Another day, another a lot of medicine

Oliver seems to think that my emotions are all over the place at the moment with what is going on and I'm inclined to agree with him.

This last couple of months, I beat myself up over the smallest of things and when I do have bad thoughts or not even necessarily bad thoughts, just questioning things or other peoples actions, I tend to sink into this place of self loathing and start thinking about buying a hair shirt on ebay!
I have always believed in Karma and at the moment, I am terrified that if I have a mean thought about someone, then I won't get my transplant and as I have a short threshold of tolerance at the moment, I am having a lot of questionable thoughts going on in my head which doesn't help my state of mind.
There is still no sign of my letter from Papworth, so perhaps I shouldn't go out anymore so I am not tempted to tut at people.

I had a lovely interlude today and drove over to see one of the older ladies from rehab for lunch, well actually they are all older than me.
I was definitely having a blonde moment, as I had real doubts about where her village had gone. I knew I was on the correct road, but I couldn't remember it being that far out and really wondered if it was possible to lose a whole village.
Luckily I found it and found her house. My goodness what a house.
She is an absolute darling and very easy to chat to. She showed me around the ground floor of her home and all the lovely photos of her past on the walls. It was sad to see in these photos this different dynamic lady, who just oozed fun and high jinx, to the lady in front of me who was labouring with her breath and in pain. I wondered if she had the same pang of regret as I do when I look at my photos?

I had two medical type phone calls today; one was about my stats being a bit all over the place and my heart rate especially which was too high again. She asked if there was any reason and was my heart was fluttering as before and although it was slightly, it wasn't bad enough to complain or should I? I never know when I'm being a wimp.
The second was from the oxygen team to say that I was to have an oxygen arm or something of that nature to stop my nose from hurting so much. She thinks that my nostrils now probably have an infection from where the skin inside them has cracked. It would explain a lot, as they have been filled with solid blood clots for the past week and quite painful. Not nice I know for you to read, sorry. She also recommended me some cream to ask the doctor for which will help we hope. Otherwise it sleeping etc with an oxygen mask until it clears up and I'm not good with an oxygen mask as they make me sweaty and claustrophobic, so fingers crossed.

Lets see what tomorrow brings as it's the dentist in the morning and I'm sure I shall have another list of impending disasters by lunchtime!

Lots of love Debbie x