Nearly back in control

Luckily today my head seems to be a little less foggy and I actually seemed to be thinking a bit straighter then I have been.
Whoa... I really did feel that everything was running away from me and out of my control yesterday. For a control freak like me that is not a good feeling. Plus I didn't know where to start on the mountain of paperwork that I had begining to pile up for mother and me, it was on the table, on the floor by my sofa and on top of the microwave, everywhere.

Late last night, I made a start as I was so cross with myself for watching dross all night on TV rather then settling down and getting on with it.
I opened the letter that given to me from Papworth which turned out to be from a research centre in one of the universities wanting to do a trial on my blood. They wanted samples before and after the transplant to study the development of autoimmune responses. I know that I should say yes to it, as if it helps save lives and doesn't run any risk to me, then why not. But half of me thinks, that my veins are so crap at getting any blood out of them, that do I really want the extra stress afterwards? I think I need to talk it over with my sons first.
But today I knuckled down and made a real stride forward to getting all my tasks licked.

I updated a goodbye letter for one of my boys and started updating the other letter for my other son. It wasn't half as sad as the first time that I wrote them, which was about five years ago, in fact it was really lovely and warming when remembering all the funny stuff and their little quirky ways. The only part that made me cry, was when writing 'good bye' right at the end and that was accompanied with a feeling of an ice cold dread in the pit of my stomach and a real pain in my heart, the same as when I thought I'd lost them on a crowded beach or having operations when they were little etc.
Whenever you die, it's not going to be easy peasey is it, but at least I have the luxury of writing letters just in case the transplant goes pear shape. What is it girls guides say...'Be prepared!'

Anyway lets not dwell on that, they have to be written and it never was going to be easy, so deal with it girlfriend as my gay transvestite friend would say.
My second task of the day which wasn't going to be easy either, was going back to rehab after a week off. All last week I had been feeling so tired, completely the opposite to how I felt the month before going in for my assessment. Blimey before I went there, I had so much energy that my 'go faster' trolley needed a air cushion attached to it as I was moving so fast!
But was I soon got back into the swing of rehab, it was a really good feeling. The rivalry came back as I wanted to match the other chap who was also doing four minutes, especially when the class fool kept egging him on by saying 'come on mate, you can't be beaten by a woman!' My determination came back thrice fold!
Plus it must have helped with my weigh in, as all week I have been stuck on the same weight as last week and in the final hours, I lost a whole pound. Excellent.

So I had a toasted goats cheese and ham sandwich to celebrate. Blimey I know how to live!

Lots of love Debbie x