Thank you Jo x

I'm not easily shocked or surprised, but today I had a real act of kindness that did just both.

Jo, a good friend at work went out of her way, took a chance last night and brought me the most beautiful fascinator out of the blue as an early birthday present to cheer me up. It is a riot of beautiful vibrant colours that will go fab with my wedding outfit and she did that just to pick me up from the very bad place that I was in yesterday. You can't thank somebody enough when they do something like that, so all you can do is hug them as if you'll never let them go and whisper thank you from the bottom of your heart and hope that they know you mean it.

And yes it helped me no end. So today I was able to say my demons out loud and get on with life again. The saying is true, that you can't help the hand you are dealt with, but you sure as hell help the way you deal with it. Everyone is allowed a wobbly day now and again. If I didn't have mine yesterday, I might have taken for granted how lucky I really am. Thank you Jo, you are a star!

Lots of love Debbie x

Moods and shoulders... both hurt!

Whoah... what a bummer of a day. Even wearing my new bright orange top and shoes to brighten my mood failed to work, I really felt so down that even my spirit was dragging behind and didn't want to hang round with me.

I know that I had sussed why I was feeling weird yesterday, but I thought once I had sussed it, that the mood would pass... Wrong. I got about half a mile away from work and wanted to pull over and cry. I just felt like I couldn't breathe, which is nothing unusual I know given my condition. But it was more like I had left something very important behind and I didn't know where I'd left it and the result was me having a panic attack. I get dreams like that all the time, looking for something or trying to get somewhere important and can't. I do actually know what is behind it as I worked out the final piece that moment I was on that road and I know the dreams will never go away until I sort out a certain very important relationship in my life.

I admitted to Sam how I felt and a couple of other friends picked up on the fact that I was a bit helter skelter. Bless Sam, she did most the work today as my head was just all over the place. The last straw was when my fascinator for Oliver's wedding arrived and half the feathers were broken. I wanted to lock myself in the loo and bawl my eyes out... what a tart!

I had to leave early to go to the doctors before rehab as my arm is getting worse. It feels like a frozen shoulder, but the doctor agreed with Ruth that it was because I've been carrying my oxygen unit over one shoulder instead of wearing like a rucksack, that I have thrown the alignment out of my spine and that's affected the other shoulder. She also said I should try not to sleep on the dodgey side, but as I woke up with my oxygen tubes wrapped around my neck twice and lying on my shoulder that hurts, I stand no chance as that was me trying to sleep still on my back!
I did go to rehab afterwards and did my exercises even in this heat, although I didn't use that arm. I treated it to some freezing gel and for fours hours I've had no pain... bliss... Maybe if I sleep for a whole night then my mood will lift.

Fingers crossed hey.

Lots of love Debbie x

Come on England

Well that was a waste of three hours sunshine where I could have been topping up my holiday tan. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the England v Germany match where we got an ass kicking of the highest calibre.
What made it worse was my 92 year old mother kept asking what the score was every ten minutes or saying those nasty Germans in the red shirts are a bit rough. Er mother, we are playing in red shirts.
Can't help but feel sorry for the referee though as I know he made a terrible blunder not allowing that goal, but he is going to have to endure sleepless nights for many years because of that. I know, as I still have panic attacks and flushes when I remember some of the stupid things that I have done or said over the years and I never made such a whooping mistake as he did!

Very hot today which really slows me down and I've been getting panic attacks to boot. Not because of bad goal decisions, but worrying about the forth coming goals that I've got ahead, the wedding and the transplant.
So bear with me while I air them as I need to get them out of my head and then maybe the panic attacks will stop. I'm sure the wedding will be fine and all go well, in fact I know it will, but I just wish I could do more money wise for them. I know it's a good thing that I don't have a credit card and Oliver has it all in hand, but I want to do more for them. But another worry about the wedding is once the wedding is over then I know the transplant will loom nearer. My specialist wrote down all my important dates that I had, like the two holidays and my babies wedding... but what happens if he changes his mind again and decides to make me wait after all? He has been known to change his mind from one appointment to the next and then back again. I hate all this uncertainty, though I hate what I have ahead of me.
I know I'm not very chatty at the moment and people have been picking up on that, but I'm aware that in 19 days time I have a countdown clock ticking.

The lady who was in the room next to us on holiday was a cardio nurse and was so pleased for me when I said about the transplant and said that I must be really excited. Excited wasn't one of the words that I can honestly say springs into my head when Ithink about the transplant. Cacking myself yes or scared to death or confused and terrified at the same time that he will change his mind.
There are times when I think I'm fine and I don't need it yet myself and then I find myself like today bent over a chair trying to breathe after doing a simple task like stirring gravy! Only last week I was climbing steps in a 100 degree heat, ok I couldn't breathe at the end of it and I thought I was going to die and I know it was hot in my kitchen, but come on... Another time I will be able to walk up and down my work corridor through out the day and think I'm ok I don't need it, only to feel like my brain is going to explode from lack of oxygen after walking a few steps thirty minutes later.
I am very confused at the moment, as well as very scared. This helps writing it down, so sorry if it is a bit boring when I repeat myself, but it helps to make some sort of sense in my litttle messed up brain.

Lots of love Debbie x

Oh give me a door frame quick..

Today is a day when I could really do with a man around the house. There are times in my life when I do need someone; for chasing spiders when they are too fast or too big for me to handle. Or doing up awkward zips on the back of tight dresses or in this case, rubbing on after sun or a rich moisturiser onto my back to keep my sun tan.
Try as I may and I am still quite flexible believe it or not; yoga and tai chi have paid off after all, I just can't reach all of my back and it is at that itchy stage so when I see a wall, I have to scratch my back along it like Balou Bear from Jungle Book with a self satisfying groan coming from deep inside me!

I know I have a big belly, there is no escaping that. Apparently because I don't breathe properly, my tummy is distended, well that and the fact I probably eat too many good things. But I can remember when I was slimmer that I could lay on my front and my back would get brown, then I'd turn over and my tummy would get brown and the sides would blend in together lovely. Now I can't lay flat on either my back or my front without sounding like a gurgling drain and where my waist band has expanded, I need to be put on a spit and regularly turned so I brown all over! Plus women of my age get white semi circles under their boobs and unfortunately it's not from the size of the bust, but from where our tummys are pushed up under our busts especially when reading on a sun bed... you normally have your knees up yeah?!

So I look like a patchwork quilt in various shades of brown, pink and white and now I have gone flakey where my bikini strap was on my back. Great, I am a picture of beauty. I could be lizard woman in the next Xmen movie!
Still what is brown is a gorgeous colour brown and however unhealthy a tan is, I look a picture of health so you can't have it all ways I'm afraid.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find a wall to rub against.

Lots of love Debbie x

Highs and lows

The high of being back at work and reliving the holiday with my work friends is now over.

Two work friends have now left our department. One was fairly understandable as her role had dried up, but it's still not nice having to say goodbye to a larger than life person. But letting the other friend leave was total madness and I think the department will suffer because of it. Still this is what happens when you hire big companies to do hatchet jobs, you lose good people on the way because actually these overpriced outside companies only act on what it says on paper and as we all know, what you read and what is the truth can be miles apart.
Time will tell, but for now we are left with a broken department and a lot of heavy hearts. I wish my friends good luck and hope that they don't suffer in any shape or form because of this financially or emotionally.

Had my physio today which was hard work, but felt amazing after I had a quick nap to get over it. It was the first in over a week and I felt so much better afterwards, so much so that I cut my mother's grass for her. Mind you that earned me a telling off from my son and I guess it was a stupid move really, but it did move my one of my brother-in-law's into offering to do it in future which is what I was hoping.
Sometimes in life you have to be devious even if you nearly half kill yourself in the long run! Plus it got rid of some of the frustrations from work so it killed two birds with one stone.

Early to bed tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x

Cyprus or bust... I did it!

I came, I went and I conquered... Ok what I really mean is I arrived in Cyprus without dying on the plane. I had a lovely time although I had a couple of near misses while in Cyprus and I got home after an eventful journey in one piece with only a couple of tantrums thrown and no punches thrown... Mind you the woman on the help desk at Stansted was extremely near to receiving one, all I can say is that she was lucky that she was at the other end of the phone!

The flight out was very smooth. The oxygen worked like a dream and although we had no in-flight entertainment, the young blades sitting behind us on their way to Ayia Napa, were hugely entertaining! I learnt a lot. I learnt that if a young lad comes and chats you up and you are my age or overweight, you are very probably part of their 'pull a pig' or 'grab a gran' tick list! All very enlightening sitting with the Wisbech Lads on Tour.

When we arrived at Cyprus we were met by the airport staff there and all went very smoothly up until we were handed over to the holiday rep and then things went down hill. Well we wish everything went down hill, for unfortunately for Ann the coach that the rep just pointed out to us at was up a massive slope and she was pushing me in my wheelchair while I was pushing an airport trolley with two suitcases and two heavy hand luggage bags on it in front of my chair... a bit like those long bendy trams that you see abroad, while Ann was trying to negotiate around weary holiday makers and tight corners! Poor Ann had to cope with all this and all while her carefully straightened hair twanged into tight Shirley Temple curls, as when we walked outside into the night air it was hot and humid, a bit like walking into a steam room!

The hotel was a dream. From our ground floor room there was a little walk across a neat lawn to the swimming pool and from the pool a little walk down a garden path to the sea which you could see from the pool. The sea was all shades of bright blues and was stunning crystal clear water. The staff were amazingly kind, there was plenty to eat at every meal time and quite fun entertainment of an evening if you wanted it.

We did two trips, the first to the Troodoss mountains on which we passed some stunning scenery. I soon learnt that the Cypriots had a height thing going on in the days gone by. By this I meant that if they saw a large hill, mountain or even a steep slope, then they would put something interesting at the top of it... I think they must have mountain goat blood running through their veins! They had tried hard with being disabled friendly, but having disabled parking at the bottom of the hill and not at the top wasn't really very helpful, so they have a bit more to learn there me thinks. I got to know quite a few car parks intimately. Quite funny really, as you would meet the same old crocks at each car park killing time while the other halves (Ann included) were sprinting around taking photos and gathering info to relate back to us!

Our second trip was just as eventful, this time to Paphos. When we set off in the morning, by 9am it was 106 and rising. It was the first heatwave of the year. Luckily we were on an air con coach and probably the best place to be until it broke down. We stopped at what could only be described as a lorry stop in the middle of a quarry for a toilet break and when we got back on the coach, yep you guessed it the air con had broken down. So all off back into the pit stop and we waited for an hour for the relief coach to come. It was supposed to only take 30mins to arrive, but it we were talking GMT time... Greek Maybe Time! No problems as a newer coach turned up and on our merry way we went.
15mins into journey air con on coach 2 decided to pack up. Coach 3 was a brand spanking new one and a cute driver too.

As a treat, the guide said instead of admiring Aphrodite's birth place (who incidentally is my twin sister!) from a viewing spot at the top of yet another hill, we would stop at the bottom and see it close up. But the catch was we couldn't cross the road as too dangerous and we'd have to use the under pass... down lots of steps. Not good, but the cries of 'we'll help you', spurred me to go on and try. As we know going down steps is the easy bit, but walking back up those steps however slowly in temperatures of nearly 110 by now is a very different matter. Those who said they were going to help me from the safety of the car park, were suddenly struggling too... Bummer. Aphrodite might have been born there, but I her better looking sister nearly snuffed it there!
Apart from the turning blue and being unable to breathe properly for the best part of nearly 40mins, the saddest thing for me was being about three foot from the crystal cool waters and not being able to paddle like the others, because once again it was on a bloody slope to the waters edge!
But as my very wise son said. 'Mum you did it. There are loads of people who are fit and healthy and can't even be arsed to visit these beautiful places, but at the end of the day, you did it' and I did.

It was a fab holiday. I rested up a lot, swam a lot and got a lovely healthy looking tan.

The journey home was pretty bloody stressful. I don't mean the two an half hours delay in taking off, that can't be helped anymore than the air con breaking down on the coach, but the debate about whether I could use my oxygen concentrator after all on the plane even though it was all okayed before hand by them was stressful... Of course I didn't help matters by accidentally having put the letter from the airline in my suitcase which now in the hold... Or the fact that they put me off the plane at Stansted with no wheelchair and then left us to fend for ourselves, now that was really stressful, all because once off the plane I was someone else's problem. This someone else from the helpdesk wasn't very helpful at all, in fact she could have been done under the trades description act... So stressed was I that I actually threw my cushion, (which was all I had left of my wheelchair by this point) at the wheelchair that the staff eventually brought me from the unhelpful helpdesk lady after I asked her full name and the cushion hit the poor man pushing it! Ooops... he did say that he could see I wasn't actually being aggressive just having a nervous breakdown and that he forgave me when I apologised profusely for being a bitch... in fact he did actually say he was single too!

So that was my holiday to Cyprus... Lovely, really lovely in fact, but I was so glad that come 4.30am I was crawling into my own bed, tanned and probably a few pounds heavier and that adventure will now just be a happy memory.

Lots of love Debbie x

Ready and able

Well this time tomorrow I will be in the middle of a silent scream over somewhere foreign, with knuckles white, face green hopefully rather than blue through lack of oxygen and a hell of a lot of silent praying!

I have packed my case, just got to put my smellies in. I can even lift my case Julie, so no heavy sticker for me unlike other people I know, but my hand luggage on the other hand with all the medical gear in it, is a totally different story! Nah it's ok...ish.

I have my letters to allow me to fly, passport, tickets, euros etc.

So what have I done wrong, because I am never this organised!

So folks, fingers crossed and see you in a week.

Lots of love Debbie x

The bells!

Check me out with my new pretty site!

Thought I had to do something to cheer my mood as had a banging headache all day, probably to do with my mother's telephone dilemma last night and knowing that I have got to face it again when I get home.
Have you ever had walls that rang? Well my poor old mother did last night. Bless BT as they tried to say there wasn't a problem until they asked my to replug the socket back in and they heard the bells ringing nonstop, my mother shouting 'make it stop' and me going 'oh clucking hell' or words to that effect.
So tomorrow they are sending a technician to sort it all out as there is no way I can go on holiday out the country for a week with mother not having a phone or the care alarm working and you need the phone to make the other work. It may cost £100 to put right or it may not, but peace of mind is worth quadruple that price.

I took mother's call care unit home with me in the end last night, as even without electricy flowing through it, it was still bleeping and flashing thanks to the back up battery and her nerves couldn't cope.
3am in the morning neither could mine, as I made my way out to my car in my nightie with the unit wrapped in a bath towel to try to muffle it and locked it in the boot, so I could get some sleep!

Still at least it's taken my mind off the plane trip and the holiday! Someone at work asked what was the worse that could happen and I told them what I have had drummed into me for the last few years. No flying because you could have a stroke, heart attack or your head could blow off it's shoulders and now they are saying trust in that little black box that looks like a gas mask, you'll be fine.
Going on that plane I will feel like a Christian walking into a lion's den... gulp!

Lots of love Debbie x

In the words of Gloria, I will survive

Today Debbie will be modelling the over the shoulder look for the girl about town in war torn Chelmsford, where every girl should have a gas mask style box with the exciting inner secret!
Though not that secret, as I can't sneak up on anyone because of my chattering teeth thanks to the vibrating box and my left hip bone will never be the same.

I left the bum bag battery belt in the car so I could see just how long the battery lasts on the box. Considering it's suppose to last three and a half hours, time really must fly when you look a dork as the alarm went off in what I thought was no time at all and boy that baby hurts your ears when it goes. I can foresee problems ahead on this holiday with getting timings right when charging it up until I get the hang of it.
Win a holiday, get spending money and a nervous breakdown thrown in too! I will have to sign in the nearest alcohol abuse clinic on my return from calming my nerves twenty four seven with the delicious medicine called brandy.

Still this time next week the holiday will nearly be finished... hoorah! Honestly I shouldn't be such an old melancholy shrew. If I think back to this time last year, I would have freaked out at the mere mention of anything out my comfort zone and here I am twelve months on settled in my little bungalow, with enough equipment to equal Metallica on tour and I'm going on my second holiday in as many months... actually that is quite an achievement isn't it... hell yeah this shrew ain't ready to give up and lie down yet... moan nonstop yep you bet and panic at her own shadow Oooo yes, but I think I'm a brave little drama queen too really! And besides I have fab friends who will always slap me if I get too wimpy...

Lots of love Debbie x

Gok Wan mets Hiker Chic

Oh my god, I am in fashion hell. I look like a bloody hiker from the Lake District with my hired oxygen concentrator on.

Firstly I hadn't adjusted the strap properly this morning when I took it to work on it's maiden voyage, so the little box was stuck under and wedging up my arm. I say little box, it looks like a gas mask box from WWII as Sam so nicely put it as she picked herself up off the floor from laughing so much. Plus my handbag had got stuck under it, so I was all hunched over and looked like 'Mrs Overall'.
Secondly you have to wear a battery belt with it, which if that doesn't get the rubber gloves twanging at the airport, nothing will. It looks like a cross between a terrorist pack and an old ladies bum bag. Dear God I hope they think I'm an old lady, as my brother-in-law retires from the airport this month and I'm sure he'd love to see his sister-in-law red faced and touching her toes as the security guard searches her whilst wearing Latex!

So are you getting the picture yet? A gas mask type bag slung nonchalantly across shoulders, bum bag lookie likey strapped around my waist, well hanging down as I tried to make it look a bit Gok Wan! All I need now is a kagoule, a lump of Kendell mint cake and a cheese and pickle sarnie in the other hand, a bad perm and viola, you have Hiker Chic!

Yes Julie I do look like 'I'll have that one's' twin sister! The damn thing even vibrates on my hip and the oxygen when it comes through, has a weird eggie smell, I guess so you know it's working! Well there's another way that I'll tell if it's not working, I'll kneel over and I can't see many punters rushing to give me the kiss of life looking like 'Mavis the Hiker Chic' can you?!

Arrrgghh is any holiday worth this I ask??

Thanks for the helpful hints on Facebook for keeping my mouth closed so I breathe through my nose instead. No gaffer tape won't work my dear son, as when I take it off after a day in the sun, I will have a tanned face and a white oblong around my mouth so I'll look like Peppy the Clown! The Hiker Chic look just keeps on getting better... woe is me!

Lots of love Debbie x

Gok Wan mets Hiker Chic

Oh my god, I am in fashion hell. I look like a bloody hiker from the Lake District with my hired oxygen concentrator on.

Firstly I hadn't adjusted the strap properly this morning when I took it to work on it's maiden voyage, so the little box was stuck under and wedging up my arm. I say little box, it looks like a gas mask box from WWII as Sam so nicely put it as she picked herself up off the floor from laughing so much. Plus my handbag had got stuck under it, so I was all hunched over and looked like 'Mrs Overall'.
Secondly you have to wear a battery belt with it, which if that doesn't get the rubber gloves twanging at the airport, nothing will. It looks like a cross between a terrorist pack and an old ladies bum bag. Dear God I hope they think I'm an old lady, as my brother-in-law retires from the airport this month and I'm sure he'd love to see his sister-in-law red faced and touching her toes as the security guard searches her whilst wearing Latex!

So are you getting the picture yet? A gas mask type bag slung nonchalantly across shoulders, bum bag lookie likey strapped around my waist, well hanging down as I tried to make it look a bit Gok Wan! All I need now is a kagoule, a lump of Kendell mint cake and a cheese and pickle sarnie in the other hand, a bad perm and viola, you have Hiker Chic!

Yes Julie I do look like 'I'll have that one's' twin sister! The damn thing even vibrates on my hip and the oxygen when it comes through, has a weird eggie smell, I guess so you know it's working! Well there's another way that I'll tell if it's not working, I'll kneel over and I can't see many punters rushing to give me the kiss of life looking like 'Mavis the Hiker Chic' can you?!

Arrrgghh is any holiday worth this I ask??

Thanks for the helpful hints on Facebook for keeping my mouth closed so I breathe through my nose instead. No gaffer tape won't work my dear son, as when I take it off after a day in the sun, I will have a tanned face and a white oblong around my mouth so I'll look like Peppy the Clown! The Hiker Chic look just keeps on getting better... woe is me!

Lots of love Debbie x

Lara wears oxygen

Well the next part of the holiday has arrived... the Airsep Concentrator. According to booklet I can fly, walk, drive a car and do all sorts of wonderful things, but the one thing that is worrying me, is to make it work I have to keep my mouth shut!
Holly crap I haven't kept my mouth shut for the last 53 years so how can I perfect this art in less than a week? Not just stating the obvious that I talk a lot; the other factor is because of growing up with my asthma and a permanently blocked nose, I have always breathed through my mouth. The very nice man explained that to make it work you must breathe in through your nose, it's also very quiet so you can't hear that the oxygen is coming through. But I did read that an alarm goes off it you stop breathing so that's reassuring especially if I fall asleep on the plane wearing it and cause a major panic amongst the other passengers. I can see me getting thrown off the plane over Germany!
I also look like Lara Croft wearing it as you have to wear this little black bag over your shoulder and a battery belt around your waist. Perhaps I should walk or swagger through the airport in khakis, a sleeveless white t-shirt and a pair of Ray Bans? A good look maybe?

I have been told in life by various men that I am too independent which I guess is their way of saying I'm a control freak. And I admit I did throw a wobbly on holiday when everyone disappeared when we were going off to Madeira that day, but it's because living on your own you have to be in charge of your life as you have no one to lean on at the end of the day. I have wonderful friends who would do anything for me, but they can't be there on call night and day.
Before that I was living with my ex who was a fab man and I still love very much, but all the organising came down to me. I had to be a strong woman or otherwise things didn't happen and with two kids you can't let them down, so you always had to have a back up plan. So yes I do stress over little things like tickets, times etc, but I have lost control over my body, that lets me down all the time and if I don't get the hang of this oxygen concentrator, it will have serious consequences that won't be put right by a headache pill and a rest in Cyprus; it could be a stroke or a heart attack.
So please, if I stress out, remember it's hard letting go of your life as you knew it.

Lots of love Debbie x

Mothers and daughters

Not a lot of sleep last night as I had thunder and lightening accompaniment around midnight and I was rather restless afterwards even though I was really tired. It was the first thunderstorm of the summer and it was really quite nice watching the sky light up from my bed.

Still went on our picnic to Maldon even though the weather looked very undecided at one point. And to be honest it did start off a bit rocky in another way too, as my dear mama was waiting on my doors step when I came back with the picnic food and was not the most happiest of mummies which rubbed off on me! Still the day improved both weather wise and with us two having a moody each, it was really quite lovely down there.
I did wonder at one point, when did I move up into the older generation bracket?
As I sat there in the car with the doors open, eating ham rolls and reading the Sunday paper, I guess I had noticed that I was surrounded by my friends who had became grandparents, but it was that moment I realised that I had moved up a generation notch. Scary!
I sat reminiscing as a family of four walked past to their car, where they sat and ate their sandwiches. They had two little boys still holding on to their fishing nets as they ate their sandwiches and mother said that she could remember bringing me down here and doing exactly the same thing and here we were full circle still eating sandwiches out of a car, although ours were shop brought now. Mother and daughter all grown up. I will still feel like my mother's little girl even though I'm in the next generation bracket, because I still am my mother's youngest daughter.
A lovely day!

Lots of love Debbie x

Back flips and lager and lime

How can you ever get bored in dear old England when part of the day it is so hot you don't know where to put yourself and the other part of the day, you have to swim to your car as you get three months rain in an hour!

Now I say I didn't know where to put myself, my mother on the other hand did; in her garden planting things! I hate gardening, my own needs doing and it's still escaped her notice that I have an oxygen cylinder attached to me. I guess she has what I had when I was younger; selective hearing, but in her case it's selective sight... 'why are you hanging on to the table with your knuckles so white, panting like that dear and why are you so blue everywhere else?'
When I snarled at her to stop ordering bloody plants, she just smiled sweetly and lied through her false teeth, saying they were freebies! Of course she didn't hear me muttering, 'free or not, the next lot will be shoved where the sun don't shine and plants don't grow!' otherwise I wouldn't be typing this now.

After 'my tasks', I went off shopping with Ann and we treated ourselves to some bright sandals each and then a pub lunch. Gosh I am such a light weight, one half of ice cold lager and lime and I fell asleep for an hour on the sofa when I got home. It took me a luke warm bath to come to again. I guess a heavy work week, a late night at Fanny's last night and then when I got home googling who won Big Brother last year at 1am, as both Julie and myself had a mental block, actually caught up with me and the lager just mellowed me out nicely.
Still I sprung back to life and went to see 'Street Dance' at my second home, the cinema with Ann. We sat in the dark with our 3D glasses on, overdosing on pick ad mix and I must admit, I did think I was going to puke at first with all the back flips and spinning, looking like they were going to leap out at you from the screen. But it actually once my eyes and brains caught up with each other it proved quite a good film. When I've had my op, I can't wait to get dancing again, but maybe I'll leave out the back flips!

Lots of love Debbie x

Angels and Demons

Been to the cinema three times this week since Sunday (twice to see Sex and the City2). I have a feeling I'm going to turn into Gollum if I'm not careful with all this sitting in the dark.
Mind you, feel better though... as the girls in Sex and the City have wrinkles too now... Ooo there is god.

Got my prize money from my Cyprus holiday win and the portable oxygen concentrator arrives on Monday, so it's all feeling pretty damn real now. Plus mother has got the downers again so I must be going on holiday.
Really didn't know how to cheer her up tonight and I had to go in the end. I know this sounds awful and I'll beat myself up for ever if anything happens to her tonight, but I had to leave as I felt any spark of happiness being drained out of me tonight and I was quite excited when I got there and had lots to tell her. I tried to chat to her, I made her tea, got tomorrows dinner ready, brought her magazines and promised her that I'd plant her bulbs Saturday while she's having her nails done and take her out Sunday to Maldon, but she had to smile first. I got a glimmer of a smile, but felt a real heel as I walked out the door. Back to wearing my hair shirt.

The reason I was excited was my new daughter-in-law to be gave me a private showing of her in her wedding dress tonight and she looked beautiful. She is such a natural beauty even with a cold sore on her top lip! She looked like a real angel. Still mother can see her for herself soon and that will make her smile and my mother has the most beautiful smile in the world.

Lots of love Debbie x

A pack of cards

Strange day today.

Some joker decided that my car would look better with it's left hand wing mirror hanging by the electrics and went about snapping it off so it looked like one of Pat Butcher's earrings hanging down. So after a quick panic, it's now held together by old fashion sellotape until I know what to do next. Thank god for Blue Peter.

Bally hell a brand new car only about six months old and some twat decides that people shouldn't have all the luck and have a brand new car, is that it; jealously? Perhaps I should tell them how easy it is to get one... Get a lung disease so bad it's going to kill you long before your time and you too can get one... ain't I the lucky one hey!

Still off to work and I like my work. I was looking forward to being jolly as we had good news that one work colleague was staying, only to experience the seesaw effect when her boss, whose job was also in the balance said she was going to have to leave. Dealt another joker in the pack. Left you not knowing what to do, apart from shedding a few tears and to give her a cuddle. Luckily I was busy out the front so I couldn't dwell on it for long as couldn't talk it over with Sam as she is on holiday, but as the afternoon calmed down, you realised again how things change all the time and not always for the better.

Got into my bungalow at 8.15pm after having my toenails painted, shopping for mother, checking on her, getting things ready for her dinner tomorrow and putting out her recycling. Bless her I know she wanted me to stay a bit longer, but I really wanted to get home. She had dragged her recycling as far as the front door as she didn't want me to hurt myself, but I couldn't help but wonder why not one of the men in her family thinks 'Mmm I wonder if mum needs help with her recycling by me putting it out once a fortnight for her, as she is 92 or maybe Debbie is carrying it out with her oxygen strapped to her back?'... nah I don't think it even crosses their minds. Jokers in the pack. I just wish people would think without me having to ask.

God I sound bitter and twisted again today and I'm not; I'm a nice person really.
Ok I'm going to suck some more lemons and go to bed now!

Lots of love Debbie x