The facade of being fine about my early retirement is slipping well and truly, as today is day two of going home with a headache from hell. I needed to lay down in a darken room, but I knew my brain would have probably exploded if left to my own devices with everything that is going on in my head at the moment.
So I did next best thing and went to sit in the dark in the local cinema and watched a weepy rom-com while munching on a chocolate overload magnum. Did it work... nearly... but I did get very emotional about the cute orphaned baby!
I tried very hard to get my 11 years at Anglia Ruskin sorted and packed away for whoever came next and I still haven't made much of an impact, but I really don't want to stay any longer than Friday.
A) It will be too emotional and I will either end up in floods or say something I don't mean.
B) I just feel inadequate now. My confidence has left the building at least a month in front of me.
When I look at Sam, I feel as if I'm betraying my partner by leaving her. I know she'll cope as you have to, but I've always had this need to protect what feels like my little sister.
What happens if everyone says 'Thank god she's gone, never did like her' after I've left?
I feel so angry and so very scared. I used to have my health and a wage packet and now by Christmas I will have neither. I can joke about me going on the game, wearing PVC and whipping men with my oxygen tubes, but I may have to go into dominatrix to survive thanks to the Conservatives wanting to cut benefits. Typical of me to get myself retired when they want to cut benefits that baffle me already. Christ I stand back in amazement at these people who work the system, I can't understand how to get what I'm entitled to even. Also now they say a council home is not for life. I probably won't even be able to afford a bloody cardboard to live in next and I'll probably have to do my own transplant, as that's bound to be next on their hit list. Oh fuck, concrete shoes anyone????
Lots of love Debbie x
About Me
- Me...Debbie Burden... or known as Burders
- I'll be 55 this August... I've had bronchiectasis for ten years plus this year... End stage lung disease for the past year...been on oxygen for three years... and have I got used to it yet?... nah! I am now waiting for the biggie; a double lung and maybe a heart transplant. I love my life weirdly enough, because I have some wonderful family and friends who are with me every step of the way on my adventures, even though I embarrass them on a daily basis with my unorthodox way of looking at life. Not for the faint hearted!
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