Time to 'fess up

Another day where life seemed quite normal for me.
Met some new people today and enjoyed a chat about religion with them. I love listening to other peoples beliefs and learning about what makes people tick.
I did start an Open University course on 'Death and Dying' which covered various different religions and they way different people approached death, but unfortunately my first course work coincided with a severe infection that left me being hospitalised and then on to part time oxygen therapy, which led me to think that perhaps the timing for this course wasn't great.
I still have the books and still enjoy finding out about people, myself and my own views too.

Straight afterwards I took mother out to the 'Tiptree Jam' tea rooms, a favourite of ours and we enjoyed one of mother's good days. She may be 93 or 'nearly 94 you know' as she tells everyone, but my mother is the biggest flirt that I know, as have tea rooms and you get lots of retired people. It's when she smiles at the men, that you see her face come alive and lose about 10years and I remember what a foxy lady my mum was!
From there we had to go straight on to St Pete's for my physio, as we were running late as normal and I would have never got her back to her bungalow and back to the hospital in time.
She was quite happy in the car reading my magazine and when I came back out to the car, she was out for the count slumped in the front seat.

It was an interesting physio session today, as they are all talking in terms of when I've had my transplant, not if.
I don't know if they know more than they are letting on, but they all feel strongly that I will have it and have allowed me to dare think that my dream could actually become a reality.
Ruth even went as far to say it would be weird not to see me anymore and suggested that we should still catch up now and again.
I have spoken to Greta about this, as when her young daughter died of cancer, she felt as if she had also lost a second family in the nurses and the hospital staff, as suddenly she never had cause to see them again.
I have been so close to these girls over the years, that they have become personal friends of mine. To say I will miss them would be the understatement of the year, so yes Ruth we will still meet up afterwards.
I was warned through to take it easy before Monday as I need my oxygen levels better than they were today. Blimey this is such a tight balancing act that spreads before me.

One of my friends has said that it will be good to know where we stand about holidays next week and it's as if I'm popping down to the Post Office to check out how much it is to post a parcel.
It was my fault, as I said in an act of bravado that 'Sod them, I'll bugger off on holiday if they say no' and she's probably saying it to boost my moral, but I think I'm going to have to have a serious chat with her to humour me without actually believing in my flights of fancy.
I know she didn't realise how it sounded when she said it, but she seems to think that if they delay the transplant or say no, then we'll jet straight off to Turkey.
A holiday will be no consolation prize if I can't have a transplant and I better warn her the depths of despair that I will sink into if this meeting on Monday all goes wrong.

I am amazed at the niggling doubts that pop into my head at the moment. I know I'll get them under control again, but I think I will sedate myself on Sunday night as my head isn't going to be a pleasant place to be in!
Hold on... I said today has been a good day, so why is the melancholy mood creeping in again... Be gone dark moods, I have no room for you here!

Lots of love Debbie x