniping.
I felt no better for going home as I have been back twice to make sure she is ok, and she told me when I went back the first time, that she fell over as soon as I left. I have already had my sister on the phone wanting to know what happened and why we were arguing.
Great... I am a bitch.
Hopefully we all feel happier tomorrow.

Lots of love Debbie x

Calling all fairy godmothers

And I'm back to square one with my hair colour... yep I am grey again. Don't ask me how, as I've used this colour before and it looked lovely then, this time the white has soaked up the ash blonde and the stubborn gold in my hair has remained gold. Before I washed it for the second time, I looked darker than I did before I started dyeing it again and it looks as if I had the smokers stain running through the front. Where did I put my son's house keys so I can nick his bobble hat!

At least it was the most beautiful of days today with blue skies and real warmth on your face. Of course there are those who didn't have my mother as a mum, with her warnings of 'Never cast a clout till May is out!' Some of those devil-may-care folk who were out in the sunshine today had casted off most of their clouts right down to strappy t-shirts, which I do think was going a wee bit too far, especially on little children.
Driving home from Maldon where I have my Wednesday physio session, was glorious.
I passed little tiny lambs in the fields, may blossom bursting out in the hedgerows and random daffidols popping up everywhere. Hmmm perhaps it's not the month of May that we have to worry about, but the flowering tree?

Everywhere looked lovely, apart from on the physio couch where I was bringing up lots of nasties again.
I think I should have been a bat, as I spend half my week hanging upside down on physio couches, although bats are an endangered species so they don't have some one whacking the life out of them!
It seems that the new inhaler that my specialist decided to try on me, isn't agreeing with me, as I'm feeling a bit on the tight side across my chest and have a really sore dry cough with it. So it was agreed after a deliberation on the phone to other physios and respiratory nurses, to stop that one asap.

I'm feeling rather sleepy again as although I dropped off to sleep quickly last night, I woke up about 2.30am and couldn't get back to sleep again. My feet were so hot and itchy and I had that horrible restless leg syndrome, so I got up and read for about an hour while my feet hung outside the side of the bed cooling down.
I'm a bit worried a bit mother as well, as she looked very tired and pale today, plus she was complaining that her arm kept nipping. I do hope she isn't about to have a stroke or something.
Just as her back and under tummy have started healing nicely, we have another problem on the horizon.
I wonder if there are any fairy godmothers around that could wave their magic wand and let us both have a week of being fit and healthy for a change?

Lots of love Debbie x

Lost; one brain

It is official, I bloody hate form filling. I think this is when I hate living on my own, as I have no one to help me when I need it there and then and no one to shout at and blame when I can't find the correct papers.
I am really lucky as my friend's husbands have all been wonderful at helping me with various tasks, but I can't rely on them all the time as it's not fair and I should be able to d to this paperwork on my own, but my brain has turned to mush!
I do have a good filing system with coloured files etc and can usually put my hand on any paperwork that I require, but can I find my tenancy agreement, can I hell as. I have turned my top drawer inside out and tomorrow I will take every drawer apart and go through it again, before admitting defeat and ringing up Greenfields and asking for a copy.

Form 1; Getting an up to date sick certificate from the doctors for Jobseekers.
Normally she just gives them to me over the phone, but this time I had to go and see her. Why? No real reason, just she wanted to see how I was getting on and to touch base which was all very nice, but I have so much to do today.
She gave me a certificate for a year as she feels that after my transplant, I might want to return to work. Are you kidding me, why? I have dragged my weary ass in for years when I felt that I physically couldn't go on and now she is the second person to say I can go back to work.
Maybe when I have energy again I may feel very different, but at the moment I can't even visualise what it must feel like to be able to breathe normal again and not need to sit down after having a shower, standing stirring gravy, hanging out my washing or just something simple like bending over to put on my shoes.
Form sent...tick.

Form 2; Applying for free prescriptions and dental treatment etc on a HC1 form. Once my money gets short and living on a pension gets tough, then I'm going to need help. Why shouldn't I have good teeth for free?
Form sent...tick.

Form 3; Applying for my rent and council tax rebate. This is where I thought I had all the correct paperwork and after waiting in line, I was told that I hadn't, but I might get away with what I had brought in.
I felt so stupid, as I used to check our students forms for various funding and then I was the one sitting behind the desk shaking my head, wondering how hard was it to read a form... Actually bloody hard, I am so sorry students that you had to go through this and I do hope that I was never to condescending to you.
Form handed in, but have strong feeling it will be coming back again, so no tick!

In fact I think all of the forms will probably come back to me and that includes yesterday's tax form, as at the moment I feel incapable of stringing a sentence together, let alone completing a government form.

I had my physio done at St Michael's today and sorry about this if you are eating, but my phlegm was very green again and I have a hell of a headache today. I'm hoping the headache is stress from mother, as she has been rather demanding just lately and has already given me yet another shopping list for tomorrow.
I'm not really enjoying my food either at the moment as I can't taste it unless it's really strong flavours. I do hope I haven't got something else brewing. And if it is my drugs, I do hope I will get my tastebuds back again, as it's been a while and I love my food.
I received a letter from Broomfield hospital in the post today. Not actually for an appointment for my coronary angiogram as yet, but advising me that I am on the list so it should be soon, but they want to decide if I have to have a right heart catheter too.... Ooo why?
That sounds so painful, will I be knocked out for that or what?
I am feeling a bit wimpy about this procedure. Whip out my heart and lungs no problem as I'll be asleep, but having this done under a local... arrgghh no likey at all!

I feel a bit like a limp lettuce today, so time for a brandy and an early night.

Lots of love Debbie x

Simple as

I managed to catch up with the lack of sleep from Saturday night and slept fairly well last night, but today was hard work and I needed to be rested in body and in mind.
I know I have this necessity in me to make every minute count in my life, but sometimes I just wish the hours would just slow right down and let me catch up as today was full on.
I agree to things sometimes without thinking things through first I know that, but that wasn't really the case today.
Today was a form filling day. Tax forms that I didn't understand, especially one section, so I rang the helpline for advice. I waited for nearly an hour in a queue. I had eaten my porridge, drank my tea, put on my make up and played the fish game on my mobile and all one handed, while I waited and waited and wantedsomeone to just talk to me.
Zilch.
I gave up in the end and did a bit of guess work. A kind of ennie, meanie, miney, mo, so I do hope that I won't be having a complimentary holiday thanks to HM prison services!
I now have to go to see the doctor tomorrow to get yet another sick note as they wouldn't do it over the phone. What a waste of an appointment, when a real need could be seen.
I then have to send that off and then fill out more forms to sort out my rent and council rebates. I loathe forms as I just can't take in the written information, never could and now I'm worse since lacking oxygen.
I found myself crying with frustration.
Rehab was hard work today, which some times is good as it gives you feel good endorphins, but not today. Some exercises I did better than normal in and others I really struggled with and really just wanted to go home to sleep, but no such luxury.
I had yet more shopping for my mother, plus I had to take her steps back to her bungalow from mine, so I tried to do it in one journey. Not my best idea I know. Also I saw her recycling waiting to go out from her front door to by her hedge ready for tomorrow morning, so I tried to do it on route.
Did I get thanks? No: I got my mother telling me to hurry up because my eldest sister was on the phone and wanted to speak to me and I shouldn't wear soft shoes and creep up on her! When I told her to hold on as I was balancing the steps, she shouted at me to hurry up and told my sister that I was in a bad mood.
Great, I felt like Cinderella with a broom up my arse and my next trick after listening to my sister bleating on about how hard she had it with her mother-in-law, who incidentally lives about six hours away from her and she only sees about twice a year... was staring at my mother's privates while I put cream on her under belly again.
Yay!
At least I saw my youngest for coffee before he zoomed off again on his last leg of his tour and maybe I shouldn't have gone to the cinema at lunchtime, but you are dead a long time, so make each minute count I say and the next person that tells me that it must be nice not having anything to do now I've retired, I'll chin... simple as!

Lots of love Debbie x

Little girl, you've had a sleepless night

First day of Spring today and although it's not as bright as yesterday, it was still a nice day and that makes you feel more alive. Especially when you can see the daffodils and the catkins by the road side, promising you good times ahead.
I seemed to have got quite a bit done today, well Derek did really, but I did quite a bit too, which I'm quite impressed with as the full moon last night really interfered with my sleep and I found myself just lying in my bed staring at the moon for what seemed hours. I'm sure it wasn't, but I didn't get so upset about this bout of insomnia like I used to when I was going to work.
If I sleep I sleep, if I don't, well I just sleep in the day, it's not a matter of life or death is it.

I zoomed off to Chelmsford to take some bits back to M&S that I brought on my girlie day out with Julie at Lakeside. I had every intention of getting a refund honestly, but I really did need the gorgeous summery white top and new coloured knickers that I brought instead. But hey, I didn't buy the most beautiful summer coat in the world that I saw in there, which I really, really lusted over, surely that is worth a brownie point or two. I suppose the fact that I could hear Derek's voice in the background, asking me if I really needed it, put me off a bit.
So I guess I couldn't think of a good enough excuse to buy it other than I really wanted it and now I'm a so called pensioner and on benefits, I have to be good as I've spent enough now on new clothes and if I'm very good, maybe the boys will contribute come 'Mother's Day'?

Talking of my boys, I decided to call in and have coffee with my eldest son which was very nice, especially as it's been a while that I've been there. He looked well. I also spoke to my youngest who is home for a flying visit from being on tour and he sounded well too. I guess you never stop worrying about them do you. Whenever I see them, I just need a cuddle from them. Role reversal I guess.
They will have to look after me if I am lucky enough to get this transplant and I guess I will look at them with the same eyes that my mother looks at me when I am tending her wounds or dressing her. Luckily mother is coming on great guns again.

I was going to do my paperwork tonight and I really not looking forward to it. I have had two letters from the tax office to fill in once I got my ESA results and now I've had five letters from 'Jobseekers' about my ESA. I've waited for ages for the ESA to come and now five letters all come at once, a bit like buses!
One of these five letters is dated the 14th and the other the 15th March and both ask to have the evidence they require sent back to them by the 9th March... now where did I put my Tardis?
I think I might put off till tomorrow morning as last night's lack of sleep is having an effect on me now and not a good one. Lack of oxygen mixed with lack of sleep, is not a cocktail made in heaven!
I am so scared that I will put something down wrong or tick the wrong box and I will be frog marched off to jail, so I need my wits about me. Watching 'Dancing on Ice' followed by 'The Only Way is Essex' is as taxing as my poor frazzled brain can handle at the moment!

Lots of love Debbie x

Big moon rising

Spring has sprung and it's lovely out there. Promises of things to come and a promise to my neighbour that I am putting up a fence in time for summer, so he can't see me in my cossie!
He is fine, I've known him for years, but he can just be a tad crude at times.
I spent a little time this afternoon weeding next to where the fence will go and the little flowerbed that I was tending to looks as unkempt as it was when I started out. I have got a rubbish bag full of weeds and old growth from my plants, so I must have done some good. I'm not really cut out for this garden lark!

Had a very pleasant morning seeing the girls from work at Rosemary's 'bring and buy' come coffee morning from 'Mission Croatia'. It was lovely to sit and chat to them without fear of any bosses looking at the clock and eat chocolate cake for breakfast.
One of the girls gave me a beautiful cross stitch picture of the serenity poem. It's a poem that Julie's husband quotes to me quite often when I'm having a 'turn' which is quite often, but does help to calm me down.
Not only does Sally bakes beautiful cakes, but she can sow too and I can't even weed in a straight line. I can see that I am going to have to go back to domestic goddess classes.

But the district nurse praised the fact that mother's tummy has nearly repaired it's self and that is down to my nursie bit. I take full credit for that. Of course I wasn't there and I have a sneaky feeling that my big sister might have got the praise and she got out of having to re-dress it as the district nurse did it for her.
Now how did I guess that was going to happen!?

There was a beautiful moon last night. So bright that you would have thought that I had a street light outside my window. Apparently it's the closest that the moon has been to the earth since the Boxing Day Tsunami, now isn't that weird that we had the worst earthquake recorded in Japan this week and tonight is a full moon. I guess it will be even brighter tonight, but lets hope no other disasters unfold.
I wonder if it put people in a good caring mood, as they got 74 million pounds last night for Comic Relief and it will still rise this week as the people round the country pay there money in for their various fund raising events. People can be kind in this country really.

Lots of love Debbie x

My baby's birthday!

Can I still call my baby boy, 'baby' now he's 30? Yes, he really is 30 today and I really can't believe that my little baby is that old. He still looks so young, but he is my rock and looks after his old mother so well with his common sense and kind heart.
It doesn't seem that long ago when the midwife put him in the sluice room with taps running to try and stop him crying his head off while they were stitching me up and tonight he is singing his head off on stage in Liverpool on one of their tour stops.
Damn I adore that boy! Even if he did say my singing hasn't improved after I sang happy birthday down the phone to him while standing outside Lakeside Primark all on my own, as I had lost Julie.
I had a few 'admiring' glances in my direction!

Actually today was a hell of a lot better than yesterday thank goodness. Mother seemed alright and she was smiling a lot, although that could be the drugs! Her sore tummy looks a lot calmer after four doses of that anti fungal cream and I have got into the swing of nursie mode now I know what I am doing. My sister has decided that we should get the rest of the family to help, but as I seem to be the one playing nurse, I'm not a hundred percent why she is jumping up and down!? Playing big sister knows best I guess.

Lakeside was quite tiring. I managed to push myself around Primark, though I had to take a couple of breaks and just sit in my wheelchair in the middle of the aisles until Julie came and rescued me and pushed me around. Got some nice bargains and some bits that have got to go back to M&S, but no mirror for my hallway which was why I really went.
Finished off the day with a trip to the cinema to watch 'Lord of the dance' in 3D with the girls, our contribution to Saint Patricks day.
I think tomorrow will have to be a rest day as already I can feel I'm flagging some what.
Happy birthday my baby. Love you lots x

Lots of love Debbie x

I don't want to be a nurse

Oh blimey, I am traumatised!
I went back to mother's first thing to keep an eye on her while she was in the shower and before I even got there, I got three phone calls from her asking where I was.
Honestly I try to move fast, but strangely enough, my body isn't willing!

After a lot of shouting from mother i.e. she had shampoo in her eyes or why don't I speak up instead of mumbling etc and a lot of shouting back from me... no mumbling there that time... we both emerged wet from the shower, trouble was I was fully dressed.
I started drying her and noticed that her cyst was still red and weeping and she was red on her tummy, in fact when I moved her apron (doctor speak for a large tummy) she looked raw underneath and the smell was just awful.
I dried her down and dressed her in a clean nightie and dressing gown before shooting down to the chemist to get some supplies. I also popped into the doctors to try and ask for an appointment for them to come out and she her at home and was told that the doctor would contact me.
In the mean time, I applied the cream from the chemist to her under tummy in between me trying to retch and cry without mother noticing. When the doctor called I was in the kitchen washing her clothes and towels while crying my eyes out and she explained that although the tummy looked awful, it was a fungal infection from her excess tummy weight and both back and tummy could easily sorted with the help of a district nurse.
Unfortunately I was in Braintree getting her drugs when the nurse came and although my sister was there by then, I have somehow been volunteered to dress her tummy twice a day.
I love my mother, but I cried the whole way to the hospital to have my Oxygen Assessment done at the thought of having another day like today.
Still at least she has agreed to have personal support from Age Uk, so maybe some good has come from this and my O2 levels have remained the same so that was good news.
I am now having a very large brandy.

Lots of love Debbie x

Take cover!

Not a bad day today, things went along quite smoothly for once... well until night time.

I now have wallpaper on the alcove walls in my sitting room and very funky it looks too, quite retro. In fact I think my mother's younger cousin Colin had the very same wallpaper in the 60's in his ultra modern house in Cardiff! All I need is that famous picture that was very fashionable about that time of a Malaysian lady dressed all in blue with a flower behind her ear and red lipstick on her lips. I have no idea what it was called, but I thought my cousin Colin was dead trendy having it on his wall, but there again I thought my cousin Shirley was dead chic too having a Spanish wine bottle covered in plaster with sea shells stuck in it as a lamp base!
Will have to look up the title of that picture, but I'll pass on the lamp.
Anyway, I'm sure my walls won't be to every one's taste, but I love it and it screams out me and it looks like I'm staying, where the magnolia walls looked like I was just in transit.
Thank you Andrew.

Next I got my ISA sorted out without having to go back into Chelmsford again and meet the bank assistant who really gave me the impression that she really wanted to get on with her lunch, especially once she realised that I had been made bankrupt in my dark and dismal past.
The woman on the phone today however couldn't have been more different and helpful if she had tried and sorted it within 15mins without once saying 'bankrupt' at the same time as spitting and saying ten hail Mary's while trying to burn me at the stake!

I then did my good deed for the day and took my mother's neighbour to the hospital to have her oxygen assessment done. Two hours later, she came out gleeful and almost dancing because her oxygen intake and levels had both been reduced. I am pleased for her honestly I am, but can someone explain to me how someone that smokes heavily and only weighs about 6 stone improves when I get worse?
I thought my mother was exaggerating when she said she was only in her 60's as she easily looks in her early 80's, in fact she looks as old as my mother who is 93, but on the journey home she admitted that she is dreading her 70th birthday this year! If that is how smoking ages you, then they should put that on anti-smoking posters, because believe me that would panic most women. God, I hope she not reading this!

Come 9pm, I had just sat down with a glass of brandy and a good programme to watch, when my mobile phone went and I had mother trying not to panic on the other end, but not making a very good job of it. She was trying to tell me that she had blood on her hip and all over her back which had suddenly really hurt, but now it didn't. She wasn't making a lot of sense, so I told her I'd be over asap. Ann had just arrived so she walked over with me and caught my mother coming out the bathroom in the nuddy, which earned me a telling off from mother.
The blood on her hip was where the cyst had burst and run down her back and all over her vest, it was pretty messy to say the least. Bless her, no wonder she was frightened. You could actually smell it as you walked in the bungalow.
It had looked quite red and hard again when I looked at it earlier that evening and had expressed my concerns to my sister, but she had said it wasn't hurting just niggling.
Obviously the pressure had built up over the evening and when she caught it while taking off her top, it was a case of 'there she blows'... yuk.
Two paracetamol and a cup of tea later, she was thankfully ok.
You could say another varied day in the life of Debbie Burden!

Lots of love Debbie x

Helpful hints

Well the colour on the walls is really nice and strangely enough, changes in the light. Darker in the daylight and richer under the electric light.
What I'm not liking is the dust. My goodness where does it all come from? I know that we had to... what am I saying we?...what Andrew had do was scrap off the existing wallpaper first and I think that is where the dust has come from.
So it was a waste of time, me worrying through the night that I should have brought low odour paint, as I can't smell anything, but boy am I eating dust.

The day was spent rushing here, there and everywhere. A massage first to try and sort out my shoulder again. I heard it click in Friday's rehab when doing arm raises and it's been rather painful again since then.
Then I drove to Chelmsford to see a bank manager about getting an ISA set up. Apparently the fact that I was made bankrupt five or six years ago, may be a problem and I have to go back again on Wednesday to see someone else. Great. I just hope that I can park nearer this time, as I had to walk a way today as the carpark was closed and dickheads without a blue badge park in the disability bays, thank goodness for my go faster wheeler!
Then off to the airport with Reni and three huge suitcases as she is off to go to Nigeria to see her friends. She is so tiny and those suitcases were so heavy that they would Julie's holiday suitcases a run for their money!
Bless her, she may be little but she was humping them in and out the car and on to a wayward trolley with no problems, like a woman on a mission. As she says, 'Don't mess with a Hungarian woman!'
In between all that, I was sorting out my mother. Her cyst on her back is starting to look rather angry again and we doubt whether he will cut it out again at this rate.
When did I find time to work I wonder?

I also had an Ulrika moment and worked out how to get into my new design Colistimethate phials. I've asked four members of the respiratory team, two teams of pharmacists and my specialist and all of them looked at it as if it was a Rubik cube that I had asked them to solve! What you do have to do, and this is for those people at home who are risking stabbing their fingers as I type, is to press down within the little imprinted circle on the metal cap with a knife tip and it will then flick up enough for you to pull off with the aid of the knife.
It does dissolve very quickly however once you add your saline, so that bit is a lot better, but you will need your syringes and needles for this one.
A helpful hint!

Lots of love Debbie x

Normal services have resumed

Thankfully normal service has resumed in my life.
Well if you call standing in B&Qs looking at paint colours and hoping for divine intervention, normal? The colours in question being 'Chocolate Milkshake' and 'Wheatmeal' for my lounge. They went in and out my basket to back on the shelf and back again, accompanied by swearing under my breath, more times then I wish to admit to. I even got down the aisle twice before changing my mind.
I dare say, I have chosen the wrong colour and tomorrow I will be wishing that I had chosen 'Wheatmeal.'

Apart from that little misadventure, I spent the day with my daughter-in-law who is off to Nigeria tomorrow for just over two weeks. I really don't know how that little slip of a girl is going to be able to handle three suitcases, but if anyone can it will be her.
Mother didn't fancy going out for lunch, so we were able to take advantage of a 'buy one meal and get another for a £1' in Prezzo's and very nice it was indeed. Why is it that a bargain always tastes that bit nicer?
I will miss her while she is gone, but we have hers and Oliver's birthdays to celebrate when she comes back. I just hope that this 'well spell' continues for a while, so I can enjoy their birthday meal.
Also I hope I don't have to have this coronary thingie done while she is away, as she has said she will look after me for the 24hours that I have to lay flat on my back otherwise it will be poor old Oliver wet nursing me!

Lots of love Debbie x

Bad show

Considering that I didn't get to sleep until 4am and was up by 9.15am this morning, I have been freakishly amiable and placid today.
Today has been un-noteworthy after yesterday's odd happenings.
It might have been because I took responsibility for the erratic sleeping pattern last night or should I say this morning, as my penance for being a bit of a bitch last night, moaning about a friend and I didn't actually like myself very much afterwards.
It won't happen again, as I do believe in karma and I have too much to lose at the moment.
I'd like to blame it on the lovely food that I ate throughout the day in abundance, first at Jean's for lunch, which was a lovely seafood pasta dish or the buffet I had at Lynn's that night, but it's best to own up that it was just me showing a side of myself that emerges every now and again, but really shouldn't have done.
We all have a side like that, but maybe everyone else controls theirs better.
I apologised to my other friend who had to listened to my bitching and bless her, she had been on the receiving side of someone else's bitching only last week and here I am involving her in a moan.
I have promised to myself and her to be more forgiving about my other friend's so called faults in my eyes, which was the object of my bitching and to do something more posititive in future or just to accept the situtation.
We all have faults and mine were laid wide open last night.
I'm sure people moan about me at times and I dare say I deserve it, but I should have been a nicer person as I did promise myself as my New Year's resolution that I wouldn't say anything, if I couldn't say something nice about a person.
So I let myself down and I deserved not to sleep.
So as I didn't have a hairshirt or sack cloth to wear, I just kept my tongue under check.
I am now really tired and hope that I sleep tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x

Pass the Resolve please

Never realised that you can have a hangover from being excited and joyous, but you can as I have.
As last night went on and the congratulation phone calls and texts kept coming, I felt more and more disorientated till I gave up and went to sleep and woke up with a splitting headache, a sore throat and the urge to sleep until till gone 10am.
I didn't fight that urge at all.
So today was a day not to hurry to do anything. I don't know if I am still battling with this cold question mark infection that is skulking about in the background, but I was extremely pleased when I got the text from Julie to say forget about going to Primark today.
Today was not a day not to push myself. Today was a day to chill.
I have to get the balance right and get these bouts under control. Something like having a cold or a temperature in the months to come, could prevent me from having the transplant when a donor is found. I don't want to waste my chance at a future, so I must get strong again.

I still have that blasted metallic taste in my mouth which is rather spoiling my food at the moment and more worryingly, my brandy, but I am wondering if the zinc in my vitamin C tablets isn't the source of that problem.
Zinc helps with your immunity system, but looks like it spoils your taste buds. Let me get over this black cloud and then I'll ditch the zinc.
Surprisingly my stats have been quite good today, although my fingers were quite blue again, but then my body has always been a bit of a contradiction. I am a freak of nature!
Just have this lethargic feeling and extreme tiredness, but hey I wouldn't be having this transplant if I was bouncing about like the Easter bunny would I?!

Lots of love Debbie x

HOORAH! Green light ahead

I came, I saw and I conquered! Well in Debbie Burden terms, I went to Broomfield Hopsital, I saw my specialist and I got the green light for my transplant... Hoorah!
If I could run without keeling over, then this would definitely be a running around the football pitch with my t-shirt over my head and arms out like an aeroplane moment!
After I kissed my specialist, half the nurses and the odd person in the waiting room... don't worry I knew them... I went home on cloud nine.
Barbara reckons that Oliver will have to do a remix of 'Smack my bitch up' for his mother only call it 'Stitch my bitch up!' ... I'm liking it!

I have still got a blood test that they missed out for hepatitis, a bone density test as I've been on steroids, but as I haven't had many and not for a long time, that shouldn't be a problem and the dreaded coronary angigram (I've spelt that wrong!) test which he assures me isn't nice, but he is confident that they won't show any problems. So he is now referring me on to Papworth and get this, he reckons between 6 and 12 months and it will be done and he has great faith that I will be as good as new. Which I'm bloody pleased about as he said I only have a 2 year window before it all goes down hill if I don't have the transplant!

I am now so tired as I have been awake since 6.15am, up since 6.45am and running on pure adrenaline. I know for most people it is normal to get up at that ungodly time, but I have never been one of them and I have no intention of starting either, but today was my red letter day.
Whether I sleep very well tonight I don't know.
Last night I had a very troubled nights sleep where in my dreams I was looking for something and by the state of my bed this morning, it looked like I had been fighting with my quilt too!
So I've had a brandy to help and I'll now say goodnight and say HOORAH one last time!

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm running away to join the circus

Oh my giddy aunt.
Well I think I am mentally scarred after what I've seen tonight. People shoving meat hooks through one nostril and out through the other or swallowing rather long and rather sharp swords. Ladies so bendy, that they had every straight man in the audience licking their lips. Knife throwing, fireworks going off from buttock cheeks and a midget's todger, which wasn't very midget at all!
It was in fact the 'Circus of Horrors' that had come to town. I don't think Chelmsford will ever be the same again!
Sam very kindly lent me her husband for the night and bless him, he is going to be the talk of the school where he works, as we meet lots of mums from the school or from his football club. We laughed and said that he will have to take a letter from Sam next time to show them, that the old lady he was with was Sam's friend and out with Sam's permission!
I bet they were saying, 'My god she's a lot older than Sam and she's a crip!'

At least that took my mind off of tomorrow's impending decision time appointment. What happens if there is no decision? I hadn't thought about that one. It wouldn't be the first time that my specialist has gone off completely in a different direction.

I can't believe that Sadie is worried that I might have yet another infection, it's only just under three weeks since I had that bastard one that knocked me off my feet.
Sadie is pretty spot on at noticing changes in me and today it was thick green gloop coming from my lungs and I had to be honest and admit to her that it had been like that all day and complete with a killer headache.
It's only because I am bloody minded that I went tonight.
I can't imagine I will get much sleep tonight worrying about his verdict in the morning and nightmares of the midget's todger with a bowling ball hanging from it!

Lots of love Debbie x

Horses for courses

It's sunny today, with warmth on your face, washing on the line and I'm knackered.
What is it about sunshine that gives you the urge to tackle mountains and then you find you come unstuck?

I went off to the garden centre to meet a very sweet 70 year who I meet at rehab for coffee and blimey, she has a more of a colourful past then I have! We then walked around the centre and I was seduced by some pretty primulas for my flower pots in the garden and some new pots to put my little trees in that stand outside my front door.
Of course the sunshine then leads you astray by goading you to do things that you shouldn't really be doing, like planting them without the help of a grown up who can actually breathe when bending over. You need a grown up there just in case you kneel over when you've gone blue!
That's ok, as an hour later I felt fine again, a bit shaky, but hey I've got a pretty garden again.
Reni did ask why there was water all over my hallway floor. I told her the truth that I splashed some out of my watering can when trying to water the little trees, but I missed out the bit about my hands shaking uncontrollably where I had done too much.

Still two hours later and I was ready to go to rehab for the first time in absolute ages.
It does worry me when the Respiratory team look surprised when you arrive and say 'gosh you must be feeling better if you're back at rehab. Are you sure you're up for it?'
And then tell you that you can only do 2 mins each exercise. They've never let me off that lightly before!
It was interesting in the talk after the exercises, just how different people deal differently with their lung problems. One lady said that she wouldn't admit that she has an illness to either herself or to other people. The majority who have a COPD through smoking, say how angry they are with the cigarette companies and with people that they see smoking nowadays. But all had sad tales to tell. Everyone of us are different with our thinking and it made me realise that I may be an acid tongued git at times, but I'm a lot more laid back then most of them there today.
I think I do take things on board now without kicking against it so much.
Is this me growing up or just accepting things that can't be changed and working with things that might have a chance of change?

Lots of love Debbie x

Missing... One set of taste buds

A tad on the slow side today. Luckily for me, mother wasn't in the mood for going out anywhere, so I had a day where I could go at my own speed and do my own thing. It did involve getting up late, but as it was the first peaceful nights sleep I've had in about a week, I wasn't ready to interrupt it and to get out of bed. Plus my dreams weren't haunted by kettles as I expected them to be!
My only real task of the day other than getting my washing in and out, was to pick up Reni from Stansted Airport. It was good to see her back again as she had been over to see her family in Hungary for a week.
I still get a real buzz when I go up to the airport, filled with memories of my holidays past in Turkey. I really hope that one day I will get the chance to go there again and see all my friends that live there before they forget who I am.

I wonder what the decision will be on Wednesday when I see my specialist. If he says that yes I can have the referral I've been waiting for to go Papworth, then there's a glimmer of hope that one day I'll get a second chance and get my life back and that I'll be able to return to Hisaruno again. If no, then I'll take my chances and hire the oxygen to use on the plane and while I'm there and fly out for a week come what may. I just want to go back to the place that is so special to me.
When I have times when I am scared and there has been a lot over the years and not just because of my illness, I do a bit NLP and switch myself off and visualise myself standing in the sea at Oludeniz. It's not hard to feel the heat on my skin or the water as I swish it around my body with my hands. I can visualise the whole scene of the mountains, the para gliders floating in the blue sky and the heat haze coming off the beach as I've done it so many times for real. I even have music that can transport me in seconds back there, as I've heard it played there in the 'Help Bar' so many times. The track is Jakarta and it's beautiful.
If I do get that transplant, that's what will be playing in my head as I go under.

I busied myself around mother's in the afternoon and actually got her to sort out her clothes at long last as her wardrobe was bursting at the seams, well I sorted them while she stood on guard to make sure I didn't throw out anything that I shouldn't!
We came to an agreement in the end that I put the clothes she doesn't wear anymore or has never worn because they are either too small or really bad buys, in a suitcase on top of her wardrobe in case she changes her mind. Hopefully she will forget they are there.

Then a night in front of the TV for me while eating my roast dinner. My chicken smelt divine while it was cooking in the oven, but I still can't taste anything unless it has really strong flavours, so it tasted really bland even with all the herbs on it.
I seem to remember that one of the common side effects on the list of hundreds for Rifampicin, was a loss of taste, but I stopped taking them a couple of weeks ago now so surely it can't still be them can it?
I'll ask at Rehab tomorrow.

Lots of love Debbie x

Oh sweet kettle, you served me well

How can anyone feel so upset about throwing away a kettle? So much so that they wanted to fish it back out the dustbin to say goodbye properly to it, which includes a kiss?!
But believe it or not, I had to fight back the urge to do so about midnight. I even kept looking out the window at the dustbin.
I think maybe it was because it was the first thing I brought when I moved into the tiny little flat in Witham, which was my first home on my own after my divorce and although it's still working, it's leaking water and a few little cogs have fell out over the years and even I know that's not safe.
Or it could be the way I just chucked it in the dustbin without a second glance, well actually that's not true, because as soon as I saw it land upside down in the bin and put the lid down, I realised I hadn't said goodbye properly.
I blame my drugs and that I am an emotional half wit at the moment. I either show no emotion or I worry about the smallest of things.

I don't think all is well again in my body, as I am fighting this cold with Vitamin C, zinc and omega 9,999,99 oils! I have kept it at bay so far, but my eyes are sore, ok that could be the oxygen blast that I had in them for hours the other night when my nose specs slipped.
The roof of my mouth is itching non stop and I look like a turkey where I keep rubbing it with my tongue.
My nose is itchy and sore. I woke up with an awful blocked nose at 4am and when I blew it, I was rewarded with a lovely nose bleed again.
And food tastes crap. Worse still is the brandy and lemonade that I'm drinking now, tastes metallic! Woe is me anything but my brandy for Pete's sake.

I went out to buy some bits after my good friend Stella came over and gave my bungalow a birthday and cleaned it within an inch of it's life through out. Hence how I came about a new kettle. And a new hoover and wallpaper for my hallway. My friend rather thought it would look like a tarts boudoir with my mauve and silver wallpaper. Perhaps I shouldn't have made these purchases while feeling for lack of a better word... odd.
I later went to see Carmen at the cinema, yep I know that's a odd combination, but it's bounced live from the Opera House in London. You could tell it was live, as Carmencita was having trouble with her comb in the scene leading up to her murder. I know it has a proper name and far more glamorous then 'a comb', but I am suffering quite badly from brain freeze today, but quite possibly I will remember what is is at 4am.
I have a feeling that people in the cinema audience, thought they were sitting next to a heavy breather too at one point, but yep, it was yours truely.
Must go now, as got to say my goodbyes and my goodnight to my kettle.

Lots of love Debbie x

Win none, lose a lot

I managed to get out and about today, but still didn't managed to do everything that I wanted to do like vital things such as go to rehab. I got caught up in trying to sort my mother out, organising medication for her knees as the doctor came a lot earlier than we thought and I missed him, trying to sort out a home help and personal care from Age UK and trying to sort out her digital box ready for the switch over.

All easy enough to sort until I tried to explain it to mother... Ooo I am an evil daughter! Have help... what am I thinking about! Anyone would think I'm trying to put her in a home not trying my hardest to keep her out of one.

Went home growling and pull up a load of weeds from a flower bed in temper and nearly killed myself in the process. Probably not as well as I'd like to think I am at the moment, but it got rid of my temper and although I've made a mess in the garden, it's a start.

I have the girls coming round tonight so I have done a good old winter lamb stew with pearl barley especially for Julie. I then hoovered, took two bags of bottles and jam jars to be recycled down to the village bottle bank and coloured my hair, so I haven't exactly been sitting on my laurels doing nothing. Have still got an orangey streak though.

I have also throw a load of vitamins into me to try and stop this niggling throat from accelerating into something worse. I don't want to go through another episode of my last infection thank you very much.

I think my ex man friend might have disappeared from the scene again, when late last night he phoned saying how much he wanted to see me and why haven't I got skype sorted out yet.
I explained again that I have changed just a smiggen and when I told him for about the hundredth about my oxygen, he did actually ask questions about when did I use it etc as of course it can't be all the time can it? Er yes and then guess what he had to dash off... well there's a surprise!

Win very few, lose quite a lot.

Lots of love Debbie x

Let me out

House arrest has started again only this time I was allowed out at night on parole. The reasons are not because I have another infection, but just waiting for people to arrive. Although tonight, I do have a niggley throat, heavy eyes and the urge to eat crap, so I hope I'm not brewing something horrible again. If I am going down with another dreaded something or other and I find out who has shared this one with me, they will be banned for life. I just hope it is staying indoors with central heating on for two days is the reason that I feel pants.

Yesterday it was waiting in for the oxygen guy to change the mothership. He phoned about 8.30am to check that I would be in and then arrived at 4.00pm. I don't know why I had to be there, as they don't normally require me to be there, but it was the really helpful guy and you can't be annoyed with him.

Today it was waiting for my physio, but as they all come at different times ranging from 1.00 to 5pm and as I didn't know who was coming, I just had to wait.
My own fault really as I should have got up and got moving earlier, but as I felt so good last night, there is always a yin and yang in life's balance and this morning was the not so good part.

I am not at all good at staying in when I have things to do outside. I know I should be grateful that I get all this help, but sometimes my life revolving around the NHS is soooo boring.
Would you believe that I even sat and sewed on sequins onto my new reject cardigan that was missing some, hence why I got it cheap!

Still I managed to get parole out in the evening. Last night Sam, Jean and I went to Southend theatre to watch 'Calendar Girls,' which was good fun and reminded me so much of our much loved, but now defunked village WI. Good cast too. I felt remarkably well and was walking around unaided and got to the bar in record time, in fact I got there before Jean and Sam! Although there were so many people coughing and spluttering in there throughout the performance, that I think I may have found my source of the possible lurgy.

Tonight Greta and I went to see 'Paul' the new Pegg and Frost film and we chuckled most of the way through it. It was jolly cold in there again and I ended up wrapping myself up in my pashmina. Mind you it's bloody freezing outside again too.
I seem to spend my life feeling the cold just lately, especially my hands. If I'm not doing my impression of the Boston strangler by wearing my leather gloves around the house, then I have them rolled up in my jumper.

So tonight, two paracetamol and a stiff brandy... kill or cure baby... kill or cure!

Lots of love Debbie x

24-7 bitch

I am a champion bitch today, well not all day, but for quite a large part of it.

Things kind of went wrong when I woke up in the morning with my nose specs aimed into my eyes and not up my nose, so God only knows how long I'd been without my proper oxygen supply. Judging by my low stats and the fact I needed jump leads to get me going this morning, I would say for quite a while.

I had promised mother to take her out to the local garden centre to buy the top that she had wished all weekend that she had brought last week. Yes I know that sounds a little odd buying clothes at a garden centre, especially as mother isn't into the wellie boots or waterproof look, but this is one of the big clothes retailers that have a franchise there and it's darn sight easier to go there then into town.
Bless her, she couldn't actually remember which top it was that she wanted when we got there and she ended up buying three tops in the end, but she still kept moaning to the shop assistant of how it was my fault that she didn't buy the top she really wanted, last week.
Strangely enough it wasn't that false accusation that made me snap at her, but hearing the same story for the sixth time this week and it's only Tuesday, about how my brother and sisters don't care enough about her and especially with her being 93.
It just pushed the wrong buttons today.
Yes it does annoy me that it is always me that takes her everywhere and everyday I am there for her to prepare her meals, to put out her recycling etc, but this bitter woe is me thing just got to me today and I snapped at her to try and think about the nice things that they do for her instead of always moaning.
That went down well!
I am fully aware that she moans about me to them too, I guess she just likes moaning about us and about things in general, an age thing maybe?

My next bitch moment came when my elder sister phoned me to tell me how mother was doing her head in, because she phones her everyday asking things... so?! My sister called me yesterday to tell me this too... God my sister is a mini me of my mother.
I stood trying to watch Gok through the crack in my hallway door, while she went on and on about she couldn't cope. She did ask if I was alright when I wasn't agreeing with her at the right times and eventually she gave up as she sensed I was not my normal agreeable little sister self.

Third bitch moment came when I ignored my ex-boyfriend's call and text. I know he is lonely in Saudi, but 'hello' didn't he leave me to live with someone else over three years ago now and as far as I know is still with her, so let him ring her and let me watch 'Shameless' in peace and quiet.
Men hey!

So... am I a total bitch today or is there any part of me that can be redeemed? I really don't know and I really don't care today, as I have far bigger things on my mind and it's all a bit foggy in there. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully an easier one.

Lots of love Debbie x