Damp squid alert

Surprisingly I did actually manage to sleep the majority of the night last night. Whether it was the glass of cider that I drank in front of the TV or the fact the I had just given up and resigned myself to no sleep, I'm not sure, but I'm glad that I wasn't worrying myself stupid in he wee hours of the night like I have so many times before.

I was up at the crack of dawn for me, 6am and after half an hour as dozing, I had got myself up and started to get ready for the onslaught. I had forgotten how dark it still was at 6am!
By the time Ed came, I was showered, dressed and my oxygen unit had been filled and I still felt a nervous as a new born kitten.
Ed is very good to talk to, must be the ex-copper in him! The joking aside, he has gone through every emotion going since Matt, my nephew's accident and understands the things that can make you feel that you are going to tip over the emotional ledge.

The actual x-ray was somewhat of a none event after the build up in my head. We arrived early and the fact that I had three pages of what to expect and about needing to arrive a full hour before my appointment to drink the contrast liquid, was a damp squid.
I didn't have to drink the contrast liquid and was in and out of the CT scan in what seemed minutes. In fact we sat in the waiting room longer than I was in there and was out and on my way home 30mins before my appointment was actually due! I even went through the tunnel fully dressed, complete with my boots, but apart from my bra.
Still it's done and whatever happens now, the chain has started and next weeks appointment will be here before I know it and I will know my fate soon enough.

I held my friend Jo's new baby grand daughter today and she was beautiful.
One day I hope I will have a grandchild of my own to hold and if that isn't reason enough to fight on, then I don't know what is. What I do know is, I no longer go where there are colds and if people think they have something coming on, then I stay away from them even if I offend. Because if I am lucky enough to get on the transplant list, then I must keep as well as I can and if that means putting me first, then so be it.

Lots of love Debbie x

My name is Debbie and I am scared

About 9pm tonight, I felt a sensation of rising panic inside me even though I had a lovely day today.

I'd taken my mother over to my sister's house for lunch which was really lovely. We ate our roast dinner and then squabbled over a game of Rummikins or whatever it was called. My nephew and my brother-in-law teased me as usual and I teased my nephew and swore at my brother-in-law as usual, the world felt good.
My neighbour had very kindly got my nearly dry washing in off the line after a SOS call from me when the heavens opened while I was at my sister's, everything in my world felt normal and easy.

Then I realised tomorrow is my last test of this round and next week when I see my specialist, my world could dramatically change and to be honest, I am scared stiff.
I have no idea how this will all work out for me, whether I will even be a good candidate for a transplant, whether I'm not ill enough yet or even if I do strike lucky and had a transplant, would I survive as not everyone does?
Ruth has said that nothing is straight forward with a transplant, but she has also said that infections like my last infection will happen again. Not a good prospect.

I wanted to run and hide somewhere tonight, but as I can't run and you can't hide from this poxy disease, the whole idea was futile.
Tonight's 'Dancing on Ice' on TV didn't really have the same lure as normal and although I know I have to get up early for tomorrow's scan, I also know I won't sleep when I do go to bed.
How life and emotions can change so rapidly in 24 hrs.
If you are reading this, please keep your fingers crossed for me for tomorrow and for next Wednesday when I see my specialist and even for the following Wednesday when they make a decision on whether I get my oxygen upped another notch or not.
I know I will have mine crossed as I go into that giant hoop of an x-ray machine tomorrow.

Lots of love Debbie x

A very Red letter day

A red letter day today, although I am sitting here in my pjs, unable to move now.

I think my stomach has expanded to the maximum safety limit, anymore stretch and I think it's possible that people living in Cressing could covered in Jerk chicken, smoked eel or rock oysters when my tummy blows... Mmmmm!
Julie, Derek and I have just come home from a most magnificent feast at Baumanns Brasserie in Coggeshall, which him with rugged looks and flicky dark hair owns.
We now all have round little belly's from eating so much rich, but gorgeous food.

I usually play it safe and eat some sort of meat and veg, but not tonight, I wanted to try and be adventurous for once. Tapas including smoked eel, followed by sauteed rock oysters, jerk chicken with dirty rice and peas and then the most fab dessert... mini toffee apple and iced apple parfait. Bugger me, I've died and gone to heaven! Didn't stop there as we had homemade fudge and chocolate liqueur truffles with our coffee and as Julie doesn't like dark chocolate, I had hers... I know... I'm a piggie!

I wore my new posh dress that Reni recommended me to buy on our last shopping trip and it felt so good looking like a grown up woman for a change. The fact that two Saturdays ago, I looked half dead and tonight I felt all sparkling was such a boost, as I forgot I was ill while we were there.
Although we did get on to the subject of funerals after Julie heard 'Cherish' being played through the restaurant sound system. I decided on the song from the 'Sound of Music' as my swan song, 'So long, farewell' and have everyone singing as they crowd surf my coffin around the church... always fancied being crowd surfed at a concert and as the old song goes, 'It's my party and I'll cry/crowd surf if I want to!'

Also this morning I had a visit from my little Sam and Jean. It is always a treat to see them, but seeing Sam was a bonus as she had driven solo to mine from Chelmsford. A12, country lanes and all in the rain as she pointed out! The fact she was hyper and swearing like a trooper when she got to my bungalow was quite hilarious!
'Now I know you you swear so much' she said in earnest!
It was so nice to see her and within minutes we were bouncing off of each other just like we had done for the past 11 years. By the time Jean got to mine, she had calmed down a bit as that first 20mins, she looked like she had drank three espressos straight off!


Thank you to everyone involved in my day today for making me feel normal again. What would I do without you all.

Lots of love Debbie x

How far is 3 metres anyone?

I spent a very pleasant 30mins chilling in bed this morning listening to the birds singing in the promised sunshine.
I haven't heard them singing that much for a couple of weeks now, well not since the gardener that my neighbours and I share cut down the Russian Vine that had grown out of control on my neighbours side. Not only was my neighbour furious with her partner for letting him cut it so low, but the birds were pretty miffed too at being evicted from their nests and showed it by crapping on my windows!
Give young Tom the gardener a hedge cutter and there's no stopping him.
Not sure what angle they were flying past my windows at the time, but I have a couple of lovely displays of their disapproval!
We have both been trying to lure them back into our gardens with extra food and they have started coming back a few at a time.

Went off to get a birthday present for Lynn at Freeport and was just looking at t-shirts when my mobile went off and it was Ruth. Sadie and her had swapped patients and Ruth had got me instead, which was lovely, but I then panicked trying to get back the bungalow quickly so not to hold her up.
The only problem of having physio that early, is nothing wants to shift off my lungs. Actually there isn't as much on my lungs as normal anyway since taking those drugs for those ten days, but I always produce more after I've eaten, especially about 3pm time. This was actually hard work for both of us getting it up, for me coughing it up and on Ruth's arms banging it off the lungs walls.
After Ruth had left for rehab and I had my lunch, my lungs started performing very well! If I eat a slice of bread, then all hell breaks loose or should I say all phlegm breaks loose.
Swings and roundabouts.

I tried to wash the floors in the hall, kitchen and bathroom as well today and nearly ended up on my knees afterwards. I just think that I can do more than I actually can and it's so annoying that I can't. Ruth reckons that I push myself too hard.
This time last year, I was still managing to do quite a lot really, where now the thought of me standing on a garden chair with my oxygen pack on my back back, hacking down the Russian Vine with a pair of heavy old loppers is quite unbelievable, but I did it. Ok I would have to sit still in between, but I could do it and here I am barely able to even change my own sheets let alone do the gardening and that patch of rotting Oriental Anemones that need cutting down is driving me mad.
Patience Deborah or look the other way in the garden instead.

I went to my friend Greta's candle party tonight, and although I swore I wouldn't have anymore parties, I found myself booking another for next month. But they are having the cute metal work snails etc in again next month and we all want another one each for our gardens.
The only problem is with these parties is I live on tenterhooks with all the lighted candles around me while I'm wearing my oxygen. I know that I have to be 3metres away from a naked flame, but I'm crap at distances!
Ah well, I guess I'd know if I was too close.

Lots of love Debbie x

Chill out moments

I am officially a lazy sod in the mornings. I've got to face it I love my bed and listening to the sounds of people outside doing their everyday chores. I hear my neighbour telling off her dogs for their misdemeanors or my other neighbour getting ready to go to work or her retired husband banging about in his shed. On a Saturday and Sunday mornings, it's football matches in the playing field beyond my fence.
Also it's the light coming in through the window or the rain hitting my oxygen unit cover, all very relaxing.
I have always been lazy in the morning and have always loved soaking up the sounds. More people should try it on their days off instead of rushing around all the time.

Mother ventured out in the big wide world today for the first time in ages. We went for lunch at the garden centre down the road from us, as she likes it there and I had a 'buy one meal, get one free' voucher. Mind you so did about twenty people in front of me in the queue as well!
A garden centre seems a rather unusual place to take school kids for a treat on their half term break. I think that would be the last place I would have wanted to go as a child!
Bless her, she has aged somewhat. She had totally missed her lips with her lipstick, but at least she had tried. But she enjoyed it and hopefully she will sleep better tonight for having done something today rather than sit in front of the TV nonstop. I didn't want her sitting on her own today, as it is 21 years today that dad died.

I came home, cleaned my bath and then ironed the clothes that had actually dried lovely in the sunshine today. After that, I felt absolutely shattered and realised that I had done too much yet again, but I had achieved something ad that was a good feeling.

Lots of love Debbie x

Busy day in Paradise

My plan for a revamp on the old image went a bit awry this morning, as the jumper that I had brought when out with Julie on Monday, turned out to be a snug fit and when I took it back to swap it, an old biddie took the one that I wanted. Heavens to Betsy, whatever next I've been jumperjacked!
The sales lady had hung the said jumper (which was a rather lovely soft grey) up behind the counter while I carried on looking and the crafty old sod whipped it away when we weren't looking.
Ah well, if a 70 year old was going to wear it, then it definitely wasn't my new look!

Another late start this morning as it was raining heavy outside and my bed was sooo warm and snug, so I decided to lay there and read for half an hour, but I never actually got as far as getting the book... Ok ok yes I was still snoozing! But once I got up, I was up and running on all cylinders.
Even though it was wet outside, I felt really rather good walking around shopping. I even brought new knickers and new pjs so if I have to go in hospital at anytime, I shall look fab. Plus my all white knickers have all gone an embarrassing pink shade thanks to a missing bright pink sock that turned up in the wash! Goodness me what would my mum say if I got knocked over by a double decker bus!? I can feel the shame now.

We went off to the cinema again tonight to see yet another kiddie film. 'Tangled' last night which was soooo cute as it was a Disney film. You actually got tingles up and down your body at one point and it wasn't because some child had spilt it's drink on you!
Tonight was 'Gnomeo and Juliet' and that was wasted on children, absolutely fab.
Will have to go to a grown up film next, otherwise we will be put on the 'watch those people' list!

Lots of love Debbie x

Revamp time

Well my plan of going to bed early to get up early backfired. Not that most people call going to bed at midnight early and then I have to read some of my book before lights out, so we were looking at half past midnight in the end. But it was a start. Trouble was I very nearly fell off to sleep, but just as I was on the edge of slumberland, something disturbed me and bingo... I was wide awake again. God I hate it when that happens.
Still I managed to get up nearer nine then ten, so that was a very good start to getting back into a routine. I guess I will be comatose tonight!

Had a massage this morning to try and get my shoulders back to where they are supposed to be and not up around my ears. Anne said my shouders were rock solid and bright red after the massage. They did feel better though, but they have now started to creep up again. I must try and make a proper effect to stand and sit straight otherwise I shall be even more round shouldered than normal.
I shall look like a Quasimodo in an oxygen mask if I'm not careful!

Sounds like history is repeating it's self and I'm trying to give myself a make over yet again, which is what normally happens when I've been ill. I look crap while I'm ill and then I have this nesting urge to get me and the home spruced up. Lucky for me the sales were on in Braintree when Reni and I went for lunch today.
Yay... new sheets for the bed, a new dress and two new tops and all in the sale at Townrows. Bonus, as theirs is always a genuine sale and not just bargain clothes that have been brought specially in.
The nice thing was too, was when we were having lunch in there, old Mr. Townrow himself was in there too with his family.
I thought at first when he came up to our table to ask if we were ok, that he was some lonely old aged pensioner and then I realised by looking at the faded quality of his suit, that it was the owner himself and he was actually having lunch with his wife, daughter and great grandchildren! Funny enough, I had just been telling Reni the history of Townrows and of the other family businesses that were in Braintree when I was younger, all gone now except from them.
It was really nice seeing the old boy helping out and when I questioned the staff was it him, they told me that he was over 90 and still came in most mornings to work! Made Reni and I feel a real patriotism to the store.

Before setting off to the hospital to deposit my 'hot off the press' or off the lungs sample and to have a spot of physio, Reni cut my hair to help me with my metamorphose, although tomorrow I'm sure it will be in the same old top and trousers as normal although I will try very hard to make an effort. I am going for a posh meal with Julie and Derek on Saturday, so I can wear my new dress then. I don't care even if it does snow, rain or flood, no trousers that night, I'm going to look like a lady if it kills me!
So bedtime now and another bash at getting these hours back to normal.

Lots of love Debbie x

Day one of a new start

Really must start going to bed earlier, as 1am is now slipping into 1.30am and later, and I like to read with a cup of 'sleep easy' tea before lights out. My hours are slipping into bad habits somewhat since I was ill, I'm getting up and going to bed later. I must try harder to get back into a decent routine.

Had a really good and productive day today though and I'm beginning to feel more confident every day now. Not quite got all my spark back, but getting there.
Got Julie to come to Braintree with me to start getting Natalie's 30th birthday present together at long last, the poor lass will be 31 at this rate!
Julie elected to push me around Braintree as we only needed one shop, but what we thought would be a quick in and out job, turned into a bit of a mystery tour as the shop I needed had closed down.
It was freezing out there today and Julie warmed herself up by the route march around Braintree town pushing me in my heavy old wheelchair. There's no way I could have handled walking that far today.
Still I got what I came for, well as near as damn it and then we went on to Freeport where I got my trusty 'go faster' walking frame out to help me and give Julie a rest. We were quite refrained though and only went in three shops total and of course one coffee stop!

Looks like the hospital visits are back on track again, as I got an appointment in the morning post to see my specialist for the beginning of March. That's one biggie a week again for a month, which is good as it all had gone very quiet for a while.
I wonder what he will decide when I see him? Yes we go forward to Papworth or no we wait or no I'm past it?
Also got a letter from the benefits office wanting my three latest wage slips. One, which is my very last ever from work, they already have and I managed to find November's and December's wage packets after a bit of a panic. I am quite organised believe it or not and can usually put my hand on any paperwork in my bungalow, but occasionally things do give me the slip!
I didn't even try and get them photocopied, as they had given me a very quick dead line and I would have had to drive into Braintree yet again to get them copied and even then I don't know where I'd go. Maybe they think we all have photocopiers in our homes?

Few more jobs for me tomorrow, as a waterfall coming from my overflow pipe stopped me doing all today.
Should have taken my sputum sample into the hospital, but it wasn't forthcoming when I was in town and when it was, the plumber was at mine fixing the tank, still I'm at the hospital anyway tomorrow so no worries.
Ah well lets start my new regimen and early to bed!

Lots of love Debbie x

Memory comes, memory goes

Woken up by my sister on the telephone today at 10.35am telling me to make sure that mother's second week of pills are all in her tablet box. I hate it when she gets all big sister on me.
Just because she had to take mother to the clinic on Monday to have her cyst cut out, which they couldn't do in the end, she has now gone into big sister knows best mode.
But blimey what happened to my alarm this morning?
I do remember waking up when it was still quite gloomy, but whether I slept through my alarm or I turned it off, I have no idea.
If I did forget to set it, then that was the second thing I forgot to do last night and the first being forgetting to get some meat out the freezer for my dinner today.
I know it's a good thing having a fridge freezer, but I was far more organised without the freezer part.

Went to Julie's to repay the money that Derek loaned me to buy the freezer before Christmas when my other fridge broke down. It's a good feeling paying people back, but I forgot my third thing, Derek's thank you present. Damn it, my brain is really flunking this weekend.
I popped around to mother's afterwards to sort out her dinner and nearly gave her a heart attack in the process, because her TV was on so loud that she didn't hear me come in.
Maybe I am turning into a mini me of her?

Went to see 'True Grit' at the cinema this afternoon which was good. Amazing how full the cinema was on a Sunday afternoon, maybe everyone wanting to get back to see 'Dancing on Ice' like myself. Yep I am turning into my mother!
Also felt good as I sorted out all the unwanted handbags, belts, make-up and assorted scarves that I no longer need and managed to fill up the RNLI charity bag for tomorrow's pick up. I do hope the charity bag isn't a scam, as the actual RNLI are dear to my heart. They scattered dad's ashes at sea off Hastings, where he was born and raised. Dad died 21 years ago on the 24th of this month from lung and secondary liver cancer and I remember really clearly standing on the sea wall with mum and my aunties watching them scattering his ashes from the side of the lifeboat. The sea was sparkling in the warm sunshine, where two weeks previously when he had his cremation service at Chelmsford, it had snowed. It was almost as if he knew he had come home.
At least my memory hasn't failed this time, not when it's important. I do miss him.

Lots of love Debbie x

Do as you are told

Bring it on... 9.45am and I'm up, dressed and my Internet shop is packed away and the kitchen is neat and tidy. I am a domestic goddess, except that I forgot the milk!
This Internet shopping malarkey could be a bit of a God send actually with the April showers started early, as it doesn't look inviting out there at all. I've had to stop myself from doing it again already and I can see it could be very addictive if I'm not careful just like a new toy!

I was a bit worn out after last night. The part that Ruth said about not doing too much too quickly was forgotten as quickly as an ice cold Galaxy Ripple is eaten by yours truely.
The roast chicken was a bit of a nightmare as even though I covered it with tin foil, the damn thing, which was a cheap chicken so lots of liquid, managed to leak over one side of the tin.
I think my kitchen floor is either uneven or the legs on the cooker are, but either way, my newly cleaned oven had to be cleaned by me half way through to stop me going blind thanks to the smoke!
The girlfriends were happy to change my sheets while I insisted on washing up. I started ok, but then Ruth's words started swimming in front of my eyes as I had to lean on the worktops to get my breath back.
Lynn found a small problem when removing one of the pillow cases, as it had stuck to the anti-allergy pillow case underneath. Was it where I had dribbled my toxic antibiotics in my sleep I hear you ask?
No it was one of my more stupid acts where my sheets had been changed when I was ill this time. I hadn't had time or the strength to iron them before I was taken ill and I tried to iron them while they were actually on the bed!
I know... stupid. I felt like death, but I still fretted about sleeping on crumpled sheets. I just can't sleep in an unironed bed... Blame my mother for being overly house proud when I was growing up!

Had a lot of friends round today as well bearing gifts. Deprave and Linda with presents from their travels in Bali. And Barbara with a lovely homemade coffee and walnut cake to offer people when they come a calling.
Good to see everyone, but now terribly knackered.
Sat and watched 'Let's dance for Comic Relief,' which made me smile at the stars making completes arses of themselves and it brought back happy memories of Sam and myself dressed up in various costumes for 'Comic Relief' making complete arses of ourselves too. We dressed up from everything from 'The Sirens' who were our uni's cheerleaders to knackered fairies, but we always raised loads of money as well as eyebrows and laughter.
Hopefully I'll be able to fund raise again one day.

Lots of love Debbie x

Trade offs

Hoorah I have cracked it! I now know how to do an Internet shop. Mind you what I've brought is any ones business, but if it stops me having to drag heavy shopping bags across from my car to my bungalow, then I don't care as I'll eat whatever I've brought. There must be something in my Nigella or Jamie cookbooks to rustle up a meal from finger on button slips!
It's just another way to make my life easier and hopefully save me some money as I won't be tempted by impulse buys, although the delivery charge was pretty steep to have it delivered at the weekend so I could of had quite a few impulse buys for that. Mental note will have to arrange for a midweek delivery in future.
You live and learn hey.

Mother still looks washed out, but not as bad today. I must try and tempt her out of her nightclothes and into her day clothes tomorrow, as that makes you feel a hundred percent better straight away.
She seems to be eating ok and my talk of maybe getting a caravan or a lodge on the Suffolk coast in the summertime seemed to perk her up.
One thing I have learnt from having this disease, is you need nice things to look forward to, be it afternoon tea out somewhere quaint or a shopping trip with lunch out with the girls.
Jean came round today with chocolate muffins and went back laden with presents for ex work colleagues (notice I used the work ex?... I'm moving on!) for birthdays that I missed while I was ill. Hopefully I'll get to see them all again soon.
Quite a few emails from them today so that was nice.

Ah well off to cook dinner for the girls for tonight. The roast chicken smells good. I'm hopefully I can trade them a dinner for changing my bed sheets!

Lots of love Debbie x

Reasons to be cheerful

1) I have had an outing to the shops today with Reni to buy some food.
2) I am wearing a bit of mascara, so I only look a bit awful.
3) I have kept off the oxygen for four whole hours without any problems, well still breathless, but I haven't keeled over.
4) I have finished those mega bomb antibiotics after ten very long days.
and 5) I have not one, but eight Galaxy Ripples in the fridge... Yay!
Also Ruth showed me her computerised diagrams of my lungs over the last ten days with various coloured dots meaning where the crackles and wheezes are. And now my lungs only look a little bit spotty now, where at one point my lungs looked rather similar to Pudsy Bear's bandanna!
Hoorah!
Ok I still have itchy skin, a tongue that feels like I've lost a layer or two of flesh and what I thought was a boil appearing on the top of my leg is actually a horrible rash, but the journey to the shops was lovely. Catkins out in all the hedges, crocuses and snowdrops springing up everywhere and actually Spring is on it's way.
Double hoorah!
I have learnt lots of things through this infection. Mainly that I have wonderful offsprings and the most fantastic and caring friends in the world. Also that resting up means resting. And that salty sputum is an early warning sign and means an infection.
Just have to get my mother's back sorted now and life will be just peachy.

Lots of love Debbie x

Ker-ching!

Oh Lord I need chocolate... I'm hoping that the fresh fruit and Greek yogurt that I have in my fridge has the same hit, but I doubt it. I need an ice cold straight out the fridge, Galaxy Ripple...Mmmm.
I am hoping though that the Greek yogurt will calm my tongue down, as it feels like I've taken up flame swallowing. It can't be thrush as for the first time in years, I haven't got a white furry coat on it. But who knows, knowing my body it could be anything!
Still bonus, I weighed myself today and I have lost well over half a stone since being ill and when I take off all my big baggy jumpers, you can actually notice it. Bloody awful way to lose weight though.

I walked over to mother's again this morning with the aide of my trusting walking frame and this time managed it without my head swimming too much. Mind you mother looks bloody awful. She is very white and so tired looking where she isn't getting any sleep because of the cyst on her back, she actually looks like a 93 year old is suppose to, like a little frail old lady!
She has got in a terrible muddle with her antibiotics and had taken morning, lunch and tea-time all by 1pm!
Have to keep a good eye on her now I'm able to get over there again.

Good news is my retirement lump sum has arrived... Yay!... so however long it takes to sort out my benefits, I will have money to pay my standing orders and the horrible pen pusher at my bank who told me that I'd have to be careful when I start running out of money, won't be able to send out 'No funds to cover' letters at £19 a time! Yah boo sucks Mr Coldfish!
It's a good feeling knowing that I'm safe.
Wonder what else can go wrong in the meantime?????

Lots of love Debbie x

Rise and shine

I had to get up early this morning as I had a text from the heating engineers to say that they were coming round this morning to sort out my gas problem.
Not a hundred percent sure why they are coming round today as Mr Geniality, the engineer that came out Friday didn't say they would have to come out again.
Of course they didn't come out, so I suspect some other householder was either woken up early or missed their appointment because they sent the text to the wrong person or maybe Mr geniality read my facebook on Friday and took offence at me being rude about him!

Come eleven o'clock, I could hardly keep my eyes open and when Julie came round with a yummy stew for my dinner, it was a case of me trying hard to get my brain into gear, trying to get the correct word out and trying to create a sentence that actually made some sense.
I tried to leave my oxygen off for a couple of hours again today to give my nose and ears a break. Having 24-7 oxygen really gives your nostril lining the comeuppance and your poor old ears ache where the tubes fit around them from either standing on your tubing or getting it caught under doors or wrapped around your body in your sleep.
Ripples in a pond.
I don't think I'll drive over to Maldon tomorrow for physio, as it would be my first time in over a week of me driving and my head really hurts after physio. Put the two together and not a good total.
Still I look so much better and feel a lot better, so not long now till I can go out and about again.

Spoke to an ex boyfriend tonight who is in Saudi Arabia working. Every time he asked how I was, I skirted around as I didn't want him to think I'm always ill. He knows all about my illness, but I don't think he actually realises what it involves. The last time he saw me, I was a size 14 and very bouncy. Ok I was coughing all the time, but I've now morphed into this old woman in the three years since I've seen him. Even I don't recognise the woman in my photos at times. Never mind, it's not like I'll ever see him again.

Lots of love Debbie x

Ah Valentines day

Day two of feeling bright and breezy although I did crash a bit after my physio.

Felt so much better, that I thought I'd push myself over to mother's bungalow and wish mother good luck personally for the clinic this morning. Took me an age to get there and my head was swimming by the time I sat down in hers, but thank goodness for my go faster trolley as it really helped. I didn't actually care what I looked like, just wanted to see my mother.
In the end bless her, they couldn't remove the cyst as it was far too inflamed again and the doctor there has put her back on antibiotics to try in a months time after they have worked their magic. Still at least she got a ride out in the countryside on a very bright and sunny day.
I just hope she gets a good night's sleep today as she gets very confused and wobbly if she doesn't.
Talking of nights sleep, I am just so glad that I cut my fingernails short last night, as I was nonstop scratching all over my body. I kept waking up with my head buzzing and as itchy as hell, so I just hope that I sleep well too tonight. But the amount of water I am drinking rather leads me to think that I won't.
I am drinking water nonstop as my tongue and mouth are so dry. I normally have a fur rug on my tongue, but it's been stripped bare with the drugs and keeps sticking to the roof of my mouth where they are both so dry. Ruth says they are more side effects of the drugs, but I'm to watch the sore tongue.
Only four more days on them.

Valentines Day today and I have two cards... get me a Lurve machine! One is from my lovely friend Barbara and we always send each other one and give each other a little present, stemming back from the days when we were nobby no mates in the men stakes! Only I couldn't get out to buy her anything. I will buy her a nice belated one.
The second card was from... well I don't actually know it was from. I accused Julie, but she swore it wasn't her. I have got to admit, it did make me feel a bit warm and fuzzy on the inside, until I noticed it was delivered by hand and all the men near me are either about 101 plus or alcoholics and the cross signature was very shaky so it could be either! Then the warm, fuzzy feeling turned into OMIGOD!

Lots of love Debbie x

One step closer

Tonight was the first time since last Friday night that I have actually felt well again. What an odd feeling.
I couldn't keep awake most of the day and even fell asleep between courses at dinner, which Greta kindly cooked for me. But tonight I wanted to get up and do things.
I'm still tired and find it hard to keep awake for any period of time, my skin is itching and my neck still hurts, but at least there is light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in a very long week.

I do feel horrendously guilty that I can't see mother and had hoped that she would come over for dinner, but alas in the end she wasn't feeling up to it, even with my friends saying that they would push her over. She is in a lot of pain with the cyst on her back and hasn't slept properly for the last couple of nights, but I know she is petrified of going to the clinic tomorrow to have it cut out, as her voice broke when talking to me on the phone tonight.
I hope they will be able to perform the op tomorrow, as my sister says it is very red again.
She must feel so alone.
Mother also rang me in a fit of panic late tonight as she couldn't get her door to open from the inside. It has a habit of doing this and normally I would just walk over and open it from outside with my key and it would be fine, but I wouldn't even make it down the garden path at the moment and my walker is in my car.
I am now worrying in case there is a fire and she can't get out. I know she has a back door, but I feel as if I have let her down.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for both of us.

Lots of love Debbie x

Sleeping not so beauty

Did I leave my front door open last night, as I swear I have been trampled on by a herd of wild horses or wildebeests?!
My neck is so stiff, I guess from having my shoulders scrunched up permanently up around by my ears.
And I am sure if I was still living in Braintree in my little old cottage, I would sleep right around the clock. It's only the fact that here I have lightweight curtains plus peace and quiet and there, I had thick blackout curtains to aid sleep. Thankfully here I do wake up when my bedroom fills with day light.

Ruth says I'm feeling stoned because of all the drugs I'm on at the moment and she's quite pleased, as it's stopping me from going out instead of resting up. If I had gone into hospital, it would have been 10days of enforced rest, so I have got to do the same here apparently. I thought I had been taking things fairly easy, but Sadie described it as a wake up call the other day, but I'm not sure from what as my social life isn't that dizzy anymore.
I have had my fair share of visitors which has been lovely. Always lovely to see my boys, but lovely to see my friends too.
I do miss seeing my mother and that worries me that we aren't seeing each other at the moment even though we live opposite each other.

Actually got my letter with my appointment for my CT scan this morning and the weirdest thing is, it's totally different from the last letter I had. This one says I have to be there an hour before my appointment time to drink the contrast liquid and two more pages about what happens.
It does make me wonder if I had turned up on the correct day last time, would they have seen me at all, as I wouldn't have time to let the liquid get round my body???
I think a major cock-up all round last time and I gave them the excuse to blame me?!
My brother-in-law said he'd take me this time, so all I have to worry about is getting ready at the crack of dawn... Bliss!

Lots of love Debbie x

Lets talk slowly

Well I have the flatulence section of the 101 greatest side effects of the Rifampicin and Moxifloxacin antibiotics, also I am having the dehydration section as we speak, as I am drinking water for England at the moment and I drink litres of the stuff as it is.
Now I am jointly entering the memory loss and emotional wreck side effect, touching on the self harming side effect, only it wasn't myself I wanted to harm, but the heating engineer that came out 5.48pm after I called at 11am to fix my heating and sneered at me when he pressed one button, just one single button and it was fixed.
I have sat here with about the entire contents of my wardrobe on me to try and keep warm next to a little oil filled radiator that I had dragged out from the back of my wardrobe and that nearly killed me in the process.
He swanned in and looked at me as if I was stupid when I sent into the bathroom to look at my boiler, when I should have sent him into the kitchen (that's the memory loss part) and asked if I knew whether they had been doing anything to the gas mains outside?
I explained I wouldn't know as I have been ill and not stepped outside since last Friday (ok the memory loss again as I did go obviously outside to the doctors on Tues) and I wouldn't know if a nuclear war, a military coup or anything had been going on out there.
Obviously he had me down as a mad facetious old bat and decided to speak to me...very...slowly...about...pushing...this...button...if...it...happens...again.
Ok ok I understand, I can't do your job sunshine, but I bet you couldn't have done mine either, so shove your button up your bum, but thank you for heat again, have a good weekend.
After he went the emotional part took over again and yes I do cry orangey tears thanks to the Rifampicin.

Lots of love Debbie x

This lady is a Tramp

Well I am still in 'not so' sunny Silver End, so I haven't runaway to join the Foreign Legion and none of my vital bits have dropped off and been kicked under the sofa as I've walked about today. Mind you the furthest I've walked is from the bed to the sofa to the kettle or to the loo and back, so I could find my nose or ear should it have dropped off on route! So the Rifampicin tablets are doing their stuff, no TB, no Leprosy and no Legionnaires disease.

Not sure whether it's them or the Moxifloxacin, but one of those bad boys are knocking me out for the count today either that or I've contracted sleeping sickness.
Strange how pills work, as I've gone from filling two carrier bags of tissues a day... full of nasties from my lungs... to bringing up hardly anything in the space of just under two days.

I am also best friends with my pjs, which is worrying as I don't care what I look like wearing them, plus a baggy tshirt, an over sized cardigan and socks... Mmm mm looking shite.
Have you noticed that your hair suddenly grows too when you are ill. Says on both antibiotics side effects list that hair loss is a symptom too. Great come tomorrow I'll be wearing a bobble hat with my tramp lady look!

Was a bit worried that I wouldn't see anyone today, but my sister and brother-in-law called in this morning and stayed with me a while, which was nice. Especially as I didn't have to ask them to make me a cuppa, they came and did it with toast and jam too. My other sister is lovely, but you have to prod her! Still if I keep improving at this rate, I'll be making my own breakfast with no problems come Saturday and hopefully be out my bed by 10am instead of nearer lunchtime.
I have to admit, it has been very pleasant looking out of my bedroom window from my bed in the morning, watching the birds and listening to the wind chimes in the trees. On Tuesday the sun was streaming through and if I tried I could imagine myself sunbathing on Oludeniz beach as it was so warm on my skin. I didn't have to imagine hard, as that's the place I take myself to in my head all the time when the going gets tough.
Ah well goodnight all.

Lots of love Debbie x

Scary places

Hello world have you missed me?

Today I learnt the real meaning of true friendship as Julie washed my hair and scrubbed my back and feet in the bath today.
No, it wasn't a try out for an adult channel movie, but that I have been quite seriously ill since Friday evening and today as she helped into my first bath, she was helping me onto the road of feeling human again.
As I felt that glorious feeling of hot water travelling over my back as she poured the water over my head, she was also pouring pure love over me too.
It is then when someone is guarding the soap suds from going in your eyes and washing over your verrucas without throwing up, that you know that your friend will always be there come what may. Not that I have ever doubted it, but Julie I applaud you.

It has been a long hard struggle, with plenty of care and attention from physio team and from my family and friends to get this far to even just to sit at a keyboard.
The stroppy cockle had turned very nasty and I felt Friday night, that it was touch and go of whether I call an ambulance or not as my breathing had become very laboured and I was very scared.
The hospital laboratory was still growing the culture in my sputum on Friday which was now a week old and wouldn't know till Monday, so surely I couldn't phone for an ambulance as it might not be anything, but surely I couldn't feel this ill on nothing, could I?
Come Sunday night I was petrified that I was on my own, but I couldn't phone anyone as it might just be a cold or I was over reacting.
I am now on the same antibiotics that they treat TB with and other antibiotics that they treat other serious chest infections with. So I shan't catch leprosy or run off to France as it cures Legionnaire's disease too!
But I now have wee that looks like I have just been rogered by Freddie Kruger and I can cry orange tears, not that's a party trick I can't wait to show off. I also keep farting non stop, I'm confused when I talk and feel like I've been trampled on, but I am on the mend, as I can sit up without my hands being curled upwards like an old ladies and keep slumping to one side like someone in a coma.

Julie has learnt that she can be assertive when needed, as she got me straight in for a blood test at our doctors when after I asked I was told 'next week'. Julie came in from the garden after talking to them out of my earshot and my knickers, trousers were wiped on and a top thrown over my head and I was in the car before I knew where I was. The blood test was to test my liver ready for these drugs as they are so strong. I held on to Julie like a little chimpanzee when we walked into the surgery, as I was bent over and rolled as I walked and was hanging on to my trousers which were falling down! But job done and she was very polite to all there. Very impressive. My physio was very impressed with her.

This text probably doesn't make any sense at all, as my brain is having to work over time, but I want to thank everyone who has cared for me this week whether it's been in the form of shopping for me or phoning me, you have kept me going. And a special thank you to Julie and Ruth for dragging back from a very horrible place.

Lots and lots of love Debbie x

Cream teas and bubblebath

A rather busy day yesterday not doing much, just seeing new and old friends, but it left me exhausted all the same.
Day started with meeting the new Chaplain's wife for morning coffee and cream scones, yum and she is lovely. Probably as scatty as me and where I can talk for England, she was doing it for New Zealand, being a kiwi herself. We got on really well, so it will be nice to take her around to visit my favourite coffee haunts of Essex. I drove her around about five or ten miles more than needed too as I lost my bearings again at one point.
Not hard for me to do, as I seem to spend my life just lately either uttering the wrong words or forgetting what I am doing. I know I'm still taking ages getting over this infection and the lack of oxygen is making me more dopey than normal, but I worry myself at just how woolly headed I am at the moment.
Later on one of my old bosses popped in to see me on her way from Ipswich to Sussex, which was a pleasure. She looked really well, in fact the best I have seen her in ages, so whatever she is doing, it is doing her a power of good.
After all this catching up, I locked the bungalow up, pjs on, poured myself a brandy and had to fight against drifting off to sleep on the sofa when watching TV. As it was I went to bed at 11pm which for me is unheard of.
I was woken up a couple of times by the wind, which had really got up through the night.
Where I sleep with my bedroom window open, it kept blowing my bedroom door shut, where the extractor fan in the bathroom was letting the air through it kept blowing my bedroom door open! After lying in bed worrying that my oxygen tubing may just get cut in half by all this coming and going, I finally got up and stuck a cushion in the way to soften the blows. This is when I heard the banging outside.
Dammit, my neighbour must have left his gate open when he came home from the pub. Well little I can do about it, so eventually I drifted back off to sleep just getting used to the banging and crashing outside with the help of a pillow over my head.
Imagine my shame when I looked out my bedroom window this morning and realised it was my gate that was the culprit! I sneaked down the garden and locked it again, hoping no one noticed it was mine.
Still feeling rough again today and had the nurse on the phone checking up on me, as the Docobo has been reporting through to their office, dodgy stats and heart rates again. Until I get my results from the hospital lab back, I've been told to rest and do nothing... yeah right!
So I have brought magazines and will do my best to rest and do nothing, but I guess that's as likely as me becoming a Page three glamour model.
Ooo funny I should say that, as I was photographed today for the 'Greenfields Community' news letter whilst standing in my bathroom. I should point out there wasn't a strategically placed bath sponge or shower curtain covering my bits in sight, as I was fully clothed at the time. Maybe the offers will flood in now!?

Lots of love Debbie x

Bumpy roads ahead

Not a bad day today, no dead bodies littered around my bungalow after my impression of the 'Boston Strangler' last night and I seemed to have warmed up nicely.
It did occur to me last night, that I still have my summer duvet on and still have the bedroom window open, so my bungalow is nice and toasty, so it must just me having cold hands, warm heart maybe syndrome?!
I was up nice and early chatting to the oxygen delivery man and it was still jolly cold outside, but I managed to get some my washing dried a bit.
Jo came over for lunch and we set off to the Boden Sale at Towerlands, picking Reni up on route. My goodness me, there were some buyers in there, but some terrific bargains to be had. We all went home with some excellent buys and Reni looked so cute in hers, especially the jazzy cut off trousers, which she had never thought of buying, but loved them.
I didn't look as cute in my dresses, but I didn't look gross either, so that's always a bonus! Jo brought some fab leather boots for £40, so everyone a winner.

After lunch I set off to Maldon to have more physio, but with the state of the roads I was driving on, I parted with quite a lot before I even got there! Maybe I don't need beating anymore, just drive around the roads of Essex for half an hour, hitting some of the pot holes made by the snows and job done!
The hospital was so hot, that it was ridiculous. I actually felt quite ill being beaten up in that heat and poor Hannah was suffering with a cold and a stinking headache, which I wasn't helped by the heating in there. We opened up the windows wide, so really we were defeating the object of them trying to keep the place warm. Surely someone in charge must realise that you do not need anywhere that hot? If I was a patient in there, I would be hanging out the windows gasping for air.
Ah well I logging off now to get ready to watch 'Midsummer murders' with a brandy and lemonade, a sad git I know, but who cares!

Lots of love Debbie x

The gloves are off... I mean on

I am sitting here looking like the 'Boston Strangler', wearing my black leather gloves indoors. God my hands are so cold!
I've had to take them off while I type, as I'm making far too many mistakes when hitting the keyboard, but believe me this will be a short one tonight as I can not keep my hands warm.
Why, why, why?!

Today started ok. Up early... Oo get me!... as I had 'the' man coming to clean my cooker. He does an amazing job, especially as he doesn't use smelly chemicals and I've only had to quickly clean my oven twice since he did it last this time last year. Plus he got off all the melted polystyrene balls residue from when I accidentally melted my squishy lap tray on the hob a few months ago!
Ok the front door was open a few times where he was going back and forth to his car, but not enough to freeze me.
Lynn and Jack (my saviour) came to finish off my pension claim, which is now winging it's way to County Hall by special delivery. We did have lunch in an old pub, but we were sitting near an open fire, so can't be that.
I had my oxygen assessment at the Community hospital this afternoon and it's always as hot as hell in there, plus I had a mug of green tea to wrap my hands round while I was sitting there, so can't be that.
I have to say now, that I was a bit worried when we were talking about my pensions and I said that I hope to be around for at least another ten years yet to spend it and they started behaving shifty and looking at the floor after saying that's important that I should have things to look forward too!
Ok worrying, but I'll quiz them more in six weeks when I have to go back for another assessment, as I was borderline for having my oxygen intake levels upped. Maybe shock???

Reni put a colour on my hair so I looked glam for the photo shot on Friday, but my hands didn't touch anything cold. And I was really pleased with my new look again, so definitely not that.
So I guess it must just be tiredness again. I'll quiz them tomorrow as I'm back for more physio at Maldon tomorrow... have phlegm, will travel!
Gloves are going back on now... bye

Lots of love Debbie x