Harvesting thoughts

Another test under my belt today and this one, the barium swallow examination, was quite straight forward and not uncomfortable in the least, although I will probably be passing chalky poos for the next couple of days!
Strange, you don't see white dog poos anymore, do you? I always remember seeing them in my childhood days, something to do with dogs eating bones I think.
Sorry I digress... back to my poo.
The test wasn't unpleasant at all, in fact I was so thirsty from not being allowed to drink since last night, that I would have happily drunk another glass of the chalky mixture with a hint of mint...Mmmm
Why is it, that I still smile when having an xray taken? Does anyone else do that or am I the only vain nutter?

It was really nice driving to the hospital this morning, as it would have been the time that I would have been going into work should I still been working at the uni and I was able to listen to the Chris Evans radio show on BBC2. That is one of the things that I miss about not going to work, as I don't have a radio at home.
I used to love listening to 'Pause for thought' slot on his show and there was a particularly good one on this morning given by a female Prison Chaplain.
She was talking about it being harvest time and driving in, it was really evident that we were coming into Autumn rapidly, as most the fields had already been ploughed. Must have been so much easier for the farmers with all this rain.
But her point was, how everything has it's time and if things weren't working out smoothly for you and ideas had to be delayed or a particular plan hadn't come together properly, then maybe it wasn't the right time just yet. And I couldn't help but compare this story to my own delays with the hospital and I truly believe that she is right.
I have to wait for the right set of lungs, don't I as I can't just use any old set that comes along and ok I'm facing delays now with appointments, but only slight ones in the whole scheme of things.
After all if these tests had come through the other week when mother had her chest infection, then who would have cared for her then and it gives me a bit longer to lose more weight, which will benefit me to survive the transplant?
When I was at work, we used to see so many students that had set themselves impossible targets, where they had signed up to do maybe a nursing or teaching course, but they had very young babies at home and they would stretch themselves to the point of breaking.
Your heart went out to them, but you really wanted to say to them that maybe it wasn't the right time in their life to start a degree, maybe in a few years would be better for them?
So yes in my view, that lady on the radio was speaking wise words.

Talking of Autumn, along with the ploughed fields and the overwhelming smell of broad beans in the evening air, were other little signs that Autumn was coming, like it being colder in your homes than being outside!
Already our homes are cooling down and at one point this afternoon, I seriously contemplated putting my heating on.
When I got home from Broomfield hospital, I fell asleep in the armchair and had great trouble waking myself up again, as I was snug under my throw and it was really quite chilly in my bungalow.
If I hadn't been going off to my second hospital visit of the day at St.Pete's hospital for physio, I would have packed all my summer clothes away, as I actually think that we've had it for summer sunshine this year now.
Sad.
When I think of the lovely bits that I brought to wear for the hoped for sunny days and I've worn them probably once if I was lucky, I feel cheated. And now if I lose the target weight set by Papworth, then they will be too big for me next year. Still maybe not, if I've had the transplant by this time next year and the steroids that I'm bound to be put on, blow me up...then win some lose some as they say!

Lots of love Debbie x

Win some, lose some... 2lb in fact!

I've been dealing with a lot of pent up anger today, brought on by two issues. My mother and the fact that we seemed to have bypassed summer and moved straight into winter judging how cold it is here today.

Mother was having a blood and urine test this morning and she was supposed to starve herself from late last night until after she had the blood taken.
When I called round to pick up her urine sample to take down to the doctors for 10am, I could swear that I could smell toast even though I had stuck bright yellow post it notes everywhere saying 'don't eat' and both my sister and myself had rang her to remind her.
When I called back round to take her down to the surgery for 11am, she nodded and said yes, she had eaten toast, but then she couldn't remember whether she had eaten or not when she saw the look of horror on my face.
The lady who takes blood at the surgery, isn't the most happiest of women in the world and I was dreading her response, to which of course I would have to defend my mother to the death, even though at this particular moment in my life, I could cheerfully strangle her myself!
Actually the vampire lady wasn't too bad this time. She would make a terrific poker player though, as her expression is unreadable, where mine was clearly one of sheer bally frustration!

Mother has also worn me down with her non stop complaining about the gardener not trimming the hedge in front of her shed, so I attacked it.
Of course it's laughable really seeing me, a 'raspberry ripple' complete with an oxygen unit strapped on my back, cursing and panting as I ripped into the hedge. It might not be the straightest job in the world, but it was done in record time and actually I think I did do a pretty damn good job. Obviously, being an ex hairdresser helps when it comes to styling hedges!
Mother's neighbour then called over the fence, that he was going to do the hedge for her today as it had actually stopped raining at last. He told me that he had explained to the gardener that he usually did the hedge for her, but then it started raining when he was about to start it after the gardener left... count to a hundred Deborah!
It was as I was tidying up afterwards, that I realised and I'm running the risk of being ridiculed forever now by my friends, that I get a big kick out of seeing my hedges looking neatly cut too, so I shouldn't really moan at my mother, as I am rapidly turning into her.

Still it wasn't all doom and gloom today, as I lost 2 more lb at tubby club tonight...whoa hoo... and both Ann and me were the slimmers of the week as most people put on. We had both lost 2lb each.
Typical that the prize fruit basket was only half full this week, so I let Ann have it all. But the best bit is that I have only got to lose one more lb and I have lost half a stone, how fab is that!? Only a stone to go and I've reached my target weight of 10st 2lb.
This will show Papworth that I am serious about this transplant and as it looks like it is going to be October now before I go up for my three day stay, so I have a really good chance of being a stone lighter by that time if I keep up the good work.
Ann got her sticker for her first half stone lost tonight and I was truly pleased for her this time. No snarling through gritted teeth.
I am wondering though as I sit here with a shawl wrapped around me to keep me warm, have we got to carry on wearing summer clothes so that don't weigh as much all through winter?
Some of the girls come in the same clothes each week and remove all their jewellery, surely it doesn't make that much of a difference, does it?
I have a barium swallow examination tomorrow, I wonder how many 'syns' in that?

Lots of love Debbie x

Cinders, you will go to the ball... one day

I feel a bit like Cinderella today. Once again, I haven't gone to the ball or should I say; I haven't gone on holiday to Turkey.
Strewth, it's been three years since I've been out there now.
I tried hard not to rain on Julie's parade and hopefully I pulled it off. There was a dodgy moment when I called her to wish her a safe journey and happy hols before she left and I realised, after Oliver rang me in a panic after I left him a message on his mobile and he said that my voice loss made me sound as if I was crying, that she might think I was flipping out.
I promise I wasn't.
It is hard not jetting off with her, but my turn will come again I have to believe that.

For the time being, I'll make do with the delicious smell that comes from my bedroom drawer every time I open it. It comes from the olive oil soap that Irene brought me for my birthday and it's the same type of soap that they use in Turkish bathes. It scents all my clothes and I love it.

It's been a weird sort of summer, where I feel that I am just waiting for something to happen, which of course I am. I guess I should have been brave and booked a holiday in this country, but to be honest I really couldn't get motivated to do so and the weather hasn't been that seductive to rushing out and hiring a cottage somewhere.

So I took mother out for lunch instead of flying off to sunnier climes. Whoa hoo!
And mother was in a cranky mood to say the least when I arrived. I think the fact that her carer came without me reminding her, set her off balance. I didn't remind her because I didn't know she was coming myself, the office that she works for said that her leg was still bad.
Mother is still kicking off about the fact that the gardener didn't cut her hedge and that is really beginning to drive me insane, as he did actually make a good job of the rest of the garden.
But she did take my shock announcement to her after lunch that she had a blood test tomorrow, very well indeed. Normally she really goes into one, but not this time.
In fact she was quite funny again while we were eating lunch today. She does have a wicked sense of humour when she feels in the mood, I just wish the rest of the family saw it more often.

Later we went off to the cinema to watch the new smash hit according to the critics, a romantic film called 'One Day.' Apart from being frozen in the cinema with their random air conditioning, it was quite a good film, but I have seen better to be honest or maybe I just wasn't in the right mood myself.
I came home from the cinema with the munchies, so I'm hoping that I have managed to lose weight and that all these late night hunger pains aren't in vain.
Will I ever lose a stone and a half? I really don't know, but all will be revealed tomorrow at tubby club. I am trying very hard though.

Lots of love Debbie x

Busy, busy, busy

I forgot how exhausting entertaining is, as that is what I've been doing this weekend and I am losing my voice rapidly through all the talking!
It was a will she won't she start to the day yesterday, as my young friend suffers from migraines and went down with a stormer a couple of days before our much planned weekend.
We met at Tai Chi years ago and we got on like a house on fire. She was living in Essex miles from her parents and I stepped in to be what she calls 'her 2nd mum.' And we've stayed in contact ever since, even now she's married and moved back North.

While I was waiting for a verdict on whether she could face the journey or not, I popped round to Julie's who is off to Turkey with the kids taking it in turn to stay out there with them.
Lordy I wish it was me, but I decided to help out where I knew I best could and that was to thin down Julie's suitcase.
So now Julie hates me!
I am the voice of reason when packing suitcases, especially where Julie is concerned, as she always ends up with a heavy sticker on her case and that's just going out there. After all how many pairs of white trousers can you physically wear while on one holiday? I think we settled for three pairs, and that was after she starting getting annoyed with me and she slipped a pair in when I stopped her taking a long white skirt, which she'd only have worn the once!
So my next task is to keep an eye on her son and make sure he washes and tidies up more than once as well!

My weekend guest arrived and we had a lovely time catching up which is probably why my voice has now left the building.
We talked about everything and anything that has happened since we last met up, which was last July. We swapped belated birthday and Christmas presents to each other and were both very pleased with our gifts. We went out for a meal last night and also ate healthy options at mine today. We went to the cinema with Ann and watched Conan the Barbarian, me from under my cardigan. as damn, that film was more than a wee bit blood thirsty!
I know I normally go to bed late, but talking till two in the morning is different, as I now feel shattered.
So off early to bed tonight, may even have a crafty pimms!

Lots of love Debbie x

Someone buy me some roller skates

Strewth, it was like Piccadilly Circus in my bungalow first this morning. I really wanted to lie in and have at least another half an hour sleep, but I couldn't because I knew I had a lot of ground to cover this morning.
Straight off at 9am this morning, it was the lady from Carecall to try and fix my Docobo, but alas it seems like it is now defunk. She tried everything to fix it, but in the end she had to remove it.
Although everything seemed to be working this end, my stats weren't going through to where it really counted. As thankfully as I am feeling fitter than I have been for ages at the moment, she was able to take it away until she can get me an updated one with a simm card instead. I don't actually know what that means, so I just nodded a lot.
Hopefully I won't keel over in the mean time.

As she was leaving with all the docobo equipment which felt a bit scary, my friendly oxygen guy turned up with my emergency DD cylinders. I don't even think I had a proper chance to say goodbye to her before he was in and chatting away nineteen to the dozen.
He is a sweetie.
Always talks about his dear old gran that he lives with, but I have a sneaky feeling that he is putting my in the same age group as his sweet old gran, as he keeps calling me 'dear' all the time and talks very slowly and loudly!
Still if worse comes to the worse with the mother ship totally packing up outside, I won't have to stay indoors and still get out and about over the weekend now I have my back ups.

Jean came round for morning coffee, but no cake this time. Hard! I loved my chocolate muffins and a cuppa with Jean.
We sat chatting when my mobile went off with 'unknown' flashing up on the screen, which normally means someone medical on the other end.
This time it was the Transplant nurse at Papworth.
Jeepers, I nearly wet myself until I remembered that I haven't had my three day stay at Papworth yet, so it couldn't be 'The' call.
She just wanted to know if I had completed the two extra tests at Broomfield yet and she sounded none too happy when I said that I had only just got the appointments through.
Unfortunately, I now won't be going up for my three day stay until at least the beginning of October. Damn, more delays.

After that it was non stop calls regarding my mother. The doctor called twice to make her an appointment regarding the 'Memory clinic', but mother has to have blood tests and an urine sample done on Tuesday and then she'll book her in for a scan.
She won't be none too happy about that one I can tell you. You'll think I'm trying to murder her when she has to have that one done, the blood tests will be bad enough!

Then off to rehab in the afternoon for more fun and follicks exercising, before coming back to mother's and making her evening meal, before going off to Lynn's for our meal in the pouring rain. Hell this is a harsh summer.
I do believe I'm starting to get a firm muscle in my upper arms though from all this weight lifting!
Ooo how exciting, no bingo wings for me in future!

I am now so tired, that I feel like a limp lettuce leaf so time for bed.

Lots of love Debbie x

Phones at the ready

Well I shall never earn my living from dress making, as it's taken me two episodes of Celebrity Big Brother, back to back to hem Julie's maxi dress by hand ready for her holiday.
Reni and myself were too cowardly to try stitching the hem up on the sewing machine, as it's been years since I've been on one and Reni was too nervous.
Actually it's been 34 years since I've been on a sewing machine and that was when I made a shiny jump suit for my ex to wear on stage when he was singing in a rock group. And before that it was making an apron at school!
I think Viviene Westwood's job is safe don't you?

Not a bad day today. Lots of phone calls to various people starting with the oxygen company, as either my mother ship in the garden is faulty or the unit that I carry on my back is faulty, but liquid oxygen is spurting out everywhere when I'm trying to fill the unit and it's only half filling each team.
Not good when you need to go out and about trying to be normal or as normal as you can be with tubes up your nostrils.
They are sending out two more of the old heavy cylinders tomorrow for me to get me over this weekend's bank holiday.
Next call was to the Carecall help centre for my Docobo, which is flagging up problems with the wiring again. I'm hoping that I have checked everything that I should, as I'd hate to get someone out tomorrow to fix it if it's not broken.
Another call with the Social Worker regarding mother where they do an assessment over the phone. I was really impressed with mother, as she actually answered all the questions over the phone call herself without just giving up saying she can't hear and handing it over to me.
She isn't as helpless as she makes out it seems.
Plus she was quite disappointed that the new carer never turned up this morning, as she was going to have a shower. The poor girl apparently fell over and twisted her ankle.
Bit annoyed that the office never called to let us know though. I had to call them to see what had gone wrong, just aswell mother wasn't sitting in bed waiting for her.

Still I had had some fun today rather then just reverting back to my old work roll of an information and welfare assistant, and I met my friend for lunch to swap birthday presents.
The last time we met up, it poured with rain and today it was dejavu. The close was so flooded, that I had to climb into my side of the car across from the passenger seat, as the huge puddle on the drivers side was so deep that it would had covered my shoes!
Wearing an oxygen unit on my back, does not promote nimbleness in climbing across the car seat I'm afraid and there was a lot of mumbling under my breath especially when climbing over the gear stick. The last time I did that, I was a lot younger, at least 37 years younger!

Saw my first V formation of flying birds on Tuesday evening by the way. Forgot to tell you that with all the happenings that night.
I did say that my birthday always heralds the start of Autumn and I wasn't wrong. It's already getting dark by 9pm now. What will Autumn bring I wonder?

Lots of love Debbie x

A breather

I'm a lot calmer today thankfully, although very tired as I never got to sleep until gone 2.30am last night where I was quite emotional and up again early to get shopping etc.
Still you live and you learn something new each day about yourself and other people, plus about your strengths and your weaknesses and yesterday was no exception to the rule.

I had another busy day with phone calls from Social Services and various other people regarding mother, and I must say I really am quite impressed that the Village Agent has got the people we need moving to help mother so quickly.
I finally feel as if mother is going to get the help that she needs at last and that I can concentrate on getting myself a bit of a respite by knowing she will be alright, especially when I do get the call from the transplant centre.

I had a visit from a work friend today which was very nice and gave me a chance to try out yet another dish from 'Slimming World', this time a curry for vegetarians.
Tasted really yummy, although I did add a tad too much curry spices yet again. I must have a heavy hand or something. No it's me talking when I should be watching what I'm adding.
Gosh talk about breaking out in a sweat when you're eating, even my nose was running at one point, which is not helpful when you have oxygen tubes up your nose!
She was going off to be weighed afterwards, so I wish her luck as it's so nerve racking worrying about whether you have lost any weight or haven't not especially when you have tried so hard to lose.

Not a lot to report today thankfully, so hopefully I can go to sleep tonight at a reasonable hour for a change.

Lots of love Debbie x

The gloves are off

A complex day today which started with meeting the Village Agent regarding my mother and for once, I didn't feel like the little sister, but someone who knew what she was doing and someone that you should listen to.
As you know, I am not happy about mother going into a home until she is ready and quite frankly, she isn't ready yet and it would be the death of her if she did so now.
The Village Agent, who at first I actually had my doubts about how useful she would be, really put my mind at rest as she really knew her stuff.
She gave us very helpful advice and I was pleased that she confirmed a lot of what I had tried to tell my brother and sister last week. However much I love my sister, I do get the feeling that she tolerates me when I voice my opinion about something and thinks that I'm talking out of my bottom basically.
In their eyes, I'm still the little sister going off on CND marches or on another one of my 'fads'. Hard being the youngest at times.
But it looks like we might be able to get extra funding so that she can stay in her own bungalow with carers coming round and to get her assessed by Social Services to see if we can get other help too, until the time comes when she is a danger to herself and we have no option.
Thank you Village Agent, I will recommend you.

Tonight was a lovely evening spent at 'Grahams on the Green' in Writtle for our friend Kevin's surprise 50th birthday meal.
He had a harem of ladies there to wish him 'surprise!' and he was embarrassed, but really pleased, I'm happy to say.
The food was very yummy and the little voice in my head was shouting 'Remember you've got to lose a lb for tubby club next week!' So I did go for what I thought were the healthier options.
I couldn't help it that pudding was included and all of them were fattening!
I went for the roasted peach and I wasn't going to eat the little dollop of ice cream on the side, but as I hadn't had my daily allowance of milk, I'm hoping that it wasn't too bad a choice.
The banter was really good fun, mainly because Sam and me were back together and we can talk for England and giggle for the universe.
All was going well until right at the end. Someone mentioned that a friend at work had made a comment on Face book at not being invited to Jean's last week for my birthday do.
I knew about it as I had seen it and had replied tactfully both then and on FB that it had been a small do with people I had known for years, but she was more than welcome to come round as was the friend tonight, but it still really threw me.
This morning I was in control of the family situation as I was ready, but this took me totally unawares and it really stung.
I don't like hurting anyone and believe it or not, I find it hard to be rude or hurtful to anyone as I don't feel it's necessary as I can usually get my point across, but as I was driving home I was boiling over about it where it upset me and I thought of all the things that I should have said, so here it goes the flood gates are now open...

The nine people that were there on Friday were chosen because, yes it was a small affair and ten people was the limit, as being practical who has anymore chairs than that. But those nine people have worked with me and known me for years still coming round on a regular basis.
Those nine work colleagues have also supported me through the break up of my 29 year marriage... my actual divorce itself... the pain of when my young nephew broke his neck in a freak car accident which left him as a quadriplegic... having to go to court with me when I was made bankrupt... offering to be my guarantor when I was looking for somewhere to live and no estate agent would touch me with a barge pole... covering for me at work when I had to go to the GUM clinic when the first person I fell for and slept with after my divorce, gave a 'gift' that kept on giving and had to be frozen off... a painful family fallout... lending me a car for months when mine died... my numerous hospital stays... taking me to hospital appointments... caring for me at home when I have been too ill to do anything and basically picking me up again when I am falling down.
It's been a busy six years!
There are also brilliant friends such as my soul mate Julie, best friends Lynn, Ann and Barbara and a good friend Greta that have been there every step of the way and probably two steps ahead of me, as I am slow on the uptake at times! They have bathed me, cooked for me, listened to me crying hysterically, talked me out of committing suicide and various other jolly things.
But my point is, they weren't there either at the party, but arranged their own jolly with me as they want me to have as much fun as possible.
I want to do lots of things, but you can't always do it, but hopefully I don't spoil someone else's happiness with a throw away remark.
Maybe this friend didn't realise just how much that little remark on FB would hurt or even the comments in the restaurant, but hopefully they will think in future.
I deserve a good birthday, after all if things go tits up, this could be my last birthday... Now that is a statement!
There, I feel better now.

Lots of love Debbie x

Running shoes ready

The next person who even thinks that now I'm retired, that I have all the time in the world, I will poke in the eye.
I got up about the same time as normal and realised that maybe I have been burning the candle at both ends a bit too much just recently, as I was feeling a little tender across my back and actually my body ached all over.

My first task of the day was to sort out what I needed to take to tubby club tonight as it's a 'taster day', where we bring food in that we've made and every one gets to try out the various foods and get helpful hints.
As Ann said she couldn't find anything to make on the 'Slimming world' website, I in a minute of madness said that I'd make hers as she had to go to work and wouldn't have time.
So off to supermarket to get all the ingredients, start the prep work on them, then over to mothers to take her to Maldon for a picnic.
I am doing cankers today as far as mother is concerned, as she had the hump about me going out with my sons yesterday and not taking her. In another moment of weakness, I agreed to take her out and it's very strange how she can't remember most things within 5mins of them happening, but she can always remember that we are going out!
So off to Maldon, where I sat and wrote a load of thank you cards ready to give to Oliver to take into work tomorrow while mother ate her picnic lunch.

Next stop after dropping mother off, was to have a quick 5min snooze, as I felt knackered driving back and I still had rehab to go.
At rehab, I had my new weights to work with as we do three exercises with the stretch band and I have a tendency to get caught up in my oxygen tubing when doing these exercises.
Everyone were very impressed with my new toys and it caused quite a giggle when I said that most mothers get flowers or smellies for their birthdays, but I get weights and love them!
I then impressed everyone again when I gave them a slice each of the birthday cake to go with their teas and coffees, this is the cake Sally made for me on Friday and it when down a treat with them.

Back home and back into the kitchen to work on the dishes again with just three quarters of an hour to go. I just got them finished as Oliver turned up and I was feeling rather frazzled by now. He was taken back by the amount of food that I had prepared and had tried to stuff into my fridge. I moaned to him that all this work just to be told that I had gained instead of losing, was it really worth it?
When I got to the tubby club, I was really shocked as I had stayed the same and not gained... Yay! But actually I hadn't eaten that much wrong really, Ann had two ice creams, a slice of cake and a brandy on Saturday alone, plus her other syns throughout the week and she still lost a lb! She then admitted that she hadn't even really looked that hard for a recipe to make for tonight... grrrrhh.

Back home at 9.30pm and back round to mother's to put out the recycling, then back to mine to finish washing up all the dishes from the 'taster session.' I know that I am feeling stronger, but I'm seriously wondering how long I can keep this up for.

Off to bed now to sulk, as I sound and feel a right misery.

Lots of love Debbie x

Yay! 55 today!

I have had the best birthday ever today. Simple, but absolutely lovely.
My two gorgeous sons escorted me to Southwold today. A quaint seaside resort in Suffolk where my ex and I used to take the boys for their summer holidays when they were little and if you have never been there, please try it.
Southwold is a quintessential British seaside town, which hasn't changed in years apart from the shops getting posher!
It was a trip down memory lane for us, as I haven't been for about ten years and for Oliver ,a lot more. Dwight has been back a few times recently.
Listening to them laughing about clambering over this or playing on that green, really put a huge smile on my face, as it was all good memories that they had and they couldn't even remember the cold and wet when we stayed in the 'Light keepers cottage' one year.
While sitting on the pier drinking tea and them eating cake, we watched two lads come out of the amusement arcade and we could all see the resemblance of them in the boys.
Priceless.

We had a walk around Southwold town centre, pointing out different memories and giggling about how Dwight used to drag a bucket of stones everyday to the very patient lady in the amber shop, hoping that one of those stones would be precious amber. He did find a piece of carnelian in the end, which I still carry around with me to this very day!
We then bypassed the posh restaurants and instead ate fish and chips on the green overlooking the sea, licking the vinegar off our fingers and drinking Shandy Bass straight from a tin.
The last time we drank shandy bass, was when I brought the wrong gas cylinder when we tried camping instead of staying in a house there and we had to have shandy and crisps for breakfast. Needless to say that was the last time we ever went camping!

Dwight and I had a paddle together in the sea, while Oliver took photos of us. Good to know that I was carrying my very own deep sea diving equipment in case I fell in. Well I guess that's what some people were thinking, by the quizzical looks on their faces as I walked gingerly over the stones to the waters edge wearing my oxygen unit strapped to my back.
Oliver bless him, caught his dad's Adnams Ale bottles on the edge of a step just as we got back to the car and the bottoms on both bottles smashed off, so we drove home smelling like we had been to the Vfestival rather than a sedate seaside town!

Even after my six dances last night with my oxygen unit firmly strapped over my party dress to my back like a mountaineer who had wandered off the beaten track and had stopped for a quick boogie instead, I still manged to impress myself with my walking, although I was holding on to my wheelchair as if my life depended on it.
So where it used to be them falling asleep in the back of the car o the way home, it was me this time. Although I don't think the music playing was quite the same as twenty years ago... I was subjected to rappers etc instead of the gentle strains of Abba and the likes.

A fab day, thank you so much boys.
And thank you for all the lovely cards, presents and messages from everyone, on face book and through the post.
Hang on to your seats, because this could be an exciting year, but bound to be a bumpy ride!

Lots of love Debbie x (aged 55!)

Bye bye 54

What a difference a year and positive thinking can make.
Last November I went to Ben and Becky's wedding and was really chuffed that I had a dance then, only two dances mind you and Robin was holding me up most of the time, but I did it and it felt great.
Tonight at Becky's 30th birthday party, I had quite a few dances, I think about six in total and without anyone holding me up!
Ok a couple of them were more me standing and swaying from side to side with a bit of arm waving action, but I felt more like a party goer this time rather than like a maiden aunt just sitting watching from the sidelines.
I loved dancing and was always one of the first up on the dance floor and one of the last to sit down before this disease kicked in and I can never understand anyone that just shakes their heads and go all coy when people try and get them up.
Use it before you lose it!

I'm hoping that some of this fast swaying action would have burnt up some calories, as I am running out of room to write all my 'syns' on my confession list this weekend. I think my mini target of losing a 1lb might have gone bang along with the party poppers!
I knew Monday that I was going to have trouble ahead.
I had a chocolate birthday cupcake which was very yummy, a cornetto type ice cream with was so good that it actually felt naughty when Iwas eating it and a Southern comfort and diet coke, which I raised to toast me while others thought I'd gone to get a coca cola!
I hadn't eaten my 'A' and 'B' choice that we are supposed to have on this diet, so I live in hope that it might possibly balance it's self out? Nah.
The realisation that once I go on the active list for the transplant that I won't be able to drink a glass of the hard stuff at parties etc anymore until it's done, is a bit daunting I have to admit.
Still all in a good cause.

Well this tired bunny has got a trip to the seaside tomorrow with my sons, so I think I will fall into bed and I don't think sleep won't be far away for a change.
Bye bye Debbie at 54, hello Debbie at 55. This could be an exciting year ahead.

Lots of love Debbie x

Let the celebrations begin folks

Yay... my birthday weekend has started!
I know it's not officially my birthday till Sunday, but I've never been a girl to stand on ceremony, life is far too short.
So tonight we kicked off with a party at Jean's house with eight lovely ladies from Student Services. Out of the eight lovely ladies there, ten including Jean and myself, four are no longer working there, so it was a good chance to catch up and enjoy ourselves.
And it was warm tonight, so we were able to sit out in Jean's gazebo just like you are suppose to be able to do in summer!
We had lots of lovely food, drink and I had lots of lovely presents too. And we had lots of giggling and baudy laughing from Sam and me, especially when I coughed and popped off while sitting on Sam's lap when having a group photo.
Thank you all for a lovely evening, but especially thank you to Jean for arranging and hostessing it all.

I am so glad that I worked extra hard at the exercises in rehab this afternoon, as I must have racked up 2,000 syns or more on my diet tonight and I still have a party tomorrow night and Southwold on Sunday to go yet before my weigh-in on Monday.
But surely if the trifle is hidden under the fruit salad and I can't see it, then it doesn't count? Nope... didn't think that excuse would work.
But I had worked exceptionally hard this afternoon to the point that both my calves and upper arms thought they were going to burst a couple of times from the strain.

I also had the lady out to fix my 'Docobo' and it was the wires, so I am perfectly innocent this time. I knew I was. I have dropped my oxygen unit a couple of times before now and had to that fixed or be given a new unit in the past, but this time it was a malfunction on the electrical side of the 'docobo' so I am innocent my lud!

Ah well, I feel really tired but quite content with life, so I may go to bed now. I have in the kitchen more cake to tempt me with, this time in the shape of a lovely birthday cake which Sally had made for me. I may well take some into Rehab on Monday and share it with the others there.
I really am a lucky lady you know.

Lots of love Debbie x

A wash out day

A bit of a random day today where nothing seems to fit right.
I've killed my 'docobo' yet again and I have hunted high and low in my wardrobe, bureau and kitchen drawers and I can not find the paperwork for it anywhere. I've found the carrying case it came in and a bit of the paperwork, but obviously not the bit I need, because that would be too easy now wouldn't it.

I thought that I knew the number from last time the docobo died on me and I was pretty sure that it was the same as my mother's care call office. But I thought that I'd phone the Respiratory office first just to check that it was the correct number and to let them know out of common courtesy the reason that I haven't been keying in my stats, was because the machine had died and not me.
Of course I got the happy one answering the phone. I'm not sure what her name is, I know the girls have told me before when I had mentioned this ray of sunshine to them and I'm sure she really is quite a nice person, but hell does that girl needs an injection of customer service or what. If she was to yell 'what?' down the phone when answering it, I wouldn't be surprised one iota! Strewth I had my bad days at work, but I was a pussy cat compared to her.
Still I had sorted it all out and it appears that one of the wires have died this time. Last time it was the battery burnt out. I forgot to ask them should I unplug the wire, but decided that there were too many of them trailing about and I didn't want to do any more damage to this very expensive piece of kit.

Off shopping for mother to get her some proper food again now that she has got her appetite back.
She had her carer come round for the first time today and as neither of them came running out from her bungalow screaming, I take it, it was a success.
Mother seemed to like her. I was worried that she would forget that I told her last night that she had a carer coming in this morning and that she would think she was being burgled instead.
Must be horrendous waking up to having a stranger in your home to get you up and fetch your breakfast without meeting them first when you are wide awake.
Is there any stage in our lives when growing up isn't hard?
Tomorrow, it's seeing if she is getting all the benefits that she is entitled to, to help pay for this extra help. After all she has worked all her life and actually has retired three times, working till she was nearly 70 years old, so she is more than entitled to it.

Julie came round and she is going to let me loose on turning up one of her maxi dresses for the holiday... the woman must be mad as I never did finished the apron we had to make in the first year at senior school!
While we sat chatting, the skies opened up and it just poured down with rain. Apart from being very wet, it was very cold too. So much so that I had to put my socks on and cahnge into a thicker top for goodness sake.
It is so depressing out there. Has the summer really gone?

Decided to go to the cinema with Greta and it was still foul out. If I hadn't already agreed to go, then I would have happily stayed indoors in front of the TV and chewed on one of my frozen cakes. No I'm not that silly... I would have melted it first with my hairdryer!
Of course true to form, the film we wanted to see had been pulled from that slot due to the fact that it wasn't as popular as they thought it would be. No help to us when we had gone out in the rain. I did ask for a private sitting because of the rain, but it went whoosh over the chap's head
So I'm sitting here feeling hungry and more than a little bit miserable. Oh well 'Kay so ra so ra'

Lots of love Debbie x

Shiny like a new pin

I'm sure it must have rained on Saint Swithens Day, as every day it there is some rain sometime through the day or night ad today was no different.
All hopes for a brilliant summer are fast fading, still lets be 'Pollyanna' about it and keep our fingers crossed for September. It's not over till the fat weather man sings.

My friend Stella and her son's girlfriend came around today and blitzed my bungalow throughout for me. It looks lovely and shiny, plus everywhere smells so clean.
I can keep my bungalow clean and tidy by doing a little each day... normally when I can't sleep at 1am as you well know by now... but Stella can do all the tasks that involve cleaning products and cleaning my windows inside and out which is a task that I really have problems with now. The cleaning products tend to affect my breathing somewhat.
Besides with a proper blitz, it's then a lot easier for me to continue keeping up the good work.

She also brought freshly baked lemon drizzle cake, apple cakes, chocolate chip shortbread and plain shortbread... Oh lead me from temptation!
I swear that she is Mrs Beeton reincarnated.
I did have a plain shortbread square with my morning coffee with Stella and Laurie and it was soooo good, but I resisted and only had the one square... I was so impressed with myself, because that one square melted in my mouth!
I took mother her share of the cakes over and put the rest in the freezer, but I will take one out for my birthday on Sunday and not feel so guilty at all about eating it. After all how can you feel guilty about eating cake on your birthday?!
Though it is very possible that come 3am tonight, I could have my head in the freezer trying gnaw my way through a frozen apple cake.
Hopefully my little bit of gardening that I did out in the back garden, will knock me out come bedtime tonight. I thought using the loppers on the 'Russian Vine' would help build up my upper body strength.
I'm not sure what part of me was being built up though when I was picking up the cats poo in the little flower bed near my bedroom window! Yuk
Has anyone heard of lion's poo? It's suppose to ward off all cats from your garden. Instead, I used a whole pot of coarsely ground pepper out of my food cupboard, only for it to rain and wash it all away again.

I took mother out for lunch today.
It was her first outing in over a week because of her chest infection and she thoroughly enjoyed being out and about again, even though we did end up at Halfords where a cute guy had to rescue my window screen washer cap.
I am such a klutz.
I knocked it off the side of the car while filling up with screen wash and it fell right inside my engine where I couldn't reach it. Then I nearly lost my varifocals in this bottomless hole as well after bending down looking for it...Durr!
Still everything ended up okey dokey and mother enjoyed her little impromptu visit there, but she enjoyed her scampi and chips more bless her when we eventually got to the restaurant.
Never a dull moment hey!

Lots of love Debbie x

Keep on going Deborah

My sense of achievement knows no bounds today. Why are my spirits soaring? Because I went on a walk and carried on going for a whole 45mins.

I now know how Forrest Gump felt like in the film of the same title, when he started running and didn't stop. It was fab, like I was breaking for freedom or that my life depended on it!
Well actually that is pretty close to the truth, as I have to get fitter than I have ever been to get through this transplant. Hannah told me that the survivor from Maldon, was ultra fit before his transplant and I want to be the same.
Ok, I had started off as nervous as hell, pushing myself to walk round to my friends in the next road for a cuppa, she didn't know I was even coming so that is how it all started.
I guessed as long as I had a full tank of oxygen and I had my trusty 'go faster' trolley, then I could do it and if I needed to sit down, well I would do on the grass verge.

When I got to Jeanette's house, she was out so I carried on going and thought as I felt ok, then I'd go round the block and back to mine.
But when I got to the cross roads... a real crossroads not one in my head...I thought that I could do this for a bit longer. I knew where every bench was in the village, so if I tired or got into problems I could recuperate and I had my mobile if I needed rescuing on route. So I made the decision to cross over that road and then went off down another street instead.

I wasn't being as reckless as this first sounds, as I could always cut across the playing field which leads out right near my bungalow and I would have still would have achieved more than I have done in years.
But I got to the next corner and could see the next bench at the end of that road and I just carried on going and going, to the stage where I had reached the shops from the long way round!
I felt as if I had won an Olympic Gold medal.
It was then that I did have a slight wobble, as I really had to go to the toilet... the Slimming World curse!
Thankfully for me the village hall was open, so I just slipped past some officials and inside to their toilets.
When I started off again I don't know whether it's the thought that you are nearly there or what I don't know, but I did start getting pains in my neck where all my muscles were working overtime and a tad panicky, but my goal was in sight.

As soon as I got home, I texted both my sons, Reni and Julie straight away to tell them what I had done and then promptly fell asleep in the armchair for 15mins with a smile on my face.
Not bad for someone whose oxygen stats were only 83% this morning. They actually rose to 90% when I checked them again.
If I can do that a couple of times a week, not only will it help my fitness levels, but it should help me lose weight too. Not long ago I used to have the most gorgeous firm and shapely legs that my friends used to comment on and with a little bit of exercise they will come back.
I need to get some weights too now, to help with my upper body strength. At the moment, I'm using unopened baked bean cans!
This doctor from Papworth has ignited something in me, long may it last!

Lots of love Debbie x

Inspiration comes in mysterious guises

I do find that inspiration comes to you when ever you need a 'pick me up'.
I was worrying that by the time I have my transplant, that I would have become invisible again.
If you don't know what I mean, then you are exceptionally lucky and are probably in a relationship with someone that tells you that you look lovely on a regular basis. But for us single ladies of a certain age, you do become invisible and it's a sad but true fact.
It's as if men have a radar for when young beauties walk into a restaurant, as their heads all come up like little alert meerkats and suddenly they take notice.
We walk in and the heads remain locked in conversation or concentrating on their food without even a second glance. How do they know that I'm over 50?

But today I brought the latest edition of 'Good Housekeeping' and they had the hot list of '100 Fabulous and over 50, ladies' and suddenly I remembered that not only do the likes of Helen Mirren (No;1) Joanna Lumley (No;2) Vanessa Redgrave (No;54) Julie Christie (No; 82), look damn hot on the outside, but their inner sparkle shines through giving them a real sex appeal.
And I unexpectedly remembered that whenever I wasn't trying to impress the opposite sex, I inadvertently did!

Today is weigh-in day and I had pledged to lose 1lb 8oz last week and I did it! So a total of 4lb so far... Yay!
I have noticed that zips are going up easier and even brought a dress in the sale and it was more fitted than I'd normally go for.
I did work extra hard at rehab today, but had to go outside in the yard and do most of my exercises on my own. Not that I was being anti social, though some of the men are real whingers, and nor was I having hot flushes, but simply because this diet is making me fart like a good 'un!
Every time I had to do a squat thrust, I was gambling with my dignity!

Still tonight at the 'tubby club', I was told that this was normal and so was the amount of times that I spent a penny.
In fact our 'leader' was quite excited by it and said that it was a really good sign, but she isn't getting up three or four times a night and weeing like Victoria Falls each time.
Perhaps I will wee myself away and end up like a dried prune?
Somehow Ann had actually managed to lose 5lb 8oz... how? She is the world's worst person that I know of for eating junk food.
I am pleased for her honestly, but when I first said 'well done', it was through gritted teeth... Sorry Ann.
Though once again, it sounds like I'd made quite a few mistakes again. Baked peaches in freshly squeezed orange juice is full of 'syns', but if I eat them as they are, they are fine. Not as tasty, but fine.
Or I could have them as my 'b' choice instead of bread or cereal. This is all so confusing.
If I eat porridge for breakfast, then I should have been eating a Ryvita too. But Ann ate chocolate quite a few times this week too... real chocolate...and lost over 5lb.
Gawd I'm depressed.
Still it's a challenge and I will over come it!

Lots of love Debbie x

Am I a night worker?

Golly, I proved to myself today that I can get up early and still function. This early rising this morning was only because Derek came round to fix something at my mother's and he doesn't know the meaning of the words 'lie in.'
When we were on holiday, us girls would be laying in our beds with a hangover and he would be up cooking breakfast after already lapping Hisaruno village for a morning walk.
Ok Julie gets up early too, I guess that's being married to Derek, but Ann who says she always gets up early, would always be a close call with me!

After he went and I had washed up mother's breakfast things, I hit the supermarket.
I couldn't sleep again last night, so at 1am I decided to tidy my kitchen food cupboards, then my fridge and lastly my freezer.
All out of date store cupboard food stuff... surprisingly there was a bit... was bagged up and all the shelves were washed down, before I put everything neatly away.
So it was a trip to the supermarket to buy refills of the things that I had thrown away and how sad is this? I had even planned my weeks menus... gosh I'm so anal at 1am... but I was able to buy exactly what I needed, so hopefully no waste.
Thankfully I started to feel tired and retired to bed before I reached the stage of re-organising my knicker drawer by colour, style and comfort rating!
And best of all though, I was able to buy my food and my weeks petrol with my ill gotten gains from Friday night at the races!
Not that I condone betting at all of course.

After two more trips to mother's to sort out her meals, I decided that I had earned the right to go to the cinema.
I think my head is still buzzing about my transplant which in turn has given me a energy boost. I believe where they have told me that I have to get strong for the transplant, I am pushing my boundaries and the working hard at rehab has given me a surge of vivacity.
I do hope though that it doesn't all come crashing down around me.
The sleep pattern is a worry, as I need to sleep so my immunity doesn't get even lower, but for some reason I have turned into a night owl.
Ah well maybe early to bed tonight?

Lots of love Debbie x

Slept like a baby

Well all that walking last night from the coach to the race course and back again, certainly paid off as I slept like a log. So this is what it's like to go off to sleep and wake up in the morning when it's time to get up. I'm liking it!
I was very proud of myself doing all that walking yesterday. Ok I had the help of my wheelchair and I did work up a bit of a sweat, but isn't that what they say you should do when exercising, although probably the trembling bit shouldn't be included!

Anyway, I treated myself to a leisurely morning and chatted on the phone to various girlfriends, catching up on all the gossip. It's weird, but I actually have felt quite strong these last couple of weeks since the Papworth visit and felt very positive. Maybe after all I will get my life as I knew it back again, but this time even better.

In between making meals for my mother and making sure she was taking her medication and drinking enough, I went to see Irene and Ian for the afternoon over in Colchester.
We sat in her back garden and you could be forgiven for thinking summer had actually decided to pay us a visit, as it was quite glorious sitting out there.
Once again I felt like I used to be, sitting there chatting and sipping ice cold soft drinks before having something to eat. We talked about holidays, as they are well travelled and then I was back to earth, as this year has been a non event for holidays for me.
I suppose because I didn't know what I had in store for me health wise and not being fit enough to fly anyway, this summer has been a bit of a disappointment. Especially as the weather looked so promising at Easter and then turned into a damp squid. If it had been better weather, I wouldn't have minded so much as we could have gone to the local seasides and at least had a swim and sunbath there.
However much I look forward to my birthday on the 21st of this month, I can't help but think my birthday heralds the end of the summer, especially as all the fields are been harvested now.

Still I have lots to look forward to and who knows I could be lucky and get a match quite quickly.
I did however get my appointment for the barium swallow examination today. It's on the 31st of August, I'm glad as I was beginning to worry that it had all gone too quiet again on the hospital front.
I know Papworth want these tests done toot sweet, but I did wonder if I have to have these done before I can go to Papworth for my three day stay? I don't think so and I hope not, as I'm still waiting for the other appointment.
Ah well, everything comes to those that wait and besides, mother looks a bit better again, so thank my blessing for what I have now. I'm a lot luckier than some.

Lots of love Debbie x

Tom Jones is still a Sex Bomb!

What a result, £70 up and Tom Jones wants my body!
Sorry the last part was a blatant lie, but we did win over £70 on the horses tonight and Tom Jones probably would have wanted my body if he looking through thick fog and if he wasn't happily married!

For those of you that have no idea what I am rambling on about, Julie, Lynn, Jean and I went to Newmarket races tonight and Tom Jones was singing live afterwards.
He is a legend.
It wasn't all straight forward though, but that shouldn't come as a surprise to any one who reads this regularly!
We were refused entry at first because we wasn't aware that we couldn't take picnics into the grounds and we had to eat Julie's assorted Chinese nibbles and my fruity summer coleslaw in quarter of the time I took to prepare it, painstakingly slicing each vegetable and fruit by hand. Plus my first drink of wine in nearly two weeks, was gulped down in about three mouthfuls and hardly touched the sides of my throat.
Not the leisurely picnic we were hoping for.
This all took part outside the entrance gates to the enclosure too, in a corner of the car park by a pile of rubbish where other people had been caught out too.
Second attempt at getting in, but this time they wouldn't let us bring the picnic chairs in to sit on either. Was there some sort of vendetta against us going on I wondered?
Lynn and Jean offered to run back to the coach with them while we went in and waited.

After that it went smoothly... well kind of if you disregard my oxygen running out just before we got back to Braintree.
Anyway, we only got to see four races out of six, but out of those four Julie picked two winners and as they were outsiders, we did very well indeed thank you very much!
I returned from the loo just in time to see our horse in the last race, have a second wind and romp home over taking all the leaders.
Result... Well done Julie!

Tom Jones was magic. His voice is just as good as it ever was and I do believe he is over 70 years old now, not many around that can belt out a tune like that and sound exactually the same as his records.
And he still has a twinkle in his eye, which we could see close up thanks to the huge screens that were everywhere. Believe me, I certainly wouldn't kick him out of my bed!
Thanks to the aid of the rail next to where we were standing, I was able to jig about to all my favourites; Kiss, Mumma told me not to come, Sex Bomb and Dahlia.
And I managed to walk back to the coach, although by the time we got to the coach my knuckles were white from where I was hanging on to the wheelchair like grim death! But I did it.

Thank you girls for a fab evening.

Lots of love Debbie x

Sing it again Louis

Ah bliss, a full nights sleep and a lie in this morning, does life get any better than that.
Thank heavens, as I was getting to be a bit brusque with people as well as getting very tired with all the trials and tribulations that were coming my way.
My night ended with much swearing and stomping about doing a spot of hand washing. When I was walking into my bedroom to go to bed, my oxygen tubing got caught under my bedroom door and jolted my arm which in turn spilt my chamomile tea all over all over my new pure white cardigan which was on the end of my bed.
I was furious and had yet another late night after standing at the kitchen sink hand washing my poor cardigan.

Still I woke up so refreshed that I felt in the words of Louis Armstrong 'It's a wonderful world'. I was exceptionally slow this morning, but that was me just taking my time and I never hurried to do anything. That was so much better than thinking I had to rush around trying to be everything for everyone.
My mother, after a telephone call said she was feeling better, was up early and had already made and eaten her breakfast and was now just resting.
I was able to go around at lunchtime to heat up some soup for her and have a little chat before going off to sort out things for the new morning carers who were coming Monday morning.
She really seemed so much better in herself and happier.

In the early evening, Julie was kind enough to give me some physio. If I can keep my lungs totally empty of sputum, then I am less likely to pick up mothers infection and everyone else's who keep coughing all over me.
It is amazing just how much phlegm that I produce every single day and I'm sorry if this bit makes you feel sick, but the colour has at last changed to a light green yellow, rather than the horrible green that it was on Tuesday and my temperature has calmed down too.
Looks like I'm going to be good to go for seeing Tom Jones on Friday... Yay!
It's horrible not being able to know whether you will be able to attend anything that you have arranged.
Once I'm on that coach and on my way, I will feel relaxed and happy. Although I'll feel even happier on the way back knowing that nothing had gone wrong.

And in accordance to the British weather, I have had my mac 'super' waterproofed ready for tomorrow night.
Why is it that you just can't just think that yes it's summer and that means summer clothes for all BBQs, music concerts, days on the beach and picnics. I have summer clothes and dresses that I brought early this spring ready for all of the above and they have lived in my wardrobe the whole time. So frustrating.
You watch, I will lose this weight that Papworth has told me to lose and then they will drown me next summer. Ah well, eBay here I come.
I'm not moaning, dieting is a small price to pay for a second chance at life.
No, but what comes off in my experience normally goes back on eventually and to be honest, I have now got to the stage in my life where I wear a more toned down style rather than up high end fashion anyway. Although, I do have a quirky style all of my own, so I'm not bothered if they live in the loft for a while, besides Reni now has an electric sewing machine so I could in theory take them all in.
Actually, I think they are safer in the loft!

Lots of love Debbie x

When the music stops... all change

You'll be pleased to know that I didn't self combust last night, although it was touch and go and much shouting at the TV ensued.

I didn't sleep very well either for worrying about mother, so I did get a telling off for not sleeping from Hannah my young physio. Hannah came out and gave me an extra session of pummelling, as we were all a bit concerned yesterday at clinic that I could catch mother's infection by being the chief person looking after her.
I didn't need to be told, but if I don't sleep, then my immunity levels plummet even further down and I will have nothing left in me to fight any infection. But if you can't sleep, then there's not a lot you can do about it as the more you worry, the more sleep eludes you.
I have to be honest here, I didn't feel too wonderful last night when I went to bed either. I was feeling very hot on my face and was coughing more than normal after having a session of physio and then the small hours ticked by with no sign of any sleep coming my way. Whether it was psychosomatic or for real I don't know.
Hopefully today's extra session might have seen what ever it was off.

Mother still looked awful this morning and didn't want to leave her bed at all. I made her promise me that she would be up and sitting in th earmchair after I came back from having my physio done and she was, plus looking a lot brighter.
The lady came from the home care agency to assess mother for help getting up two mornings a week and then if she approves, we can move on to more days.
Oh please let her like them!
Just having that extra help will take off so many worries from me, just leaving her three mornings to fend for herself, as my sister is an early riser and always pops in early two mornings a week.
Mother seemed to brighten up as the day went on after that, especially after she said,
' I won't have to go in a home straight away now will I.'
I smiled and told her 'no, only when she is ready to do so,' and the change in her was amazing. If she wants to go in a home then all well and good, but it must be her discussion. And everything could change 100% tomorrow, as mother takes the woman's right to be fickle to the very limit and changes her mind like the wind.

I feel a lot happier too now.

Lots of love Debbie x

Back on my soap box

I have been stupendously bad tempered today.
I have to thank my masseur for listening to my woes and for even shedding a tear with me too while giving me a back massage. My shoulders and left arm were really painful again.
To say she found a few knots in my shoulders, was like saying it's a bit damp in the rain forest. My back was as lumpy as the WWII mines that you used find in the sea.

And thank you to Jean who gallantly calmed me down and didn't get scared when I was ranting and raving, as I was on boiling point when she came round.
I think my concerns about my mother going into a home had really hit home today and some of the attitudes that have been bandied around, have really caught me off guard.
Mother seemed worse today and didn't want to get out of bed, which I found really worrying.
It was also as hot as hell in her bedroom and I was terrified of catching this infection and then I felt equally ashamed that I was thinking of myself while she looked so poorly.
I really hope that these tablets kick in soon, but they are the same ones that made me very depressed and paranoid on my last infection, so I hope that doesn't happen to her. But I think the fact that she is now worrying about leaving her home is making her feel down.
So well done Jean, you were very brave being with me today as I either get weepy or very angry and today it was the latter.
I actually enjoyed getting pummelled today at physio, great stress reliever.

Add the London riots into my melting pot of things that are wrong in the world and you have a volcanic waiting to blow.
What are these poor under privileged people who are looting shops, complaining about? Poor housing, no work etc? Strange that the real people that have something to complain about, like the homeless who live in cardboard boxes are sleeping on the streets and not behaving like lawless thugs. Are the homeless looting? I think not.
These people who were looting TVs etc, where were they taking them too... Ooo their homes!
When I was younger there was no shame of living in a council property. You made them into your home, something to be proud of.
The councils that have now got huge cleaning up bills to pay, aren't going to have money to spare for problems on the estates that the decent people are complaining about now are they, the thugs have seen to that haven't they. Most councils are broke, so where the hell are they suppose get the money from for this lot?
Work? Well if I had my way, they would have plenty of work now in the shape of cleaning up the awful damage, of burnt out cars, broken shop fronts and burnt out buildings etc that they have caused. All while wearing bright orange jackets so we could throw rotten tomatoes at them!
Strange how people are always moaning about immigrants taking the jobs here, but the immigrants manage to find work, so these people who are moaning, do they actually go for these jobs or are they beneath them?

My life hasn't been a bed of roses either, but I don't whinge about the injustice of it all. When our boys were younger, I would go out cleaning, hairdressing and have a part time job to help my husband with the bills and the little luxuries in life like school uniforms and shoes for them and plus I always had time to join in community projects to make our village a better place and as far as I remember, rioting and looting the local Coop was never one of them!
Life is shite at times, but the old saying is very true; 'If life hands you lemons, then make lemonade'.
My mother who has known real hardship is my worry, not silly kids in hoodies and scarves over their faces moaning that life is hard.

Lots of love Debbie x

Winds of change

Whoa hoo... you can't see me, but I am doing a victory dance here, as I've lost 2 and 1/2 lbs!
I was so convinced that I would have just lost a stingy lb, but no, I am on my way to being a goddess again! Ok not quite a goddess, but less of a heavy weight wrestler than I am at the moment.

I'm pleased that I have something to celebrate, as I was lurking and hiding behind my mother's hedge again early this morning in my pjs again, as she had left all her lights on. As I couldn't see her in the arm chair and as her bedroom light was on as well as the front room and the hallway lights, I just had to pray to God that she wasn't on the floor somewhere and safely in her bed.
I had decided to have an early night, but that was scarpered as I couldn't sleep until all her lights went off about 1am and then I couldn't settle for worrying about her.
What if she if only agreeing about going in a home because she thinks that's want we want and feels defeated?

Mother has been through so much in her life. She has witnessed so many changes when growing up as she was born in 1918, so if todays youth think they have it hard... speak to my mother, because she's one brave lady!
Her elder sister died of TB when she was only a child herself and then her mother followed shortly after, leaving my mother to live with her mother's sister her aunt, who was a million miles away from the beautiful music hall singer who was my grandmother. Her aunt was very kind, but she was a female wrestler and quite a scary lady to look at!
But my mother adored her, my uncle Frank and all her cousins and there was a lot of them, it was a happy loud but poor household!
Mother then married an abusive man, which she left after one betrayel too many and brought up their three children on her own, until she meet my dad and then they married and had little old me.
We were all problematical in one way or another and I was a sickly child that worried my mother half to death.
I owe my mother a lot.

So back to now.
It was up again early to book a doctors home visit for her, rather than having to make her walk to the car etc. and yes it is a chest infection.
Bingo I was right.
She did seem to pick up and then late afternoon/ early evening, while I was at rehab, she really went down hill again. I personally think she was low from talking about the move into residential care to my brother, even though she now thinks it's for the best and I think it may do her a lot of good being with other people, as she gets so lonely in the daytime.
But she knows it's the beginning of her last chapter of her life and that is so hard for anyone to come to terms with, me included.
Luckily I had her tablets from the doctors and helped her take them before dashing down to the slimming club to be weighed.
Thankfully whatever is in them has perked her up and she was a lot better again when I returned from the tubby club.
We sat and chatted over a cup of tea about my weight loss and how I had worked hard at rehab, trying hard to up my game to get fit for this transplant.
As I was leaving, I decided 'sod the germs' and gave my mother a much needed huge cuddle, for me and for her.
So many changes on the way, for me and for mother.

Lots of love Debbie x

A bump in the night?

Well you hear about little old ladies that have gone doolally and wander around in their night clothes in the early hours of the morning, but little did I know it was going to be me!

I coloured my hair last night ready to see Tom Jones on Friday and then I had a lovely leisurely bath, which quite frankly after the worry I have had over mother and doing battle with doctors on call, who really don't wish to come out, I think I more than richly deserved a bit of pampering. I then settled into watching the film that finished at 1.30am, but as I am a late night owl, it didn't worry me.
I was already in my jimmy jams ready for bed and I knew that my eldest sister was getting mother up in the morning, so I could stay up no problem.

All going well, till I got up to switch off the tv, make my chamomile tea and tidy up before going to bed. I always look over to mother's bungalow before bed, as she does to mine and that's when I spotted lights from my mother's corner of the court.
After looking properly out the window, I could see that my mother's neighbour was still up late again. But as I was tidying up, something else was bothering me. It was a lot lighter over there than just him being up.
I turned my lights off and pressed my nose up against my window and could make out that the brightness belonged to my mother's bungalow... Bugger.
I tried telling myself that she had probably fell asleep in bed with the lights still on, but I wasn't convinced.

I sneaked out my bungalow leaving the door on the latch and walked across the court in my jimmy jams, hoping that no one would see me or that I would scare her neighbour peering through windows at nearly 2am. All I needed was to give him a heart attack.
Strange how you always meet someone, and this time it was a youth running for what seemed his life!
I ignored him and carried on, as he could fend for himself.
My worst scenario was in front of me... my mother slumped in the armchair.

Back to my bungalow to shut my door properly and get more oxygen in case this was going to be a late night.
I let myself in hers and turned off the tv which was on full volume as usual before checking her pulse and luckily, the sudden silence woke her up smiling.
Hell, I thought she was dead.

Although she had no idea of the time or why I was in my night clothes over hers, she was confused but a lot happier than the mornings confusion of when she was found on the floor.
She went happily to the toilet, talking about how the sequins on her new slippers that I had brought her that day were shining and then went off to bed again like a lamb.
At least I knew that I has lost some weight, as my pj bottoms kept slipping down on route from hers to mine!

Today has still been back and forth to her bungalow even though my sister did the breakfast shift. Mother has still got to eat another two meals and although I believe in fairies, I didn't think they were house trained enough to do the cooking for her.
Every time I enter my mother's bungalow, I feel like I've turned into a kamikaze, as I can't afford to catch this cold, so i am really pushing my luck. A cold to me with such a low immunity system is like a rabbit standing in a field of grey hounds, shouting out 'yahoo boys, come and get me!'

My sister was elated that mother has now decided to go into a care home. I couldn't be happy though, as I feel so saddened by mother giving up her independence as I know how hard she has fought for it and what a big deal it will be for her. Looking on the bright side, she won't be lonely as she'll be living with other people, but it's going to be a very sad day.
Plus a main problem that my sister has forgotten, that she is still ill now, so we've still got more caring to do yet.
After all, who will be waiting for the doctor to arrive tomorrow and cooking her three meals again... two guesses? really, as many as that? Durr... me silly.
Still don't they say 'If you want something done, ask a busy person', so I guess in this case it's sad, but if you want a sick person cared for, then ask the one waiting for the lungs transplant.

Still my brother is coming tomorrow, so hopefully he can get her dinner, fingers crossed that he comes at that time.
And me, I'll spend the day sorting out her morning personal care until we can get a home that she likes after waiting for the doctor and before going off to rehab.

Lots of love Debbie x

On your marks...

Blimey O Reilly, if I thought I'd hit the day running yesterday, then today I was on the starting blocks for the 100 metre sprint!
I had my day all planned out, a nice easy girly one of toenails to be painted and then off to the Antiques fair and Art show at Cressing Temple. I thought that if I took my 'go faster' trolley, then I could get some exercise by taking a slow walk around as there are plenty of wooden seats around the site for me to collapse on. And all in a vain hope that I'd loose more than this solitary pound before Monday and get stronger by the day for this transplant.

Of course nothing ever goes to plan does it?
My sister was on my door step by 9.30am chewing her nails and my heart sank as I opened the door to her and rightly so. Mother needs help...now.
So a quick oxygen change, finish my drugs and drag on whatever I could all in 5mins flat. Having a lung disease doesn't suit quick exits!

Mother was sitting on her bedroom floor in her night clothes and no teeth in, not knowing whether she was coming or going. I had a sneaky feeling that where she hadn't eaten or drank enough yesterday because she kept falling asleep, that her sugar levels had dropped and so had she.
By the looks of it, she had opened her curtains and come over funny so she had gone to sit down on her bed, which had moved and she had slipped off the bed slowly onto the floor, but all this had happened about 7am and it was now 9.45am.
After trying to get her up and failing miserably, I called in reinforcements in the shape of Julie, who thankfully came immediately and between Julie and I, we got her up, but her legs were like Bambi's and it took quite a few dummy runs to get her to the front room to sit down.
After a quick discussion in the garden between, Julie, Bebe and myself, we decided she needed looking over by a doctor.

Now I know I am getting old when I quote in the 'old days', but it's true.
In the old days you would call your surgery who would give you the doctors name from your surgery who was on call and they would come out.
Now you phone an out of hours centre and you get someone totally random.
I got a grumpy one on the line who said I should have rang 999 first if she had fell after I had explained over and over again that it wasn't an emergency, but she needed a check over as it could be a chest infection or maybe something more sinister.
He was adamant that I should call 999, so that's what I did next.
I called 999 and explained our plight that it wasn't an emergency, but we needed her checked over and the doctor had said to call them.
I was then told that they would get someone from NHS direct to call me. I did get actually get a lot of sense from her and she was very annoyed with the grumpy doctor.
She thought we had two problems, that mother's on going dementia problem was getting worse and but it was probably exaggerated by a chest infection, but although we knew that I should call the grumpy doctor out, mother was in no way entertaining the idea of having a doctor anywhere near her!
In fact mother got very nasty calling me and the nurse on the line an 'inferring cow', and then standing up and marching on the spot as if there was no problem.
I had to make the decision to hold the call to the doctor and see what happens while risking her recovery.
But then if she deteriorates then I would get out the grumpy doctor straight away and face the consequences of either hers or the doctor's wrath and hope that I hadn't killed her in the mean time.
Five visits later and lots of lip biting and hand wringing by me, she has seemed to have turned a corner and hopefully she'll be alright until tomorrow and then we can reevaluate it again then.

Hopefully my family can do the worrying tomorrow as it has scared the pants off of me today and I feel like a wet weekend in Blackpool! Not something I want to repeat again in a hurry, so fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Not sure where this stress figures in the grand plan of looking after myself and keeping myself well?

Lots of love Debbie x

When is a jelly not a jelly?

I hit the floor running today. When I woke up this morning before my alarm went off, I felt serene and refreshed for a change and lay in bed stretching like a contented cat, until I walked past my clock on the hall wall and saw it said 10.38am.
Holy buggery, I must have either forgotten to set my alarm or I had hit it off earlier, but I was meeting a friend at 11.30am and my hair looked like a birds nest on the top of my head, I had sleep marks across my cheeks and all over my body... no; I should say grooves in my face and a white crust down the side of my mouth where I had been dribbling in my sleep.
To say I was rushing around like a headless chicken to look a quarter normal, was understatement.

After meeting my friend, who at one point was my ex boss, I was going on to rehab, so I had to think quickly of what I could wear to both lunch and then do my exercises in and of course my white cut offs and the white long length shorts were both waiting to be ironed.
Gawd damn it!
I actually turned up exactly the same time as my friend, so we were both 10mins late and we had a really lovely lunch... well after I had read and reread each option to see what I was allowed to eat on the menu and she brought me a pressie too... bonus!
She is making jewellery in her spare time as she still works as an adviser at another university, plays bowls, does umpteen courses and travels a lot. And apparently she stays up even later than me and goes to bed around 4am.

I went on to rehab, did a quick change in the car park into a cooler top and then I went on to have a really good session. I'm hoping that not only will it make me a lot stronger, but help me lose some lbs, as they don't appear to be dropping off in great quantity as promised at the diet club last Monday and I'm sure I'm not cheating.
Maybe my body is just being a bit reluctant to play ball and it will surprise me on Monday... Err I don't think so, pigs will fly first.

I thought I'd show off my creative talents in the diet cookery department and show to Julie that the food which her daughter and I are both now eating is quite filling and yummy, but I realised later that you really should wear your varifocals when reading a new recipe.
Question; When is a jelly not a jelly?
Answer; When I make it from scratch and misread the amount of gelatin sheets that I should have put in the lemonade and the pimms. As a drink it was very nice and as a set jelly it would have been superb, but as it was, it was a failure as we all know, jellies are not meant to be eaten via a straw!
Ah well my cod in parma ham was very tasty, so can't win them all.

Mother was a bit worrying today, as she kept falling asleep non stop while I was there this afternoon. She wasn't coughing nearly half as much which was good news, but she was very drowsy. I had checked the cough medicine bottle to make sure she hadn't taken too much, but it looked fine.
When I rang her later on, she said that she hadn't eaten the soup or the sandwiches that I had made her as she wasn't hungry and was just on her way to bed.
Hope she will be alright. She sounds better than yesterday, just very sleepy.
Perhaps I should take her a jelly tomorrow?

Lots of love Debbie x

What a difference a day makes

How can two days be so very different?
Yesterday was so hot and today... peeing down with rain non stop doing an impression of stair rods. And to add insult to injury, when I had my rain mac cleaned earlier this year, the miserable lot didn't waterproof it again for me.
I found this out when I was out shopping as within seconds, the pouring rain had gone straight through my mac and I was not a happy bunny.

Julie and I were going to go off to Maldon today, as she hasn't been there for ages and as I'm always singing it's praises and we thought it would be lovely to sit by the water and relax.
Today, we probably would have been the only ones there as it was so foul out there. Why is it that every time that we think we'll go off for the day, it gets cancelled because of the great British weather?

Also poor little Reni was suffering from heatstroke from being out in the sun all day at work yesterday, so I had to go over to their flat with strong painkillers to try and get rid of her splitting headache. She was really suffering bless her with nausea and feeling cold and shivery, so she was trying to sleep in a completely darken flat and was an eye mask on too to block out all light. Thankfully this evening she feeling a little better.
From there I went round to my mother's with her magazines and she has contracted a stinking cold overnight. She had a tickle in her throat yesterday, but today she was coughing her lungs up and unfortunately she wasn't covering her mouth each time.
It's awful having to ask her to cover her mouth each time, as it feels so condescending having to say that to her, but when she coughs, she really goes for it.
I know that I am frightened of being ill yet again, especially as I have tickets to see Tom Jones next Friday, but I booked these tickets at the beginning of the year, so I'd be devastated if I couldn't go. I also have these tests at Broomfield coming up soon too, and I really don't want to have a tube rammed up my nostrils and down my throat if I'm coughing and sneezing non stop!

So I am swallowing echinacea by the handful and eating a spoonful of manuka 10+ honey in the vain hope that I ward it off. And yes I am including my honey as a 'syn' in my diet, but I can't see the echinacea tablets on my 'syn' list, so hopefully I'm ok there!

Lots of love Debbie x

Happy August

Wow it was hot and sticky last night.
I went off to sleep with no problems, but my bursting bladder woke me up at 2.30am and I did struggle at getting back off to sleep again because of the heat. My own fault as I didn't switch the electric fan on, mainly because it had got stuck on full speed and it would have been like sleeping in a wind tunnel, plus I was worried that it would blow up while I was sleeping!
Didn't matter too much though, as I just shut my eyes and pretended I was sleeping in a hotel room in Turkey again and just went through all the fun times that we have had over there. There are so many funny moments, that I fell asleep after just trip two out there.

Mother and I went off to Maldon again today as it was silly to stay and eat indoors. The place was heaving with families picnicking, splashing about in the water park, crabbing in the boating lake, messing about on the water or just walking up and down the prom taking in the beautiful weather.
We sat for ages, mother in the car with all the doors and windows open and myself in my deckchair next to her open door, just reading and eating. Of course I was eating healthy stuff being the good girl that I am!
Mother kept trying to use her dementia as an excuse for nicking my brand new 'Hello' magazine that had arrived just as I was about to pick her up... Ha not buying into that one mother, you wryly old bird you!
I did go for a stroll down the prom and back on my own, trusting in my 'go faster' walker today and only had to sit down once on the way back, so I am doing more exercising so I must be getting stronger.
Plus I thought it might stop my calves from totalling seizing up from the exercises on Monday, and it seemed to work.

Tonight was a really lovely evening and only goes to show that I do talk sense sometimes.
I said to Rosemary when she was at her leaving do and fretting about not seeing her work friends anymore, that the ones that you want to see, you will see and you'll be able to spend quality time with them rather than a rushed snippet here and there at work.
Tonight was a prime example, as I got to have a meal with one of these lovely ladies who I used to work with and was on sick leave when I left and we spent three hours happily chatting the night away.
The food was good too and I only cheated a little bit on my dessert!

Driving home was a bit like driving through the film set of 'The Hound of the Baskervilles.' As where it had been raining hard while we were eating, the steam was rising off the roads and was quite misty in places. Thank goodness I didn't break down.
I was a bit of a bull in a china shop getting out of the hotel car park though as the barrier wouldn't lift up, so I drove over the kerb instead to get out. Unfortunately it was rather higher than I thought, so hopefully no damage done to my car, but I did take it very carefully.
And there was me bragging about how patient and composed that I had become since being ill... obviously still got a little way to go!

Lots of love Debbie x

Chef wanted

I had my first challenge of sticking to the Slimming World diet today, as I had friends around for a meal tonight.
I searched through the books for quick ideas, as I'm not yet prepared of what foods come under which category, what has to be weighed etc and I did come unstuck with some of my 'syns'.
i.e the small bit of french bread and the sparkling elderflower to drink with my meal.
One of the two friends round tonight is easy and will eat whatever you put in front of her and seem to enjoy it, but the other is so damn fussy. So I ended up making a salad nicoise for the undemanding friend and myself as that was all 'free food' and chicken and chips for the other.
I have to admit, I was eyeing up the chips at one point and I never even want to eat chips at home as a rule!
But we all had the special diet Eton Mess for dessert and I did feel quite full at the end of the meal. Now however my tummy is rumbling.
I'm already scouring the books to see what I can eat for tomorrow... I may eat the book as well by the time I go to bed!
I can see myself turning into a diet bore if I'm not careful.

It's exceptionally hot out there tonight, so we were able to eat Al fresco, but I still have all my windows and doors open so it's cooler before bed time and it's gone 11pm.
I do have my electric fan at the ready in the bedroom in case I can't cool down enough to sleep. I had to use it when having my physio this afternoon. Being beaten up for postural drainage in this weather is not for the faint hearted believe you me!
I have slept better since I stopped taking the statins. Hopefully this new diet will bring my cholesterol down naturally and I won't get told off.
If I can get it down below my 5.1 through diet alone, then excellent. I always used to be a 3 when slimmer, so lets hope with a bit of perseverance, I'll get it down to that again.
Low cholesterol and a cute bod... whoa hoo... bring on the men!

I have a feeling that my calves are going to seize up tomorrow from my heel raises and squats yesterday, as although fine today, they have been twanging a bit tonight. I'll have to limber up before going back to rehab on Friday, especially after giving it the large to my fellow male inmates yesterday.
Lordy I am such a opinionated woman, why don't I learn to button at times?

Lots of love Debbie x

Ms Angry from Silver End debates

Lordy, lordy I have been to Slimming World and I am confused with what I'm allowed to eat and what are syns, greens or reds?!
I'm sure it will be easy once I get the hang of it, but just reading the guide book which explains things, makes me feel hungry and I know for certain that I have just ate 6 syns in the shape of a chocolate mint crunchy bar!
The ladies there all seemed a happy bunch and weren't trying to eat each others legs off while sitting listening to the talk, but did look very excited at the bowl of fruit which was the prize for the biggest weight loss.
And there seemed to be a lot of women zooming into the hall, getting weighed and zooming out again. Were they busy or hadn't done very well?
I think I really need to sit down and read whats what so I can give this my best shot.
What worries me, is that the ladies who stayed had to announce what they think they were going to loose the following week. I wonder if I can just do half a pound a week?!
Ok so you can keep tabs on me;
Starting weight 11st 11lb 1/2oz ...target weight chosen by me 10st 2lb... measurements tonight 41" chest 42" waist and 45" hips... so lets watch and see how this pans out.

I also started back at rehab today and already my legs feel a bit on the stiff side. I think I was showing off as there are quite a few whining men there this time and as I was only one of two women there again, I thought I'd show them what wimps they sounded.
I'm hoping that the rehab along with my extra walking will help shift some weight too as well as upping my strength for the oncoming months.
So far Greta and Ann have stinking colds, so I want and need to keep fit, so I don't go down with what they have.

Now I will apologise in advance to my friends who are smokers for my next rant.
Driving to the hospital today to pick up my monthly drugs, I was listening on BB2 to the Jeremy Vine show. I don't actually like his debate show, I have to be honest and some of the viewers who phone in with their views get right up my nose.
And today was no different and as normal I ended up yelling at the radio as driving along to Broomfield.
Today's discussion was about Michael Douglas smoking again after he has just kicked throat cancer, not that you ever truly kick cancer, it's always looming in the background.
Now I don't know whether he is smoking again or not so I can't comment on him, but the knob heads that phoned in...well a different matter!
The excuses that people gave to exonerate themselves for carrying on smoking while being treated for cancer were unbelievable.
It is an addiction yes, an addiction is only a tough habit and habits can be broken if you try bloody hard. It may seem too hard I know, but surely if you have been told that you could die from something, is it not worth trying harder to break that habit?
After all you are fighting for your life here.
I last smoked over twenty five years ago and yes I did enjoy it. I was what can be described as an on/off smoker who would give up as and when. Eleven years was my longest 'off' time before this last time of giving up.
I gave up on the day I got engaged and restarted the day Oliver started school. The last time was it though, I knew then I would never ever start smoking again, as my sons were so proud of me for kicking the habit and so was I.
I gave up by going cold turkey when I was getting over a heavy cold. They tasted rank and I just thought then, 'Why was I doing this?'
I was also a trained smoking cessation counsellor at the university and helped quite a few students and staff to give up and stay a non smoker while they were at uni at least.
The knob heads who were calling in, all mentioned that they were under stress and that was why they had to carry on smoking.
Maybe the patients who can't have a certain drug because it's deemed too expensive, because money was being wasted on people that wouldn't help themselves by stopping smoking, might be stressed too?
Maybe then the callers should pay something back towards the costs of all their NHS treatment if they have so little disregard for their bodies? That money could be well spent on people who would jump through hoops to be given the chance to carry on living?
Yes the same goes for fat people, which is why I am trying hard to lose weight. I am taking responsibility.
These callers are probably the same people who sit moaning in the waiting rooms about the length of time they had been kept waiting for their appointments. Tough... are you paying private for it? No? Well shut up moaning then. Some of you are there because you have abused your bodies and are still abusing them by lightening up as soon as you get outside.
I hate the fact that people think my disease is smoking related. I also hate the fact that the disease was accelerated by breathing in secondary smoke when working at a pub. What we secondary smokers breathe in is pure nicotine, where what the smoker breathes in, is filtered.
I suffered because of their choice to smoke.
I know I sound bitter, but I am. I am trying so hard to stay alive and to stay well enough to have this transplant, see my grandchildren be born, grow old with my friends etc and these callers were trying hard to excuse themselves because they were stressed.
Yeah right. I'm bloody stressed too.

Rant over. It's safe to come out from cover now.

Lots of love Debbie x