Velour v flannelet

Ooo one tired bunny today when I woke up, so it was definitely pj and lots of strong green tea sort of morning .
I am still weighing up the pros and cons of velour track suits versus flannelet pj bottoms and my old university hoodie.
I know that I look less like a 'crack head' in my velour, as short bleached blonde hair, dark bags under eyes and a hacking cough, may give out the wrong impression, especially while I'm walking around with my shoulders tensed up around my ears in my hoodie and syringes on my bed.
But bleached blonde hair and a woman of a certain age dressed in velour, sounds very Essex too!
Lordy no wonder I live alone, as I can't win either way really!

I did have a leisurely morning to recharge my energy cells, that weren't charged up last night because of lack of sleep again.
I realise it's only a matter of time of when my sleep pattern returns and all will be harmony in my bed again, but until then I will continue shuffling around in the morning until I am ready to rock and roll with the rest of the world.
Of course if I do get the transplant, then I'll be unconscious for at least three days while my body is healing and the doctors keep you out for the count for that long, so I'll definitely catch up then...mental note to warn them that I like my sleep and they may need a rocket launcher to wake me up again!
I think one of the things that is keeping me awake, is that I might not get chance to say goodbye to mother before zooming off to have it all done and that worries me.
On the other hand, I'm trying to always leave her bungalow in a good mood, to leave her smiling and of course to tell her I love her about ten times as I walk through her front door, so she is getting the benefit of me worrying.

Ooo... I've just had my heart jump through my chest and into my mouth as I type!
Earlier I asked Derek's son if he could set the Papworth numbers on my mobile phone to a different ring tone to everyone else's and my phone just went off playing the new ring tone...OMIGOD.
After leaping across the table for the phone and nearly knocking it onto the floor, I then juggled it in the air for a couple of seconds like a hot potato, while I fought to get control of it before checking the number.
But he must have set everyone else's numbers on the new ring tone and Papworth on the old, as it was my youngest son wanting to know which dentist I had booked him into for tomorrow!
I may have weed myself a little bit there I'm afraid folks...
Nerves of steel...nah...nerves of marsh mellow more like!

Lots of love Debbie x

Dinner and phlegm dear?

The good news is that the angiogram consultant couldn't exactly find anything wrong with Derek's heart or should I say what was causing the problems, so it appears that he might not have a heart attack as his heart and surrounding bits aren't damaged in that way after all.
All very confusing.
So now they need to find out why the blood tests registered that he had a mild one and to find out why his pulse rate is so low, so not out of the woods yet, but definitely a bit of sunshine filtering in.
Fingers crossed that whatever it is, that it's easily put right and he can carry on skippering on as many ships as he wishes and he go on to help out with the village pantomime again.
A grounded Derek does not equal a happy bunny.

My trainee physio's highlight of the day, was sadly pummelling me. He was thrilled that I was bringing up so much phlegm off my lungs and the more excited he got, the better rhythm he got when pummelling, which in turn helped me bring up the dregs out of the darkest recesses of my lungs...yeah I wish.
I do hope he didn't go home and tell his girlfriend over dinner all about what he had achieved today, comparing the thickness, the colour and the quantity that he helped out of my lungs with other patients, otherwise I can see that as one short romance!
'Oh darling, you could have hang up wallpaper with the contents of her lungs!', not quite a relaxing environment for a young couple.
It always makes my breathing so much easier after I've got over the sheer effort of it all, but blimey it gives you a headache too.
Somehow I can't get into a such a rapturous state over bringing up the contents of my lungs, but it is nice to see someone getting so much out of a training session and enjoying their job as much as him.
I will however get into a state of ecstasy when I can bend over, stretch up or even laugh out loud with out a mouthful of the green stuff coming up.
However scared I am a bedtime, I have to remember what I'm aiming for and then the dark won't so scary.

My downer of the day, was that my iron died on me.
I love ironing and had got everything ready, complete with a good programme saved ready to watch while I ironed away and zilch, the heat faded away and the iron wouldn't work again. So more money to spend out.
Bummer...at this rate, I'm going to have to go back to work before my transplant! I can't actually remember how long I've had the iron, but I think it's probably around the six year mark now, so I guess it's come to the end of it's life span. A bit like me, got a shelf life date on it!

Lots of love Debbie x

Ooo sleep deprivation is making me cuckoo

I have started to rock backwards and fore wards or either sideways when standing, so I think I officially have sleep deprivation, either that or I'm getting broody!
A whole nights sleep is definitely evading me at the moment and leaving me feeling really rough when morning comes.
A bit like I have been out for a night on the town with the Rolling Stones, Ozzy Osbourne and Alice Cooper in their hay day and who ever is the bad boys of rock now. Although I don't honestly think that nowadays they make bad boys rock stars like the sort from my generation...oh blimey, I have stepped into that trap of quoting 'in my day!'

I can handle this uncertainty of 'will they won't they' calls, so much easier in the daytime when there are people about, but come the moment when I switch of the lights to go to bed, the old wobbles start again.
I fell asleep today late afternoon in the armchair and woke up in the dark, but with a real start as there were blue lights outside my bungalow. For one horrible moment, I thought the ambulance had come to collect me without pre warning me and started hyperventilating...again!
In actual fact it was next door's pretty blue sparkly Christmas lights which they very kindly put on my hedge too. I've always wanted pretty outside Christmas lights and now my kind young neighbours have granted me a wish come true.

Rehab was fairly hard work this afternoon too, as I was lacking badly in energy.
Not only haven't I slept properly, I also haven't really eaten properly either since last Thursday and I now feel that I am expected to do four minutes... I know that doesn't sound a lot, but believe me if you are short of breath, it's a life time... on each exercise for the old lady's sake who sits near me. She is so proud of me and cheers me on, while some of the other older men just glare at me. I'm sure they think I'm showing off, but believe me, I'd love an excuse not to work my tush off today!
I sometimes stay on for the talks that follow even though I have heard them about five times each, but the physios like me to help by inputting and getting the others rehabers to join in. Sometimes it is hard work for them as no one says anything ad they are just met by a stony silence.
But tonight I knew I had to buy a birthday card for my niece and then take it round to my mothers for her to fill in ready for tomorrow. That is a task on it's own as she has lost all confidence when it comes to filling in cards and asks me over and over who is it for and how do you spell the name. Then off home to do my drugs before then go off to 'tubby club' to be officially weighed in.

I didn't think that I would be very successful tonight, but how wrong was I? I lost another 1.5lb which means just 1lb more and then I'm at target weight.
Ann reached her target today and was really chuffed, relieved and bouncy like a puppy dog!
It's not been that hard actually, as she has lost 1st 6lb in 17 weeks and cheats like you would not believe and hopefully next week, I would have lost 1st 9.5lb in 18 weeks. I am really chuffed with that, especially as you get sparkly stickers for each milestone. Being a useless pupil at school and in the end, only saw school as an extension of my social life, I really never got many gold stars. Perhaps if I had got stars in the early days, I would have tried harder, as I throw my heart and soul into learning now and actually enjoy it.
So perhaps tonight I will drift away into a contented sleep, as I've eaten and had a hot bath... so fingers crossed!

Lots of love Debbie x

Nerves are a little frayed around the edges already

I am so tired.
I suspect it is going to take me a while to get into the swing of this 'will they call, won't they call?' to the point where I can just go to bed and not actually worry about getting the donor call in the middle of the night.
My bed which was my place of refuge, is a bit unsettling now at bed time. Last night was the first time in a long while, where I wished that I still had a husband or a partner to cuddle up to and know that I wouldn't be alone when that phone rang.
I know that my youngest son would be here in a flash and my eldest, as quick as he physical could and I know my friend would come zooming around straight away, but that fear of being on my own while waiting for reinforcements is all a bit daunting. And the worst thing is...I could still be feeling like this in a years time!
I also had a dream last night, that I had got the call and I couldn't contact anyone and they had sent a fire engine instead of an ambulance. For a horrible moment, I couldn't work out whether I was dreaming or not. Still it would have been nice to wake up and find a man in uniform in my bedroom!

It's tubby club weigh in tomorrow and I don't think I've lost any weight this week, mainly as I haven't really eaten properly to start with and when I do it is followed by waves of nausea and uncomfortable panic attacks, where I come over hot and flustered.
What I'd give for just one night on the brandy. It's not as if I'd drink more than two anyway, but I'd just savour them and make them last.

I went to see Derek again today and I realised that my heart is actually stronger than his...how weird is that. He actually looks so well sitting there in his casual gear, while wired up to the hospital monitor and there's me opposite him looking far from rosy. Talk about a creaking door going on and on.
I did feel so sorry for him today, as it has hit home that all the things that he really enjoys, like skippering the tall ships and organising all the scenery for the village pantomime etc, will all have to take a back seat or totally change.
It's hardly likely that he will be up to constructing the scenery for this year's production now, although if his boys were able to take over, than at least he could still take part by advising them. But in my view, if it's someone else entirely, than he would be best to stand down and let them get on with it...too many cooks and all that.
As for the skippering, well once you've had a heart attack, Derek says that sadly you can't be in charge of a ship anymore. I don't actually know, but that does sound feasible. You can still sail, but not be in charge of others apparently.
He was very argumentative today even though he was still smiling at the time and when we were trying to help by suggesting things, he wasn't having any of it. He always had an argument ready for why he wouldn't be able to do this or that.
I know oh so well on how he feels. Like me, he likes to be in control and that is one hard mother to relinquish. He will experience, despair, anger, hope and utter bloody confusion in all sorts of random patterns.
At the moment he doesn't know what they have decided to do with him, as his angiogram isn't scheduled until Tuesday. It's the unknown which I think is the worst.
But whatever they decide, I know he will get through it and come out through the other side as strong as ever, it will just take time to sink in.

I'm off to bed now for hopefully a good night's sleep.

Lots of love Debbie x

Lessons had been learned

hellooooo...I'm still here, not gone to any hospitals.
I was too tired after my long planned day out to the 'Thursford Christmas Extravaganza' in Fakenham, Norfolk to update my blog last night.
In fact I was actually so worn out, that I didn't know whether to cry or what when I got home.
Lesson one that I have learnt and this one is for anyone waiting to go on the transplant list: Fridays are when the National register is updated and if you don't want your nerves jangling like charm bracelet on your first day of being 'active,' avoid Fridays like the plague for booking an outing.

Firstly I didn't sleep well at all on Thursday night. My mind was like a coiled spring and didn't not want to relax even after a couple cups of herbal tea. All I could think of, was that old saying, 'be careful of what you wish for.' Big late now to start hearing voices.
Secondly: You nearly always have to get up early on a big day out, so straight away you are at a disadvantage, especially if like me, who likes her sleep and then hasn't slept well.
Thirdly; well I have no idea, as all the problems started blending into each after that! Ridiculous really, as what are the chances of getting a donor on your first day, especially knowing my track record of things never quite going to plan?

We stopped off at Swaffham, which is about an hour and a half from mine for a spot of morning coffee and as we now had now been given our tickets, it was a chance to text my sons where exactly I would be...postcode, phone number, row and seat numbers etc.
We set off again for the last hour or so of our journey and my hospital mobile phone went off with an unknown number flashing up...oh shite!
It was a hospital, but not Papworth. It was the girls from respiratory team, asking if I fancied coming along for the new doctors to meet me as a trial patient and earn a bit of extra cash into the bargain. After checking whether I would be hurt in anyway and being assured no, then I agreed.
It was then that I realised that had been Papworth , I wouldn't have had a 'Scooby do' where I was, as I hadn't bothered to look at road signs as we were being driven along and it hadn't even crossed my mind that they might ring while I'm in transit. I had only thought that they might ring while I was in the theatre, not on the coach. I hadn't made a contingency plan for that!
Would I have had to got off the coach and wait by the road side for a passing ambulance or what?! Oh blimey, I really hadn't thought this bit through.
At that point I did start panicking a bit, well quite a lot and bombarded my friend Greta with lots of what ifs. Though I controlled myself and didn't run up and down the aisle of the coach shouting OMIGOD waving my arms about like a windmill...I did think about it though... and I thought at one point that Greta was going to have to slap me around the face as in the old black and white movies to calm me down!
Ooo definitely a case of the vapours!

Once I had got myself calmed down again and stopped my gibbering, we carried on to Fakenham and went on to watch the show, with only the odd facial twitch to show I was under stress.
It was very pretty show once again, but when your mind is elsewhere, you aren't really going to give it your best attention span and enter into the spirit of Christmas are you?
I just wanted to go home, lock myself away and come out when the whole ordeal was over. Alas that wasn't going to happen and I found myself turning into 'pushy old lady' mode when I went off to the loo. There I was nice and patient, waiting for the person to come out of the disabled loo, when an old lady came up and started muscling in towards the door.
Strange, as I found our eyes locking and battle had commenced. My normal hapless expression had been swapped for a steely eyed glare...needless to say, I won, but only because the previous occupant of the toilet blocked the old girls way on their way out...ha sucka!
Blimey if ever I live to see old bones, I'm going to be one ruthless old lady from what I'm learning now!

So a fairly easy day today. I'm not planning on going far and I'm definitely taking it easier today.
When reading the instruction pack from Papworth for the 100th time, I had to chuckle where it said that 'you may not feel in control of your life.'
Blimey, I stand no chance as my life has always run riot!

Lots of love Debbie x

Punch the air time!

OMIGOD! Omigod!
From midnight tonight, I will be on the active list!
I have to thank my middle sister Helen for this bit of news, as we were chatting on the telephone this morning and she asked me if there was any news yet about me going live. I explained that Thursdays were spent wishing and hoping and Fridays were always an anti climax that once again... zilch.
I also told her in another sentence, that I was going off to Norfolk tomorrow to watch the annual Christmas Spectacular, which was when she pointed out, that wasn't I suppose to tell them if I was an hour or more away from home?
Well yes, I know that, but I wasn't active yet.
'Ah yes' she said 'but if you go on the active list tomorrow and however unlikely, if something comes up the same day, they'll need to know double quick that you are away from home and if you are out of signal, they won't know where to find you on a land line.' Plus this might prompt some answers?
Gosh my big sister is smart.
So after a lot of nail chewing and deep breathing, because I didn't want to call them and be thought a nuisance...I rang them to explain my predicament.
Of course they were as lovely as ever and assured me that I wasn't being a pain and asked me to just hang on a sec. Then she came back with the words that I have been waiting to hear...
'I've just been told by the coordinator that at midnight tonight, you will be on the active list.'

Needless to say, I said my thank yous to her about a million times, hung up and then cried silent tears of relief.
I then went and looked at the pile of Christmas presents waiting to be wrapped in the corner of my bedroom and panicked...a lot...and then called my boys...who also went OMIGOD a lot too!

Still life goes on and I went on to pick up Julie to visit Derek in Broomfield hospital, her husband and my 'man who does', who for the foreseeable future...doesn't, but looks remarkable perky for someone who has had a heart attack.
I brought him an early birthday present... a pair of Super Hero pj bottoms... as he is my hero when he dashes round to mend whatever I have managed to break this time.
He is awaiting an angiogram, but they think that he has a bit of tubing that might be ridged with a bit of fat and might need a stent put in. But they will have to wait until after the angiogram at Baz Vegas hospital or Basildon to people from the surrounding areas and over 50, before they really know what's what.
But I am happy to report he was still nagging me and looked good.

Tonight was my course on Boudica's Revolt and we had to have a little test, which surprisingly I did well in with my hand going up and down in a 'Ooo I know, pick me, pick me' movement.
So I'm amazed that I remembered as much as I did, as there were a couple of dodgy moments in the last few weeks where I had nearly drifted off, as it was a tad boring at times.
I even got a few 'good answers', from him...but alas no stars.

So now, I'm going to try and pack away some presents ready...just in case!

Lots of love Debbie x

Get well Derek

Blimey I had to check whether today was Wednesday or Thursday when I woke up as my normal black Thursdays seems to have morphed into Wednesday.
Julie rang me just as I was rushing to the toilet first thing, so I decided to call her straight back after that, but the lure of my warm bed beckoned me back into for another ten minutes shut eye.
Julie then rang again before my eyelids had closed and I thought that was rather persistent even for her, but thought she had some exciting gossip to tell me.
She had something to tell me, but unfortunately it was more alarming than exciting...poor Derek had been rushed into hospital with a suspected heart attack at 1am!
Bless her she had been up at Broomfield all night and wanted to tell me before trying to have a nap of sorts before then cracking on to sort things out for him.
Thankfully he is ok and it wasn't confirmed until after the blood test results had come back late this afternoon that he had in fact had a mild heart attack, but they were quite concerned that his pulse rate is still so low. We will go and see him tomorrow for me to bounce on his bed and annoy him, but I did manage to speak to him on the phone today and thankfully he seemed very relaxed about it all. Although how relaxed he will be if they tell him to slow down, well that will be a different kettle of fish totally!
I think we are going to have to start up our own club...'Control Freaks Anonymous!'

After I had a chat with Julie, I went off to have my morning soak in the bath. I filled it up to my usual levels, jumped in and nearly jumped straight out again, as it wasn't the normal lovely hot bath water that usually has me lowering myself in bit by bit going 'Ooo O hot hot.'
I quickly washed my hair in the bath and tried to run a bit more hot in to top it up, but the water wasn't haven't any of it all at, as it spluttered and rumbled in the pipes.
It was at this point that I remembered that earlier this year, my boiler had cut out and I had the same result...no hot water and no heating all day. So once I had dried myself, checked that there wasn't any heating either, I padded out to the boiler in the kitchen and pressed the button. The button that the kind (I say this with tongue in cheek, as he was far from kind) gas repair man had previously coloured in for me, so I wouldn't call him out again on a fool's errand as he so eloquently told me last time.
As I stood there with just a towel wrapped around me, I did wonder that maybe before a spark leaps out and ignites my oxygen, whilst blowing up my bungalow and blowing my towel off, that maybe I should have put some clothes on first so I didn't scare the firemen!? Even though I was voted Miss Slinky at the Tubby Club two weeks ago, I don't really want to show off my body that way if I have a choice.
Luckily for me a nice kind man came today and he was there for ages taking bits off the boiler, phoning people, taking more bits off the boiler, then doing a bit more phoning, while all the time I'm adding layers of clothes...towel had been exchanged for warm jumpers you'll be pleased to hear.
There was a bit of frantic telephoning outside the bungalow on his mobile and even more frantic TV channel hopping from me when he walked back into the front room. I was watching last night's recorded episode of 'True Blood' and as he walked in there was a vampire and a mere mortal jumping up and down on a sofa naked together...groaning a lot!
Great...he now thinks I am a little old lady who watches porn!
Thankfully he was more worried about his frantic calling, which luckily for him, the voice on the other end told him to blow down some pipe and low and behold problem solved...a big old spider and a big old spider nest flew out!
Yuk yukkety yuk! How gross is that????
I now have heating, hot water and a very large dead spider in my dustbin.
Thank you young man.

Lots of love Debbie x

Not going up... or down either

When my friend Sam left our old work place at the Uni, I vowed that I wouldn't bother going back in there, but just see my friends who were still there out of work instead.
There was always a feeling of unease on the floor just before we started leaving, that you could no longer stand and have a quick catch up in case you got a black mark by the bosses, which was such a shame as old colleagues and ex students were always made welcome before.
This change is ironic really as we used to come under the pastoral banner, so call me old fashioned, but isn't caring about people that you had worked with for eleven years, kind of what is was all about?
Anyway, today I had to get a parcel to one of my friends there for tomorrow and I decided to bite the bullet and go into work and see her.
Big mistake, actually huge mistake!
Not because they quiet because they were worried about getting told off, as their whole department are leaving in one way or another soon, so they are all a bit indifferent about it all now, but because once again the lift wasn't working.
Every bloody time I go in there, which actually only amounts to about twice since my farewell do, the lift isn't working and believe it all not, the department on the second floor was aimed at disabled people.
Durr hello.
I walked up two floors with one of my friends pulling me up the last floor, because at that point I thought my head and lungs were going to blow up simultaneously. By the time I got my breath back enough to manage to walk through the door and speak, I was livid, I don't think I have ever said the word 'bleeding' as many times in one sentence as I did then!
I was furious. I wanted to say words a lot stronger, but I didn't want to damage the tender ears of any students who were up there.
One person said that she had checked to make sure there wasn't anyone coming in for an appointment using a wheelchair and they were supposed to fix the lift out of hours, but there are other walking disabilities that need help too and they are a drop in centre for all sorts of urgent needs and advice...tut tut... I feel a black mark against the building is in order.

As I said yesterday, there is always something that you have to battle against and of course today it was the lifts.
I'm sure my life was always a series of little challenges in the days pre-oxygen and I'm sure that I coped with them probably with as much shouting, though Ruth does think I have mellowed a considerable amount since she has known me and I actually do think she is correct, as what would normally have me frothing at the mouth, now seems to just get the word 'bleeding' or 'bally' as a show of my disapproval.
Writing this blog helps my stress levels a lot, as when I re read it, I think to myself 'I got upset about that, I am such an idiot?!'
I dare say it works a bit like the Mayan worry dolls that Reni and Oliver brought me back from Mexico. You tell them your worries every night and it helps you clear your mind so you get a better night's sleep. Mind you at the end of the first month, you could see the box quivering as I came near it and I'd find little worry dolls under the bed or behind the bedside cabinet, where they had jumped!
I do hope that you don't run out your room quivering when I have another rant?!
Sorry x I'm a nice person really, I promise.

Lots of love Debbie x

Blimey I must stop thinking

I am pleased to announce that I am officially a fully fledged Essex girl. Why? Because at the ripe old age of 55, I have brought my first ever velour tracksuit.
I wish to point out that I apologise to anyone that love to wear them normally, but they really aren't me, I'm more a fatigues or tapered trousers sort of girl. I have brought mine for medicinal reasons, as I thought it would be easy to wear in Papworth hospital post transplant.
I think I should have chosen a more uplifting colour rather than mink though, as I look washed out in it and that is me with a tan, let alone when I'm looking like death after the op.
I hasten to add that I will not be wearing trainers with it!
Actually I do have a pair of converse trainers, but they do happen to be covered in bright blue sparkly sequins. In truth I brought them for when I went on a cruise to Norway just in case I fell over board and my shoes would show up in the water, well that and the bright yellow mac that I also brought for the same reason.
Luckily for me, I didn't have the opportunity to try them out, but the girls never lost me on board the ship!

I'm doing lots of thinking at the moment and I know this sounds strange considering that I've just brought a tracksuit, but I realised properly for the first time, that I could be in trouble with my gas heating bill this winter.
Everyday you hear the horror stories on the news about Age Concern worrying about the old folk and young families worrying about paying their huge gas heating bills as the price of gas is escalating and as my back up money is already dwindling away, I've realised that I could be faced with a large bill and that's quite a sobering thought.
Now I've no longer got my working wage coming in, I'm having to manage on about three hundred pound less per month. I know I have some benefits coming in and my work pension, but everything seems to be going up weekly.
I have started sitting in my living room with a blanket wrapped around my legs and an extra jumper on. Yes I do have my heating on, but no longer constantly and not until I've got up. By this time of night, it is getting a wee bit chilly in here.
Also another wake up call was I know I have been dreaming of going on holiday to Turkey and another cruise after my transplant, but I'm now wondering is it really going to be a reality unless I can go back to work full time to pay from them? I'm not desolate by any means, but I want to pay for my funeral etc and that will take a big chunk of my savings.
Mind you I've already been told told that all benefits stop after the transplant, so I'm going to have to go back to work whatever happens!
Yesterday I was listening to a retired couple telling me about this holiday to Las Vegas and that holiday to the Caribbean on a cruise, plus all the others and I realised that if I had retired when I was supposed to, then yes I could have been that woman, but now I'm starting to wake up to the reality of my situation.
Goodness me, reality sucks!

So from now on, blanket and gloves to be worn at all times in the bungalow and no more illicit spending. Anyone that hasn't got a pressie for Christmas, will get an I.O.U!
Luckily I do have some pre paid treats coming up, so thank heavens for forward planning by me.
But not all bad news...I have now lost exactly one and a half stone. Two and a half pounds from my goal weight set by Papworth...Yay!

Lots of love Debbie x

A problem shared is still a problem

Ever since I accidentally flicked the pin off my dressing table a few days back, the one that I used to hold my poppy on with for Remembrance Sunday, it's been like playing Russian Roulette every time I take a pair of my whites out of my knicker drawer.
No offence to my Russian readers.
Even though I check them before putting them on, I just know the day is going to come when I get stabbed in my nether regions when I least expect it.
I suppose the sensible thing, would be to take them all out and go through every single one, but since when have I been sensible I ask?
There always seems to be a hundred and one other more pressing things to do than sorting out my knicker drawer.

I did have a lovely long lie in today though as I forgot to set my alarm clock. I have no idea why I still have this routine of setting my alarm every night, as to be honest if I'm not going anywhere early, then why worry?
Last night the Labour club quiz was quite good fun, although it did actually bring to my attention just how thick we actually are I'm ashamed to say, as we came second from the bottom. Still it was good fun and as I didn't have to do anything other than just sit and pretend that I was thinking about the answers, it wasn't any strain on me. Well actually, I did get quite a few right. Plus it wasn't a late night, so I snuggled down to sleep quite happily. It was foggy and very cold outside, which made snuggling down under the duvet even nicer.

I did decide last night to go to the Bowls club monthly lunch without mother today, which I did feel really guilty about, but it was so much easier to relax with just my friends.
Plus after having to do a 'dash' (ok a worried walk) over there again this morning to put her 'deep heat' ointment on her back, because after I spoke to her on the phone and she said she couldn't do it on her own and then having her crying because she felt in pain when she walked, made me realise that I had made the right decision.
Please don't think I am hard hearted as I am far from it, but when she realised that I was going out without her today, she did actually start walking around the bungalow fine and when I got back after lunch to play scrabble with her and cook her a meal, she had already put the ointment on her back and was really quite chirpy sitting there munching through her 'Turkish delight' chocolate.
I know that at times I do too much for her and at nearly 94 she is quite wiley at getting what she wants and I know she that she really wants to move in with her, but that isn't going to happen...sorry mother.

I did have a bit of a problem while at the Bowls club lunch myself, which did have me wondering if this was karma for going without her and that was my liquid oxygen unit was playing up again.
It keeps having what I think is a series of air blocks where no air comes through and then it makes rapid pulse noises before the oxygen builds up before working again, but only after you've squeezed the nose piece together with your fingers.
Unfortunately when you are in a noisy room like today, you just have to hope that it is working properly by giving you a constant flow of oxygen, which unfortunately for me it clearly wasn't.
I can tell when it's run out of oxygen or not working properly, because you simply start struggling to breathe more than normal as your nostrils are blocked up by plastic, which is what happened to me lunchtime!
This unit was only given to me last week as my other was leaking from the bottom. I hate calling up the oxygen call centre as I sure they must think that I am this hopeless complaining old woman that has broken another one, but I can't have a piece of equipment that I can't trust when using it. After all I struggle with my confidence as it is about going out to places.

Every day seems to have some sort of challenge or another just lately, whether it be cars, arguing siblings, chest infections, faulty equipment or what, but there is always something. I'm being to think when I am out for the count for those three days after the transplant, it will be a much needed respite from always having to sort out some bloody problem or other.
I would rather be laying on Oludeniz beach though with a pair of fit and healthy lungs...dream on Burders!

Lots of love Debbie x

Any old iron?

Thankfully I had a better day yesterday after my dose of the weekly Thursday blues. I even had a spring in my step which turned out handy when it came to doing my rehab class.
That is one of those things that you dread having to do...exercise...but after you have done it, you feel like a million dollars. Ok probably not quite a million dollars, more like £2.50 in my case!

The good news was that I got my results back from the lab regarding my smear..and were negative incidentally...but the timing was very impressive as I only had it done last week and the results came by post which can take ages even with a first class stamp on. Just shows that there is such a thing as a rush job when needed.
I had the letter faxed off to Papworth as my doctors hadn't received the results, which I'll give them the benefit of the doubt it could be true, but as they put the results of my 2008 test in the wrong column, nothing would surprise and I didn't want to take any more chances.
After talking to Papworth, it didn't look like I was going active yesterday, as they still have to be quadrupled checked yet again by the doctors. I reckon this is going to be like waiting for a bus, you'll wait for one matching donor and six will come along all at once!


Today has been just a steady day.
My friend who loves cleaning and being helpful came round and washed the bungalow down from top to bottom, scrubbing all the bits that need a bit of elbow grease and that I can longer do as I haven't the energy. Plus she can use bleaches etc, which again I can't do as when leaning over them using them and breathing in the fumes, they make my breathing ten times worse.
It looks all lovely and shiny like a new pin when she is finished, windows inside and out sparkly, woodwork, worktops and kitchen sink gleaming, you get the picture.
I'm not a tramp believe you me, as I keep my bungalow clean and tidy, but the spring cleaning jobs that you do once a month are sadly beyond me now.

So I went over to my mother's while all this was going on and supervised her shed clearing exercise. My son couldn't do it in the end, so my friends stepped in and ferried the junk down to the community skip that comes once a month.
My mother now has the hump as she thinks that I have thrown away valuables rather than a broken lawn mower which my brother blew up, a knackered hoover which I gave her my good one when hers blew up and I then had to buy a little one that gets filled up in minutes, because she refused to buy another! And a variety of junk, including old washing up bowls, the mouse chewed seat off of her deck sun lounger, mouse chewed seats off of I've no idea what and odd nameless things that looked far from being treasures!
And I upset a lot of spiders on route, as they had their homes ruined and made homeless in this exercise and I really can't cope with spiders, especially angry ones!

I need a very long lie down now.

Lots of love Debbie x

I hate Thursdays

Thursdays are beginning to turn into my weekly adversary, as once again I have woken up feeling none too good.
I don't expect to wake up like a ray of sunshine or bouncing around like Tigger, but I wouldn't mind waking up with no aches, pains, baggy eyes or the feeling that something has died in your mouth when you were sleeping.

Last night I did have a neck ache most of the evening, which as the night went on it turned into a headache and by bedtime had settled right across my left eye.
I can't help but wonder, knowing my luck, whether this was induced by the lad driving into the back of my car over three weeks ago and I have now lost my chance for claiming, because I couldn't work out what was my normal aches and pains to a new one. Plus I felt morally wrong jumping at the chance to make some money on a claim.
Karma always finds you out.
As far as I know, you can not induce a headache by over indulging yourself on fresh pineapple as I did last night ...can you?
But today, I just wouldn't say it was one of my better days.
If I could have slept on instead of getting up earlyish, then who knows, maybe I might have shifted this feeling like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. But I had the chiropodist coming to try and blast my verrucas away and I had already put her off once, plus the courtesy car was going to be picked up, so I didn't think I could sleep the morning away however much a inviting prospect that sounded.

The chiropodist is still battling with my verrucas and I really don't think that they will disappear until after the transplant. I know I read or heard it somewhere, that it's an immune system problem. And as we know, my immune system is very questionable.
The chap came to pick up the courtesy car and I'm not sure what is wrong with them, but they don't like waiting for you? I was on the phone and it was an important call where someone had lost something very important, not a 'Oo let's meet for coffee' call. So even though the company have been lovely, I did glare at him and mouthed to him that he would have to wait.
Not a happy bunny at that at all!
I hang up and asked if we could go over the car with the paperwork as it was covered in dents and scratches when it arrived and I didn't want to get the blame when it got back to the owners, but nope, he was in a hurry.
My third visitor was my friend whom I discuss theological theories with, which I really enjoy. Today however I could see her mouth working, but my brain wasn't computing all the words and although some of it I wanted to object and discuss further, I just couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to do so. Plus I know I would have talked garbage if I had tried, so she left me to sleep.

Why is it when you are not feeling well that you become the biggest klutz going? I managed to break an expensive clay oven dish, which I use to cook all my food on, as it cuts down on cooking time. I had somehow lodged it on the grill element itself and it cracked straight down the middle. In fact it took me ages to find where the second half was.
Then when I went to put all my aired whites away in my knicker drawer and realised that I had caught a dress pin from my poppy with one pair of my knickers as one of the pins had disappeared. Annoyingly I've been meaning the pins away since Sunday and now it's fell in with my knickers or if not, onto the bedroom carpet.
Great I should be expecting a little prick any day now either in my nether regions or in my foot. I can hardly wait!
Not to mention how many times that I caught my foot in the oxygen tubing.
Arrrrggghhhh!
Never mind tomorrow is another day as I say every bally day.

Lots of love Debbie x

Pineapple anyone?

Do I never learn I ask? What has happened this time I hear you ask?
I have just eaten a whole pineapple. Only a small one granted and after I had prepared it, there was enough for a large dessert bowl, but I still shouldn't have eaten the lot in one sitting. But I do love fresh pineapple.

The last time I did a stupid move like that, was the meal before I gave birth to Oliver. Even though I tried to convince the midwife at the hospital not to give me an enema (for modern mothers who no longer have this, it's where they shove about a gallon of soapy water up your bum!), but she still insisted and the result was chaos.
I was squeezing my bottoms cheeks so hard to get to the toilet and even though I thought I had finished and got into the much needed shower, I started again and pebble dashed the shower with poo!
Not my greatest moment I grant you. In between pushing Oliver out, I was apologising about the shower to the midwife and anyone that would listen to my apologises of woe.

Tonight started with my tongue, that felt like it had been dipped in sherbet for hours and then the rumbling griping tummy started...and of course this time my friend in Saudi called just as I was about to make my way in a leisurely fashion to the toilet.
It ended in a mad rush with me interrupting him by shouting 'I need the loo, now!'...and the mad rush was not helped when oxygen leads are trying to trip you up by getting caught round your ankles or just getting stuck under the bathroom door for the pure hell of it.
I made it...just.

The good news of the day is...my car is back...hoorah!
And no, I didn't cover the driver in masses of kisses, as the driver turned out to be a very stern and 'no messing with me' looking lady. I could have sworn it was a man's voice on the phone when she advised me that she was on her way.
The car looks beautiful, so shiny and sleek looking. Nice new wheels on the back and no scratches at all on one side or on the back of the car. She looked at me as if I was crazy when I shouted 'Oh welcome home baby, mumma's missed you!'
After I had done my quota on the oxygen concentrator, I took my baby for a spin to the shops, but horror of horrors, the key wouldn't come out when I parked it. I tried for ages and the woman waiting at the bus stop opposite, was looking at me very suspiciously and if she hadn't of seen me pull up in it, she must had thought that I was trying to steal it.
I decided to drive off home as I was convinced that the garage must have done something to the ignition and I would phone them from home. When I got home however, I realised my error which was, in the courtesy car you put the gear stick in the middle of the gear box which is neutral ,which was what I was trying to do in this one forgetting that I had a parking gear on my car which is at the top and the key won't come out unless in park..durrr!
Only three weeks and I've forgotten how to drive my car....

Lots of love Debbie x

Derek Gandi

Well like the saddo that I truly am, I sat wearing my 'Slimming World, Miss Slinky' sash while taking my drugs, eating my breakfast and I even wore it to do my housework in.
It was a tremendous boost to the flagging ego. I still can't believe that I actually won the title last night, but I am very grateful that I did as it was a fab feeling.
It makes a change for me to even attempt to look slightly glamorous first thing in the morning, as I usually sit cross legged on my bed in my pjs and a hoodie on, black rings under my puffy eyes, while fixing my drugs and looking like the local dealer as I sit surrounded by pills and syringes! In the middle of winter it's worse, as I sit there with my hood up too...nice.

Had another call from the insurance company who are dealing with the results of the car accident, to inform me that my lovely car will definitely be returned safely to me tomorrow. The body work is apparently fab (my words) and the new back axle has been fitted and the car has passed it's road test this time.
I am really grateful that the insurance company sorted out a hire car straight away for me free of charge, but one that big should either have a dead body laid out in the back or a taxi sign above it for taking huge families and a months worth of luggage to the airports, not little old me!
I feel sorry for the unsuspecting driver who comes to deliver my car, as he will be covered in kisses as he hands back my keys!
I drove it to hospital again for my physio, but this week to St Mikes, which has a much bigger and more organised car park thankfully.
It was quite nice, as I had one of the young physio students that I met earlier this year when giving my yearly talk at Essex University, who gave me my weekly pummelling. He was a really nice lad and I seemed to remember saying to the course leaders that he would do well.

Tonight was Julie's chocolate party, which was fun and I didn't abstain, but had a couple of dips in the chocolate fondue. Mmmm very yummy.
I sat chatting to Derek (Julie's husband) after everyone had left the party about what was happening re the transplant or should I say what wasn't happening, as all quiet again on the transplant front and I told him about Sunday's upset too.
He is a very wise man, which is why he got to be commandant in the special police force I guess, as he sees everything from every angle and just talking to him, calms me down. I had written a letter today for my sibling, and although I won't send it now, just the effects of writing it has helped to release a lot of the stress.
Stress that I do not need.
I will give the letter to Derek, who will amend it just in case things aren't resolved within a couple of weeks and then I will send the revised letter.
I did ask if I knocked on the door of my sibling and hid behind the hedge, could he do the talking on my behalf, but the answer was of course...no. A girl can try hey?!

Well off to bed.

Lots of love Debbie x

Yay... hello Miss Slinky!

A lot better day thankfully for me today. To be honest I couldn't have faced any more like yesterday before I totally lost my faith in the human race. Luckily for me I have so many lovely friends and some terrific family members that are always there for me come what may, that I still believe very much in human kindness eve though it was a bit of a major wobble yesterday.
Although I bet their ears are burning today, I have calmed down as the day has gone on, so I'll dust myself down and move on.

So today, what is new?
I'm beginning to feel stronger in health again thankfully, as I've nearly finished my course of antibiotics and whether it was another infection or not, I think that they have helped kick whatever it was.
I'm still using more oxygen than I'd like to be using throughout the day which is annoying as it gives your nose gyp, but that's a small price to pay to be able to move about and breathe at the same time.
My eight hours window of being off oxygen is getting shorter as time goes on, but Ruth said I'd have highs and lows.
I went back to rehab this afternoon to start another 7week course and managed to get up to four minutes again on some of the exercises. I have to confess that I was a bit choosy about which ones I picked not to attempt the four minutes on and sat down after 3mins...the 'sit to stand' exercise being one of them...I hate that one, it's pure torture!
I let Ruth take my Papworth instruction sheet home with her to have a read through, as we agreed that it would help her to help us.
So rehab was helping me get on track yet again. When the weather starts seriously marching into winter like it is now, with typical November fog and damp, it is hard to get motivated to even go to the classes. But you have to bite the bullet and do it.

It was to be a taster night at our 'Slimming World' club tonight or Tubby club as us girls fondly call it. It was also something called the 'Miss Slinky' competition night, so we were to bring in slimming party type food that we had made. And there was some lovely choices there.
My first party food attempt was making a batch of coffee meringues yesterday, which did taste gorgeous when first ready, although a bit chewy. Today however when I 'tried' to give one to my sister and brother-in-law one with their coffee, I couldn't even get it out the cake box as it was like well chewed bubble gum and my brother-in-law Ed who eats everything and anything, even he baulked at it. They went straight in the recycling bin, though he did say he had some holes in their outside walls that he could fill with them!

My take two attempt was some spicy new potatoes. All going fine, until I got chatting on the phone before remembering them. Result? 2lb of charcoal potatoes also straight into the recycling bin, although Ann did try one which was only 85% cremated. Bless her, she smiled at me with black bits in her teeth and said that they would have tasted nice!

Take three was made in my remaining fifteen minutes before club started and the result was a fruit punch at two syns a glass and thankfully was a great success.
And guess who was voted 'Miss Slinky?'... Me! A fab boost after a very trying week. I have now lost 1st 6.5lbs and I only have another 3lb to loose before I reach the goal weight of 10st 2lb that Papworth want me at to help me survive the operation.
But me 'Miss Slinky', I am so chuffed and I got 'Slimmer of the week' as well...bonus!

Lots of love Debbie x

Had better days

With so much sadness in the world, I'm always amazed that people want to add a bit more by being mean.
The day started off with a bit of an upset, as while I was sitting peacefully on my bed administrating my drugs, Oliver called to say that my mother had fell again and he'd meet me over at her bungalow.
It's always a horrible moment as you want to run straight over there, but I know that I have to get my oxygen sorted etc, as I would be no use to anyone otherwise.
Luckily she had just slipped off her bed again when she went to climb back in it and the actual bed moved because of the castors on the legs. But although she couldn't get up again, she wasn't hurt and was able to press the care call button, who called Oliver and him me.
Even though mother was alright this time, it does give you a horrible feeling of doom as you walk to her front door as to what you are going to find when you open the door.
After we were satisfied that mother was going to be fine and to make sure she had eaten her breakfast and drank her cup of tea, I got myself ready to go to church parade for Remembrance Sunday. Before leaving I made a quick call to one of my siblings about making her bed less mobile by taking off the castors.

Once again because of the sheer number of people wanting to attend, it was held in the village hall and it was still full up with standing room only at the back of the hall.
Two rows in front of me, I noticed a friend's son home on leave from Afghanistan. He looked so smart standing so upright and so grown up if not a little drawn, but as the British Legion mini film rolled on the big screen, I noticed the tears rolling down his face. I think it was at that moment that you realised that there for the grace of God, his face and name wasn't on the remembrance call this time and I said a little prayer that it never would be.
There wasn't many dry eyes in that big old village hall today and I think that only a soulless person could have been unaffected today. I personally found myself putting all that I had in my purse into the collection for the British Legion, who will be helping to fund prosthetic limbs and rehabilitating hospitals for the wounded soldiers, after all I haven't done anything heroic and hopefully I will be getting NHS money spent on me to have new heart and lungs, so I wished I could have given more.

After checking on mother and taking her some treats to cheer her up, I went home and answered my telephone which was ringing as I went in through the front door and got well and truly blasted.
One of my siblings didn't like that I had questioned another sibling on how safe our mother's bed was after the first sibling had taken three out of eight legs off her bed to stop it moving around.
Because I had told the second sibling that I'd better try and get another friend around with a power drill thingie to take the other legs off so it was even... and the second sibling had kindly reported it straight back to the first sibling...so I was yelled at and had the phone slammed down on me...twice.
Ok, slightly over reacting me thinks and thank you sibling two for what seems, a slight bit of stirring. I did call the first one straight back and tried to reason with them and that I was grateful that they has came over, but I was a bit worried that the bed wasn't level.
I was told that from now on I could look after her. I wanted to say, 'well isn't that what I've been doing on a daily basis for years?' but I thought better of it as it might inflame things even more.
But some nasty things were shouted at me before the phone was slammed down for a second time on me.
I am related to a family of divas and this diva is going to sit and have a damn good cry, so please excuse me.

Lots of Love Debbie x

As Roland sings...Life is a roller coaster baby

A bit of a late one last night as I was watching the Big Brother Final on recorded TV as I had my friends around last night. Yes I know I am sad watching Big Brother, as quite a few of my friends have pointed this out to me over the years, but I love watching people and how they try to work each other.
As it was Ann's birthday, I said I'd cook a 'slimming world' steak pie for her as a treat. Not as fattening as it sounds as it was a filo pastry lid rather than made with the traditional short crust or puff pastry, but very rich and very tasty. Lynn brought over a weight watchers pudding, so all in all apart from her little carrot cake cupcake with a candle, I don't think she went off our diet too badly.

The rest of the day went off better than I thought really, as when I called Papworth to find out whether I had got the 2008 smear test results, they had but the lady couldn't tell me whether or not that the doctors would use those results or whether I would have to wait for the new tests to go through to them.
To say my heart sank was an under statement.
I can now see why they offer counselling, as all this does rather mess with your head somewhat. A while ago, I often used to have a dream where I was trying to get somewhere important and all the time people were stopping me to do a chore for them and before I could go very far I'd get stopped by someone else to do another task. Sometimes I couldn't open my eyes properly either, which was even more frustrating.
I haven't had this dream for a while now which is suprising, as this is what my life has felt like since the word transplant was mentioned. One last task after another one last task, so prehaps it was preparing me for this emotional roller coaster?
I know it sounds like I am whittering on and feeling sorry for myself, but quite frankly I just feel a little bit lost at the moment. I am so lucky that I have good friends and family that keep me as busy as I can be and believe me, I know life could be a whole lot worse, but I just want to shout at the moment, but I don't know who at or why.
Answers anyone?
Still my life could be even more confusing as I could be Aaron off of Big Brother, who got booed when he came out out the house after winning the show. Now that is confusing as they must have been voting for him to win right up to the last minute. I guess he will be having confusing nightmares for a long while too!

Lots of love Debbie x

Victory

Move over Sherlock as there is a new detective in town.
I know I am like a dog with a bone when I know I'm right about something, but in this case me being an old dog has paid off and my reputation of being totally anal when keeping hospital and doctors appointments, is back on track.
I knew that my surgery was wrong and the very nice nurse who did my smear test for me today, solved the mystery for me there and then.
Yes I was right...well nearly, as my last smear was not 2007, but in fact the 1st May 2008 and not 2005 as my surgery told Papworth...Grrrrr...so I'm two years too early for this smear, but it's done...again.
The nurse found it in the second column that she clicked on, and said that someone hadn't placed the data in the main results column.
Good news though, as it was negative, but it still means that the surgery has actually held up my going active for the last couple of weeks for nothing and if it wasn't for the fact that I wasn't prepared to take their information as gospel, I could have been waiting a lot longer and that is so damn annoying.

I still don't feel a 100% percent today, but at least that's one worry off my shoulders. I think Papworth are still unimpressed with the fact that my surgery closes on a Wednesday, let alone this little error.
I have now got nearly two days worth of antibiotics inside me now, so lets hope whatever it is will soon start shifting. It could just be another cold as people in shops and other public places have been coughing and spluttering for ages. I do wish that this headache would pass though, as it feels like someone is squeezing my left eyebrow very tightly!

The update on my car is it should be back tomorrow now, as although the body work was finished, it failed the road test... something to do with the back axle. Gosh the laddo who caused the accident must have really smacked my poor car when he hit it.
I had to fill the hire car up today with diesel and luckily I had only used half a tank, as that half tank cost me just over £50. Blimey, I glad I'm not driving that forever.

I've decided against going to my course tonight, as I think another early night is in order tonight to try and get rid of whatever is lurking below the surface of my poor little lungs!

Lots of love Debbie x

Not a red letter day

I woke up today with what seemed like the hangover from hell, which was surprising as I haven't drunk anything stronger than a fizzy ginger beer in ages.
Everything hurt and my head was really fuzzy, so either I have got an infection brewing again, which I have thought for a while. Or I had got myself so upset about the lost smear test and it's added complications which has now set me back going active for my transplant and it has given me a real knock back.
I think it's both.

Today I had to wait in for the oxygen engineer to come and sort out my portable oxygen unit and hopefully for my car to be returned. Unfortunately no sign of my car which means that I'll have to drive the hearse for a bit longer.
In fact I've got to fill the car up with diesel soon as it has to go back with a full tank and I'm really dreading taking it in to the garage in case I get it wrong for some reason or can't get the diesel cap off. I'm so annoyed that this little car crash seems to have robbed me of all my confidence behind the wheel of a car. Well it's not so much driving it, more the reverse parking it and the fact that I still feel car sick in it when driving it any distance.
I will treasure my little 'Note' when it comes back home. I promise that I'll keep it polished and tidy forever.

The oxygen man came in the end about 3pm and started talking about cryogenics, which alas went straight over my head. I found myself just staring at him as he was talking about my unit. I'm sure his words made my hair move with the breeze as the words shot straight over my head!
As far as I know, it leaks, it freezes my left kidney when I wear it on my back and it drips water everywhere.
All I want is one that works please.

So oxygen sorted, well apart from there wasn't enough to get me to Maldon and you can't refill it straight away, so I had to set off to St Pete's for a pummelling with the old fashioned oxygen cylinder which are so heavy to carry.
Having this mock hangover while feeling car sick did not add up for a peaceful drive and the car park proved to be a challenge once again for me. It is a bit of a free for all in the parking stakes there and I was 3point turning for about ten full minutes again, much to the amusement of yet another male driver in the car park, but luckily he was more of a gentleman.
I am going to have a sign printed up saying 'This is not my car!'

In between my pummelling, we chatted about whether I have an infection or not and I told my physio that it was typical, that on Tuesday I couldn't produce any sputum till after the hospital sample collection had gone and today I've been producing non stop, but I had to stay in waiting, so I still couldn't get to the hospital in time for the sample collection.
I have done one now and will hand it in at my surgery tomorrow when having my smear test done. But even though I didn't want to, I have started my emergency antibiotics, as I do not feel right at all and I feel very under the weather. I've fell asleep four times today and I still have a raging headache and aching body. I never do feel right on a daily basis, but I feel yuckier than my so called normal for me.
Not feeling a well bunny.
So early to bed me thinks.

Lots of love Debbie x

Call in Sherlock Holmes please

I heard from Papworth today...Yay! I need to do another test...Boo! But I will lay back and smile widely while thinking of England or in my case...Papworth, as yep you guessed it, this test is another smear.
Apparently my last smear was done in 2005, which means I've been on oxygen longer than I thought if my surgery is correct?
Now I've been working it out.
I know that I have only lived here in my bungalow for the past two and a half years now, this being my third Christmas. Plus I had only lived in my cottage at Braintree for two and half years, that making five years. I know for sure that I had just been put on oxygen when living at Braintree when I had my last smear, as they had to put me on oxygen kicking and screaming, as I was so against going on it.
My poor physios certainly earned their wages then, as I was throwing my toys out the pram in a tantrum left right and centre!
I was so convinced that I was correct and I was so annoyed that my surgery had told Papworth that I had never replied to the letter of invitation to have a smear, that I went through my own personal file of doctors letters and guess what? I found a letter from my specialist to my surgery, stating that I would benefit from long term oxygen therapy at home...dated 13 Dec 2006, meaning that I started my oxygen in 2007.
2007 from 2011 is 4 years even with my crap maths.
Ok so what has gone wrong here then? Surgery sent the wrong dates or put wrong dates on my file?
I understand Papworth wanting to get everything exactly right, which I am jolly pleased about as after all it's my life in their hands, but it looks like my surgery hasn't quite got it right and that's scary. At first I was annoyed that this blunder will hold me up going active, but now I'm just worried that they had got it wrong in the first place, so what has happened to those results of 2007?
Although I'm still furious that they said that I hadn't replied to my smear invite and this will be made known when I go on Thursday morning, because when it comes to my health I am diligent to the extreme....Grrrrrr... I won't be grouchy or rude as that isn't my style, after all everybody makes mistakes, but why say that it was my fault for ignoring the letter (which I sincerely doubt there was one) and not going for another smear?
As Jean has always said, I never forget if I have been wronged.
I will wait till after the smear has been taken, as I don't want the nurse taking at a run at my vagina with the implements and I will wait till after she has put urgent on the sample request form and then I will ask why the dates given to Papworth were different to what I know, as after all I was there, legs a kimbo, smiling widely!
Blimey I can't wait till Thursday now.

Lots of love Debbie x

SOS in a multi storey

If stress is a non starter for breathing problems, then I am lucky I didn't suck in a whole back pack's worth of oxygen in one go from where I was hyperventilating this morning!
And why was I a quivering wreck? I'll tell you why... I was trying to park that damn hearse in the multi storey car park that's why. I attempted a 3 point turn, but it turned into a 375 point turn, and I was mortified, as I never have problems reversing in my own car.
The sweat was pouring off of me where I was panicking so much.
The reversing bleepers on the car went into over drive where I shunting backwards and fore wards so many times, to where I was arguing with the bleepers, telling them that I had more room and begging them to sssh so I could concentrate.
Did they sssh? No way, they started bleeping at me like an invasion of toy space men and then suddenly they just flat lined on me... Ooo now that was worrying...I had killed the car.

All the while of me going backwards and fore wards, there was a bloke sitting there in his car watching me and yep, three years of learning British Sign Language helped me lip read what he was saying... very clearly!
To his question of 'why buy a ******* big car if I can't ******* drive it?' It's not mine, but some joker on the courtesy car desk sent it to me.
And to his fact that I was a woman ******* driver and blonde ****. Yes true I am a woman, but my blonde comes out a bottle and I'm neither stupid or part of a woman's anatomy, but you sir are a complete knob head!
If ever I wanted to get out and leave a car where it stood, it was then. I even contemplated calling my brother-in-law and ask him to drive over and move it for me.
I would have loved to go over to this chaps car and point out the error of his ways, but he drove off too quickly and when I had eventually parked it and collapsed in a heap... it was in another car parking space completely!
Ooo and why was I on this journey of self humiliation? To buy a 'Last Will and Testament' of course. Gawd I nearly died before I'd even filled the damn thing in!

Yes, I can confirm that stress does affect your breathing.

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm sitting in the naughty corner...again

Nice one Debbie, who got so wrapped up in having fun yesterday and forgot all about her washing on the line? I did. And who left her towels out all last night, which of course was Guy Fawkes night or known as bonfire night? Me again.
They now have a slight smell of gun powder. Probably a perfect match for my days when I'm a little fire cracker or about to go off like a rocket like today!
A little bit of a grrrr day today, as I took mother to Frankie and Benny's and it was far from a relaxing lunch.

It is noisy in there at the best of times admittedly, but mother was in a foul temper before we even set off for lunch.
I had accidentally left my door keys still in the back door of my bungalow, so I used my spare one that I keep at hers to let myself back in while I left her in the car. I knew Oliver was visiting his father in the village so I wanted to check that they were actually there before he set off for his home, so if needed he could come round with his set and let me find them.

This was my first mistake leaving her unattended in the car, as I got the third degree when I got back in it just 10mins later. What was I doing for so long?
Second mistake was taking her to a busy restaurant.
Third was it was noisy, fourth the meal took too long and fifth was why did I look so glum?
Oo I don't know mother, lets take a stab in the dark shall we, maybe because of items 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5?
My mother is very canny, as she'll complain whilst using the third person. She'll make someone up who isn't actually there let alone sitting behind me, but knows I won't turn around to look at them. But she will say that THEY look fed up because item 2, 3, 4 and 5!
Instead of just cutting our losses and going home, she'll order coffee, even though she doesn't drink coffee and a pudding and then of course, she'll leave them saying that they're horrible, when they aren't, just that she can't eat anymore food.
So now my diet has flown out the window as I've just sat and ate her pudding because I couldn't face the waitress asking if there was a problem...grrrrr. But of course she'll leave them a tip and smile sweetly, saying it was a lovely lunch... err hello?
We went there as I have to take her somewhere where I don't have to walk too far or help her up steps, because I just can't do it anymore. The nurse at Papworth asked me how I cope with my mother when I need help myself and actually...I don't really know, I just do.

I'm now sitting here feeling guilty for looking glum in the restaurant.
I even went and hid in the cinema, but really enjoy the film that much because I had a headache brought on by guilt.
Next week, I'm going back to Maldon with a picnic whether it's six foot of snow or what!

Lots of love Debbie x

Action girl complete with trolley

After yesterday's disappointment, I did what any Essex girl would do when the going gets tough... and that's the tough go shopping so I started my Christmas shopping.
In fact I had an action packed day, well as much action as a girl can muster when using a 'go faster trolley' at the church Christmas bazaar and then followed up with a game of scrabble with my mother, although she did want to play for money!

My Saturday started by visiting a rather nice 'vintage' gift shop out in my old stomping ground, in the backwaters of Hatfield Peverel. I managed to purchase some unusual Christmas presents for various friends and then a spot of lunch in their quaint little cafe with the girls.
I then took them to see my old farm house where I was brought up from a baby to starting senior school. Although that was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and I was excited to show it to them, it was a bit sad thinking that the little skinny feral child, i.e... me...would have ever ended up as a raspberry ripple on oxygen. But I could never say that my life growing up was ever boring, as I was such an annoying child!
I was telling Julie and Natalie, how I was convinced that everyone in the neighbouring farms loved me when growing up and would regularly wander into their kitchens for a cup of tea when they least expected it!
I also used to plague our posh neighbour's farm manager by following him around non stop to teach me how to chew his tobacco and spit...a necessary for any young lady!

The afternoon was spent at the church Christmas bazaar in the village hall, eating scrummy homemade ginger cake and drinking coffee in the small hall where we used to hold our W.I meetings (second trip down memory lane for the day!)
There wasn't many bargains left to buy, which my fault as I thought it would be best to leave it half an hour after opening before trying to battle my way through the throng of happy shoppers with my 'go faster.' People tend to take it personally when you catch their ankles with the trolley wheels!
A lot of the crowds had gone by the time we arrived, but so had much of the produce as well. Still I brought some raffle tickets which won me two prizes, so all was not lost.
I love village community events, even if the homemade jam tastes of vinegar and the homemade pickled onions have gone soft, it still gives you a warm glow going home with your bargains.

The last event of my action packed day, was going to see the film 'Tower Heist' at the local cinema. If you fancy a good belly laugh, then I recommend that one, I thought it was hysterical. A excellent plot and a fab cast to tickle your fancy.
So although I didn't get the result I was hoping for yesterday, life goes on as business as usual and ok I am one shattered bunny as walking was tough going at times, but I did it with a smile on my face...well most of the time anyway!
Can I also add that I now have had over 6,000 people read my blog which is all very exciting. If you can please say hello to me as that would be fab too. It is amazing knowing that folks in U.S.A, India, Russia and many more wonderful places find my blog...which is my way of staying sane...interesting reading. So thank you for reading it xxx.

Lots of love Debbie x

Is there anyone out there?

Not a sausage, diddly squat, zilch or bugger all...I have heard nothing...yet again. Another Friday has passed me by without so much of a hello from the hospital.
Blimey O'Reilly, if the waiting to hear that you are now active is this nerve racking, how will my nerves stand up when I am active and waiting for a donor?
It keeps flashing up in my head, that the head consultant was going to make me wait until Dec and then be reassessed, so maybe he has changed his mind and I've got to wait a bit longer?
But surely they would have called me and told me if there had been a change of plans?
The trouble with me, is that I hang on to every word people say to me and if they so much as pause when saying something, then I analyze it within an inch of it's life.

Still I didn't sit by the phone all day waiting, but I went off to a wedding.
Although leaving my mobile phone in the car did actually put me through torture in case they called and couldn't get me, but I did tell the boys exactly where I was and how long I'd be off the air, so they would have told the coordinator. The fact that the bride was half an hour late arriving, did have me biting my fingernails wondering if my phone was ringing inside my car and would it be a faux pas to rush pass her in the aisle to check.
The wedding was very nice and my friend who was the mother of the bride, looked absolutely stunning in her silver grey.
It was very nice to meet all her sisters, who all look just like her and all very charming people. I should imagine that family gatherings are riotous affairs, as they all seem very bubbly ladies.
I always feel sad at weddings, knowing that I couldn't make mine work. We did give it a good try as we were married for 29years, but we were making each other very unhappy in the end and by cutting our loses then and me moving out to try it on my own, we were able to save our friendship in the end which we both value more than anything.
I realise how weird that sounds, but if we hadn't divorced, then we would have hated each other, so at least the years apart helped rebuild our friendship and we are still there to support each other now.

It's really quite chilly out there tonight and hang the consequences of rising gas prices, as the heating had to go on. I'm going to have to try and work out how I can have my oxygen concentrator on in the hallway without it affecting my heating thermostat which is also in the hallway. The concentrator throws out enough heat to confuse the thermostat and the heating keeps switching itself off. I will have to try and keep my concentrator in my bedroom, but then that makes the tubing awkward to move about with while attached, as then it's got two closed doors to work out how to get enough of a gap to thread it through. Either that or sit in the front room with my winter coat on.
I can't have the concentrator running in the frontroom, as it's like a puffy billy engine!
Oh problems, petty problems.
I do get quite jealous as my mother's bungalow is toasty and warm on 21 while mine is on 25 and still chilly...why?!
I'll sleep on it.

Lots of love Debbie x

I wonder, I wonder

Autumn has definitely arrived now as the leaves are really falling down off the trees, there is a definite change in the weather, it's getting so gloomy now.
But it is November with Bonfire night on Saturday and over the years, that could go either way. I've known it freezing cold while watching the fireworks wearing knitted hats, scarves, gloves and thick socks, then another year just a jumper would have done.
I don't think that I will be watching any fireworks close up for the obvious reasons of oxygen and sparks don't go together too well, but if there any around the village I could watch from the safety of my back garden. In fact last year, it was really mild when I sat on a garden chair in my back garden with a glass of wine, watching some amazing fireworks going off from the new housing estate across the field from mine.
All very civilised.

I drove Barbara over to the Tiptree Jam Factory this afternoon, so she could buy some Christmas presents and as I thought that maybe I should be thinking about Christmas too, so I actually brought some cute table treats and felt jolly pleased with myself. I also brought a rather sparkly dress ring for myself too...well it's a Christmas pressie for me from me!
I've never been an organised person and if I have brought presets early for other people rather than my boys, I've invariably misplaced them and then unearthed them again come Easter. I can remember one year when we were very strapped for cash, buying presents for the following Christmas dead cheap in the January sale and I don't think we ever did find those ones.
There were cogs whirring around in my brain though for present ideas as I was walking around the gift shop this afternoon...I must start writing lists.

I was a good girl and went to my WEA course tonight after missing it last week. But I have no idea what happened on the way to Greta's car from my bungalow, but my stats must have plummeted, as when we got into the hall I felt really spaced out. Greta said that my lips and chin had turned blue and my finger tips looked as if I had been rubbing them on a brand new pair of denims, as they were so blue too.
I do hope that this blip soon passes, as I was really enjoying the sensation of feeling nearly normal before going for my assessment. Ok not nearly normal obviously, how can I be normal with oxygen being pumped up my nostrils nearly 24hrs a day and bringing up nasties off my chest every time I cough, but I had the feeling that I wasn't as quite as useless as normal which was really nice.
I wondered once again, as I had tried so hard to get my fitness levels up, that maybe I had tried too hard and once the assessment was all over, that I had crashed and burned? Perhaps it's a good thing, because I do have a habit of forgetting what has gone before and now I'm beginning to remember how everything is such an effort just to try and be normal.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Will I hear anything from Papworth about going on the Friday Active list?
Who knows?

Lots of love Debbie x

Sunglasses and bobble hats

The last couple of nights have been colder thankfully, because ever since I changed from my summer duvet to my winter one, it had got unseasonably mild again at night.
Plus throw in some night sweats from this cold and it was the recipe for a week of uncomfortable nights sleep with arms and feet hanging out the bed and waking up looking more tired than when I went to bed.
This morning, I nearly looked human.

I went to Maldon again today, but not for a picnic...far from it, but for an appointment with the 'Slasher,' at St Pete's.
It was time to have my oxygen levels reviewed again. Luckily I have known them for years now and both her and her workmate are both totally off the wall.
One chats to you and the other sneaks up behind you and cuts your ear. The first time she did it, I was so outraged that she had did what I felt was like being attacked from the rear, that I swore very loudly supposedly under my breath at her! Strangely enough, we have remained really good friends as she is quite a fire cracker herself.
They have to take the blood from your ear, as it gives the best reading for seeing how much oxygen is travelling between the red blood cells...or something like that...basically to see how much oxygen you need to stop you from keeling over.
It is far less painful than having then the needle into your main artery in your wrist. Hell that one is a killer. That's the only time I cry when in hospital is when they take your blood that way, especially if you get a novice.
They can also see if you are retaining carbon dioxide in your blood, which can be dangerous if you are on oxygen. Oxygen is a medicine the same as other other treatment, get it wrong and it can be potentially lethal.
My levels have dropped slightly again, but I can still stay on 2litres of oxygen. Hopefully I'll stay about that level throughout winter, as I tend to go up again in the better weather. I know my breathing has been worse this last week, but I'm hoping it will sort it's self out again.

The conversation always reverts to sex with those two and they were teasing me mercilessly just as I was about to leave their office. I retorted that 'I wouldn't know, as I'm beginning to think I've turned into a virgin again as it's been so long since I've had sex, ha ha'.
Unfortunately I had the door just open enough and the waiting room was full of old folk, whose hearing was on top form. One lady and her husband tutted at me as I walked out into the waiting room and one of the other men actually winked at me!
OMIGOD thank goodness I had my dark glasses handy.

I'm wondering now are my swimming sessions over now until spring? Swimming definitely helps with my breathing and I have missed it the last couple of weeks, but the water is so cold at the pool. Ok, I heat up as I swim and I don't mean from weeing in the water either, but from my hard efforts of swimming. But that initial shock of getting in the pool, doesn't help my breathing either and isn't an inviting thought.
As soon as I get rid of this cold, I think I might try again before it gets too cold or try at another pool. Maybe at the health club nearby where you don't have to join, those pools are always warmer.
I don't want to give up, as I really enjoy the challenge and being alone with my thoughts, if the sunshine is shining through the windows, I can just about pretend I'm in a hot country swimming in their pool. But I can imagine my mother being horrified at the mere thought of me swimming in the cold weather. She's probably make me promise to wear a bobble hat in the water!
Could be done...

Lots of love Debbie x

Odd book ends

A day of two extremes again with an iffy bit in the middle.
Started off the morning with the ultimate of luxury... a massage. Although I have to be honest, not all my massages have been luxuries in the past, more like an infliction of torture being lavished on me!
Depending on what I needed the massage for i.e. a cricked neck or a trapped nerve in my thigh etc, I have in the past used the hole in the treatment bed where you are supposed to place your face, as a bit to bite down on as the pain of the massage has actually made me cry.
You big girl's blouse...I hear you cry!
Today, my masseur said that as she worked on my back, parts were very quickly red, which indicated that muscles were heavily knotted through trauma or stress. Just above my kidney on the left hand side, was a good example of the knotted muscles.
My oxygen unit gets very icy around where the oxygen is fed in and that part rests right on that spot. And damn that spot hurts, but she soon relaxed it and today it was a really relaxing massage.

The iffy bit was driving my car from the relaxing bit to the ouchy bit. Iffy, because strangely enough, I get car sickness in this courtesy car.
Have you ever heard of that, because I haven't?
I have felt sick plenty of times as a passenger, especially when a passenger in the back, but never when driving. You are usually too preoccupied with keeping away from other idiots on the road that put you in this position of needing a courtesy car in the first place!
This car however is a diesel and being an automatic, it rolls as it works it's way through the gears ,a bit like a boat riding a wave. I have to open the window as I drive, to stop me from wanting to vomit. Ooo roll on the 9th when I get mine back.

The ouchy bit of my day, was having my weekly pummelling at St Mikes's. Today it was a little different from usual, as Hannah couldn't get the head of the treatment bed down from an upright position, so me being an obliging patient and still fairly agile from years of yoga, I decided to help my poor stressed Hannah and lay on the bed with my legs concertinaed upwards against it.
Not the most restful position to be in and certainly gave me a head rush when I stood up again after I was drained and it was all finished.
Having cramp in my toes while in that position, wasn't the best of timings either, but made for plenty of giggles from Hannah and plenty of cussing from me.

I could never say my life is boring...weird yes, but boring no.

Lots of love Debbie x