Question time

I had a busy weekend, which was really lovely as I was spending it with friends and it helped busy my mind from some of my doubts that I'm having.

Jean, Sam and I went for lunch at Dedham for Sheila's birthday treat and it was a perfect day for spending next to the river watching the swans and ramblers. Having a twisted mind like mine, I was watching to see if any of the ramblers got chased by the swans!
Sam pushed me around Dedham village which was an experience for the pair of us. Sam wrestling with the wheelchair as the paths had quite a camber going on there, so I had to lean over to the left in my wheelchair to counterbalance... 2012 Olympics I feel; in the two woman bob sleigh team maybe???
Sam was quite shocked how some people stare and there were a couple of times where we sailed seriously close to the kerbs where people would not move over not even just a tad. I told her they were probably staring at my beauty, but they were probably staring at my white knuckles where I was hanging on so tightly!
We were then invited around to Sally's for a Murder Mystery night which was a real hoot and her friends were really lovely and welcoming. I did feel a bit conspicuous when we were all deep in thought reading our clues and I was making puffing noises on my oxygen where I had it on the pulsar. But I thought I covered the tubes up marvelously well with a false moustache and I turned out to be the killer. Had Sally type cast me thanks to my recent hissy fits I wondered?!

Today I took mother to Maldon and we just sat in the car watching the world go by with the windows open, as I had to park next to some bollards and couldn't open my door! Suited me, because if I could have got out, mother would have had me running around doing something no doubt. It was good though to watch the busy river life and feel the sun on the half of my face near the open window! The amber colours of the trees and the Autumn sky were really beautiful, making you really appreciate a lazy afternoon especially as I didn't sleep very well last night.
I'm not sure if it was because it was mild again or whether it was because my mind is more than a little muddled at the moment or probably just half of each.
I also had a family of baby flies flitting around my bedroom light and the act of balancing on my bed trying to suck the flies up my spider catcher while wearing my oxygen tubes was quite a sight to behold and no mean feat! I then kept waking up just as I was drifting off, thinking they were crawling all over me... yuk.
I just keep wondering that maybe I should have asked the specialist more questions when I was in with him. The NHS is brilliant don't get me wrong, but you are aware that you have an allotted time for your consult and I had already gone over mine. Plus I do have a habit of thinking what ever he says is set in stone and I hang on to his every word.
I just keep thinking though, that six months ago when I saw him the last time when he dropped the bombshell the first time round, I really thought that I was doing well with my illness. Well apart from the blue fingers and feeling more and more breathless, but I was expecting a pat on the back and not the transplant talk at all.
So am I right thinking that this transplant will be the fairy tale ending that I'm hoping for and I will live until I'm 90 or am I thinking blimey I could die on the table or my body could reject it or I might not even pass the tests. I can't make out how Ruth feels about it either at the moment and that worries me.
I feel like my nerves are on a bloody roller coaster at the moment!
Ah well the Oxygen clinic tomorrow, I could always ask Vera to slit my throat rather than my ear and that would solve everything!
Ooh and my bleeding TV is playing up again!

Lots of love Debbie x