To statin or not to statin? That is the question

I've got a feeling that the statins are affecting my sleep pattern, as I've only been taking them for two days and I haven't slept for two nights again.
So tonight I'm going to leave them off and see what happens. It might just be the fact that I've had my allotted quota of good sleep which is allowed to me, I don't know, but it felt so good when I was sleeping well for those whole three nights.

So I woke up really tired again and felt a bit peeved off that I had to get up and take mother out to Maldon at 11am. I felt even more peeved when I rang her at 10.45am and she was still in bed and wasn't sure whether she wanted to go or not even though she was adamant that we were going yesterday. Grrrrhh.
I told her to get herself out of bed and get ready as she wasn't spending a lovely day like this laying about in her bed feeling sorry for herself.
I went over to collect her when Ann arrived, as Ann was going to push her up the prom so we could get something to eat rather than have yet another picnic sitting in the car and get some fresh air in our lungs instead.
When did I become the adult and mother the sulky teenager?
Although she sulked most the way there and boy can she sulk when she gets the monk on, especially when I told her the chiropodist was coming to sort out her nails tomorrow morning, but she did actually enjoy it when we got there.
Although she wouldn't get out of the car though for a ride in the wheelchair, she did sit and eat the jacket potato with baked beans and cheese that I got her with great relish.
She had sat watching the world go by quite happily while Ann and myself walked slowly down the prom to buy them.
I actually enjoyed the walk there and back, though I did have to sit for a while. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

When we got home, I had no time for a little nap as a couple of friends popped over for coffee and cake while we discussed their holiday in Turkey seeing their son who works out there as a tennis coach... so jealous, going to watch the arrival of their first grandchild who was born in Hong Kong... still jealous and my oncoming transplant... no one was jealous on that one!
Had a rather large scone with cream and strawberries, not good for my diet, especially as I had a sliver of chocolate cake afterwards. I sent the rest home with them.
Was good to see them as they are a lovely couple, although both mad as a box of frogs!

Ann then returned after they had left with a carpet cleaner to go over my front room carpet to freshen it up for me... Goodness me, I was ashamed at the colour and thickness of the water when she had finished.
It's only been down for two years since I'm been here and I didn't realise it was that dirty.
Then over to mother's last the last time today to sort out her evening meal and so I could put her drops in her sore eye and now it's my turn to relax.

Lots of love Debbie x

Running slow today

Me thinks I may have slighty over worked this feeling of extra energy, as this morning my enery levels were zero and I really didn't want to get up.
I couldn't sleep at first again last night, which put me back into a state of anxiety as I laid there tossing and turning, but luckily it passed and I was able to drop off to sleep.
Whether it was where I was over tired through pushing myself too much, or it's where I have started to take my statins again, I have no idea, but I really didn't want to go through another two weeks of insomina again. That isn't good for my health or my state of mind come to that. Plus the huge dark shadows under my eyes are a bugger to cover up with make up!

I was suppose to go to Broomfield hospital to get my monthly drugs this morning, but I really was too tired and I worked out that I've enough to last me till Monday.
Going on a Saturday morning is handy as you can get parked easily and you can pop into the Marks and Sparks franchoise there and get your food shopping. I thought I could get some low calorie ready meals for the freezer while I was there.
Seems very odd, food shopping in a hospital!

I was helping Reni and the twins sell some more books for the fund raiser on the village hall playing field this afternoon, in aid of my son's friend's little boy.
There was certainly lots of people there and we sold £47 worth of books alone and all other stalls were nearly sold out too of there goods too, so put all that together and I reckon they did extremelly well for him.
It turned out really hot as well today, so I had to pop home and change into something cooler and bring back straw hats, a parasol and a brolly to stop us getting sunstroke.
The top of my head is a tad tender though, as my hair isn't a head of hair of a typical Leo at all, very fine and not a lot of it.
Still it was an enjoyable day seeing everyone out having fun and pulling together for a good cause.
We tried out the delicous homemade cup cakes, played on the tombola and had a sausage in a bun. I even got to try my hand out at face painting again on Chas, who is nearly 30 years old going on 7! I haven't done face painting for years, but I have to admit that I used to be very good at it, and I did a mean 'Spiderman' face on him complete with a spider painted on the side. Yeah the girl has still got it!

Lots of love Debbie x

I love crabbing

Blimey I'm knackered tonight.
Been out crabbing at Maldon today with Reni and the twins.
For those who don't actually know what crabbing is, it's dangling a piece of raw bacon on a bent pin attached to a long fishing line to catch crabs.
Obviously, we put all the crabs back into the water when it's time to go home without any ill effects to the crabs and they get a free lunch over and over again as they can't resist the bacon.
I've watched children doing this for ages when mother and myself sit in the car opposite the boating boat on our weekly picnics and I used to go crabbing with my dad at Maldon when I was little, but it was the first time since my boys were little that I've done it since.
And it is jolly good fun, highly recommendable.

We went off to the mini dodgems after about an hour of crabbing, as the twins had started to get chilly as the weather was back to square one again.
Reni got ordered off the dodgems, as adults aren't allowed! He actually let her on as the twins are taller than her, so I'm not quite sure what he was moaning about and it wasn't as if she was bashing into people, just keeping an eye on the twins.
So we left, so yah boo sucks to mr dodgem man!
As I didn't go to rehab today, I walked up the prom and back with the help of leaning on my wheelchair.
But Reni did have to push me around for the rest of the day however.
Rehab or no rehab, I'm certainly getting some exercise one way or another this week.
I just hope that I get my new lungs before any grandchildren come along!

Tonight it was off to the cinema again to see 'Captain America', which was so corny that it was really quite good. Mind you I love the action come tongue in cheek type of films.
The twins enjoyed too.
Thankfully tomorrow, I shall have a lie in before we are off to sell our second hand books again at a charity day to raise funds for both my sons friend's little boy.
Right time for bed now as I need my beauty sleep, as busy, busy again tomorrow.

Lots of love Debbie x

I want to be a fairy!

Ouch... I had a really unpleasant end to a lovely day last night. Just as I was getting into bed, I had crippling stomach pains that doubled me up and caught me off guard.
I thought it was wind at first, but as I got caught out like that a week ago, I wasn't going risk having to wash every bit of bedding again, but I went to the toilet straight away and just sat there groaning.
I had broken out in this cold sweat all over my body and I was still doubled over, as no wind or anything. I had to try and remove my clothes as I sat there, as I really felt ill where I was so hot and I thought I was going to pass out.
I honestly thought that I would be pooing through the eye of a needle once it all kicked in, but no that wasn't the case. Yes I did go a hell of a lot once I started, but it was all normal.
So what brought that on?
The only thing I could think of, was that the doctor on Monday at Papworth, was poking my tummy about and maybe it shifted things that hadn't been shifted for a while?!

Thankfully I slept wonderfully well again, which was just as well as I needed all the energy that I could muster today.
Reni, the twins, plus one friend and myself set off to 'Tropical Wings' today.
What a fab place!
When we went into the butterfly sanctuary, it was absolutely spell binding, almost like walking into a dreamworld or film set about secret gardens. You half expected fairies to be hiding in the undergrowth, it was so magical. Well ok, maybe it's just me in my strange and muddled head that expects to see fairies!
Honestly though, I have never seen butterflies so big. There were these large blue butterflies, that you half expected to hear tinkling music as they flew past you. Then there were even larger white lacy ones flitting around and lots of cute red and black ones that flew about in mini packs.
Actually did you know that a 'pack' of butterflies is called a 'kaleidoscope'... what an accurate description for something so picturesque!
Where I was wearing a brightly coloured top, I was quite popular until they realised that I wasn't a walking plant and they would fly away from me. I loved it there.
Then we went on to feed the wallabies, watch the bird display, talk to the parrots and go 'ahhh' at the meerkets who were playing in the sunshine. And they really do sit like the toy ones on that famous TV advert!
I want to go again please.
I came back knackered and that was with Reni pushing me in the wheelchair for a lot of the time, as my oxygen ran out.

After a rest, I went out with my sister and her husband for the evening to buy them a meal as a thank you for him putting my shed up for me and getting heat stroke too boot.
We went to Baumann's Brasserie in Coggeshall, as I had picked up a discount voucher at the 'Essex Food and Drink festival', otherwise it would have been a meal at the local Chinese!
Very fab food.
So I now feel like a little stuffed piggie. Just glad I had only eaten a child's size hot dog at 'Tropical Wings' and that was it all day, as the food was really rich and gorgeous so I just had to clear my plate. No pudding though, but I still found room for the dark chocolate truffles that came with my coffee... Bye bye diet!
As Ed said though, it was my last supper before going to the diet club on Monday.

Lots of love Debbie x

Batteries up and running

Amazing what happens when you hear good news. I seem to have got a second wind at the moment.
Plus now having two nights in a row of quality sleep is a superb tonic. I really feel quite uplifted at the moment, which is just as well as I had a rather busy day today.
Rosemary and Bill called in for coffee and a chat this morning. Plus, to pick up Rosemary's flowers etc from last night as she couldn't get them all home in one piece. It was her 'happy retirement' send off in a rather nice bar after work last night.
Bill looked really tired and washed out. He is suffering at the moment after getting over a very bad asthma attack and it really has taken it's toll on him.
I hope he gets stronger soon.

After they left for the cinema, I went off to pick up Reni and the twins to go over to the Tiptree Jam Factory. They wanted to have a walk around the little museum there and to buy some mini pots of jam for themselves and gifts for their parents. We were hoping to have a bite to eat there too, but it was stuffed to the rafters of people eating yummy cream teas.
So we got back in the car and we drove on to the garden centre near by and had something to eat there.
It was a bit of a struggle of conscious there as it was too late for lunch and all the cakes looked so fattening, plus we were going for a Chinese before the cinema tonight and I couldn't really blow it on only my second day of being on a diet.
So I decided on a slim slice of lemon tart... well at least I kind of got one of my five daily portions of fruit and vegetables!

By the time I got back and made tea for mother, it quickly became evident that I wasn't going to make the Chinese for 6pm. So after a quick phone call to Reni to explain that I'd meet them at the cinema instead, I had scrambled eggs on toast and it tasted lovely. Surely that has to be healthier than an all you can eat Chinese buffet?
The twins enjoyed Harry Potter and I enjoyed seeing it again too, but it lacked the crowd participation that we got in the last showing. They didn't even clap at the end this time the miserable lot. Still this crowd was more adults and not the lovely youngsters that cheered each time a buddy got their come uppence!
No strong drink tonight, just a large cup of tea and hopefully a good sleep again, as I've got to try and find my way to 'Tropical wings' tomorrow with the twins and their friend, so I'll need my batteries to recharge!
But I am liking this feeling of euphoria, long may it continue!

Lots of love Debbie x

I need a diet fix please

Oh yes... I slept like a baby, although not one of my babies I hasten to add, as they never slept through the night until they were going to school and then they wouldn't get up in the morning! But I slept like a well behaved baby, only waking up to spend a penny and then going straight off into a blissful sleep again.
What a difference just one good nights sleep can make to the way you feel when you wake up. I actually felt refreshed rather than having to drag my weary bum out of bed.

I went off to sell some more books at church for the 'Stepping Stones' charity, which apart from sitting there with a pashmina wrapped around me because it was so cold, it was a very pleasant way to spend a summer morning.
Must have a word with my postie, as he said it was lovely out... yeah right.
Reni and myself decided over a cup of coffee and a cake, that the best way for me to lose this stone and a half, would be to join the slimming club in the village and a couple of the ladies at the church said that they would come along for moral support and hopefully lose a few pound along the way too.
Maybe I should do a sponsored slim as I have to lose the weight and then I could give any money raised to the 'British Lung Foundation' and then two causes would benefit, them and me.
I'm going to have to go through my fridge, freezer and cupboards and give anything that might 'linger on the hips!' to my ex as he needs fattening up!

Tonight we went to my friend Rosemary's early retirement meal at a rather nice restaurant come bar and I was very good.
Well actually I wasn't that good when I totalled it all up.
I had one white wine spritzer though made with soda water and not lemonade so brownie point.
Two small lamb koftas, served with a spoonful of cous cous, small pitta bread and grated salad... very good so another brownie point.
Then it started going awry, as I decided to have a liqueur coffee instead of a dessert, but I tried a spoonful of everyone else's pud... so minus all brownie points and owe some instead.
I think this dieting lark, might just prove problematical!

Will have to go shopping to buy more vegetables, fruit and nuts, plus try and find a Greek yoghurt that isn't as high in saturated fat as the one I adore. But and a big but, that brand does help my IBS, so what do I do????
Mind you if I'm on the toilet nonstop, will I not lose weight or will I just bloat and my tummy will double in size instead? And that would not be a pretty sight. Oh lordy, this is like a mine field!

By the way has anyone else noticed that there seems to be a lot of earwigs about this year? And can anyone tell me what possible good these creepy little bugs do on this earth? I know spiders keep the fly population down, but what task do these horrible little things perform?
Is there anyone there that can tell me why I shouldn't hit them with my slipper, because when I find a creepy little critter on my bed like I did this afternoon, it's me or them I'm afraid. Yuk just the thought of that sharing my bed while I'm in it, makes me really shudder!
Perhaps running away from them will burn up calories??????

Any ideas please for this diet?

Lots of love Debbie x

Climb every mountain... oh yes

Well... it appears I have the green light!
I do have to have two more tests here at Broomfield and a three day stay at Papworth to go through everything again with a fine tooth comb, but the doctor couldn't see any problem with it all going ahead.

Omimegod!

I think, only now it is beginning to sink in and I do feel a little punch drunk to be honest.
The good news was that looking at all the details that the doctor had in front of him and conferring with his boss, that he couldn't see any reason why it all shouldn't go ahead.
And bonus, I should only need a double lung transplant and not the heart too and all this could take place by this time next year at the longest.

He told me all the bad news too, which was the facts and figures on survival rates, which he had to warn me about so i had the chance to back before they went any further.
They were a tad gloomy I have to admit, but when I asked what my forecast would be if I didn't have it: well that was very bleak too to be honest. My bottom lip trembled at that little nugget of news.
I've always been a bit of a gambler, so I believe there is only one way forward for me. After all if someone offers you a second chance, you'd be a fool to turn it down.
Ever since the word transplant was fluid in my vocabulary, I've always known the risks, but I've always heard of lots of success stories too. To be truthful I've never heard of anyone that I know dying of a transplant, but I know two people personally and heard of another two who are friends of people I know and they have thrived.

I asked what I needed to do to get ready for it all and he has advised me that I have to get fit for the transplant, which means back to rehab and extra exercise to wait for this... losing one and a half stone in weight!
Gawd, its been hard enough to try and lose half a stone let alone add on another stone on top. I've been overjoyed that I've lost 2lb over the last couple of weeks. In fact I can't remember the last time that I was 10 stone!
I do actually eat healthily, well if you take out the extras like dark chocolate, a glass of something each night and yes more than the odd slice of cake!
But as he explained, it will help me survive the transplant and who can argue with that?

The hospital looks a nice place too. Very much like the old Black Notley hospital near me or Stanmore, where my nephew Matt spent so long after his accident.
The doctor explained that I will get to know the road there like the back of my hand, as I will be there A LOT, before and especially afterwards.
Apparently they do about one transplant a week, but that's all sorts of organs, not just lungs. They send someone out to collect you when the call comes and most of the organs are from stroke victims.
Didn't know that.
You can have a holiday in this country, no problem they will find you, but abroad is out of the question and no flying for over a year after the op too.
Turkey will have to wait a wee bit longer.
The two tests that I have to have here are for Coeliac disease and for acid reflux readings. The latter sounds charming as the tube goes up your nose and then down your nose into your gullet. Looking forward to that one...not.

So I have had my last drink for a while and now the diet books will come out to sort out my new healthy eating programme. My eldest is going to sort out some weights for me to strengthen my upper body and I will sort out a spa somewhere, so I can go swimming.
Will I sleep tonight? Who knows.
One hill climbed, but a bloody great mountain ahead!

Lots of love Debbie x

Busy, busy, busy

Keep busy at all costs, that is the order of the day and I have done my best to keep busy believe me.
Thank goodness it's only one more sleep to Papworth and I use this term loosely, because I am so tired from not sleeping properly through the night.
Every night for the last five, I have laid there imagining what they are going to say to me tomorrow and before that, I couldn't sleep because of the antibiotics.
I have twisted and turned so many times, that it's a wonder I haven't strangled myself with my oxygen tubing which has been wrapped around my neck once too often.
I worry about what the worst outcome can be tomorrow and how will I handle it? Then I started thinking too of what happens next if I do hit it lucky tomorrow and then my brain starts racing all over again. And what happens if I go and don't actually learn anything tomorrow and be told that they will let me know?
I really do need my sleep, because without it I then turn into a right temperamental, paranoid and grumpy woman.

When I am worried, it costs me. I have to feel good when I'm like this, so I spend. Today I wasn't actually too bad thankfully, as we went to the 'Vintage Fair' at Cressing Temple and what I did buy... One print for the kitchen, a pair of turquoise blue leather gloves, a navy silk pair of gloves and a large silk scarf, all for £20... bonus, but before you say anything, obviously not real silk for that money! I can live with that though.
There was really beautiful things to buy and really beautiful people walking around in 1950's clothes and although women were supposed to be more curvy then, they only had clothes in stick insect size luckily for my purse.
The sun that went missing for Matt's BBQ yesterday, did a guest appearance today and quite liked it so stayed out for the rest of the afternoon. We sat in this sunshine listening to 50's music, while we had tea from pretty mixed matched bone china cups and saucers and we could help ourselves to sugar from the bone china sugar bowl with silver sugar tongs no less, almost worth me taking sugar!
I curbed my enthusiasm to buy yet more pretty crockery, as I now have three cake stands and endless plates from charity shops and only a small kitchen.

After we returned I went round to my mothers and sat knitting my little babies jumper, just to keep my hands and brain busy, as mother wasn't actually very stimulating company, as she kept dozing in the armchair. Yesterday has taken it out of her, especially as she fell asleep when she got home and then couldn't sleep at night, bless her.
Time to go to the cinema, as I still had hours to fill and my friends thought I would self combust by bed time otherwise! Film good once I gave in and relaxed, and now I am wandering around the bungalow.
I have finished my book, this blogg is keeping me busy for a while, Face book next and then if I had silver, I would have probably cleaned it, so i'll do some more knitting.
Ooo my oven needs cleaning, must go!

Lots of love Debbie x

It be weird out there today

Well I do declare that today was a weird one!

First of all I accidentally got up this morning at the time my alarm actually was set for. Normally I let the alarm go off another twice before getting up, spaced at half an hour each repeat alarm, so I get another full hour in bed.
This morning I was up, drugged up and semi dressed or enough to walk around the kitchen to start the egg and cheese mixture for the filo pastry pie for Matt's BBQ today and had even stuck on a washing machine load on before I had noticed my error.
I thought at first we'd had a power cut in the night, but no, after checking phones and TV, I was up and had done lots things before 9.30.
Strewth I'll have to get up early again, as I felt quite virtuous.

Next was another weird one. We were at the BBQ and as the afternoon went on, the weather thought it was winter. I had taken a loose cardigan come wrap and a large pashmina to put on later, but had to wear all quite early on and I was still freezing. So I had to borrow a pair of Matt's carer's socks to wear.
I think Matt thought he was feeding the five thousand, as food per ratio was: two kebabs, two koftas, three burgers, two sausages and one huge pork chop per person, not to mention the rest of the food inside!
I did my bit, but I could only do one burger, half a pork chop and a slice of BBQ hallumoni cheese, so I failed miserably.
Where I was downing the hot tea to keep warm, my eldest sister was downing the Cava and is what I call a 'lovey' drunk as she goes about saying 'Now remember I really care about you a lot darling,' in a posh accent and cuddling people a lot too.
When you are stone cold sober, it can be either funny or a tad annoying, today because I was cold, I'm sorry to say it was leaning more towards the latter.

Mother wanted to go home as she was cold too, so we said our farewells and had another cuddling match from my sister in the garden, and made our way to the car, where lo and behold she had zoomed round to there too, so we had more cuddles from her where she was hanging through the car window. I guess looking back, I shouldn't have pressed the electric window button while she still had her head in the car.
Bad little sister.

After Ann called me and persuaded me to go to the cinema, we set off only to be told that the film showing was full. Crumbs that has never happened before. We could have waited 45mins and gone to the next one, but I had the hump by then.
So as they only had wine or beer in the cinema bar, we ended up opposite in the bowling alley having a drink and then game of ten pin bowling.
Yes, you read that right.
With my oxygen pack on my back and without the aid of the gadget shaped like a roller coaster for bowling balls... apparently it helps you to play without lifting and swinging the bowls about... I played... slowly... but I played.
We then went and spent a £1 each in the penny arcade...which is now the 10 penny arcade... and it was great fun. I won a strip of tickets, which I had no idea what you did with them, so I gave to a little boy who had a hand full of them. He was delighted and explained to us, that you put them into a machine which tells you what prize behind the counter you could have. I think with the amount I gave him, he'd be lucky to get one of the staff's old chewed off fingernail!

So a weird day. A good day, but weird none the less.

Lots of love Debbie x

Harry Potter rules KO!

You'd have to been living on Mars to have missed all the hype about the latest and the final 'Harry Potter' film, but tonight we went to see it as we were waiting for the crowds to die down a bit and if you haven't seen it yet, then I thoroughly recommend you go.
What a fab film!
Normally I get a bit twitchy in any film, but this held your attention the whole time and as the baddies were getting finished off, the cheering and the clapping started up the back of the cinema by the youngsters who were getting swept away with the whole happening.
By the time the film ended, the majority of the audience were clapping unashamedly, myself included.
Somehow it felt right to applaud, it deserved our acknowledgement in praise that it had come to an end. After all it has been 10 years worth of entertainment reaching a good conclusion and all while watching the stars of these films growing up in front of your very eyes.
It left you feeling quite strange inside. Some of the youngsters in there tonight were probably only babies when the first film actually came out, let alone the books.

I'd spent most of the day with Reni and the twins who were over from Nigeria, which was very enjoyable. They are two very well brought up children and I do have to remember what I say in front of them, because I have to try not to swear and then I blaspheme instead and visa versa!
I'm going to have to get my act together before the appearance of any grandchildren I can see!
We went off for lunch at one of the garden centres that also have a petting zoo, which they really enjoyed. It was a favourite of mine too, as I used love going to see the pigs, but today while they were feeding them, we sat and watched.
There is also a wool shop there, so we decided to buy some wool to make some things for Reni's friend who is pregnant. I decided to make a little jumper and by the time I had brought the wool, the pattern and the needles, I could have brought four cardigans in the little shop next door which was selling handmade baby clothes and I bet mine will look like a mini version of something Lady Gaga would wear by the time I'm finished dropping stitches etc!

When I went to sort out mother's dinner, she was watching ITV+1 again. I think that this digital switch over is going to hinder rather than help the elderly, as my mother is getting very confused with what the time is now. She thinks she is watching the programme at the time it says in her TV guide, but of course it's an hour later on this channel.
Mother sometimes has to use the TV guide to work out what day it is by checking out what matches the programmes on the TV and this change over is already confusing her. I'm not sure if it automatically comes on straight to that channel or what. I'll have to investigate tomorrow.
She does have a calendar that she pulls of the page each day, but sometimes she can't remember if she has already done it or not and it can all get very muddled.
It's no fun getting old is it.
Mind you she was a great helpful for me today, as the book that I'm reading and am in love with at the moment... 'The Kashmir Shawl' by Rosie Thomas... it has Welsh names in it and I wasn't sure how they are pronounced.
Mother being Welsh, read them and proudly explained that the name Eirlys was pronounced Ellis and Mair was produced Maya and then went on to chat in Welsh for me. I think it gave her a real kick to be able to help me.

Being dyslexic can be a pain in the bum when reading things, also when ordering letters to be made up such as i have just found out.
I have gold lettering saying 'Rock & Roll' on the main wall in my front room, as I was always saying it when we were about to do something at work... 'Lets rock & roll people'.
I decided to have some wording made up for the bedroom too, only two actual letters but unfortunately I got too many of the wrong one. I thought you spelt it 'Sssh' but in fact it's 'Shhh'
Well done Deborah!
Bless him, one of the twins who is only 12years old, said it doesn't matter, as it depends what letter you emphasise on when saying it.
Maybe I'll just order two more h's just to be on the safe side!

Lots of love Debbie x

Jakatta anyone?

Would you Adam and Eve it?! Today it turns out I have thrush according to my latest sputum test, so I need more tablets.
Not sure where I have it, as I can't see it in my mouth as yet and it certainly isn't the other end, as I haven't the urge to go cycle riding to ease the itching!
And of course our branch of Boots hasn't got these tablets in again either. I'm not sure whether they hate me or just like my company, but I nearly always have to go back twice.
It's not a matter of life or death that I take them tonight, so I decided against driving across Essex to find them in another branch, and thought I could just pop down tomorrow and start them then.
So tonight, I'm having a nice long brandy and lemonade, as tomorrow I will be on the wagon yet again.

Strange day out there today, as damp and grey, but really warm. I sincerely doubt that I will ever get my paddling pool out at this rate.
Although where I have been sitting out in the garden, I have got a lovely colour and people keep saying that I look well... well then they start spluttering and add, considering!
Lynn goes off to Turkey tomorrow on the 10am flight which used to be the one Julie and myself used to go off on in the early days.
Gosh I'm so envious of them and really wish I could join them. It seems so long since I have been able to go, in fact it must be three years ago now and every time I speak to someone, they are either going out or just come back. Bless Julie, she keeps telling me to hang on there and it will be worth the wait when I get there again.
When I was talking to the ladies yesterday, I told them that it was visioning me in the sea at Oludeniz, looking up at the mountains, feeling the water around me and the sun on my face that gets me through anything horrible or scary at the hospital nowadays.
I suppose that the holistic name for this meditating is NLP or neuro linguistic programming. For me it works.

I learnt this on one of our more productive training days at work and although some of the hands on work shops were a bit too airy fairy for me, but I am glad I learnt this as this one really works for me.
The tutor asks you to think of a time in your life when you were really happy or peaceful and for me it's standing in the sea at Oludeniz watching the clouds go by with their shadows on the mountains.
The tutor says you need to do something simple to transport yourself into your happy place and for me it's moving my hands slowly besides me, like moving them in hip height sea water and to tilt my face upwards to feel the sun and it's heat. So easy and so effective, it's got me through a lot of horrible moments in my life.
I also have a particular piece of music that triggers off my happy place too and it's called 'American dream' by Jakatta. Also there is another version called 'Any other name,' one faster than the other, but to me both beautiful pieces of music and I've spent many a happy hour listening to them and guaranteed to put a smile on my face.
If, when I have my transplant, if they let you have music played when they put you under, these will be the pieces that I will ask for.
Ooo I think I must go off and listen to them both now and chill with my brandy.

Lots of love Debbie x

Time to 'fess up

Another day where life seemed quite normal for me.
Met some new people today and enjoyed a chat about religion with them. I love listening to other peoples beliefs and learning about what makes people tick.
I did start an Open University course on 'Death and Dying' which covered various different religions and they way different people approached death, but unfortunately my first course work coincided with a severe infection that left me being hospitalised and then on to part time oxygen therapy, which led me to think that perhaps the timing for this course wasn't great.
I still have the books and still enjoy finding out about people, myself and my own views too.

Straight afterwards I took mother out to the 'Tiptree Jam' tea rooms, a favourite of ours and we enjoyed one of mother's good days. She may be 93 or 'nearly 94 you know' as she tells everyone, but my mother is the biggest flirt that I know, as have tea rooms and you get lots of retired people. It's when she smiles at the men, that you see her face come alive and lose about 10years and I remember what a foxy lady my mum was!
From there we had to go straight on to St Pete's for my physio, as we were running late as normal and I would have never got her back to her bungalow and back to the hospital in time.
She was quite happy in the car reading my magazine and when I came back out to the car, she was out for the count slumped in the front seat.

It was an interesting physio session today, as they are all talking in terms of when I've had my transplant, not if.
I don't know if they know more than they are letting on, but they all feel strongly that I will have it and have allowed me to dare think that my dream could actually become a reality.
Ruth even went as far to say it would be weird not to see me anymore and suggested that we should still catch up now and again.
I have spoken to Greta about this, as when her young daughter died of cancer, she felt as if she had also lost a second family in the nurses and the hospital staff, as suddenly she never had cause to see them again.
I have been so close to these girls over the years, that they have become personal friends of mine. To say I will miss them would be the understatement of the year, so yes Ruth we will still meet up afterwards.
I was warned through to take it easy before Monday as I need my oxygen levels better than they were today. Blimey this is such a tight balancing act that spreads before me.

One of my friends has said that it will be good to know where we stand about holidays next week and it's as if I'm popping down to the Post Office to check out how much it is to post a parcel.
It was my fault, as I said in an act of bravado that 'Sod them, I'll bugger off on holiday if they say no' and she's probably saying it to boost my moral, but I think I'm going to have to have a serious chat with her to humour me without actually believing in my flights of fancy.
I know she didn't realise how it sounded when she said it, but she seems to think that if they delay the transplant or say no, then we'll jet straight off to Turkey.
A holiday will be no consolation prize if I can't have a transplant and I better warn her the depths of despair that I will sink into if this meeting on Monday all goes wrong.

I am amazed at the niggling doubts that pop into my head at the moment. I know I'll get them under control again, but I think I will sedate myself on Sunday night as my head isn't going to be a pleasant place to be in!
Hold on... I said today has been a good day, so why is the melancholy mood creeping in again... Be gone dark moods, I have no room for you here!

Lots of love Debbie x

Today is a good day

Knock me down with a feather, as I have got through a whole day without a mishap!

I was beginning to think I was rewriting 'The Twelve days of Christmas' only now to be called 'The Twelve months of Sickness' going on the lines of example;
10 doses of Streptoccoccus pneumoniae
9 bouts of Nose lining infections
8 doses of Staphylococcus aureus
7 nights of Haempohilus Influenzae
6 painful ribs from coughing fits
And then I pooed the bed.... etc etc

Can't see it catching on some how!

Today was good though.
Thankfully due to the fact that I had an antiseptic wipe in my hand all day yesterday, plus every room and everything had been scrubbed and washed within an inch of it's life by a very knackered yours truly, my bungalow was shiny and smelt ultra clean ready from my old friend's visit today.
I haven't seen Janet and Roger for what must be over 23 years since they left the village and went back to London to live. We did see each other for a couple of years afterwards, but as I didn't drive and they were living on the outskirts of London, the journey was too arduous to go by train, the tubes and finally buses. So regretfully our lives just moved on separately and our friendship petered out, until one day a couple of years ago, Janet saw Jean and myself when I had won Jean some flowers, on the front page of a local newspaper that had somehow ended up in Enfield and she had seen it. Fate?
After a bit of detective work and a few emails, she got in contact and we started corresponding with each other just over a year ago, but never actually spoke on the phone.

Janet has been very ill too with cancer and has thankfully beaten it, so we both see each other as lucky survivors. We both had a wealth of funny stories to tell each other, as well as knowing exactly how each other felt through the bad and the good days.
It was really liberating being able to talk about the feelings of guilt, the anger and the fears to name but a few and have someone say that they had felt just like that at that time or at that person.
Also our families had followed similar patterns and although it had been over 20 years, it was if it was only yesterday that we had met up.
Roger cut the hedges for me as we talked another hour away about yet another topic, but he was rewarded with extra fruit jelly and ice cream while we sat out in the sunshine the whole day.

So off to bed now and I feel quite content for the first time in a while. My life, as I have already said, will never be boring and although 'challenged' at times, chatting today about my friends and family to Janet and Roger, confirmed to me again just how lucky I am to be me whatever happens in the future.

Lots of love Debbie x

Oh what a lovely morning

Well I have exceeded even my realms of bad luck. This morning I think I topped whatever has happened to me in the last couple of months with bells on......
I shat myself in bed.

I was mortified. I had just thrown back my duvet and just about getting out of my bed to go to the toilet to do my ablutions as per normal and I coughed. I was so busy holding my ribcage, that I didn't realise that what I thought just was a morning passing of wind, was actually a fully blown follow through so to speak!
All over my clean sheets that Oliver so carefully changed for me yesterday. I had no pain or any inkling that I was going to do that at all. I had already been up to answer my 'docobo' with today's stats and was just back sitting crossed legged in my bed about to do my drugs.
I now know this was not an advisable position to sit in.

I don't know if any of you have ever had this happen to you, but my goodness poo does travel, mainly on the base sheet and on my bedroom rug where I then trod in it, so it then travelled across the hall way and through to the bath room. When I tried to remove my nightie, it went up my back and into my hair.
Good gawd it was only a little fart, had I been brewing this poo for ages????
Was it the rich lamb yesterday, or the couple rich dark truffles just before bedtime that were a present or was it my body getting rid of the last remains of the toxins from my drugs, that already had shown horrible side effects while treating my latest infection???

Whatever it was, I now had a major crisis on my hands which took me three hours and twenty two minutes to sort out, because I move at a snails pace.
The reason I have help changing the bed is because I can't do it anymore without nearly keeling over afterwards. But today I had to drag off the bottom sheet which was the only one other than my 'cool sleeper' mattress topper that got 'hit'.
The topper was dragged to the washing machine and washed straight away as that was only mildly marked, but the bottom sheet and my nightie had to be thoroughly rinsed out first, but not until I had been sluiced down too.
So while they were soaking after a good rinsing, I threw open all my windows as I was paranoid it would smell in my bungalow and threw out my poor old friend of a bedroom rug which I decided I couldn't even face trying to save.
After washing down the bathroom, hallway and kitchen floors, the oxygen tubing that drags across all the floor and all the worktops in case they had been contaminated on route, plus all door handles, my kitchen looked like Widow Twankey's launderette as I had to drag out of the washing machine my sheets from last night that I was about to wash this morning, I then decided I could dry my hair.
It was then that I sat and cried.

I was shattered, my oxygen levels had dropped and my heart rate was going like the clappers. My fingers and lips were blue, my head was pounding and my ribs hurt like hell, but I had succeeded and cleaned up my home to every inch of it's life.
I had achieved something, so I wasn't completely useless. It was deja vu of when I ironed my pillows cases on my pillows when I had that violent infection over this winter time. I felt like I was dying then and even had Ruth worried. But I still had my standards and ironed my pillowcases after my friend had changed my sheets into the set that I hadn't ironed. Even though I melted the allergy cases inside my pillowcases and had to buy new ones it was worth it. After all, what would the ambulance men say if they saw I didn't keep a tidy home huh?

Luckily I got all my washing dried before the rain came, Barbara came round with holiday brandy for me and Greta called round to put the topper mattress back on after she rang me lunchtime and I had told her my tale of lament.
Ann who had also popped round at the same time helped Greta and life has resumed to normal until the next episode from hell!
I am typing this with a glass of brandy in my hand for medicinal purposes only of course, but tonight I will go to bed with pants on just in case!

Lots of love Debbie x

Some you win and some you fight another day

Last night opened up a whole new slant on the word 'nightmares', as this morning I woke up feeling like a field of galloping horses had jumped through my window in the night and trampled over my rib cage while I was sleeping.
Sweet mercy I'm sore today. Thanks to yesterday's rather violent coughing fit and then the continuous replays throughout the day of what seemed at times, non stop coughing, my rib cage and throat took a battering.
Today however my cough sounds like a cat trying to cough up a hair ball... Mmm glamorous and I have to hold my stomach every time I cough.
But still, the other feelings of melancholy are disappearing and my legs and headaches are beginning to subside into a distant memory too. Plus as long as I just eat chocolate, I have the nausea licked too! Bonus!

Actually I don't just eat chocolate, just in case my consultant and any of my care team are reading this. I also had porridge for breakfast... less dangerous than bread as I found out to my cost yesterday and then my special roast lamb for dinner.
I had invited Oliver and Reni around with my ex husband for their first year wedding anniversary dinner.
It did seem at one point that Oliver was actually cooking most of the dinner, but he does cook the worlds best roast potatoes.
Bless him, talk about having to sing for your supper, but he does observe before I do when parts of me are turning blue and he takes over without alarming me.
By the time they left, my kitchen was spotless thanks to Reni and my ex, plus my bed sheets had been changed thanks to Oliver. All done without any 'pity' looks, but as if it was perfectly normal to be invited to dinner while working non stop over their vibrant chat and laughter.
Whatever we didn't achieve in our marriage, we certainly did achieve something very right with our children. He has a very big kind and sensitive heart that boy.

So hopefully this week will start on a better note. A couple more hot baths and my ribs will be as good as new. And of course it's only eight more sleeps before the big day at Papworth.
I do hope that I am not pining too much on this meeting and that I won't come home with my dreams crushed. Rightly or wrongly, I have tried to put that aspect to the back of my mind, but it's a sneaky little thought that keeps wheedling it's way to the front again.

Julie asked today what would I do if they said that I could go on the list, but not until the next financial year?
I said defiantly that I would go on holiday to Turkey and sod the lot of them, but I could see in her eyes too that, that the idea was a brilliant and feisty one, but a bit of a non starter too.
For one thing it would cost an arm and a leg to hire the oxygen for the four hour flight, if I am allowed to fly at the moment and to use whilst over there.
But really we both know that sadly however much I hate being a defeatist, I have lost my nerve about travelling long distance now and I get so damn tired so quickly now and when I get tired, bigger problems occur.
I'm sure it can be done, but I haven't the energy to sort it out at this moment in time. Maybe if they say no, then my fighting spirit will come back with a vengeance and I will have another plan, who knows?

Lots of love Debbie x

Bread 1 Debbie 0

Well I thought yesterday that my day couldn't get any worse... wrong.
I was meeting my friend today for lunch at a really nice restaurant, which incidentally I have been looking forward to visiting for ages. I thought I would just take the morning slowly getting ready and look every inch a lady that lunches, even though most ladies don't have tubes up their noses while dressed in their posh togs.

Thankfully I didn't sleep as bad as I have done the last few nights so I didn't have big black rings under my eyes, but my legs are still jumping about like tics.
I had a hot bath as I thought that would calm my legs and it did for a while. Or, it could have just been the next set of problematical events that took place that overshadowed my legs and took my mind off the jumping.

I decided to have a slice of bread and jam as I was still feeling a bit icky, but as I went to bite into the bread, I inhaled. I inhaled a piece of crust which flew down my throat and caused me to have a choking coughing fit. I was gagging and trying to breathe while vomiting all at the same time and of course just for added interest, the front door bell went to add to the mayhem.
By this point I was hanging onto the sink with my jumpy legs buckling, while trying to aim my vomit into the kitchen sink while missing my clean washing up and bread.
I am a polite puker!
My sister and brother-in-law were the ones on who rang my doorbell and were by now contemplating breaking in as they could hear me coughing and gagging for England and by this point I was praying very hard, as this was fast turning into my worst nightmare... I felt it was very possible that I was going to die with no knickers on and a very short khaftan!
I must have been a right git in my first life to warrant this.
Thankfully I managed to let them in and they got me some water and some knickers to put on and slowly I returned to being near normal for me, thats if you take into consideration that my eyes and nose were running and my freshly washed hair was now hanging in sweat... Great a real great look, so like a lady who lunches!

Unfortunately by now my throat had been so roughed up, that all I kept doing for the rest of the day was coughing and I really do feel knackered now.
I did get to lunch with my friend thanks to mustering every bit of bloody mindedness in me, all be it three quarters of an hour late and still very shaky, but I did call her in my defence and I did manage to eat some fish pie which slipped down nicely.
I managed to stay for the lunch and then I am pleased to stay that I retreated to my sofa and that's where I intended to stay for the rest of the day and night.
I don't want to be sociable anymore today. I feel absolutely shattered from being sick and coughing up nasties and I'm sure that there can't possibly be anymore phlegm in my lungs. There is however some on my new necklace, as I couldn't get it out the way in time when I was chucking up after lunch!
Nice... could this be why I am single????

Lots of love Debbie x

Rant time... spiders beware

I feel ick.
Sorry, but I am going to rant today, as if I don't start sleeping properly soon, all my rational thinking of not letting my insomnia get the better of me will be replaced by the bitch from hell school of thinking!
I can't even work out myself how I feel today, apart from feeling in the words of a child... ick. My restless leg syndrome has upped a notch and instead of just annoying me at night, my legs have been driving me potty all day. It's the backs of my legs that are suffering and they feel shivery all the time too...why?
I've been on my oxygen nearly all day as I've had the energy of a 10 watt bulb, plus headaches, alternative hot and cold flushes and an upset stomach.

I had a massage booked for 11am to try and sort out my aches and pains and as I had spent my cash at a handbag party last night, I had to go to the hole in the wall and get some more.
There I met three people, one after the other who were full of doom and gloom, bit like myself now, but I blame them for putting me in this mood in the first place.
The first prophet of doom's conversation went on the lines of 'Oh you are still holding on then, as my friend has just died.'
Well that is what you call an opening chat up line! I said on these lines that I was sorry to hear that and hoped that he didn't have the same disease as me and that I wasn't going to die just yet, but with a bit more sarcasm thrown in, which went right over his head which incidentally was the only thing that did cover his head, the baldy git... Sorry being childish now.

Next I met an old school chum, who went on to tell me that his friend was far worse than me, as he never left his house. I apologised for the fact that I dragged my butt out everyday even when I felt like death warmed up, just to keep myself motivated and fit. And he had the audacity to look shocked by my reply and hello, would I be on this list if I didn't need a transplant.
I may smile a lot, but I do feel crap most the time damn it.
As I got in the car, the mother of the other woman in the village who apparently needs a transplant, glared at me. If her eyes could throw daggers, then I'd be dead now. Actually that might be helpful, as they could all say, 'Oo she was ill then!'
Well that's three people crossed off my Christmas list!

The joys of the massage were short lived, as I couldn't get warm when I got back.
I've also noticed that some of the surrounding fields of wheat or whatever are being cut, so my bungalow will be overrun will asylum seeking harvest spiders very soon. They are probably walking this way shouting 'sanctuary' as I type.
My mother had a wobble where I was 10mins late getting round hers and my pure white cardigan was driven over by my neighbour's car where I dropped it in the road on route to my mother's. Plus I feel as if something has died in my mouth again.
I'm going to bed so I can start a fresh all over again.
Rant over...sorry

Lots of love Debbie x

Sleep... who needs it

Well another night of fun and follicks, as come 2.30am I was still wide awake and fretting that I couldn't sleep properly for the third night in a row.
However by 3am I had decided what was the point of worrying as it wasn't as if I had to go to work or had anything major to do like save the world and at that point, I fell asleep.
Was it the fact that it was the fear of not sleeping that was keeping me awake, when the act of two fingers up at the insomnia, was what I needed to relax enough for sleep to come to me?

I suppose it comes back to accepting what you can and can't change. Although saying that, I hope that I don't have another bad night, as after changing the TV channels looking for something to watch, I found out how easy it is to buy something on the late night QVC shopping channel... Boredom comes at a price obviously and thank goodness it was out of stock!

Strangely enough, but I was still up relatively early this morning and was quite alert which is a miracle for me, apart from catching my car key in my ear at one point and treading my my oxygen tubes more than normal.
I did start to feel very sleepy about lunchtime which can be dicey, as I fell asleep at mother's yesterday about this time and I don't think that helped with my bad nocturnal habits. Plus when I woke up from my nap, my mother was a kip in exactly the same sitting position as myself in the chair next to me. We looked like a pair of bookends!
I am an old fart!
So my answer to stop myself from falling asleep again like an oldie, was to go off to the cinema of course.
It felt very decadent going to the cinema in the afternoon, especially after I had lied to my mother about where I was going. Lordy, I'm nearly 55 for goodness sake, if I want to go to the cinema in the afternoon, then why not? Mind you I'm still not telling her!
There was only five cinema goers watching my chosen film and it was really quite uplifting with quite a lot of 'Ahhh' moments in it. I came away with a nice warm glow about me, especially as Julia Roberts is now showing signs of her age... Hoorah!

Well I am yawning now, so that's a good sign as it's only 12.32 am. Time for a cup of chamomile tea and a couple of chapters of my book and hopefully as it's cool I should drift off easily.
I've had a fairly stress free day, seeing friends this morning, cinema with Tom Hanks this afternoon and a handbag party tonight when I got three presents for others and one shopping bag for myself.
A good day.

Lots of love Debbie x

Rubber ring anyone?

Back to the drawing board, as I am not sure if it is the weather or the cider that is making me so hot, but I felt like a wet dish rag yet again last night!

I'm beginning to think, as think is all I can do thanks to the fact that I chucked out the tablet information into my rubbish bin without reading the do's and don'ts. That maybe the reason that you can only take Erdosteine for 10 days at a time is that they do react with certain things.

Guide lines are if my memory serves me well;
You can only take Erdosteine or Erdotin while taking a course of antibiotics. On most antibiotics you are advised not to drink alcohol at the same time. I've always wanted to know what happens if you mix the two, alcohol and tablets and I think I have found out by accident. Even though I waited for my 7 day course of antibiotics to finish, my Erdotin course is 10 days, a slight overlap, but same unhappy side effects by the looks of it.
Very hot sweats and a bit of a gippy tummy I'm afraid to say.

I had a friend round for lunch today, which was lovely as she is a sweet lady who is mature in her years, but always beautifully colour co-ordinationed and turned out, today is was in a beautiful turquoise blue colour.
As we both have a love of Turkish holidays, over lunch I showed her my photograph album of my various holidays there in Oludeniz.
In those photos was a very tanned healthy looking woman with the biggest smile going and that was me. My face is still tanned and I'm still smiling, but I'm a just a ghost of that woman in the photos, some only taken about four years ago.

My tummy had felt a bit unhappy from my tablet cocktail before she arrived and after she left, I had to dash to get to the toilet.
As I sat there on the loo feeling rather sorry for myself and my very hot bottom, I noticed a flash of blue coming up my garden path.
I managed to get myself together enough to answer the door to her, thinking that she had left something behind in the bungalow, but the blue outfit belonged to a very nice lady who was here to tell me about the wonders of the 'Watch Tower'. I'm not rude to any person of any chosen religion, but with my knickers in a tangle under my leggings from where I had yanked them up too quickly, I really wanted to tell her to go away, but I didn't. Though I was wiggling about like a flustered mad woman, which I rather think unnerved her.
Anyway....
After she left rapidly up the garden path, I sat resting on my sofa for a while. I had mentioned that since being retired that I love sitting in silence and that I notice things in even more detail than I already did.
Strangely enough for me, I have grown to like watching birds this summer and I have been intrigued and amused by what I call the teenagers. I think they are either thrushes or sparrows, as I'm not that up on makes of birds yet, but if they were in human years, they would definitely be adolescents. They all stay together in a pack and swoop from walls to roof tops altogether in a line.
They quite often all sit on my front wall and are all real little characters; the alpha males, the giggling girls, the fools of the pack and the ones trying to fit in, but always getting left behind.
So cute to watch especially when you feel like you should be sitting on a rubber ring!

So no cider tonight as I still have two more days of Erdotin to take. Lets see what makes me sweat tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x

And the lucky winner is

My goodness me I was hot, hot, hot in bed last night and no, all my fantasies of Eddie Izzard and Alan Rickman hadn't all come together at once, but it was where it was so humid last night.
For one scary moment I thought it was my much longed for glass of blush cider reacting with whatever traces of antibiotics were still in my system, but after talking to a few people later on in the morning, I found out it wasn't just me that woke up looking like a drowned rat.
Mind you if either Alan or Eddie had woken up next to me this morning, they would had fled from my bedroom at breakneck speed screaming!
I was not a pretty picture. My hair was a dried sticky mess on my hair from the combination of sweat and yesterday's hair mousse and my nightie and sheets still felt damp from where I had woken up drenched in the night.

After a much needed shower, Reni and myself went off to sell books outside the church again, but this time for their chosen charity.
I rather like sitting there and having a chat with everyone who passes by and we did do rather well again. 'Holiday reading' was how we were selling it. Sir Alan Sugar would have been proud of us.
We have a new batch to sell next time thanks to Julie, as she sorted out two large loads for us, so we hope to get another morning of fund raising in before the coffee mornings summer shutdown through August.
Reni really enjoys it and I feel as if I'm actually doing something worthwhile again.

I had my physio this afternoon and Hannah was trying to keep me calm by telling me that this appointment will probably just be a chat this time and no decisions made on the day, so I don't actually explode before I get to Papworth.
I'm trying hard to look on the negative side and that I might not hear what I want so desperately to hear. I have to look at it as whatever happens, well at least I will know where I stand and hey, I might actually get a holiday before the summer season is over for holidays and for me.
This way of thinking might not be the right way to face the outcome, but I won't be so disappointed if things don't work out for me.
As I have always said, I have to have plan A and plan B and even a plan C to carry on.

I had two of my old work friends Jan and Pat around for a meal tonight. Although one of them stopped working for ARU about 6 years ago after she went on to pastures new, but we have always kept in touch.
It was only a simple meal of wholemeal veggie flan and salad, but it was quite tasty and between us, we talked for England.
We giggled about how I had been coveting Jan's shoe boxes full of competition post cards and how I had all my friends hunting for postcards! She is the queen of competitions and has these amazing files of postcards in order to suit most of the competitions that we enter.
Some people may think we are quite anal, but I really enjoy being a 'comper' and wondering what I might win. After all I have already won a family holiday to Florida, which ok I couldn't go on as not being allowed to fly for more than four hours, but Oliver and Reni enjoyed it and last year I won a holiday for two to Cyprus, which I did of course go on. Not forgetting my £250 worth a wall cladding and a spa weekend just to name a few other prizes! Not laughing now folks are we!
If I'm feeling under the weather, it gives me something to do and if I can pass my winnings on to friends and family, it still gives me a buzz.

Well I'm off to try another glass of cider just to see if that makes me sweat, but it is very hot again tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x

Cheers!

A lovely day out there today and it looks like it should be good all week, which is hopeful as St. Swithens day is on the 14th July and if it rains then, then we are in for 40 days and nights of the wet stuff.
I know, I know, I am a superstitious old fruit cake who talks and salutes to Magpies and performs money spells on a full moon, but can't hurt to try and help to encourage a bit of good luck my way.
I'd be happy with just getting my washing dry at the moment!

I had some treatment on my blessed verrucas first thing this morning and although I don't hold out a lot of luck in getting rid of them as I've had them for years now, it would be nice to make sure that I don't get anymore spring up.
I am rather agreeing of the theory that as my immune system isn't too brilliant and that they are positioned right on the lung area of the foot... if you don't know anything about reflexology, the lung area is the fleshy part of the foot below the toes... that I might well be stuck with them till after my transplant. If I get one of course.

Next I had to take mother to go to see the nurse again this morning and unless mother was bluffing, we might be making headway with getting in some personal help for her a couple of mornings a week.
If she agrees to that, then that would be a great help.
We ended up having fish and chips afterwards as a bit of a treat for her, so there's nothing wrong with her appetite just as long as it's not always the same boring frozen dinners. I do try and get her good range of quality frozen meals, but freshly cooked food is far more appealing for her.

After she was settled, I went off to pick up Reni and we went for a ride over to the Blue Egg or Blue Goose, not sure what it's called, but it out in the sticks and has lovely food in the little posh cafe and a little shop with lots of lovely pretty things that you don't really need but just want them.
Before we went in, Reni gave me a lovely gold sequined heart and a thank you card for my help with the fund raising... I do love that young lady you know, and then she brought me a rather scrummy cake to go with an ice cold drink... bonus!
I stocked up on some rather funny birthday cards, as I seem to get through birthday cards at a rate of knots. I think I'd rather have a birthday card than a present sometimes, but don't hold me to that, as I'm quite fickle at times and would be heartbroken if I didn't get a pressie.
I also brought some rather splendid geraniums for outside my new garden shed. I was looking for a cute 'Debs Shed' sign so I could hang it over the door, but zilch. I'll keep looking.

By the time we'd done a food shop via the way home and carried in my food shopping and then made mother's supper, I was absolutely pooped. Perhaps it was a case of trying to do too much too quickly?
As I've finished my antibiotics at 6am this morning, I feel that I can treat myself to a glass of ice cold cider, the one that I brought yesterday. So please excuse me, but I have a date with something lovely!

Lots of love Debbie x

Red nails and top chefs

There's a bossy old bird in my garden and for once it's not me.
I think it is a thrush, but definitely not a song thrush. It sits on my garden table most mornings and nags all the other birds in the garden really loudly. Strangely enough, next doors cat isn't bothered by it all and both sit near each other on my table.
I have an affinity with this bird as it's minus a tail so can't fly and just hops about everywhere instead and it's also very vocal about everything, just like me again!

I feel in a really good mood today. Part of me stopped living in limbo yesterday, that part of me being my toenails... I had them painted again; dark blood red.
I always had them gelled and stopped having them done the moment the words 'transplant tests' were mentioned. Having your nails painted doesn't really work when you have your stats done twice a day on the docobo and if they needed to check my toes for signs of oxygen restriction from some reason, having gelled nails was a definite no no.
Looking at my lovely painted toes was a bit like when I went back to being a blonde again after Christmas, I felt I'd discovered a little bit of me again. Feels good.

Julie, Ann, Greta, Ken and Jean all went off to Cressing Temple today to see the brilliant chefs Jean-Christophe Novelli and Mark Baumann... double yummy.
It was a really lovely day sitting there in the sunshine eating and drinking while listening to live music. Or later, sitting down wind of some rather mouth watering aromas coming from the cookery demonstrations of these amazing chefs. We even got to taste JCN's slow roasted pork belly... Mmmmm
We all seemed to buy some rather delicious tasting blush cider, which I can't wait to drink ice cold once I get off these damn drugs... not long now thankfully. I did get to drink a thimble full of sparkling champagne with a difference: it was sparkling because it had real pieces of gold leaf in it! How ever pretty and tasty, I showed strong resolve and didn't buy. I did buy a pot of strawberry and lavender jam and a pot of peach melba jam. Also came back with a voucher for 'buy one meal and get one free' for Mark Baumanns brasserie. Mmmm I shall look forward to eating there again in the future.

When I got home and was relaxing with half a dozen cups of tea, one after the other... we did rather dehydrate out there today in the sunshine... I sat watching yet more birds. This time two in particular who I have seen before, a pair of love birds masquerading as pigeons!
They are so sweet. They regularly have been sitting close together on my neighbours roof now for some time. She is a lot smaller than him and he is so attentive... so sweet. You can also see his wing wrapping around her!
A lovely day all round.

Lots of love Debbie x

Mmmm I am the thinker today

My new little shed is being christened in the poring rain right at this very moment. The rain is falling down like stair rods, but it is a nice feeling.
Standing by my back door, the air smells so fresh with added bonus of freshly mown grass. Earlier when I was standing thanking my brother-in-law Ed and my friend's husband Ken for all their hard work on my new shed, I could smell the lavender and the honeysuckle too in my garden. I wondered if that official on Thursday from the housing association realised just how thankful I was for my home here?

If I have achieved nothing else, I have achieved a lovely safe haven which I have put together and paid for on my own and that is a wonderful feeling after totally starting out again 5 years ago.
Obviously I have a lot help along the way mainly thanks to Derek with putting my buys together and who has been a wee bit worried that sometimes I haven't totally thought things through before I've brought them, but I've learnt along the way.
This week I have felt quite detached from the real world thanks to the latest infection and this blasted mixture of drugs, but as long as I am in my home I feel safe and content and that is worth it's weight in gold at the moment.

I had a long chat with my brother-in-law today while waiting for Ken to arrive about feelings. My nephew, his son, is quadriplegic after a freak car accident 8 years ago in November when he was just 19 years old.
We were talking about our lives changing because of accidents or illness and how at any age it was hard losing control. I now fully realise just how much my brother-in-law and my sister had lost control of their lives too that night of the accident. It's everyone who you love that have had their lives changed too in one way or another and have had to adapt, so I am really sorry to all my family and friends that put up with my mood swings and tears, having plans changed at the last moment or my neurosis behaviour when planning a trip even.
It's not just me who can't happily go care free to functions, but my family and friends too, as either they don't want to go if we are not all going or I might have to let them down at the last moment, so really trips turn into 'a will we won't' event.
This year has been one of waiting in limbo and once I know what is in store for me then I will go on holiday or whatever, but for the time being, I am so glad of my safe haven home.
But please let me express that my friends and family are my safe haven too and without their love, I would have gone under a long while ago.

Right, I'm getting slushy so lets change the subject quickly. I was suppose to go to an old 'close friend' if you get my drift, engagement party tonight, but I thought better of it in the end. We still do get on very well and over the years we have been a sounding board for each other when were seeing various people, but I had a sneaky feeling I wouldn't had been the only 'close friend' there tonight as he was well known in this village and I would hate to have joined the chorus line of Miss Havershams!
I can see the comical side of this, but I hate to have others thinking that I was there out of post 'friend' nostalgia. Blimey I shared a house with him and another mate for a while, so good luck to his fiancee, that's all I can say. But I really do wish them all the best and it's good to see that he has at last found happiness. Cheers hun!
A strange day of contemplating all in all.

Lots of love Debbie x

Winds of change?

Talk about things that go bump in the night and no it wasn't me staggering around in the dark again with my restless legs.
The wind had got up again so strongly through the night that my half erected shed, started falling apart and what was left standing was banging in to each other like a giant garden wind chime!
Weirdly enough I sleep through it.
For those who have been reading my blog for a while now, will remember that it's coming up to Oliver and Reni's first wedding anniversary and this time last year I was having nightmares about the mini marquee in my garden taking off in the strong winds and ending up in the next village.
After a cry for help, Greta's husband came round and took it down before any further damage was done to my poor little shed.
Even if I was able to bend and stretch, I still wouldn't be able to do anything as I don't know one end of screwdriver from the other.
I feel totally useless at times and that sucks.

I had to wait in today as I was being inspected, correction my bungalow was being inspected.
For the past two years I have lived in community housing and as reported on the news, there has been a lot of dodgy dealings in the inner cities with people subletting at extorted rates. I guess they are doing a check to make sure you are who you are supposed be, even though we live in a little village. Unfortunately for me though, I had to convince her that there wasn't a Mr D Burden, but only me; Ms D Burden. I showed her my signed tenancy agreement, National Insurance number and driving licence etc, explained that I had reported the mistake when I received her letter advising my about inspection and she still looked at me as if it was my mistake even though every other piece of communication from them said Ms D Burden.
Hello... your typo error my dear and worse, she didn't say once 'Ooo you've got a lovely bungalow!'
I happen to be very proud of my little home.
Then we had to walk over to sort out my mother's bungalow inspection. That was fun, as she couldn't understand a word that the woman said and my sister has all mother's paperwork at her house, so I was dashing around trying to sort out anything I could to prove that this little 93 year lady was indeed the tenant that had lived there for the past 20 odd years and not some alien family.
Mother was fast losing patience with the fact that she couldn't even hear what the lady was saying let alone understand her and then she knocked a full glass of juice flying when trying to find her glasses. I can think of better ways to spend an afternoon.

Still health wise I felt a lot better again and even got my appetite back enough to eat my evening meal and to enjoy it and not feel iffy at all during or after eating it. A lot of ands but all very important ands!
Hoorah that's a really good sign!
One step closer to feeling better for my goal, being well so I can go to Papworth with a clear head, because as you can tell; I talk a lot of gobbledygook when I'm feeling under the weather.
I am so worried that I will screw up when they question me, especially when they try to see if I am balanced mentally. Lordy I just know I will fail that one.
Yay only 17 sleeps now... but this is as nerve racking as being a child at Christmas! I can remember every year thinking have I been good enough to get the present that I had asked for. I always had doubts that maybe I didn't deserve that present and I would get a 'must try better' note which is what I always got stamped on my report at school.
What happens if they say 'not ill enough, come back next year' or 'too ill, so... reject'.
Hell I better change it and make it only 16 sleeps as no way will I sleep the night before on the 24th.
Ah well what will be will be and what ever the outcome, at least I will know where I stand. But that hasn't stopped me reading every horoscope in every magazine in the hope that they say 'Your life is about to change forever'

Lots of love Debbie x

Ssssh legs, I need my sleep

Goodness me, I was living up to the sign in my front door today.
'Beware grumpy old woman!'
First thing this morning, you definitely had to beware of me as I had very little sleep last night, in fact I refused to get up until 10am.
The body was willing to sleep even before lights out last night, but my thighs had other ideas and wanted to party all night doing what seemed to be the conga with the way they kept jumping about.
I had them under the duvet, then on top of the duvet, over the side of the bed and then near enough sitting on them to cramp them into submission. I tried walking around the bedroom and then standing on a cold floor in the bathroom for ages, but nothing would lull them to sleep.
I think in the end I must have just flaked out as I woke up spread eagled across the bed.

Tiredness makes me clumsy and I must have trod on or caught my oxygen tubes on things or around things about 100 times in the first hour of being awake. I swear because of the deep grove I'm getting between my head and my ears, I will have ears that stick out like a pixie by the time I die! And I'm so hungry. I want to eat, but I feel sick when I try, at least I've lost a whole lb since yesterday so every cloud has a silver lining and all that.

Mother seemed really pleased with Carla, the new foot lady and she got rid of the nasty corn that was growing under her nail and protruding out the top, no problem at all.
It's days like this that mother can be really charming and lovely, and you can see how alert she can be. I don't think she repeated anything today apart from forgetting that I had just phoned her when I got back from St Pete's and she had phoned me again to see how I was.
I had phoned to say that I wouldn't be back round again that night, as I had a headache to end all headaches after being beaten like a pinata at a rather boisterous child's party. Only instead of sweets spilling out, it was very loose phlegm thanks to the Erdostein.
Coo can you imagine that at a childs party!?
Vera was my pummeler today and as we always giggle a lot, it has the effect of rather speeding up the phlegm production. Plus that fact she is one of many physios that finds pummeling me a great way of distressing, so it's just as well I prefer and can handle a good bashing... always happy to help out girls!

So an overall summary of today. Feeling better apart from the nausea from the tablets, the tiredness from the twitching legs, probably from the tablets again and the odd feeling of paranoia. That has got to come from the tablets surely!?
I've not had that feeling as intense before. If I passed a car on the road, I was worried it might come too close to me and I actually jumped when I passed a car driving slowly towards the road on it's drive way. I knew it would stop as the driver was smiling at me, or was it a bemused look at the one of fear on my face? Also If I heard a creaking sound in my bungalow, which normally sounds like the Marie Celeste at the best of times with all the doors and windows open, but today I got totally freaked out and started checking rooms.
Lordy I need a lie down, but please keep the partying to a minimum legs!

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm getting warmer

Hoorah the socks are off! Still getting the odd shivers, but on the whole I'm feeling a whole lot better than yesterday. Just the headaches, aching limbs and tiredness to go and then I've cracked it. Then of course I've just got to sort out the nausea and stomach cramps from these new antibiotics and I'll be fighting fit!
Apparantly it is my dreaded staphylococcal yet again, so that explains a lot.

Had a busy morning seeing the medics. My local doctor first to talk about alternative statins to get my cholesterol levels down. The doctor reassured me that 5.1 wasn't anything to worry about too much, but agreed with my specialist that I need to present the best shape my body can be in to the Papworth doctors on the 25th.
The doctor gave me some tablets that I've seen at my mothers. Strange, I never did know what they were for and nor did she bless her. I found boxes of them last year at the back of her cupboard where she wouldn't take them!
Also I asked her for a diet sheet to help me try and see what I could cut out. Woe is me, as I have to cut out olives, Greek yoghurt and almonds to name but a few. I thought that they were all healthy foods? If they say I have to give up tomatoes, then I'll slit my throat now. The Greek yoghurt certainly aided my IBS caused by all the drugs that I take. Still I will do my best and try and avoid them like the sheet says... damn it!
She also is very keen on my mental state. Ha, if she had met me before, she would know that I've always been a bit on the odd side.

Next Ruth came round to see me and has given me a prescription for Erdosteine for the next 10 days instead of my usual Visclair. Hopefully the two new drugs together will give me a much needed boost to the system, unfortunately I will have to wait until tomorrow as the chemist has got to order them in especially for me. Ah well it isn't the end of the world.

My poor brother-in-law had drawn the short straw of erecting my garden shed as well today. He thought I was exaggerating that it would take at least four hours to erect. The fact that it was red hot out there today in my back garden and we had taken the gazebo down to make way for the shed, so there was no cover and plus the instructions were in French, didn't make for a fun day for him. Plus the back ground noise of me having physio and coughing my lungs up while he was working, was a bit stomach churning for even ex double hard coppers!
I did my best to keep him fed and watered, but after fixing the roof and two sides, he had to call it a day and to come back with reinforcements at the weekend.

Lots of love Debbie x

Infection mark 2

I did get a slight hint that there was something amiss last night when I went to bed wearing woolly socks in July and lay there shivering!
Yay, I have another infection. No not yay at all, but Yah boo sucks.
I've only had a couple of doses of my new antibiotics, which are Erythromycin this time and my goodness me, they make you feel quite queasy.
This is going to be a fun week I can see.

I had to take mother to see the nurse at lunchtime and luckily her blood test results have come back negative so she hasn't got diabetes. I am so pleased as I really didn't know how that was going to pan out.
Also I thought we had a breakthrough today, as my mother's favourite nurse gave her a little talk about having some extra help in just for the mornings, getting her up and helping her to take her showers, getting her breakfast etc as that is when she is most wobbly.
She was very tactful and said that we all know that she wants to remain independent, but having a hours help twice a week will help take off some worry from me and she can remain independent in her bungalow. I did think that she took it all on board, but when my sister quizzed her tonight, the lips were firmly closed on that subject.
Ah well back to the drawing board, but we do have another visit to the nurse again next week yet so fingers crossed that she might surrender.

I don't believe how cold I keep feeling today and then when I add a cardigan, I go and have a hot sweat! Damn it this infection is a bit unpredictable. It's another 'Staf' infection and I've had it before. It's not very pleasant if my memory serves me well.
I drove Julie to the hospital to have her hormone replacement done this afternoon and I was freezing sitting in the air con waiting room while everyone else were complaining they were hot... I wish!
After I dropped Julie off at home, I just wanted to sleep for England, but every time I tried, I started coughing this raspy dry cough, till eventually I coughed something away. Hardly the recipe for a restful nap!
I have some more drugs coming tomorrow so hopefully they will get things loosened on the old chest front and I'll settle into a routine again.
I got to see the doctor and the head physio tomorrow, well after all they would be so bored without me!
So early to bed tonight. I must go and search out my patchwork quilt and fleecy pjs!

Lots of love Debbie x

What have I achieved?

I think perhaps the cheese has had a delayed reaction on my sleeping habits, as it was gone 2.30am before I actually went off to sleep and even then it came in fits and starts.
It wasn't because I was hot this time, as I had left my windows wide open before bedtime and the room was lovely and cool. I was even able to snuggle up under the duvet for at least ten minutes, but then I still rolled about the bed as restless as could be.

As you can imagine, I felt a tad knackered when I woke up this morning, but I had promised myself that I would go to the church family service at 11am and after a cool shower to revive myself as my body was on a go slow, I just got there by the skin of my teeth.
I thought that being a family service that I could say thank you for my all family being one again and to get a bit of divine inspiration about being more serene with my mother, instead of banging my head against the kitchen wall when she isn't looking!
It was a really sweet service with the Rainbows and Brownies attending, most of them the children of the children I knew when they were growing up.
The main topic of the service was 'Achievement' and we were all asked to think about what we had achieved.
Easy... I have brought up two fab boys. Not that I'm saying it has been an easy ride, far from it at times, but I am very proud of them and the men that they have turned into.
I have met and kept friends with a lot of wonderful people who I am very proud to call my friends. I think you have to earn the right to have good friends, so I must have achieved the right as I have THE best friends.
I have picked myself up after getting divorced from my husband of 29 years and remained good friends with him and still a little bit in love with him.
Overcome becoming bankrupt within six months of getting divorced and I've been in control of my finances ever since, be it with help and advice.
Of course facing up to this disease 75% of the time. Ok the other 25% causes me a few wobbles, but I am only human.
Getting over 4,000 hits on this blog! I am amazed that people all over the world are reading my page. Thank you so much and I hope it has helped anyone with a end stage lung disease or you are just enjoying reading it. Please, don't be shy and send me a message?
And I haven't strangled my mother, because I love her very, very much and even though she drives me to drink at times, I'm very proud to call her my mother.
So it was worth the rushing about to get there, as I felt quite warm inside when I left.

Luckily this feeling was still with me when I got to my mothers and there was no 'hello', but just a grumpy 'I thought you had fell asleep.'
Ok back to the kitchen wall head banging!
I think I had driven three miles before I felt safe to open my mouth and talk to her.
Still we got to Maldon with no fisty cuffs and we sat watching the river life again while eating our picnic. The river was really busy today as the tide was quite high and it was perfect for messing about on the water.
Once again, I got quite chilly and I am really hoping that I'm not going down with something else. I'm beginning to think that I really do need this change of drugs to kick start my resistance again. Please don't let me be ill when I'm suppose to be going to Papworth which incidentally is only 21 sleeps now. Perhaps I am getting myself worked up and this is why I feel rough and not sleeping well again?
Anyway off to bed soon.

Lots of love Debbie x

Memory lane

Ooo yuk, I obviously must have eaten far too much melted Gouda last night as I woke up with what tasted and felt like a dead furry mouse covered in cheese in my mouth or of course it could have been my foot from my blunder last night!
Whether it was the melted cheese, the pickled gherkins, the red wine or the combination of all three, I don't know but I felt lethargic for most of the day and the taste is still lingering even after cleaning my teeth every hour, mouth wash and loads of fresh fruit.

Strange day actually today. I couldn't seem to get going for the best part of the day and the weather was so changeable that lunchtime, I snuggled up on the sofa and went off to sleep as I was so chilly and then come afternoon it was really hot sitting in the sunshine. You can never get bored with the weather in England!

My sister and brother-in-law came round to see me after their month long holiday in Portugal, lucky devils as they looked so relaxed and golden brown. They sounded as if they had a lovely chilled out time, watching dolphins playing in the sea, evenings spent eating out in nice restaurants and lying on the beach reading. Jealous? You bet your bottom dollar!
They brought me an unusual silver necklace as an early birthday present which was very kind of them. I wore in the afternoon and now I have a white circle on my chest where it blocked out the sun and the rest of my chest tanned in the sunshine!
I also collared my brother-in-law to put my new shed up for me next week sometime...result! I thought it best not to mention that they advise allowing yourself four to erect it.

I went round to see my friends in the afternoon when I woke up again and realised that I was wasting the day. They got back from Spain yesterday and they were also lovely and brown. Not so relaxed looking though as they didn't get home to the early hours of the morning.
We ended up going to the school fete, as they were just lounging about on the sofas feeling sluggish too.
They pushed me there and then around the school playing field in my wheelchair and I was worried that Greta would hurt her back pushing me over the grass, as I'm no lightweight, but she was very determined.
The school was where all of our children had gone as infant and primary aged and it felt quite weird seeing a lot of their friends there attending the fete with their own children who are now also taught there.
I had even gone there for our district sports when I was in my last year at Hatfield Peverel junior school, which seemed about a hundred years ago now! I think even then I didn't take sport seriously!
It all brought lovely warm memories back.
Unfortunately my friends were sadden by their daughter's memorial garden there , as the sundial had obviously been vandalised at some point. It had been put back together, but not brilliantly. I can see why my friends were a bit reluctant to go to the fete at first as they knew they couldn't go to the school and not look in the garden. What would they feel if it was over grown and unkempt? Claire died with cancer when she was only eleven years old and had literally only just started senior school. She would have been thirty two now.

I met one of Oliver's old school friends there, who went on to take over the family business with her brother. The family business being that of a Funeral Directors. She hasn't changed much at all and was still very easy to talk to though, so I'm going to see her in the next couple of weeks to sort out prepayment for my own funeral.
I had been thinking about it for a while and just in case things don't go right for me, it's always best to be prepared and if I do live to a ripe old age, then the boys won't have to worry either way and I'll get it at guaranteed 2011 rates. Bargain!
I do like being in control.

Oh well I best go and clean my teeth yet again, as that mouse is back!

Lots of love Debbie x

My big mouth strikes again

The count down has now officially began. Only another 24 sleeps till I go to Papworth, how exciting!
The news that I am going to meet the transplant specialists this month, has given me a strange devil may care attitude. I seem to be on a permanent high. I was extremely giggly tonight at my friends 'ratchet' party. I think that's what it's called, but basically it's a grill thing where you melt your cheese into molten lava and then pour it over hot potatoes and gherkins and devour.
A bit like a cheese fondue.
It was jolly good fun all us ladies, sitting around the table with the volume getting louder and louder as we ate more cheese and drank more wine.
I did do a faux pas when moaning about the news that my ex boss making the new information staff wear t-shirts, when I made a comment about what would I wear with the t-shirt if I was still there. I didn't think leggings or jeans were appropriate wear for work and I wouldn't have wanted to look like a lesbian in smart trousers with my t-shirt tucked in. Only I didn't use that word, but a slang word and my lesbian friend was just sitting there laughing as I tried to dig myself out of the hole when I realised what I had said! At least I think she was laughing as I would have hated to offend her.

I am not PC, that is the long and the short of it. I would never say anything to knowingly cause offence, but as I call myself a 'crip' and my best friends call me that too, I can't say I get upset about 'sticks and stones' as long as they are not said with malice.
But I do worry if I think I have offended anyone. The trouble is the words rush out of my mouth before I think and I have always said what I see. Goodness me, how could I be homophobic when a lot of my friends are gay, transsexuals and drag queens?!
Perhaps I will get the heart of a 'lady' and that will change my personality to become a demure lady of breeding?

I do wonder whether you pick up anything from the donor? Will I suddenly start eating pasta, which I don't actually like very much or will I want to go out jogging every morning at the crack of dawn, when everyone knows I hate early mornings? Will I have the urge to shut out 'Everybody on the floor now' in a gruff voice when queuing at the post office to buy my stamps or know another language, when I have the worst ear for sounds now?
Can I dare ask the specialists at Papworth this or will they stamp 'reject' across my file in bold red letters and send me on my way?
Will I see a white light when they take my heart and lungs out, as surely I will be dead for a split second when the machines take over the pumping?
Or how do I lay there on the operating table without drowning in the phlegm, which is what happens now when I try and sleep while sitting back in an arm chair or when laying in the bath even? I have to keep sitting forward to bring it up. Not very restful.
So many questions, but can I ask them?

Maybe it's too much melted cheese or red wine that has made me a bit weird tonight, so apologies to anyone that I may have accidentally offended. I better go to bed while I still have friends.

Lots of love Debbie x