Stop the crying

Hoorah I have survived 24hrs without crying although I've had a couple of moments where I have nearly sprung a leak. I do however feel as if I have been repeatedly beaten up as every bone in my body aches at the moment, especially when I walk. When I'm unleashed from the oxygen concentrator, I get horribly out of breath when I walk too. So today I have sat down a lot, seemed the most sensible thing to do really.
I don't know whether it's the cold my mother and sister had or extreme tiredness which Sadie thought or what has been going around the office, but I know I feel crappier than I have for a long while, more so than when I had pneumonia.
Also when I am off the oxygen leash, I have a phantom tube around my neck, well that's what it feels like as I can still feel the tubing under my chin making my throat feel dry. I have heard the people that have escaped the hangman's noose feel the rope for a long while afterwards, so I sympathise with them.
So apart from the phantom tubing and the phantom sack of spuds across my shoulders and a rather heavy heart, everything in my world is just dandy.

I do a lot of thinking at this time of night, which is 12.15am just for the record and I don't feel as plagued with guilt as I did yesterday. Yesterday I felt I'd let down my mother, Barbara and Sam terribly. Sam because she was left to cope yet again at work. Barbara because she had brought me tickets to see Michael Buble and I feel too crap to go on Sunday. But my mother made me cry the most as I really snapped at her and she got so upset thinking that I would stop loving her because she felt she was a nuisance. God mother never in a thousand years would I stop loving you. And before anyone thinks she knows what strings to pull, no way that was fear and panic in her voice. Anyone that has ever had a child stop speaking to them would know that fear that you get in case someone else that you love stops loving you too and that pain grips your heart with ice.
But today, Barbara bless her, just wants me to get better and will take Alan to the concert, so I'm not to worry and Sam just wants me to get better too, as she says it's only work although she misses my moaning.
So although I still feel worse than when I have been admitted into hospital at other times and I know for a fact my stats are lower than when I've been rushed in, I can stop the carrying the guilt at least and just concentrate on getting better.
As for my mum she loves me and she knows I love her which is the most important thing. We love each other unconditionaly, although we moan like hell about each other and that's a good love!

It's a funny old world really isn't it.

Lots of love Debbie x