Deflated balloon

Today I got the most horrible sinking feeling ever. I had my physio done at mine this afternoon and I asked Hanah what happens next with the specialist and the transplant. There was something in the way she said she wasn't sure that wasn't quite right, so I pushed her, but she stayed noncommittal in her answers and skirted around something to do with a letter.
I have the sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, the kind of feeling when you've been dumped by a boyfriend, that I am going to be put on hold again.
I hoping that this isn't the case, but I knew right from the start, that he could change his mind as he's done it before, that I could get refused by the board of governors as my case wasn't strong enough, that they could run out of funds or a hundred and one other things could go wrong. Nothing is conclusive till they are sewing me up with the new goods inside me.
Now I will panic everyday until October comes when I speak to him again or I hear from him before hand. My head is now spinning. I know what will be will be and I will handle whatever is thrown at me, but now I feel my life is really on hold.

Mother was in one of her 'woe is me' moods when I got round there tonight and I really was near to tears, but no point crying there, as bless her she wouldn't understand.
Reni was fretting about the honeymoon. The people they are going with and actually paying for their honeymoon, are dragging their heels about certain bits and Reni feels a bit uptight about it all, so I couldn't chat to her about my worries when I was taking her to work tonight.
Oliver was rehearsing so I couldn't disturb him.
Feel like my balloon has burst and I just have to wait and see whether I'm adding two and two up and making five or what. Can't see me getting much sleep tonight.

Lots of love Debbie x