Answers on a postcard please

Quite a confusing day today. I really didn't have the appetite to do very much at all today, which isn't really me. The weather was pretty nondescript again and my confidence or self belief was at an all time low.

I find writing this blog helps me enormously as for one thing I can write my thoughts, fears and feelings down and not have to keep going through them all the time and bore my friends. Though I wouldn't be so big headed to think that all my friends even have time to bother with my blog, so some friends will get bored I'm afraid. But it gives me an avenue to get it out of my system, because if you have to keep repeating yourself about you're fed up about not hearing from Papworth etc, it actually can bring your mood crashing down and i am frightened of becoming he person that people jump in shop doorways to avoid.
Secondly if it helps someone else out there who suffers with bronchiectasis or another end stage lung disease, then something good has come out of this blog and maybe one day someone may send me a message giving me some good advice... hopefully not to give up blogging!

I went to Maldon to have my physio today and luckily it wasn't as hot in there than it usually is. Nothing worse than being beaten up and dying of heat at the same time. It's a long drive home with the headache that tends to follow that sort of exercise!
But the physio today was asking about my transplant progress and told me about their lung transplant success story in Maldon. I was all ears listening to this, trying to learn anything at all that could help my quest. I asked questions about his oxygen levels and how long did he have to wait etc? His case was different to mine I know, but he was roughly the same age as me and it took about six months from getting his pager to getting his new organs and best of all, within six weeks he was up and normal again.
This had a strange reaction on me, as when driving home instead of being hopeful, I became quite sad that this man had the chance at life again that I so craved and would I be so lucky? Would two people in the same region be able have a bite at the same cherry? Or would the powers that be say no because they have to spread the love?
Also when I enquired about the microbiologist's findings, she couldn't find anything about the fact that they were considering changing my drugs, so that was yet another thing that confused me.

When I got home I went to throw out the packet of these antibiotics, but not before reading the side effects list on these tablets again and lo and behold depression was pretty high ranking among them. I try not to take these details too much to heart when I start a course, as yes most new drugs give you an upset stomach or interrupts your sleep patterns. I worry that you could easily be going 'Ooo yes I have that' and looking for spots on your bum etc, but as I finish my course tomorrow then I thought there was no harm now in just giving it a thorough once over.
So it maybe the weather, it maybe the tablets or it just might be I'm fed up of going 'yeah bring it on' and that I'm fed up of waiting and seeing, which I find myself saying all the time to people. So I give myself permission to feel peeved off and moody. I have an exciting weekend ahead, but I deserve it because I'm worth it!

Lots of love Debbie x