My name is Debbie and I am scared

About 9pm tonight, I felt a sensation of rising panic inside me even though I had a lovely day today.

I'd taken my mother over to my sister's house for lunch which was really lovely. We ate our roast dinner and then squabbled over a game of Rummikins or whatever it was called. My nephew and my brother-in-law teased me as usual and I teased my nephew and swore at my brother-in-law as usual, the world felt good.
My neighbour had very kindly got my nearly dry washing in off the line after a SOS call from me when the heavens opened while I was at my sister's, everything in my world felt normal and easy.

Then I realised tomorrow is my last test of this round and next week when I see my specialist, my world could dramatically change and to be honest, I am scared stiff.
I have no idea how this will all work out for me, whether I will even be a good candidate for a transplant, whether I'm not ill enough yet or even if I do strike lucky and had a transplant, would I survive as not everyone does?
Ruth has said that nothing is straight forward with a transplant, but she has also said that infections like my last infection will happen again. Not a good prospect.

I wanted to run and hide somewhere tonight, but as I can't run and you can't hide from this poxy disease, the whole idea was futile.
Tonight's 'Dancing on Ice' on TV didn't really have the same lure as normal and although I know I have to get up early for tomorrow's scan, I also know I won't sleep when I do go to bed.
How life and emotions can change so rapidly in 24 hrs.
If you are reading this, please keep your fingers crossed for me for tomorrow and for next Wednesday when I see my specialist and even for the following Wednesday when they make a decision on whether I get my oxygen upped another notch or not.
I know I will have mine crossed as I go into that giant hoop of an x-ray machine tomorrow.

Lots of love Debbie x