Come on England

Well that was a waste of three hours sunshine where I could have been topping up my holiday tan. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, it's the England v Germany match where we got an ass kicking of the highest calibre.
What made it worse was my 92 year old mother kept asking what the score was every ten minutes or saying those nasty Germans in the red shirts are a bit rough. Er mother, we are playing in red shirts.
Can't help but feel sorry for the referee though as I know he made a terrible blunder not allowing that goal, but he is going to have to endure sleepless nights for many years because of that. I know, as I still have panic attacks and flushes when I remember some of the stupid things that I have done or said over the years and I never made such a whooping mistake as he did!

Very hot today which really slows me down and I've been getting panic attacks to boot. Not because of bad goal decisions, but worrying about the forth coming goals that I've got ahead, the wedding and the transplant.
So bear with me while I air them as I need to get them out of my head and then maybe the panic attacks will stop. I'm sure the wedding will be fine and all go well, in fact I know it will, but I just wish I could do more money wise for them. I know it's a good thing that I don't have a credit card and Oliver has it all in hand, but I want to do more for them. But another worry about the wedding is once the wedding is over then I know the transplant will loom nearer. My specialist wrote down all my important dates that I had, like the two holidays and my babies wedding... but what happens if he changes his mind again and decides to make me wait after all? He has been known to change his mind from one appointment to the next and then back again. I hate all this uncertainty, though I hate what I have ahead of me.
I know I'm not very chatty at the moment and people have been picking up on that, but I'm aware that in 19 days time I have a countdown clock ticking.

The lady who was in the room next to us on holiday was a cardio nurse and was so pleased for me when I said about the transplant and said that I must be really excited. Excited wasn't one of the words that I can honestly say springs into my head when Ithink about the transplant. Cacking myself yes or scared to death or confused and terrified at the same time that he will change his mind.
There are times when I think I'm fine and I don't need it yet myself and then I find myself like today bent over a chair trying to breathe after doing a simple task like stirring gravy! Only last week I was climbing steps in a 100 degree heat, ok I couldn't breathe at the end of it and I thought I was going to die and I know it was hot in my kitchen, but come on... Another time I will be able to walk up and down my work corridor through out the day and think I'm ok I don't need it, only to feel like my brain is going to explode from lack of oxygen after walking a few steps thirty minutes later.
I am very confused at the moment, as well as very scared. This helps writing it down, so sorry if it is a bit boring when I repeat myself, but it helps to make some sort of sense in my litttle messed up brain.

Lots of love Debbie x