I want a duvet day

Ah bum...

I spoke to my specialist's secretary first this morning and no wonder I haven't heard from Papworth, as my letter hasn't gone to them yet because of the angiogram hold up.
To say that piece of information hit me like a lead balloon was an understatement.
I couldn't even cry, just sat cross legged on my bed in a stunned silence.
Thinking logically, I don't know why I even thought it had gone through as the NHS move at a different pace to the rest of us. But they had the tests results for a while now, so I'm hoping that this delay isn't due to the fact that she has been on holiday for the last week or more and the results or the letter has been sitting there. That would be too cruel.
Ah well brush yourself down and start all over again and again and again.

At least my pension has been paid into the bank, so that's something going right for me. In fact it wasn't even late, just me being thick and not realising that today was actually the last day of the month not yesterday.
The system goes that you get paid on the last day of every month, unless that day falls on a weekend or a bank holiday and then its paid in on the nearest Friday.
So it was a case of me being thick and my brain not working properly again.

Not very chatty today I'm afraid. I just feel like I'm going through the motions today, putting on a brave face and that tonight when the light is turned off and I feel completely on my own, I will probably have a good weep then.

Lots of love Debbie x

For doubting Thomases

Poor old Derek was only back off his holiday for about three hours before I had my first disaster. I have managed for two weeks to keep myself out of trouble and he comes back and disaster strikes.
I knew that 'pre-thank you' DVD of 'The King's Speech' would come in handy before long and today I excelled myself and broke my front door.
I was out the front planting up some herbs and had left the front door on the snib to stop it locking me out, when a gust of wind slammed the door so hard it's a wonder it didn't smash the glass too.
Like an idiot in these windy days, I had also left the back door open and the gust had blown straight through my bungalow, nearly taking my front door off it's hinges and buckling the snib.
So embarrassing to have to call for help that quickly, but I now have a working lock again thanks to my hero.

Things didn't get a lot better as the day went on, as we decided to go to the cinema to see 'Hangover II' this afternoon and I wandered into the wrong auditorium first of all. Next I needed to go to the toilet before the film started and because my brain was a bit squiffy thanks to my oxygen levels being very low again, I kept repeating the screen number 2 to myself so not to make the same mistake on the way back.
I smiled at the young girl on the ticket desk and wanted to say that I was just popping out to the toilet, but unfortunately thanks to my brain being it a muddily, it came out that 'I was just popping out to go to number 2.'
Not sure who was more shocked by that statement!

So anyone out there that have the wrong impression about me and think that I spend my time going here, there and everywhere having fun; Well yes you're right. I do try to, because otherwise I'm giving in to this disease and that ain't going happen just yet.
But believe me, it's hard work just going to the cinema when it feels like you have an elephant sitting on your chest every time you walk and that you have to lean on your friend just to walk a few yards.
Try running like your live depends on it and when you are doubled up trying to get your breath back, that's how I feel when getting dressed in the morning, hanging out my washing, cooking or just doing whatever normal is.
If you laugh at a funny film with a mouthful of coffee, you dribble it out everywhere don't you, well that's me but bringing up a mouthful of phlegm and I envy one of you around me having a real belly laugh.
You know how embarrassing it is when you can't remember the persons name in front of you who you haven't seen for a while. I have that, but just forgetting words in every sentence I make or forgetting what I was saying in the first place. For years I thought that where I had coughed so much and so hard, that my brain had come off it's hinges!
So yes that is why I grab life and go for it and if you have any sense at all, you'd grab every moment too. Life is for living however crap the tools are that you are given to work with.

Lots of love Debbie x

Fighting dragons and guilt trips

Well whether it is psychosomatic or whether the tablets are already beginning to help I don't know, but what I do know is that the phlegm today is a lot looser, so there for coming off my chest easier, the headache although still there isn't as bad and the tiredness comes in waves. So a good call of judgement I hoping.
Probably I've not helped myself by the amount of walking I've done today, but I do feel as if thankfully the proverbial black cloud has lifted a wee bit from over my head.

I was going to sneak off to Hedingham Castle today without taking mother with me this morning. I knew she wouldn't make the walk up the very steep slope to castle. In fact I knew I wouldn't make it either, which is why Greta volunteered to come with me to push me in my wheelchair and very nearly put her own back out in the process. Thank goodness for strapping young men who come to rescue a couple of old damsels in a lot of distress!
I have taken mother to somewhere like that in the past when I could get about easier and I've left her watching something from the comfort of the car while I've done a whistle stop tour around the event. Not very satisfying for either of us and as my sister told me to be like her and to go off to places on a Sunday and stop feeling guilty, I decided to go without her but not tell her. Coward I know!
Besides Greta wouldn't be able to push both of us around and at £12 each for an entry charge, I did not want anyone to be the saddo left sitting in the car.

Anyway before I left, mother phoned and wanted me to come over and sit while she had a shower. Sounds easy peasey I hear people say, but nothing is that straight forward with my mother. Bless her she is a wobbly as Bambi on ice when she stands now, and me complete with oxygen pack on back, had to help dry her.
Now it's an understatement to say I'm not feeling my best at the moment, but she may have looked like Bambi, but I looked just like Nemo flapping about out of water by the time we had finished. I sat on the floor gasping for air and swearing under my breath wondering what the rest of my siblings are doing today.
'Oo I really can't go anywhere today dear,' mother said to me and I had to refrain from punching the air with my fist, 'so we'll go out tomorrow instead.'
Ok I can live with that and guilt cloud removed...Yay!

So I got to go to see the jousters battling each other in the grounds of the castle on their huge powerful horses.
I had a jolly scrummy rabbit burger, a bit of a modern twist on medieval meal, but then rabbits weren't introduced into England till a lot later anyway.
We also had some lovely homemade lemon juice and drank while watching the jester entertaining a lot of under three foot tall children all armed with swords. Have to admit there were quite a few youngsters there that I could see in counselling in years to come with anger issues. The way that the poor old jester was having jump about to save his knee caps was more than any jester should have to do on a sunny Sunday afternoon to earn a crust!
If you thought jousting with big pointy sticks was scary, believe me you'd rather face that then lots of hyped up four to six year olds any day, running towards you with swords slicing through the air!

I felt so much better in myself after my Sunday afternoon out with just Greta and me, that I went back and cooked mother's Sunday roast with a new improved demeanour. A win win situation I think the smart people would say!

Loys of love Debbie x

Tickets please for the treadmill

And I have reason to believe that I'm back on the monotonous treadmill of chest infections.
The evidence; repeat pattern of headaches, extreme tiredness, extra phlegm in a familiar hue of green, they have all presented themselves, but the jury i.e. the respiratory team have a skeleton staff at the office for advice over the weekend, but wouldn't really be able to do anything without a sample.
I will probably get a rollicking for this, but as I had some unopened antibiotics in my medicine chest, I have starting taking them.
The local doctor gave them to me when I had the infection in my nose and eyes, and to take if I thought it was getting worse and spreading into my sinsuses over the Easter holidays. And in my defence, they are sore again so I thought that the Amoxicilin just might take the edge off my chest as well before anything takes hold.
A executive decision.

I had to do something, as I am due to see my specialist on the 8th June and there is no way on earth I am missing that appointment, because I need to know what the hell is going on with my referral to Papworth.
If I'm not well enough to go in to see him, and he sure as hell doesn't do house calls, it could be weeks before I get to see him again and I need answers and I need them now please.
The sentence that he said to me about only having a two year window to do the transplant has engraved it's self into mind. God I hate that term... a window... because all I can see now is a bloody great big egg timer with the sand flowing through it too quickly for my liking and I'm now down to one year and nine months. All that celebrating and hugging in his office has all fizzled down to nothing.

Not only am I waiting for that letter, I appear to be waiting for my payment slip for my pension to arrive too as this month nothing has been paid in.
I had really odd amounts of payments from the benefit people last month, and as they were still trying to make up their minds just how much I'm supposed to be getting, I thought they must be back payments and now this month, nothing from them either.
Is this a conspiracy plan between the NHS and the government to worry me to death so they won't have to do the transplant and then save money? If it is then they are doing a good job on me!
Please if I promise to be good and bite my tongue with mother and go to bed at a reasonable time, can something just be straight forward in my life for once?

Lots of love Debbie x

Cobwebs away

It must be true what they say about your blood getting thinner when you get older, as I have been cold all day again today. Well apart from when I'm having panic attack hot flushes or menopausal hot flushes... Coo isn't it wonderful being a female!
But my nose and my feet at this very moment are freezing and last night in bed my feet were like blocks of ice, so I had to put them under my patchwork quilt which lies at the end of the bed to try and heat them up.
Today I have on socks, my boots, one jumper and a big thick cardigan/coat to keep me warm and it was only Tuesday that we were sitting in the garden sweltering. No wonder we all get colds.

Maldon this afternoon was a bit on the chilly side and even Reni said she felt like sleeping in the car where she was so cozy after eating our picnic.
We decided to brave the elements and go for a walk and get a cup of tea. Mother didn't want to leave the car, which worked out better for me as Reni could push me down the prom to the little tea huts. Otherwise I would have had to rely on my 'go faster' trolley and if I started now, I might have got there by Monday!
Actually it was quite warm there out the wind, but as soon as you stepped out the shielded area, the wind certainly blew away your cobwebs.
With the teas safely encased in a special tray, we decided to walk down to the end of the prom so I could see the statue of Earl Byrhtnoth that I could just make out from the car park and has been tantalising me for months now.
Earl Byrhtnoth was the leader of the Anglo Saxon force who fought the Vikings in the 'Battle of Maldon' 991 AD. He looks a scary fellow, not one that you'd want to meet in a dark alley after closing time!
I'm not that sure that I could walk that far even with the help of my 'go faster' trolley, so having Reni with me today and mother's reluctance to leave the car was a real bonus.
Don't get me wrong, I like taking mother out, but I do rather feel even more disabled than I am, by just having to sit there with her in the car. I'll never forget that moment when I fell asleep once there in the car and when I woke up and looked from left to right, all the OAP car owners were sleeping too. Ooo the horror of being old before my time.

I had my physio at mine today. Sadie came after rehab and I was really pleased to see her as my phlegm has been extra hard to bring up today.
Even Sadie had to work at it to empty my lungs, as it was very thick and there was a hell of a lot down there, so no wonder I have been extremely breathless and tired this week.
I did have to surrender in the end, as I was feeling quite sick from all the retching to empty my lungs out and by the time she left, I needed a rejuvenating sleep.

Ann picked me up later to drive me over to Lynn's in Suffolk, as it was Lyn's turn to cook our Friday night meal, which was very yummy as usual.
Her cottage is lovely inside and out, but the garden was particularly lovely tonight as the garden is just beginning to come out in bloom. The roses over the gate smelt divine in the dark. You are probably more aware of the heavy scent of a night time.
As Lynn goes off on holiday next week, Julie returns and I have really missed her. I'm hoping she caught the cruise liner out of Russia and that they are not making their way home on foot, as I haven't heard from her since!
Where ever you are Julie... I miss you hurry up home!

Lots of love Debbie x

Damp squids all round

Today it was trying it's best to rain, which is much needed by the farmers and I have to admit as someone who gets very tired watering my tubs, for all us gardeners too.
But alas apart from a few squally showers the day turned out to be a grey damp squid.
A bit how I felt really.

To be honest I did rather feel that my mother had hoodwinked me last night into taking her out today. So when I rang to say I was putting the pick up time back an hour because I wasn't firing on all cylinders today, I was pleased when she said she was resting on the bed too.
I'm ashamed to say that I didn't hang about when taking advantage of this information and cajoled her into agreeing it would be better to leave going out until tomorrow as originally planned.
As it turned out my brother and sister-in-law called round to see her and she would have missed out if we were sitting staring out through the car window and rain at some river somewhere, not exactly awe inspiring.

I honestly did feel very unmotivated and lethargic today and for most of the morning I just sat and read my book from the safety of my sofa. Mind you that wasn't a bad thing as I'd already had a telephone call from the Respiratory team first thing about my heart rate being high again on the 'Docobo' reading and I was told to rest up.
It's no good trying to explain this to mother, as she doesn't understand and I really don't want to worry her. But when I did eventually go to the shops and round to hers with all the toilet rolls etc that she desperately wanted, I found enough toilet rolls in her bathroom to service Liverpool Street station toilets for the day!
At that point I had a Reggie Perrin moment of imagining her wrapped up in them like an Egyptian mummy, only tied to the chair!

I went home feeling sorry for myself and crawled back onto the sofa with a cup of tea.
Tomorrow I hope I get my mojo back and that I feel less like a deflated balloon. After all it's Maldon again tomorrow for another picnic... whoopee. Saving grace is Reni is coming so hopefully it won't just be sitting inside a car eating sandwiches, but we may venture out and eat our sandwiches by the river.
Goodness I'm a miserable sod today... so sorry.

Lots of love Debbie x

Look into my eyes....

Not a bad day today, just spent slowly making sure that I got my strength back from yesterday before doing much.
Who would have thought that a day with friends sitting chatting in my back garden in the sunshine would wear me out so much and that I'd have to have a day to recover.
If anyone had told me five years ago that this would be how I would act now, I would have laughed in their faces. Me the original Peter Pan. I was working full time at the university and on a Saturday night working behind the bar of our local and I could still fit in looking after my mother, going out a couple of times a week to either the theatre, meals or just generally enjoying life to the full.
Thank goodness that I did!

Today my day was spent in slow motion. Once I got dressed and after lunch, I got myself into gear all be it a slow gear, I popped down to Cressing Temple to get some ideas of what was going on there throughout the summer.
A Vintage Fayre, Taming of the Shrew and a posh food festival just to name a few things.
I need events in my life to look forward to, always have and more so now as I have no holiday to look forward to.
Next stop was to garden centre to buy another pot for my frontdoor plants, as one of mine fell over in the wind and broke. Of course I got side tracked and brought some more herbs, but I did have some vouchers so not spending too much money in there, hoorah!
I scared some lady while in the herb section. She must have thought my heavy breathing was coming from some rabid dog behind her, as she spun round looking at knee level and was very surprised when she saw me there, an old dog leaning on a trolley full of plants!

So this old dog picked up Reni from work and we headed off for an injection of colour into our lives at our favourite store 'Townrows'.
We had a drink and cake before wandering around the store, just window shopping of course until before I saw some fake tan... Oooo I can look like I've been away on holiday even if I don't go away. And bonus it doesn't stink of chemicals.
Mind you last year when I came home from my freebie holiday in Cyprus, my tan looked like some strange patchwork quilt, as parts of my back had gone a beautiful shade and other parts decided no way. So Reni is in charge of making me an even colour all over so I can wear a dress with bare legs...Bliss.
I then started chatting to the young lady on the make up counter about eye shadows and before I knew it, I was out my wheelchair and propped up on a stool being made up.
I did think that she had done a good job, but it still felt very odd having your eyes fully made up like that. I will buy some of the products eventually, but I wanted to see every one's reaction first.
Ann's was one of 'I know you look different but why?' and as she said my hallway would look like a brothel, she doesn't count anyway!
Mother was totally oblivous to my make up and just carried on telling me she was bored again, so maybe it didn't look over the top?
Beryl and Jacky really liked it and Beryl agreed with me that she wishes she was more adventurous when she went out.
Reni loved it.
I'm still not sure about all of it yet, so we'll see.
When I am feeling worn out etc, it's always a danger period for my purse, so I will try the 48 hour test of do I still want it after that time before I buy. Maybe sun kissed legs with give me the tonic I need at the moment, though a letter would be a better tonic!
Nearly went a whole day without mentioning the letter... sorry folks!

Lots of love Debbie x

A girlie catch up day

Oh Lordy I have turned into my mother!
I knew the day would come and it has finally arrived. I had to throw out my Christmas Poinsettia today as it was looking really rather bedraggled, which was probably down to me when I put it outside the night after the Royal wedding. Why? because I was bored with having a Christmas plant indoors. Hiss I hear you say and quite rightly so.
It turned quite cold that weekend too, plus the poor plant fell over in the wind and I felt like an evil plant killer, so I brought it back indoors to sit where it should rightfully be, on the front room window sill. But alas the poor thing never recovered.
So you see I have turned into my mother as she hates throwing things away and she is a batty as a fruit cake. Today when I had to part with it after it being on my sill since early December, I felt a real cad.
I said goodbye to it and thanked it for looking so lovely for so long, the best £3.50that I have spent in a long while. But I couldn't just put it in the recycling dustbin with no thank yous as I did with my kettle... I had a traumatic nightmare over that episode if you remember where I didn't thank it for it's loyalty, so I did it with a little more decorum this time.

Later I had Sam over for lunch as she is on gardening leave before she starts her next job and we were joined by Susie. Neither Sam or myself have seen her since my retirement party back in November, so it was lovely to catch up with her.
Susie brought her lovely little one, who I haven't met before and he is as gorgeous as his elder brother, who I could have smothered in kisses when I last saw him nearly three years ago.
I cooked them the 'Jamie Oliver' folio parcel meal that I tried out on the girls last Friday and this time although it's supposed to be cooked in 30mins, I took my time and did everything slowly, which is my normal rate of speed anyway, but at least it wasn't as frantic as Friday.
In my case, his cookery book should be renamed 'sometime today or tonight meals,' but it was fab sitting out in the sunshine eating even though we had to grab the parasol a couple of times, which nearly took us off with it in the sudden gusts of wind like Mary Poppins!
With my oxygen tubes around the kitchen and what appears to be naff eye and hand coordination, as I drop everything just lately and the kitchen looks like a disaster area at the best of times, cooking is an adventure and a half anyway.

Whether it was the sunshine beating down on us, the girlie chatting or keeping a watch on the human dynamo which is Susie's baby, I fell asleep on the sofa after they all left.
I did feel very content though as I love having company and catching up with friends. I feel very alive on days like this, even though it takes me a while to recover.
I have come to the conclusion though, that I will not get any answers re; Papworth till I see my specialist on the 8th June, which is not long to wait now. But it's a defence mechanism for myself so I don't feel like a puppy dog which has been kicked after the post has arrived full of junk mail each morning and no letter from Papworth.
I think I would rather go back to the pre-junk mail days when you could go days of not receiving any mail, at least the plopping sound as the letters fall on the floor was one of importance and not crap.
Until then I will take the highs like today along with the lows of the junk mail which is easily forgotten, but my lovely friends aren't. Thank you girls x

lots of love Debbie x

Good cars deserve treats

I'm beginning to get a tad fed up of this habit of late nights or early mornings before being able to fall off to sleep.
If I was out in Turkey on holiday then fine no problem. Many the time I came home as the sun was rising and I had the good sense to make friends with the kitchen staff at our hotel, who would always put a plate of tasty rolls by for me for when I did surface. Probably they did this, because I was out dancing the night away with half the staff in the first place!
But now my late nights involve me reading a good book and drinking chamomile tea, Ooo how the rock chics have fallen!
I have always been a night owl and a late riser if I can get away with it, but this is now getting silly.

Perhaps I should tell my worries to my Mexican worry dolls again that Reni and Oliver brought me from their holiday a few years back to Mexico, as I can't keep whingeing about the letter again to you as you've heard it on a daily basis for the last two weeks now.
Telling my woes to the worry dolls really helped when my life seemed very hopeless thanks to a rather large personal problem when I was living in my lovely little cottage at Braintree. But after a while, when I opened the bedside cabinet drawer to get the dolls out of a night time, I swear I could see the box trembling with them inside. In fact I used to find them under the bed and in all sorts of strange places, where I think they were trying to make a break for it!
Nah the poor little things have done their time.
I am trying to remember the 'serenity prayer' about trying not to fret about things out of your control and it does make perfect sense and it does help, but obviously no one has told my night time brain yet. So I'll have another Pimms that may help knock me out.

I decided to give my car a treat today and not only had it washed outside by the very nice men in Braintree, but they thoroughly cleaned the inside too.
I have a malicious bird that sits in the tree above where I park my car and it loves nothing more than to crap on my car and where all the cherry blossom has now fell off the same tree, it sticks to your shoes and I have a habit of walking it into my poor car and then it sticks in turn to the carpet.
But today it looks and smells like new, as they did a wonderful job. One good turn deserves another and my car is my life line to get me about, so it deserves a treat in the car world version of a beauty spa.

Today I felt extremely breathless and I'm not sure why. Just felt like some large hand was constricting my air ways and in turn making my air flow a lot harder.
So everything was done on a go slow again. Things get done, just take a lot longer.
Patience dear Deborah. Hell by the time I get my new lungs, I could become a nun with all the patience I've learnt.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep making my lungs work harder, I don't know, but what I do know is I'm very tired.

Lots of love Debbie x

Patience is very hard work

A late finish last night for me, in fact it was nearly 2.30am again before I actually felt ready for sleep. I can't remember falling asleep at all yesterday in the afternoon, so I'm not sure why sleep eluded so well last night, but I have a sneaky feeling that waiting for this letter from Papworth is in the back ground and playing games with my subconscious.
Needless to say I didn't get up very early, in fact I just laid there listening for ages. I listened to the birds singing outside, the neighbours cutting back the Russian vine's escaping tendrils on their side of the fence and a football match going on in the playing field behind our gardens.
If I'm feeling unsure of life, just listening to life going on from my bed is always a calming influence for me.

I had to take my mother out as promised, but she didn't want to go to Maldon as planned today, but out for a meal somewhere. I had to try and think where we could go without either of us walking too far and I settled on the one that Oliver went to last Sunday. We've been there before, but ages ago and it was good then.
And bonus we got to go past St Peter's and St Paul's church which was having it's annual flower festival this weekend.
Every year I promise myself that I will go after I've seen the bill boards advertising it on my way to and from work and I always miss it every year, but today we had to go past the church to get to the restaurant. Yay!
Quick detour and a quick look around the church on my own as mother didn't want to get out the car.
Two things I love are churches and looking at flower arrangements in churches, so I was a happy bunny. There is something so calming about contemplating flower arrangements in the stillness of a church, it was my favourite part of doing wedding flowers for friends and families when I was fit and able. I get a real buzz from it and I loved doing Oliver and Reni's wedding flowers last year.
My mind always has a habit of going to ten to the dozen and full of nothing of any use really, but when I was arranging the floral displays, I used to feel so tranquil and at ease.
It was the first time I have ever been inside St Peter's and St Paul's church, which is a rather sweet church in the middle of a field and I was not disappointed.

This evening mother, Reni and myself went back to the Congregational church to listen to the visiting Gospel choir. It was the first time that I had ever heard them, but mother was quite a fan of them from when she used to go to the 'Friendship Club' in the village hall and she really liked hearing them sing. Plus she had a real soft spot for the visiting minister and leader of the choir who also had a powerful voice and played the electric piano.
It is hard on my nerves sitting next to mother at functions like these, as she is rather like taking a naughty child out and you never quite know what she is going to say at inappropriate times. According to my mother, every man who smiles at her or is kind to her, apparently 'fancies' her and I was waiting for that little gem to come out in the middle of the 'Lord's Prayer!'
Luckily it didn't, but other little gems alas did, but we coped and covered them as best as we could and we were able to enjoy the service, come concert ourselves.
Blimey how the tables have now turned full circle.

I'm hoping that some of the two churches calmness has rubbed off on to me today and that this week ahead will be a bit easier for me.
I hate being so snappy. It does me no favours at all and all week I have been searching for something to help me calm down the anxiety I'm feeling inside me.
Stress equals shortage of breath, chest pains, getting rundown and ultimately bloody nasty chest infections that knock you off your feet and I'm too close to my goal to let that happen to me.
Everything comes to those who wait, maybe in my case thanks to the NHS and the Royal Mail, I might have to wait a bit longer, but it will come.

Lots of love Debbie x

I have some humble pie please!

Today I have been eating a couple of servings of humble pie as yesterday I was a bad daughter yet again.
I didn't mean to be as the day had started off really well with me listening to an old Maurice Chevalier song about counting your blessings every morning when you wake up and I thought 'yep, it's about time I started doing that again.'
This despondent feeling every morning when the letter from Papworth has failed to materialised on my doorstep again has got to stop, as it really isn't doing my spirits any good.
I always thank my guardian angels every night for three good things that I have seen or done each day and it does keep me grounded, even if you are probably now thinking I've have taken too many drugs! But even if you don't believe in guardian angels, just saying out loud 'thank you' for that day's good things, it really does help you feel peaceful and I had lost sight of that.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I can be an angry person at times, so anything that can help me I'm very willing to try.
I'm not a happy clappy person, but I do believe that you get out of this life what you put in and being nice doesn't cost a bean.

Anyway, back to me being a bad daughter came after I had a very pleasant morning drinking coffee with Jean in my back garden, which is quite a suntrap. After Jean left, I wandered across to mother's to see her and spend some time with her as usual before going off to do some shopping for us and she had a 'woe is me' mood on her.
Now I realise she is 93 and has every right to be grumpy with life if she wants, but it was rather aimed at me about how lucky I was and as Maurice Chevalier hadn't quite kicked in yet, I found my blood pressure rising.
Now I am always arranging for my friends to mend things around mother's bungalow as I can't do as much now for obvious reasons.
I also try and take her out at least twice a week to Maldon for a picnic, lunch at a garden centre or just a ride, but it wasn't enough and she pointed out that I was always going somewhere or having something done for me.
Mmmm usually going to the hospital, but yes I am lucky with my circle of friends, but as I pointed out I was only 54 and I should be out enjoying myself if I can, while I can.
There was then some catty remarks from mother and some heated replies from me.
I really hadn't realised just how cranky and wound up I had been getting myself over this elusive letter, which ended up with me wanting to cry as I felt a real heel for being angry and frustrated with her.
We had made up before I left and I stayed with her an hour longer than I was going to, but I still felt like the worst daughter in history.
So today, I cut and blow dried her hair and promised to take her out again tomorrow down to Maldon, which she loves and she can wave to all the old boys sailing their model ships on the boating lake and again at night to hear some singer performing at the church who always made a fuss about her.
Treble helpings of humble pie!

This morning though for me was very pleasant as Reni and myself went to the 'Scarecrow Mania' day at the Congregational church to see all the various clubs scarecrow entries and there were some really amazing ones in all shapes and guises.
There will be some very glamorous fields around the village that's for sure!
It was good though to catch up with people that I haven't seen for a while over a cup of coffee and a slice of cake. And a real surreal moment was when a drink was served up to Reni's friend in a mug with a picture of Silver End school printed on it, which was designed by my eldest son when he was eleven which twenty two years ago now!
I also brought a lovely water colour of the church itself from a lady that I knew there to send to Reni's mum in readiness for Reni and Oliver first wedding anniversary.
We thought it would be an interesting talking point on her wall back home in Hungary when she explains to her friends that this was where her daughter got married in England.
It was a perfect community day in the village, as there was a plant sale outside the Co-op run by the Gardening Club and a fun sports day for the children at the school as well, so there was quite a lot of people milling about to catch up with. And the sun was shining bonus!

So I will have lots of things to say thank you for again tonight and all negative thoughts were nearly banished today thankfully.

Lots of love Debbie x

Two meals no dashing

I didn't bother getting up early today, not that my normal 9.30am start to the day is early, but as I had to have my blood test for my cholesterol levels, I thought it would be better to avoid all food and cups of tea and stay in bed for as long as possible.
Actually missing breakfast is really easy as it takes me so long messing about while I do my drugs, taking my blood pressure and keying in the results and answering the questions into my docobo before I even think about breakfast anyway.
I know breakfast is supposed to be the most important meal of the day, but mine is more like... brunch, so I don't know whether that counts in the significant meal stakes?

I had a nice leisurely shower and got myself ready before tootling off to St Michael's just before midday to queue with the rest of the masses in Braintree for blood tests and actually I was cheerfully surprised. The screen in the waiting room showed number 87 and I was 98, plus there were three vampires, sorry blood takers working. Result!
After I had spent a penny and read a few pages of my new book, my number came up and the very nice man got my blood out on the first attempt. No moaning at me for having little veins and no bruising. Hopefully I'll get him again.

I was in such a good mood when I got back, that I felt ready to have a go at changing the sheets on my bed on my own and I potted up another four garden planters.
Yay I am a goddess! All be it a goddess that has to take a break after changing the pillow cases, another after changing the bottom sheet and a lie down after changing the duvet and then a rest on the kitchen floor before putting the dirty linen in the washing machine... god being a domestic goddess is a killer!
I do wish I could be like my mother and sleep in the same position all the way through the night and wake up with my bed looking barely crumpled.
Me; I roll about all night looking for a cool spot and wake up looking like a tornado has gone through my bedroom and tied me up in my oxygen tubes for good measure.
I don't know the difference between menopausal hot flushes and the lung disease night sweats, but if I say anything about my restless nights to my specialist, he does the 'strokey beard' look and gravely says 'ah yes the night sweats, common with a pseudomona' so he must know which is which?

A treat again tonight as I went out with the girls from Learning Support tonight to finally celebrate Emma leaving to go and work with the NHS. She left quite a while back, but she was ill the last time we were all meeting up, in fact we still all went to the comedy club without the main lady herself!
On a personal note, I was really pleased with myself as this was the second meal in a row and no sign at all of the Saturday bowels revolt, although I could see that the toilet in both restaurants were within dashing distance.
I suppose tomorrow it will be back to salads and a push to try and lose weight.

Lots of love Debbie x

I'm paranoid... who said that?

I have realised that every morning about 11am, apart from Sundays that my spirit drops, only momentarily but it drops all the same and then it is closely followed by paranoia.
The reason?
My postman has been and no letter from Papworth Hospital again.
Ok I realise that the doctors there have to have all the test results in front of them from my specialist before they ask to see me to discuss the transplant and have only just got the angiogram results.
That maybe the outbreak of D&V at Broomfield hospital might have held up my angiogram appointment and put the date back which had held up everything else, after all it did make TV news.
But when you are waiting for something so important to arrive, you suddenly start looking for reasonable explanations for why you haven't heard, because the other option is too scary for words.
I've always been the same even when waiting for things to materialise, I need to know why. The fact that some wheels turn more slowly isn't a good enough reason for Pollyanna in me.

Today though, I heard from my local doctor that I have to have a blood test done asap, as the results that of the angiogram that I gave her early LAST week, show that I have mild coronary disease. Where did that come from as the doctor in the hospital told me that they were fine?
Why don't doctors all sing from the same song sheet?
I now have to have a blood test for cholesterol. So is this the reason that I haven't heard from Papworth? Will it be enough to hold my transplant up?
In 2006 I had a cholesterol level of 3.5 which is very good, but now I have gained weight and not doing all the walking that I used to do, so it could be a lot higher? Though I think my diet is good?
No wonder I'm paranoid!

Tonight I did treat my friend who did all my decorating for me to a good meal at a lovely restaurant which I haven't been to in ages.
He is a vegetarian so he is built like a whippet, but I'm a carnivore and built like the back of a bus! But sure I ate as healthily as him tonight.
Asparagus for starters, slow roasted belly pork for main so ok not so healthy, but no dessert which is as per normal for when I'm eating out just lately and just still water and green tea to wash it all down.
Jacket potato for lunch and only a couple of complimentary squares of chocolate with this evening's meal to give my sweet tooth a treat.
Nearly every mouthful I felt guilty about eating... notice I said nearly, at those prices I wasn't going to feel much remorse!
Hopefully tomorrow will be the day that a letter from some doctor at some hospital will arrive and I will know something about something rather than trying to guess what's happening. Because believe me, my imagination can run wild and at the moment I'm guessing that the postman is an ex boyfriend and he is holding my letter back on purpose as an act of revenge, or that the letter has fell out of his bag and is lying under a hedge where is blown from a gust of wind from a passing car or........!

Lots of love Debbie x

Good luck Sam!

A bit of a special day today and an end to a special relationship, not between two people but between Sam, myself and Anglia Ruskin University as Sam left Student Services too today. The double act as we were called no longer exists.

You probably know the story by now, but for those who don't, we were at the same interview and have worked together for eleven years side by side on the information desk. Not the same desk I hasten to add or even in the same building or on the same campus. We've had three desks and god knows how many bosses through the years, at one point I think everyone thought they were our bosses!
They all came with big ideas and went off to some other Uni and the people we started with remained and just carried on regardless till the next boss came along.
But we worked so well together, bouncing off of each other from when we first started on Central Campus and that's when it was a real students centre to now when we were over run with rather joyless bosses, who in my humble opinion rather lost the meaning of what we were about.
We have dressed up for charity, organised pancake races and were famous for our donut days! We were invited to different events and were always there for the students.
We did have one boss, who really got the ethos of the centre and made us feel worthy, but she left for pastures new too.
Still nothing stays the same and today Sam left to start again at the Council.

The Council workers will gain a real caring colleague, one who carried me through my last stressful year at ARU when work was really getting difficult and tiring for me.
Who was caring enough to know that bending or stretching to get files made me breathless and rearranged all the shelves in our cabinet, so things were easily assessable for me.
Who knew that I couldn't do certain things anymore, but was ashamed to admit it, so did the things without a word.
She knew when to cuddle me and when not to say anything. She would cover for me when I needed it, especially when I was dead on my feet.
She was there with me at the court when I was made bankrupt just after my divorce and always gave me the 'look' if I was being a pain in the arse moaning about something trivial.
Of course we would have our moments when we just wanted to strangle each other, but they only lasted for a very short time. We were the stars signs that shouldn't get on, but weirdly we did!
She was the girl I stood in front of when a student went berserk shouting at her when she was pregnant and I would have laid him out rather than see her hurt, but I wasn't allowed to on 'bosses orders!'
She was the girl that I had secrets with and we could easily giggle all day long about everything.
She was my little sis who I never had and who I love to bits.

We walked out the doors of Tindal building today together, just like we did on the day I retired, the double act will be no more I'm afraid.
Good luck Sam in your new job, all the best xx

Lots of love Debbie x

My turn will come

I do wonder just how on earth I actually fitted in working full time in my daily routine, as it seems to take me longer and longer to get out the front door in the morning just lately.
Ok, maybe, just maybe if I got up before 9.30am I might kick start my day earlier, but as I rarely go to bed before 1am and then read for ages, I really can't see the appeal in early mornings.
But I was on a mission today to colour my hair and get to the shops to do my weekly shop before lunchtime, especially as I had messed up on the Internet shopping front again and only had a fridge left full of odd things like red chilli's, onions and peanut butter. Nothing that you could add together and make an actual meal, well not unless you wanted to puke violently afterwards and as I had spent all Saturday on the loo, I wasn't taking anymore chances!
Nor will I buy too much and try killing myself carrying it from the car.

Julie popped round just after I had got out the shower, which was lovely to see her. Bless her she is going on holiday on Wednesday and it's a bit of a sad moment for us. I usually go away with them and with another friend so poor long suffering Derek doesn't have to endure a gaggle of middle aged women all the time, but looks like this year I will be grounded.
I'm worried that Julie is suppressing her excitement of the forthcoming cruise because she doesn't want to upset me.
My darling Julie, I want you to go and have a fab time, please stop beating yourself up ok. XXxx Go and annoy Derek for me and Ooo bring me back a gorgeous Swede or Russian!

Holidays and transplants are a bit of a sticky wicket really, so if there is anyone out there with advice, please tell.
If I had realised that I wouldn't have even had the letter from Papworth to go and see them by now, then Ann and myself could have probably gone on Wednesday to the Baltic. But saying that, I do believe married couples should have quality time with their spouses however entertaining pushing me about against my better judgement on top deck of a cruise liner in a force nine gale or watching some knob head kidnap me and use me as a bowling ball just to get to the front of a queue in Spain!
I don't even know whether you are allowed to go on holidays if you are on the list or what?
Mind you the idea of flying again after last years fiasco, leaves me shuddering with horror.
Or trying to sort out insurance with some dip stick asking if you will be going rock climbing or white water rafting while you are there after you explaining you are on full term oxygen... duh no!
Or sorting out your oxygen supply so you can breathe in another country.
You need a bloody holiday to just get over that little lot!
I think I will be settling for a cottage with a hot tub for the weekend in the next county, smuggling out my oxygen concentrator etc, a crate of Pimms and my fab girlie friends who are my support team!

I did hear about another blogger today who is waiting for a double lung transplant too, so I googled her and she sounds so sweet with a wicked sense of humour. She 20 years old and she suffers from cystic fibrosis. Anyone who would like to look at her blog, it's kerryalexxx.blogspot.com. It would be good if we could swap advice as she's from Ipswich and hopefully will be at Papworth too. Fingers crossed.

So my plans went a bit awry today and I didn't get as much as I wanted to do, never mind but in the words of Rhett Butler 'Tomorrow is another day'... or was it Scarlet O'Hara who said it????

Lots of love Debbie x

Round one for me today

Feeling a lot better today, but I didn't think it would be worth the risk of straying too far from the safety of my bathroom, so all weekend plans of going to cinema, food fair and lunch out were put on hold.
I did sleep well and as I knew I wouldn't be expected to take mother out anywhere for lunch today, I did have a nice lie in... that was until I saw a big spider on my bedroom curtains and had to take evasive action.
I was very surprised that my blood pressure and stats weren't more all over the place than they were after I caught the varmint and threw him out the window!
I don't like killing spiders if I can help it, but I am petrified of them and sometimes when I'm knackered and my oxygen lead gets stuck, then I'm afraid there are casualties, but not today.

I am quite pleased with myself that I wasn't totally useless today and managed to restock my plant pots for their new summer look and trim any wayward tendrils of next doors 'Russian Vine,' that reminds me of something from a 'Dr Who' episode, stretching out to grab and strangle you as you walk past to hang out your washing.
I have no idea just how the planters will come out when they bloom, as I started flagging somewhat and just shoved the plants in any old how in the end. Still that's how I do them most years come to think about it and they turn out alright!
I do have to get a couple more boxes from the nursery tomorrow, as I've still three more planters to do yet, but I had run out of plants and energy.

Tonight I even sat and altered the shoulder line on my new maxi dress. Goodness me, I'm a regular little Dobbie the house elf today.
I may have to do quite a bit of altering on my clothes soon, as I am such a weird shape at the moment. I've got very round shoulders and I'm not exactly an eighteen and not exactly a sixteen, just a blob on slim legs really. But I do hate anything feeling tight across my diaphragm or anything that restricts my breathing at all.
A pop up tent would be brilliant really for my shape!

While I sat sewing like the domestic goddess that I am, I was watching the programme 'Secret Millionaire', always guaranteed to make me cry and this was to prove no disappointment.
This episode was about a young Asian heiress and she was so sweet especially when she was taken away from her circle of pretentious rich young friends, but what really stuck in my mind was one of the places she volunteered at, a nursing home for the elderly with dementia.
It was hearing again from the professionals about music bringing the elderly alive, and this group were singing and dancing along to 'We'll meet again' and 'Pack up your troubles' etc as normal.
It struck me, what will they be playing when I'm old and in a home? I can see my sister's generation, she in the 60- 70 bracket, having the 'Beatles' and 'Dusty Springfield' songs being played, but holy shit would I get 'Steps' or the 'Birdie song?'
Kill me now please!
Would look amusing, me in my care home for the criminally insane at 80 (I should wish) still on oxygen dancing to 'Smack my bitch up' or 'Schools Out' in my slippers.
Now there's a thought!

Lots of love Debbie x

Excuse me.. out my way

Well I felt pretty grim when I went to bed last night. I had burning hot skin, especially my face which was bright red, but I was freezing cold and had to snuggle up under the duvet.
Believe me that's an all time first, as I'm usually as hot as hell in bed and I'm not talking about my sex life, I think hell will freeze over before I strike lucky again!
Anyway, it seemed I had every right to feel grim as it transpired.

I felt okish when I woke up, a bit weary and running a marathon wouldn't be in my top ten favourite things to do, but that's the norm for me. I got showered and dressed, but I changed my clothes I don't know how many times as I was going out for lunch with Sam and Jean, but I couldn't seem to get warm and nothing looked right on me, even all my new outfits.
We got to the restaurant, a personal favourite of mine that Sam really wanted to try, The Pattiswick Compasses where Oliver and Reni had their wedding and before I had even got out the car, I had griping pains in my stomach that had come from nowhere.
Seems that the lower back pains that I was suffering with since Wednesday, which I suspect was constipation thanks to last Friday, had decided to do something about curing it's self and oh boy did it.
I was back and forward to the toilet nonstop.

I hate it when that happens, as I'm sure everyone in the restaurant is counting how many times you go. Especially the ones sitting on route to the toilets, which by now seem at least a mile walk.
I know I would have made a comment to my friends by now if I was watching somebody frequenting the toilets as much as I was.
I just wanted to sit and chat to the girls, but I couldn't relax because I was waiting for the next lot of griping pains and that dread that I might not make it to the toilet in time.

The discharge notes from the hospital said that you would have a day up to 10 days afterwards, when your face could swell or come out in a hot rash which was what happened last night and that you must pass the dye via urinating (no problem as I drink enough water for the whole of Great Britain)and excreting. Now that movement I've been too frighten to do properly in case I popped my cap in my artery when I pushed and this was the result... hello , it's now bursting point and I've now a bum on fire!

My punishment for not realising that I had a problem, was to have to stay in tonight feeling awful, laying on the sofa and watching the 'Eurovision' competition while feeling sorry for myself and 'Blue' as they didn't do as well as they should have, but hey we all know the voting is rigged.
My back no longer hurts... bonus and thanks to a bath, my bum has cooled down too.
Hopefully some good has come from it and that I have lost some weight, now that would be lovely.

I think time for bed now with a cup of chamomile and a huge dose of self pity!

Lots of love Debbie x

A bit of a party pooper day

Sometimes my own stupidity beggars belief.
I'm not feeling on top form this week. I think that not doing anything at the weekend has left me feeling even more lethargic than normal and to prove that I am Debbie Burden, who can conquer everything and still make dinner for friends, I went into 'I'm still me' mode.
And guess what? I can't conquer sod all.

I started my day yesterday by getting the shopping for mother and myself. Tried not to buy too much as still have to be careful when carrying anything too heavy.
I took the shopping to mothers and said I'd be back as I had a massage booked just after lunch and I wanted to put up my new bedroom curtains first. Odd how heavy a pair of curtains are, sneaky little buggers!
I'm not good at keeping my arms above my head for any length of time and it took me two attempts with long rests in between at getting old ones down and new ones up.

I then had my massage and then as I had enough of mother's complaining about her front door curtain rail sticking, I gave up and decided to go and buy another for her. But of course I just had to buy the two for price of one compost bags that were winking at me seductively as you entered the building and a new pot for the rose bush that Reni brought me and some more plants for hanging baskets.
The trolley was larger than I thought and the mornings great plans of not having anything too heavy went straight out the window now as I battled with the trolley. By the time I had put all the stuff in the car, my groin where I have the cap on the artery where I had the angiogram, was really hurting.

I limped back to mother's and checked that nothing had burst, but as I sat there in her front room, I realised that this was not a good day for mother.
I had to listen to her same moaning that I hear everyday and realised that I needed to get home and be alone.
I sat and cried, while feeling terribly sorry for myself.
I ain't super woman so why do I try and behave like one?

Today I have tried to go steady and have lunch with Reni and Lynn, between resting, but it doesn't pan out like that.
Somehow instead of resting I went back to mother's who still wasn't in a happy place and I know it sounds terrible, but I didn't have the patience today.
I'm not sure what is wrong, but I'm fluctuating from being very hot and then very cold, but my skin is burning. I'm hoping that is hot skin is one of the things that could happen within the first 10 days after having the angiogram, cured by taking an antihistamine, unless of course that you haven't had a glass of wine, where you have to suffer it out instead... bum.
I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll wake up and it will be happy bunnies all around. Yeah right.

Lots of love Debbie x

I am a shopping warrior apprentice

Blimey that's twice in less than a week that I have had my heart doing weird things.
On Friday thanks to a doctor poking about with a NHS version of dynarod and tonight watching the film 'Attack the block', very funny, but I actually left my seat twice when the scary bits caught me unawares!
Thank goodness I wasn't eating popcorn, as I and the first three rows would be wearing it or worse, I'd be choking on it... damn those scary monkey things had lulled me into false pretensions by masquerading as comedy scary monkey things.
Good film though as the dialogue was really witty. A great British film highly recommendable...hell we're good at making comedy films!

I was quite chuffed with myself today. I had been advised by the doctor to do gentle exercise such as walking to stop myself from dropping down dead with a blood clot after Friday's procedure, so I decided to combine my exercise regime with a bit of retail therapy and to walk around Freeport with the help of my 'go faster walker' and my friend luring me into different shops.
Excellent, hopefully the blood clot crisis adverted and only had to rest up a few times while walking round.
Plus I actually went home with a bargain dress and some bargain new floor length and fully lined curtains for my bedroom, costing me a mere snip of only £37 in a sale with a discount on top.
Hoorah... I am a bargain hunter warrior and I am slowly ticking off the boxes on the 'make Debbie's bungalow her dream home' shopping list.
Obviously the dress is needed for wandering around my fab bungalow when I'm pouring Pimms and serving cupcakes to my fab friends in the summer!
Just got to get to grips of not crossing my legs when sitting down eating said cupcakes, (and my new lungs) and I should be the model of perfect health... eventually!

I may have a crap body in health, and shape come to that, but at least I don't have a crap opinion of myself.
I have just watched the first two episodes of 'The Apprentice' which I love, but once again the people who are competing for the title are absolute arrogant dorks. Was I ever that full of shit when I was their age?
Some of the rubbish that tumbles out their mouths is just extraordinary. 'Why is the sky the limit, if there are footsteps on the moon?', 'I eat and sleep work, work is my life', 'I don't have time for maybes, I am made of steel and crush those in my way'.
Wouldn't it be refreshing to say that you are actually a very nice person who just happens to be a rather good business person who can bring out the best in people, rather than scowling nonstop and trying to look well hard all the time?
Great programme to shout at the TV though!

Lots of love Debbie x

Posh frocks and doctor's letters

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey as the old saying goes. I don't know whether that is the saying I'm looking for as I had been on a go slow now since Friday, but it seems to have worked.
Sunday was a day just spent sitting on my bum basically apart from a very slow and cautious walk over to my mother's bungalow.
I wasn't going to win any races that was for sure!

Today was a different day all together, as I went to Witham to have a shopping trip with Julie.
Julie is going off on a cruise holiday in less than a couple of weeks now and she needed some posh frocks. Ok not needed as such, but we all like some new clothes for our hols don't we.
I know she was pushing me about in the wheelchair, but I drove which meant putting a bit of effort on my right leg, which was where all the action from the angiogram took place and it all felt fine which was a result.
It was good to have her there in the car as back up as you soon lose your confidence.

I do feel a bit tender like I've walked into a table corner or something similar, but that's all. Actually my foot feels worse than my crotch tonight, but that's where I knocked my telephone table over, straight down my leg and onto my foot.
Air slightly on the blue side!
I walked over to mother's again and this time the journey was far less arduous thankfully.
It's amazing how if you haven't done anything for a couple of days, how tired and out of puff you feel, but I could feel myself getting stronger as the day went on.

I took my letter from the hospital to my doctors with the angiogram results after our mini shopping trip.
I felt a bit of an idiot, as I had to explain to the receptionist that the letter wasn't actually addressed to my doctor as I couldn't spell her name and I had to go for the one I could spell under pressure!
I did explain that I was just about to walk into the theatre on Friday (yes you have to walk into the theatre and believe me, you feel like Marie Antoinette going to have her head chopped off!) and low and behold my doctors details were totally wrong, like in the totally wrong county wrong. Being dyslexic and trying to keep myself calm wasn't helping my brain to spell and the nurses said I needed a correctly spelt name for the records... the brutes... so pick a doctor any doctor.
I needn't have worried when handing over the said letter, because even the receptionists in the doctors surgery couldn't agree on the correct spelling!
Anyway another task done and dusted.

Lots of love Debbie x

Head up time

My youngest son made a very conscientious carer last night, although I was a bit concerned when I asked him this morning if he heard me when I got up to spend a penny at 5am and his answer was no.
Could have been a bit worrying if I had have keeled over in the bathroom, but I'm sure he would have heard me eventually.
I did sleep very well, but whether I slept with my leg straight as ordered before leaving the hospital, I sincerely doubt it as you have no control as to how you lay when you are in a deep slumber however many promises you give the nurses.

I did have a shower today which was absolute bliss and I was able to wash away any lingering blood. Julie was there to dry me down, as that has got to be the task that takes it out of me the most. I sat there like a little old lady perched on the edge of the bath while she dried me and added moisturiser to my dry old skin.
I did check my wound site and apart from a couple of pinpricks and the smallest amount of bruising, it looks amazingly well.
So much for the armpit to knee bruising that they said I could end up with. Normally I only have to look at something that I could bump into and I end up with a huge bruise. I get a muscle bound doctor pumping in a length of NHS dynarod into my arteries and zilch.
Not that I want to be bruised, but my body is a mystery to me as my brain is a mystery to everyone else!
I do however feel very tired, but unable to sleep today.
My chest is a little tender and my crotch is itching where my pubic hair has already started to grow back.
I am a bit tender around the entry site, but only if I have been walking around the bungalow a bit too much and however sore your bum gets from sitting with your leg up, it is preferable to the dull ache you get from having it down for too long.
Thank you nurse Julie and nurse Oliver for your care.
I have had a brandy tonight and had my shower, so I can sleep a happy bunny tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x

I did it!

YES! I am the proud owner of clear arteries, ok lung pressure and a good heart. Well there was ever any doubt that I didn't have the latter, a good heart, but after having the NHS version of dyna rod shoved through my arteries and around my heart chambers, I now have it in black and white and all officially stamped. Oh baby, one step closer to the transplant.

It was a lot less traumatic thankfully then I thought it was going to be, but a lot more bloody especially when putting cannula's in my ever depleting veins and then taking the long tubing out my groin afterwards.
One blood soaked pillow and pair of NHS sheets and one pair of ruined brand new M&S white knickers.
And my worse nightmare, the nurse that was assigned to look after me was lo and behold one of our ex students. Thank goodness I am not still working there, as trying to look at someone after they've had their fingers on your groin looking for a pulse and having to lean on them while they pulled your knickers up, could have been a tad embarrassing when they next came in for an appointment!

All very interesting though watching the wire going through my heart etc on the operating theatre screens. The nurse said I was very laid back through the whole procedure, which I never thought in a million years that I would be and especially when I thought I had wee'd myself halfway through the wire going up to my heart. Luckily it wasn't wee, god knows what it was, but I had kept my dignity, well as much as you can laying on a bed with legs a kimbo and flashing your very bald privates to men who haven't even brought you a drink first!
Why are the doctors for things like this always good looking?????

My friends have been fab looking after me, so thank you girls for all your running about after me. And my son, bless him will never be the same after having to take off my knickers and dispose of the ruined pair.
The last time he saw my crotch that close and personal, he was coming out of it thirty years ago!

I really need a drink (and I guess he does too), but I can't have anything stronger than tea... bummer.
But it's done, so in Buzz Lightyear's immortal words... to infinity and beyond!

Lots of love Debbie x

Coronary angiogram here I come

I now have the most glitzy hallway in the world thanks to my friend Andrew. Ok slight exaggeration, but even my friend Ann, who said it would like a brothel had to concede that it looks good!
Purple and silver is not to every one's taste I admit, especially not Ann's, but I love it and I think it looks pretty damn good, in fact I can't stop going into the hall to admire it.
Linda Barker eat your heart out!

It did me good having Andrew in all day doing the decorating, as I didn't have time to brood about tomorrow. I had to go out and get food shopping in case I can't get out for a while, but didn't want to abandon Andrew, so I came back and chatted to him while he worked.
I also had physio at mine in the afternoon with a pep talk from Hannah about tomorrow and a good luck cuddle.
Also non stop good luck phone calls, then Lynn and Ann called round to see me and we put the world to rights as normal.
Lastly followed by my bath, where once again I presumed the 'Parking the bike' pose with my bum even further up in the air, as this time I had my forearms and boobs in the water to try and keep warm while letting my antibacterial soap do it's stuff. After all it is another chilly night out there.

I do hope that I get the letter from Papworth pretty soon after this procedure, as my two year window is now down to one year and two months, not that I'm counting.
Yes I am slightly anxious, but my specialist did rather give us the impression that it would all happen fairly quickly once the ball started rolling.
And anyway if there wasn't this element of impending doom hanging over my head all the time, then it wouldn't be so bloody breathtakingly and tear jerking, amazing when I do get my new organs.
Anything worth having is worth a struggle to make the victory all the sweeter.
Still, I have my bag packed ready for tomorrow as advised in case they have to admit me overnight for anything. My bag is packed complete with new pjs and new slippers. And I am now hairless below as I couldn't see what I was doing thanks to my stomach being in the way and in a right two and eight, plus I got extremely puffed out trying to contort myself into different positions trying to shave it neatly.
Oh where has that agile woman of two years ago disappeared to?!
So now off to bed for a rather indecently early alarm call.
Wish me luck.

Lots of love Debbie x

Heads and tails

Get me... I was in bed before midnight last night. All be it only about two minutes before twelve, but at least I was settled in bed with my cup of chamomile tea and a good book before the witching hour.
I think it turned so cold last night, that it was either snuggle up in bed or put my heating back on.

It wasn't a great deal warmer this morning either.
I will be so relieved when Friday morning actually arrives now and I won't have to stand just outside my shower covered in this special antibacterial body and hair wash for three minutes to lessen my chances of contracting MRSA while having the mini op.
I know three minutes doesn't sound very long, but you try standing there still wet from a quick soaking and getting colder by the second in a already cold bathroom, covered in these suds counting to 180 very quickly so you can get back under the hot shower.
I tried the bath today, thinking if I knelt in the water on all fours, having my knees, feet and hands in hot water just might trick my body into thinking it's warm all over and be able to count to 180 at a proper speed.
Nearly worked, but I won't be sorry to not have to do this again. I would hate to think if a burgler picked that very moment to break in, with my bum in the air and a face covered in suds.
I also tried to shave my groin area in readiness today, how humiliating. If you think I am thin haired on my head, well... In fact things never did grow back properly after I had the kids and it now looks like a very straggly set of flying ducks in a V formation. Now I've had one side shaved off I look so stupid. Bugger it, the lot can come off tomorrow!

Had to take mother to the doctors today about her toe. She was not best pleased with me and slammed the phone down on me first thing.
Unfortunately she has to go as she has a build up of dry skin on one toe, which looks very sore and if we're not careful that could go nasty again.
And since she told the last doctor that came round that there was nothing wrong with her walking and balance, I needed the head doctor to see that actually, she is very wobbly on her pins, so please can we have home visits again without me feeling like I'm trying to pull a flanker?
Of course she was all smiles with him and I did wonder what it would be like if my mother was actually Queen Elizabeth?
I know mother is a lot older than the Queen by eight years, but she has been a flirt for as long as I can remember. I can just imagine her saying to the Heads of State, 'I'm 85 you know!' or 'I think he fancies me you know, as he keeps smiling and waving at me'.
Lord she might even put me in the Tower for trying to drag her down the doctors!
Ah well, she's my Queen and I love her dearly.

Lots of love Debbie x

Blue skies and happy smiles again

More of a blue sky day today thank heavens, as there was a touch of maudlin creeping over me yesterday.
I knew it wouldn't last long, but it's unsettling when I do get a 'what if' day. Thankfully they go as fast as they come, but I shall not beat myself up over them, as it's only natural to feel down sometimes.

Just as well it was a blue sky day in both senses of the word, as it was bally freezing out there today. Just goes to show how looks can be deceiving as from the safety of my warm sunny bedroom it looked a lovely and bright day out there, but outside the reality soon found me out, as the wind cut into you like little daggers.
Still, I wrapped up warm and took Reni into Chelmsford to do a spot of retail therapy.
Reni needed a new dress for a friends wedding and I needed a black t-shirt, although two other tops just happened to followed me home.
We had lunch, care of my lovely daughter-in-law and she was very proud of herself that we hardly hit anything today while she was pushing me about in my wheelchair. Reni is such a tiny little dot to push my humping great weight about.

I hate being a size 18, but even at physio today they were telling me that I'd soon lose my weight again once I had had the transplant.
This is music to my ears and not because I can buy smaller clothes, but as now they are talking about the transplant as if it's a real possibly and just a matter of time rather than just smiling when it's mentioned.
Tracy, who is in charge of the whole team gave me my beating today and she was very positive about it all. She was also concerned that my sputum was green again, but I explained it's always that colour nowadays, so we decided that it was the pseudomonas and until I get rid of these lungs, I'm never going to be clear of it.
I can not even begin to think what it would feel like to have lungs with no infections growing inside. No temperatures, no pain, just breathing in and out like normal people do. It's been so many years now that I haven't been breathless, even longer than when I was first diagnosed.

I can't wait. Bring on Friday as it's one step nearer a healthy normal life!

Lots of love Debbie x

Question time

Questions, questions.

So many of the damn things are flying around my head at the moment.
I always get like this before an important hospital appointment and this time is no different even though it is yet another test that I know must be done before I get the 'invite' up to Papworth, but it doesn't stop me worrying.

I'm not worrying about the procedure on Friday so much now. I'm way past worrying about that, as I'm already on to the next set of fears. Although I doubt I'll sleep a wink on Thursday night and I shall probably want to vomit the whole drive to the hospital on Friday morning.
But I'm at the 'what if' stage again. What if my specialist changes his mind because of one of the test results? What if they decide at Papworth that they can't help me after all? What if they can't get a donor? What if I reject the new organs and I'm worse when if I do get a transplant?
What if this year is the last year that I ever make up hanging baskets again?

I know I have to be positive and think that this is one more step to my goal...yay, but there are moments like today when the parties are over and reality comes back, that the negative thoughts creep in...yah boo sucks.

Still at least by trying to keep out the negative thoughts, I have succeeded in doing all my ironing and washing out my fridge, sorting out my clothes ready for summer and getting a decent size food shop, so not all was lost today.

Lots of love Debbie x

Hot tubs and fashion blunders

Ooo the hot tub last night worked like a charm and I slept like a log. Bliss.
I think I could get addicted to one of those if I had one in my garden.
I'll have to keep my eyes open for any competitions with one of those as a prize, as I could just see the girls and myself in it on a Friday night and in fact every night with a Y in it!

I took mother for our picnic down at Maldon and it was packed. It certainly has grown in popularity since they have spent a lot of money on revamping it a couple of years ago.
The car park was full, which is the only thing you pay for and now the water park has been switched on for the summer with even a few brave souls playing under the water pipes, but once again the pirate ship was attracting greatest number of crowds.
So different from when my mother and dad used to take us down for a swim in the lake, a toffee apple if we were good and a ride on the miniature railway.
And still very different from when we used take our boys with them bouncing on the trampolines, playing on the mini dodgems, an ice cream and yes, the miniature railway was still there and they loved it too.
The railway has gone now, but I can't wait to take the next generation down whenever they arrive to try out the delights of the pirate ship and the water park.

I had the girls and Derek around for a make shift dinner of whatever was left in the fridge tonight and to drink some of the wine that was left over.
It was all very pleasant sitting in the garden eating and drinking. A bit nippy, but still warmer than the Royal wedding day, by god that was cold once the sun started to fade.
I am glad that I had the wood burner that night thanks to the kindness of the girls at work, even if I smelt like a kipper by the end of the night and the inhaled wood smoke has made my cough a wee bit ouchy ever since.
But tonight I did get to watch the whole wedding at long last and loved it all over again. It was lovely sitting there watching the fashion with the girls as Derek was still unimpressed with who was wearing what. Men hey what can you do with them!
I was pleased to see that there were people there like myself who obliviously must have thought that the outfit that they had chosen looked good at home, but wasn't so hot in the cold light of day, but I don't suppose that my outfits were a fraction of how much some of those cost.
Good to see that however much money you have, that you can still cock it up!

I think tonight it will be two paracetamol and an early night with my new book. I have to keep myself in good nick for this Friday's little procedure, which means getting rid of this cough so I can lay down ok through the operation.
Blimey it leaves me cold just thinking of it, but just one step closer to getting a transplant and that is what I have to focus on and keep negative thoughts of what happens if I'm refused, right out of my head.
But the buggers do keep popping up there lately... damn it.

Lots of love Debbie x